Tangled Up In Blue
by TxBirdie
Summary: Edward Cullen is looking for inspiration to write THE American novel. Bella Swan is looking for inspiration, any inspiration, to pull her from her doldrums existence. But what they find in each other, neither of them could have expected.
1. Story of My Life

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Handing out thank yous to KatieTv and SugarTits who have held my hand and stroked me ego through this little endeavor. Thanks for pre-reading and lending me your balls to post it. Muchas gracias also to vanessarae who patiently answered my questions about this whole fan fic business (and who has now gone back and beta-ed my early chapters for me!)

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_Life goes by so fast_

_You only want to do what you think is right_

_Close your eyes and it's past_

_Story of my life_

_~Story of My Life, Social Distortion

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_~~BPOV~~_

For once, I'd like to wake up to something other than crying. It must be so peaceful to let your eyes slide open when they are ready to, hearing nothing but silence. Instead, I awoke each morning to the sounds of tears, shrieks, and my name being called.

It's not even my name but it might as well have been.

_Mommy_.

It's all I heard, all day long. My three-year-old started every sentence with it. "Mommy, get me this..." or "Mommy, I want that..." and "Mommy, I need..." My one-year-old couldn't say much else besides, "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy." I can remember a time when I'd begged them to say it; when I stood over their cribs smiling and cooing "ma-ma."

Harder to remember was the time before Mommy, when I was just Bella; when I had my own needs and wants. Every day it seemed those days grew further and further away. It was hard to be Bella when Mommy was elbow deep in dishes, cleaning smashed crayons out of the carpet, wiping snotty noses, and brushing away tears.

"Mommeeeeee," the little voices called out in the dark.

I turned over and looked at the clock; it wasn't even six a.m. I rolled back over to the wide shoulders I'd been facing and poked them. He moved a little but didn't budge. I poked harder.

"What?"

"They're awake."

"Already? It's not even light out. I'm tired."

He's tired. Of course he's tired. We're all tired.

"It's Saturday…." my voice trailed off. I knew, once again, that meant nothing.

"Shit Bella, after the week I've had? Come on. Besides, they want you."

Of course they wanted me. They always wanted me; that was the point. I said nothing as I slid out of bed, defeated. I pushed my feet into the waiting slippers as he yawned and flopped over sprawling across my side of the bed, nestling into the blankets like he'd been waiting all night for me to get out of his way. I pulled a flannel robe from the back of the door, cursing the damp coolness in the air.

Our small cabin was too old to be insulated properly and even now, in spring, I still couldn't shake the chill from my bones. I'd start a fire but the rest of them would protest. My girls were hot-blooded like their father. I knew that my chapped, blue fingers would lift sweaty, hot bodies from their beds.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy!" was the war cry I heard as I flipped the switch in their room. My littlest sprang in her crib as though she was on a trampoline.

"Mommy, I'm thirsty, get me some water. Mommy, can I watch Gabba-Gabba?" My oldest begged for her favorite show, _Yo Gabba Gabba_- which to me was ripped from the diary of a drug addict tripping on acid.

"Gabba, Gabba, Gabba!" the little jumping bean cried.

"Honey you woke up too early, Gabba-Gabba isn't on yet," I said, addressing the ball of hair on the twin bed who was rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"Yes it is! It is time for Gabba-Gabba. Make it time, Mommy. I want it!"

It was way too early for this level of whining. "Sarah, it's not on right now. And I do not have magical powers that control television broadcasting. You are going to have to wait."

She pouted and crossed her arms over her chest; she got that from her father, too. Stubborn. We padded into the kitchen and I reminded them to keep shrieking to a minimum since Daddy was still sleeping. I passed out heated-up frozen waffles and yogurt tubes before sitting at my laptop with a steaming cup of tea. I clicked open my email, browsed Facebook updates and peeked in on some of my favorite blogs.

Even with the obnoxious characters shouting from the television and my children hollering back at them, I was able to tune out and immerse myself in a world far away from Forks and the reservation. So much so, I didn't look up when Jake wandered in the kitchen later, scratching at his bare belly and looking to the stove for breakfast.

"Is there food?" He asked over his shoulder.

"Oh sorry! Not yet, got caught up here. I can whip something up fast."

I lifted my eyes from the screen and paused on my husband's washboard abs. There was a time that the mere sight of them made me weak. I guess I was desensitized now, because he still had the rock-hard body of a teenager, but I couldn't be bothered to notice. I sighed, looked back to the screen to close the open browser windows, and pushed the computer aside.

Jake took a step toward me and kissed the top of my messy hair before running into the living room shouting, "Who's ready to get tickled?" The girls squealed and jumped on his back. He swept an arm up to steady them while bucking like a wild bronco. They laughed and cried for more.

I resigned myself at the stove cooking yet another meal that would result in another sink of dirty dishes.

There was a time when I liked cooking, the time I was just Bella. When we first married, I was so eager to try out new recipes on my doting and insatiable husband. He was more adventurous than my dad had been. Charlie would just poke at something that smelled too flavorful or had ingredients he couldn't pronounce. Jake would shovel anything into his mouth, forgetting to chew before telling me how good it was.

I flipped the omelet over, watching the escaping cheese sizzle in the skillet. I wondered if I lost my zest for cooking, or gave it up since the girls would eat nothing but chicken nuggets, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Cheerios, and the like. At any rate, I made whatever I could scrounge up for Jake and often just found a bowl of cereal for myself.

"Hey Belly, if that's done, why don't you go take a bath? I think I can handle things from here," he said from the living room.

Oh God, I hated it when he called me that. It had started when I was pregnant with Sarah, an all-too-obvious play on my name and the basketball I was smuggling under my shirt. He said I was "all belly" and from there it stuck. I felt like such a bitch, finding a term of endearment so irritating that it made me want to smack him every time he said it.

"Belly?" He asked again, coming into the kitchen. "I'm sorry about earlier, you know me, I just couldn't get out of bed. But hey, go relax now, I'll eat and take the girls out to play." He reached out to the hand not holding a spatula, brought it to his lips, and kissed my fingertips.

It pained me how much force it took to smile. It wasn't his fault I felt this way. It wasn't his fault I spent the days imagining I was somewhere else. Somewhere alone, where nobody asked anything of me. He tried. In moments like this, he tried. He saw me weary before the day had even begun, and he was encouraging me to find solace in my most favorite place.

I pulled his hand to my mouth and kissed the cracked knuckles. "Thank you, I will, I'm in the middle of such a great book right now I could use the time to read."

I ignored his eyes rolling heavenward with my last statement. Jake didn't read, he found it boring, and I was appalled when I realized this only after we married. Aside from him, books were my best friend and the idea that they didn't get along was upsetting. I didn't know how I managed to miss that before. But I guess when you're barely an adult and you've fallen in love with your best buddy, you don't notice his flaws. I thought I knew him so well. I had thought when we got together after graduation, that there wasn't much point in dating since I knew everything about him. I think he rushed to propose, fearing that if he didn't, he'd lose the chance to make me his.

I stepped into the hot water, removing the book mark and setting it aside. I piled my hair high atop my head so as not to get it wet. The steam curled around my face as I sank deeper in the water. This claw foot tub was the entire reason I'd agreed to live here. Jake had brought me out here, thrilled at his discovery of a tiny, old cabin tucked into the woods. I had wandered each cramped room ingesting the dampness, the mold in the air. I had liked the pot-bellied stove in the main room and the thick, heavy glass of the windows but I wasn't sold until I found the large, deep, cast-iron tub in the bathroom. It was so deep and long that I could sit in total submersion, but for my head.

In those days, the 'just Bella' days, he'd clamber in with me and I'd laugh as his overgrown body filled the tub. His knees poked out with just half of his shins and thighs beneath the water as he struggled to sit, hunching forward. He'd wash my back, fondle my bare, slippery breasts and leave tiny trails of kisses down my neck. I had loved how much he wanted to be with me. How he'd pout every time I left the room. I loved how big he was and how safe I felt enveloped in his arms. Back then, his need for me was so satisfying, so gratifying.

But now, now he knew that I came here to be alone. That this was the one place I could shut the door and not be disturbed. This was a place free from sticky fingers, sippy cups, dirty laundry, and cartoons. I hadn't told him he wasn't welcome, he'd just inferred that since I came here to take a break from everything that needed me, I was also taking a break from him.

I opened the book where I'd left off last and began to read. It wasn't long before I was crying and then laughing through my tears. The story was that good. I kept turning page after page until I noticed the water had gone cold. I listened for signs that Jake was tiring of the girls, but heard nothing. I lifted the drain with my eyes on the door and then dropped it back down after I'd let out a few cold inches. I turned the faucet as far as it would go, and scalding hot water finished filling the tub. I mixed the waters, hot and cold, above my stomach until it was swirling all around me. I stared at the tornado I'd created until I felt dizzy and returned to the story. I burned through the pages in record speed, saddened when I closed the back cover.

I hated it when it was time for the story to end. Even when an author had wrapped it up well, and this one had, I was never ready to let go of the characters. I often kept them living with me for a while, thinking about their story and wondering about those questions left unanswered, days after I'd finish a book. This one had left me breathless. It was the third book I'd read by the same author in as many months, and she was rising to the top of my contemporary favorites list. I rubbed the bar of soap along the length of my slender legs and wondered if she had any other titles I missed.

"Mommy?" A curled head peeked in the cracked-open door. "Daddy says it's time for nap and to give kisses? Is it okay?"

I smiled at Sarah and nodded. She ran over to me and wrapped her skinny brown arms around my head, obstructing my vision. _Nap time, already?_ I'd been in here much longer than I thought.

"Loves you Mommy! Loves you soooo much!"

I kissed her pursed lips and pinched her nose, echoing her sentiment. Yes, I felt discontent. There were days where just the sound of my children had me reaching for the aspirin. But that didn't change the fact that I loved them. I loved them more than anything I could ever imagine loving. And when it came right down to it, while I didn't always love the job, I loved the honor of being their mother.

Jacob stood in the doorway with the baby in his arms. He watched the exchange between me and Sarah with pride and then crossed over to us, lowering Charlotte so I could kiss her plump little cheeks.

"You almost ready to get out? I'll get them in bed if you're not."

"I'm almost done, thanks. Could you get them in? I wanted to shave my legs."

Jacob grinned and raised his eyebrows. "Absolutely. Oh and hey, I forgot to tell you, Sam and Emily invited us over tonight, fish fry. I told them yes. Figured you'd welcome the break."

"Sure, sounds good." I nodded while running the razor over my legs.

Sam Uley was Jacob's boss, but he and his wife, Emily, were also our friends. Their preteen daughters loved playing with our girls, so whenever we went there it was a nice break to sit back and actually have an adult conversation that lasted more than five or so syllables.

A fish fry meant all our mutual friends would be there. Guys that Jake had grown up with on the reservation and their wives, mostly Quileute and a few "pale faces" like me. It was a good group of people, honest and hardworking. They'd become my second family since I didn't have much of a first one to begin with. A mother and a father, separate, not together. The former I saw so sporadically over the past seven years, I'm not even sure it counted. I don't think she ever got over my choice to stay in Forks rather than move to Jacksonville with her. And then I married Jake, when I was just shy of no longer being a teenager. It was the life she didn't want for me. The life she tried to avoid by leaving Forks with me in the first place. My only redemption was giving her the girls, whom she loved more than anything else. If it wasn't for them, I wondered if we'd even talk at all.

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"What are you doing Bella? Don't you need to get dressed?" Jake reached in the fridge for another beer while I sat damp in my robe at my laptop.

"Just a sec, I wanted to look something up. Since we're headed near town, I might want to pop into the library."

"Finish your book already? That good?"

I smiled up at him, pleased he'd taken-or at the very least feigned-an interest. "It was great, so good. I'd give my right foot to write like that."

Jake chugged at the beer and then spoke, "From what I remember you weren't a half bad writer yourself. Didn't you win some prize senior year? Some literary something or another?"

"Uh-huh. Yeah, but God, that was ages ago." Yet another memory from when I was just Bella. I was racking them up today.

"Yeah, when you had nothing better to do, right? Speaking of, did you remember to wash those whites? I'm down to my last pair of underwear." He stepped back out of the kitchen without waiting for my answer as the sound of the game returning called to him.

I stuck out my tongue at the empty room and typed the author's name into Google. I was pretty sure I'd read all the copies of her work they had at the local library, but if I was lucky I might find something used on Amazon. Her website popped up and I pushed the mouse past 'Appearances' to 'Novels', and clicked. I scrolled through the list and realized I'd read everything she'd written, but I was giddy at the heading announcing a new work this summer. I hit the rest of the tabs, reading her bio, her blog postings, the links to other authors. The website was so personal, so intimate, I felt like I knew her, like she was inviting me in. Glancing up at the clock and realizing how little time I had to get dressed now, I clicked on 'Appearances', half-hoping, half-knowing there was no way in hell that she'd be at a bookstore near me soon.

Just as I suspected, she wouldn't be touring until just after her book release in a few months and the closest she'd come to here was hours away. I was about to hit the red 'x' in the corner but I hesitated over a hotlink for a Writer's Conference. Her name was listed alongside with the designation "Key Note Speaker." I clicked the link, and when the page opened up, I felt my heart flutter.

The conference was being held near Monterey, California next month. The words leaped off the screen as my eyes scanned them. I'd never heard of something like this before. Where someone could go and spend their days in workshops learning like this, from people like this. She wasn't the only well-known name I saw as I scanned the list of presenters. I glanced over my shoulder and clicked 'registration information', the flashing banner appearing made butterflies rise in my chest.

'_Last Minute Registration Discount! Workshop roulette allows an amazing discount! Great option for novices. Space extremely limited, register now!_'

I chewed at my thumb nail and slid it between my teeth. I could not believe I was considering this. There was no way I could consider this. The money, the girls, how could this work? But I knew that even with my rational mind drowning out the overwhelming desire of my heart that I would still do this. That I needed to do this. This was what I was looking for, without even knowing it.

I reached across the table and into my purse that had tumbled over on top. I dug for my phone and my fingers flew across the keys shooting a text to Renee.

_Any chance you might want to come watch your favorite granddaughters for me? For a week? Next month?_

I held my breath and pushed the buttons along the side of the phone to vibrate. It buzzed in my hands not a minute later.

_Of course! When? Where are you going?_

I dropped the phone on the table and rubbed my face in my hands. I was doing this. I picked it up and answered.

_A writing conference in Monterey. Just found out about it. Really, really want to go. _

_What does Jake think?_

_Doesn't know._

_Oh. I think it's great, Bella, really great. Send me dates I'll book tickets. _

Oh shit. I was doing this. I answered Renee and reached into my purse again. I slid my hand in my wallet and pulled out the credit card that was within an inch of its life as it was. My fingers trembled as I hunched over the laptop, henpecking the keys to avoid Jake's awareness with my usual rapid-fire typing. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and clicked 'send'.

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_**~ I'd love reviews more than my kids would love Yo Gabba Gabba playing on a continous feed all day long~**_


	2. What Do I Have To Do?

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**XoXos to KatieTv and SugarTits for the pre-reading and the hand holding and the love (and the answering of stupid questions, what's the difference between a hit and a view? will the world implode when I hit the publish story button? why the hell won't my computer let me use msn messenger?) And much love to those who reviewed/alerted/favorited yesterday. I squeed for each one of you.**

**I had Chapter 2 written already so I decided to post it now. However, the tiny people that run around here and call themselves my children will not let me keep up with daily posting. But I promise I'll be frequent.**

**The story is rated M for a reason. We start to delve into adult issues here folks. If you're not an adult, move along. This probably wouldn't interest you anyways.**

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_What do I have to do? To make you happy?_

_What do I have to do? To make you understand?_

_What do I have to do? To make you want me?_

_But if I can't make you want me...what do I have to do?_

~What Do I Have To Do, Stabbing Westward

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_~~BPOV~~_

"You okay?" Emily reached out and grazed my forearm with her soft fingertips. "You're a million miles away."

I shook my head to clear the dancing visions of freedom and focused on the face across from me. "Only about a thousand, actually."

"What's that?" she said.

I shook my head and shrugged, unsure whether or not to tell her. I knew she wouldn't say anything if I asked her not to, but I wasn't sure I even had the balls to ask Jake if I could go. But then again, I'd already told Renee and she'd be on me like flies on butter to make sure it happened.

"Bel-la," she said with a knowing look."What's up?"

"Um, I sort of signed up for this conference in California next month without asking Jake first. I'm trying to figure out a way to tell him without pissing him off." I slid my arms across the table and turned my palms up.

Emily's eyes widened and she leaned in to whisper. "Oooh Bella, what kind of conference?"

"Writing. You know, like authors and stuff. It's for people who write. And people like me who want to write. I got a discount because it's so close to it, I guess they want to fill up space. It's huge, though. They take over this retreat conference center place, the whole thing. And you spend all day in workshops learning the craft." I tucked my chin into my chest and smiled.

"Look at you Bella, you're glowing!" she said.

"I am?" I touched my cheek and felt the warmth of flush. "I am so excited, Em. I don't want him to say no."

"How could he say no to that face? It's the same one Sarah makes when she begs for cookies." Emily laughed and leaned in again. "Seriously Bella, he'll say yes to make you happy, you know he will. Just make him happy before you ask. Fill his belly with my fish and beer, take him home, seduce him, and ask. Any man will say yes to his woman after an orgasm."

I gave her a small smile. I wished it were that easy, little did she know.

"What are you two whispering about? Swapping bedroom advice?"

My head snapped up at the sound of Leah's haughty voice. She stood at the end of the picnic table, arms crossed, one eyebrow raised over a dark crescent of thick lashes. She smirked at me and I rolled my eyes at her. Smug bitch. Nobody told me she'd be here.

"Hey, Cuz! You're half right; I was teaching Bella the fine art of getting what she wants out of her man." Leah's eyebrow shot higher and her smirk deepened as Emily rushed to finish. "Wait that didn't sound right! I meant that in a non sexual way."

"Sure you did. Well Bella, if you need any tips, let me know." She leaned forward on her arms and her long hair swished across her back.

"Yeah, no. I'm good. Thanks. I've just got to talk to Jake about something and Emily was giving me ideas on how to approach him. You know, from one wife to another."

Leah's almond eyes narrowed and her elbows straightened. "Right. Of course. You married girls have to stick together. I wouldn't know a thing about all that, thank God. I much prefer doing what I want, when I want."

"And who you want," I whispered into my shoulder as I turned to look at the game of flag football starting on the lawn.

"Come again?" Leah asked as she pushed off the table and adjusted her top.

"Hmm? I didn't say anything," I lied.

"Whatever. I'm getting in on that." Leah pointed to the field and jogged to the group of guys organizing teams and sticking shirts in their waistbands. Paul gave her a double high five as Jake and Sam fought over whose team she'd go to.

"What?" I said to Emily, who was giving me a look.

"Be nice, Bella."

"Yes ma'am. But if she pulls her shirt off too, I'm leaving." I jacked my thumb over my shoulder at the half-naked wolf pack leering at their newest teammate.

I got that Leah was her cousin and therefore Emily couldn't, or wouldn't, say anything bad about her, despite the fact that she thought it. We got bombed one time at a beach bonfire and Emily had admitted in a drunken stupor that she couldn't stand Leah just as much as me, but was still ridden with guilt for snatching Sam away from her. I thought she was crazy. Sam and Leah dated briefly, ages ago, but Sam had a bigger brain in his head than his dick because he wisely fell in love with Emily, and they've been happily ever after since. I thought their ten-plus years of marriage and their litter of gorgeous children was more than enough to trump Leah's 'woman scorned' card. Emily needed to stop feeling guilty and Leah needed to get the hell over it.

"Bella?" Emily was smiling at me.

"What? Sorry. Wasn't listening."

"Yeah I could tell. All I was saying was you worry too much. Just ask Jake, he'll be cool. And you know if he's not he'll come to Sam, so I'll tell Sam to tell him to chill."

I smirked at her. She was right. It was like when Kim wanted a new car so Emily told Sam to take a look at her old one. Sam told Jared that his wife's car was a death trap. Presto, Kim had a new, well, new-slash- used, car that weekend. He yielded a lot of power and us wives used it to our full advantage via the ever-convincing Emily Uley.

"Hey! Uh-uh! Stop that!" Emily leaped from the table and crossed the yard to her young sons. "What is that in your hand? Is that dog poop? Why are you touching dog poop? What do you mean you're making pie? Did you eat the pie you made? Did you? You did? You ate the pie made of dog poop? Yes? Oh God! SAAAMMMMM!"

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"You just about ready Bella?" Jake said from the Adirondack chair to my right.

We were all circled around the fire pit, and I had tucked myself into a ball trying to seal in my body heat. Sarah had gone inside with the Uley girls ages ago, and I could see them through the sliding glass door, dancing across the living room. Charlotte had lain down in the soft grass at my feet and fell asleep, cheek to the earth and bottom to the sky.

"Yeah, I'm ready. We should have gone awhile ago. Poor Charlotte." We all looked down at her back rising and falling with soft breaths.

"She doesn't seem to mind," Sam said.

"Nah," Jake said while he pulled himself up to stand, "she's like Bella. Girl can pass out anywhere." His hand reached over to ruffle my hair.

"Come here baby," I whispered into her sleeping back as I pulled her off the ground and into my chest. She collapsed onto my shoulder without a sound. "Jake, will you get Sarah?"

"Give me the hard job. Sure, you take the cuddly baby and leave me to hog tie the demon hopped up on sugar and Hannah Montana." Jake groaned and stretched his arms above his head before he reached out to clasp Sam's hand. "Thanks for having us man. We had a great time."

"Of course, of course. We'll talk on Monday about that new contract, okay?" Sam said.

"Sounds good." Jake turned to me, waiting.

I waved to the group collectively and moved toward Emily to say goodnight. She stood to hug me and softly whispered to my ear, "Good luck." I blushed and nodded when I saw Jake watching.

I moved to the car and he to the house. I could hear Sarah arguing with him but not a second later he emerged with her on his shoulders. That was why I sent him. If it had been me, she would have fought for at least ten minutes, screaming and running around the room to avoid my grasp. She only gave him an ounce of defiance while she gave me a pound.

The drive home was quiet and we didn't speak again until we shut the door to their room, grinning at the successful car seat-to-bed transfer.

"I guess we'll brush their teeth twice in the morning?" I said and smiled up at Jake.

"They'll live," he said wrapping his arms around my neck and pressing my face into his chest.

I felt his warmth and relaxed into it. Jake sighed and kissed the top of my head, loosening his grip to run his hand down my back. I wanted to take Emily's advice. It had been so long. I pressed my lips into his t-shirt and thought of his wiggling eyebrows when I shaved my legs that afternoon.

"Come on," I said. I pulled back from him and tugged at his arm.

"Where are we going?"

"To bed." I walked backwards down the hall, pulling at the unmoving statue in front of me. "Come on." I said again.

He opened his mouth, no doubt to protest my suggestion, and closed it again. He took a tiny step forward and then looked back to the girls' door.

"They're asleep Jake. They're fine. Please." I kept my irritation in check. If he makes me beg for it only to get shot down, I swear to Buddha I'm going to knee him in the balls. I can't take that kind of blow to my ego again.

"Yeah, okay. Okay." He took a deep breath and followed me into our room.

I moved in to kiss him and found myself pushing to part his lips. I fumbled with his belt to drop his pants. His hands found mine and pulled them up around his neck. I kissed him again and he clutched me to him. I reached for his pants and he stopped me.

"Slow down Bella." He gave my lips a peck and hugged me.

"For what? I want you naked. I need you. I want to touch you. I want you to touch me. I know you've thought about it. I saw you looking at me in the tub."

Jake squirmed and pulled away, "Don't. You know that doesn't turn me on. Don't talk like that."

This again. We'd been here before. I should have known. God forbid I opened my mouth to tell him how I felt, what I wanted. I thought I was doing him a favor, telling him rather than expecting him to know. It had been clear to me for a long time he had no idea how to read me or anticipate my needs. Didn't know how or didn't care enough to, I wasn't sure which it was.

It started when I got pregnant with Sarah. At first I thought it was that typical "I don't want to hurt the baby" expectant dad fear. The longer it went on, the more I had to convince myself that it wasn't because he didn't find me attractive any longer. He told me all the time I was beautiful carrying his baby. And after she was born, I deduced it was the shock of witnessing the trauma that is childbirth. Then, I figured it was the exhaustion of being new parents before I came to realize my husband just didn't want to have sex with me anymore. Sometimes he'd flirt or eye me suggestively but when it came down to it, he wouldn't let his dick cash the check.

I thought maybe they were all like this. I'd heard the jokes, _sex was non-existent after kids_. But the punch line usually revolved around the chick, not the guy. It wasn't until a rowdy girls-night-out in Port Angeles with Emily, Kim, and Claire that I realized we were not the norm. In fact, from the way those girls told it, we were so far from the norm, I couldn't have found it with a compass, a map, and a neon flashing sign.

Emily shared, through champagne-induced giggles, how much better her sex life was than it'd ever been before. Having kids meant anticipation for them. They couldn't just do it whenever they wanted like when they were first married. Now they had to find the time, sneak away; make innocent sounding suggestions to one another over dinner. The lead up was the best foreplay she'd ever had. It was a scavenger hunt and sex was the prize. And Sam delighted in relishing his treasure.

For Kim it was what I had expected. When her kids were little, she was too tired for it, but the older they got the more they found time to make it happen. Claire said her sex life was pretty much the same just without so much hooting and hollering. That led to a hysterical laughing fit amongst the three of them that bailed me out of having to share. There was no way I was going to tell them about the involuntary vow of celibacy I'd apparently entered into.

It wasn't like I wanted it all the time. There were days when the girls were so clingy they sucked the life out of me like greedy little vampires. Sometimes, by the time I crawled into bed at night I was all touched out. What I didn't need was Jake making me feel like a whore every time I asked for it. I played mother Madonna all day long, but at night I could separate those roles when it seemed he could not.

"Let's just go to bed. Sorry I said anything." I walked to the bathroom to ready for bed. When I returned, he was sitting on the edge the mattress in his boxers.

"What did you want to ask me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Leah said you'd be 'pretty convincing' tonight to get your way. So what is that you want?" Jake looked up to me and raised his brows.

I sighed. Of course she had to ruin this. "That's not what this is about."

"But you had something to ask?"

"Yeah I did."

"So, what is it?"

"I don't want to ask you now. You're mad. Let's just talk about it tomorrow."

"I'm not mad, I just want to know." He reached for me and pulled me to him. He sank his forehead into my stomach and sighed. "I'd like to think if there is something you wanted from me you could just ask and not to try to bribe your way with favors."

"I wasn't trying to bribe you. I told you that's not what it was about." I pushed my hands down his shoulders, easing the tense muscles. "I found something that I really want to do. I'm scared you'll say no."

The muscles tightened beneath my fingers.

"What is it?"

"A conference, for writers. It's in California for a week. Renee said she'd come watch the girls. There was a discount…" My voice trailed off. While I waited for his reply, I kneaded his shoulders.

"For writers? You're not a writer."

I pushed a little too hard at the knot I'd been working out and smiled when he yelped. "No, but I think I'd like to be. I think it would be good for me to have something. Something other than making dinner and playing Barbies, you know?"

He was quiet for a while before he spoke. "Yeah, okay. I think it'd be good. I mean it's just a week right? You need a hobby." He let of my waist and pushed himself under the covers. "Can you get the light?"

I walked to the switch and glanced at my husband before flicking it. I walked the memorized path around to my side of the bed and lifted the blankets to lay myself on the cold, damp sheets. I turned to face the wall just as his hand came around the top of my shoulder and his fingertips squeezed into my chest. They moved a fraction of an inch lower and I scooted back to give him more reach. His hand slid further down my shirt and hovered over my left breast. He gave it a squeeze.

I waited, knowing it could go either way. When he squeezed again, I pushed back further, tucking my butt into him. He was soft. I wiggled against him as his fingertips grazed my nipple and pushed further down my shirt to the top of my pajama pants. He plunged his hand beneath the waistband and cupped me.

I knew better than to moan. It would only remind him I was there and put an end to his exploration and the semi I felt stirring against my back. His hand slid out from my pants and then my shirt. It pressed into my shoulder, pushing me flat against the bed. I felt him move around me and straddle my thighs as he slid down the flannel pants. He gave the area a few more pats and then leaned forward, bracing himself on one arm and his knees. He moved across the entrance and I could feel his hand propping up his half-limp erection at the base. He pressed against the side of my lips and groaned before thrusting into me.

He got stuck along the way given the lack of lubrication, natural or otherwise. I shimmied my hips to help move him in further and he let go of himself to clutch my hip still. He dug his fingertips into my hipbone and then moved his hand back to the base.

I lay mute in the dark as he pushed into me, his fist the punctuation of every thrust. A minute or three went by and he groaned again, shuddered, and fell on my chest. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness and I watched him tuck himself back into the boxer shorts he hadn't bothered to take off. He patted my head, yawned, and disappeared under the covers to go to sleep.

I woke to a wet pillow caused by more than just the humidity in the air. The girls were calling my name but Jake was already sitting up, one foot on the floor. His smile radiated across the bed and he leaned in to kiss me.

"Good morning, huh?" He chuckled to himself. "You sleep in baby, I'll get the girls."

He pulled the covers up around me and tucked them into my sides like he knew I liked and pinched my cheek. He sat back, surveying me before rising to leave. When I heard the door click closed I lifted my arm out of the blanket burrito and fished in my nightstand drawer until my fingers closed around the small calendar book. I flipped the pages looking for the check mark that indicated the birth control shot he didn't know I got. I found the small symbol and counted forward relieved when today's date fell in the tenth week. Then I could go back to sleep.

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_**~~I'd love reviews more than Bella would love a husband that wants to bang her silly~~**_


	3. Goin' To California

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Merci beaucoup to KatieTV and SugarTits for pre-reading and just the right amount of riding my ass to get another chapter out. **

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_Made up my mind to make a new start_

_Goin' to California with an achin'_

_In my heart_

_~Goin' to California, Led Zeppelin

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_~~BPOV~~_

Somehow, the disaster zone in front of me was worse than it had been this morning when I had started cleaning the house. I spent hours shuffling from room to room, arms laden with crap that belonged elsewhere. It took half the day just to put everything away so that I could start the actual cleaning process, and it took my children less than five minutes to undo it all.

There was a trail of puzzle pieces leading to the kitchen where a tower of blocks had been demolished, and an overturned cup seeped milk down the front of the cabinets. There were no less than fifty unmatched tiny socks strewn across the living room, and the couch was covered with a pile of satin dress-up gowns. Sarah's dolls were staging a sit-in in the bathtub and her stuffed animals watched from the sink. My made bed was now demolished, pillows thrown on the floor and blankets rumpled, and two little girls sat in the middle, one covered with stickers and the other wielding a play stethoscope.

"Oh, hello, Mommy," Dr. Sarah said, "Charlotte's got the chicken pops and I'm gonna give her a big old shot."

I looked at Charlotte laying flat on the bed, head-to-toe in sparkling heart stickers, and took a deep breath. I replayed my mantra in my head, _they're only little for so long_, _they're only little for so long._

"Sarah, we have to leave to pick up Grandma at the airport in an hour. Didn't Mommy ask you to be my helper today?"

"But I am helping Mommy. I'm helping so Grandma doesn't get the chicken pops. Sissy's getting her saxinations and then I'll give Grandma some too." She leaned over her sister and pushed a purple marker into her thigh. It wasn't until then that I noticed Charlotte's purple mouth.

"Sarah, why is her mouth purple?" I asked, knowing the answer. I hoped 'non-toxic' meant "your kid won't die if they suck on this."

Sarah clasped her hands at her chest as if in prayer and said with the utmost reverence, "It's the pops. She's got it bad."

I knew if I laughed I'd hurt her feelings, so I pressed my lips together while my eyes watered. "Okay then. Well, Charlotte is expected to make a full recovery so I need to you go pick up all your toys and take them back to your room. We have to clean up again before we leave for Port Angeles."

It took the next hour to clean up the wake of Hurricane Sarah, wrestle Charlotte into clothes, and find the mates of the only shoes they had that fit. By the time I had both girls in the car with enough toys and snacks to keep them occupied for the two hour round trip, we were late.

Renee didn't seem to notice when we pulled up ten minutes behind. She sat on top of a large duffel bag beneath a wide overhang, bobbing her head to the music from her earphones. I waved at her and she popped the last bite of the candy bar she was consuming in her mouth before jumping up and running to the car. The passenger door flung open and she crawled across the seats to me, wrapping her arms around my neck.

"Bella! Hey baby!" She cooed.

"Hey, Mom. Sorry we're late."

"Grandma, Grandma!" Sarah cried from the back seat.

"My baby's babies! Hello my darling girls!" She knelt in the seat facing backward to talk to Sarah. I saw a porter glancing at her abandoned bag and got out of the car to get it. I threw it in the trunk and maneuvered into my seat and back out on the road.

"Mom, turn around and put on your seat belt, okay?"

"Oh stop, I will. I'm just talking to my girls, it's been so long! And like you'd get pulled over anyways."

She was right, no cop around here was going to pull over the chief's daughter, but that didn't mean I broke the law. "I'm not worried about a ticket; I don't want to scrape you off the blacktop."

Renee flopped in her seat and rolled her eyes. "Please, you don't even speed." She dug in the front pocket of her backpack and pulled out a large piece of bubble gum. "Can I give her some?"

"Um, no. She doesn't know how to chew gum."

"Well you have to teach her, silly." Renee poked my ribs and turned back to Sarah.

"Grandma's going to give you some gum. It tastes good. You chew it like this," her mouth moved in exaggeration, "but you don't swallow it, okay? Don't eat it, just chew." Sarah nodded in the rear view mirror and Renee broke off a chunk and handed it to her.

"She's going to swallow it." I said.

"Give her the benefit of the doubt. Now why is Charlotte stuck staring out the back window? She's old enough to turn around. I want to see her gorgeous face."

I gritted my teeth and glanced over my shoulder to merge. "It's safer that way, Mom. She's so tiny for her age and it's not like it bothers her. It's what they recommend nowadays."

"Ha! When I was a baby I laid on the floor between my mother's feet. I turned out fine."

That was definitely up for debate. "Didn't you get in a bad car accident when you were little?"

"Yeah, but I just got windshield glass in my face. Wouldn't have mattered if I was in a car seat." She reached out to flip the radio from my favorite classic rock station to one playing current pop hits. "Oooh, I love this song! Come on girls, car dance with Grandma!" Her arms waved above her head.

"Grandma, can I haves some mores gum. That was yummy."

"Told you," I said to Renee.

She stuck her tongue out me and closed her eyes to dance.

* * *

I stood staring at the open suitcase on my bed, at a total loss to figure out what should go inside it. It was Sunday night and I was leaving first thing in the morning. I picked up the registration packet again and leafed through the information. Besides the workshops, classes, seminars, and speakers, there were optional cocktail hours, dinners, and social events. It was like summer camp for adults.

"I cannot believe you haven't packed yet. So unlike you. And your wine choices were shit, by the way." Renee sauntered into the room, sipping from a wine glass and handing me another. "Is that the info, can I see?"

"Yeah here," I said handing her the folder. "And the lack of selection is due to the fact that I don't drink wine, you know that. I keep a few bottles on hand to offer guests."

She took a sip and grimaced. "Good God, get something else next time or you're going to offend them. I'm almost wishing I'd gone for the piss-in-a-can in the fridge or the tequila on top."

"Whatever. Help me pack. I don't know what to take." I flopped on the bed and covered my face with a pillow.

She dove into my closet and returned with an armful of items. "This is cute, is this new?" she said holding up a top.

I moved the pillow and looked at her, "Yeah Jake gave me some money a couple weeks ago. Said he'd been saving up for me so I could get some clothes for the trip. All that is the new stuff."

"That was sweet of him. So he's cool with this?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean he hasn't said much. Didn't say no when I asked, which is what I thought he'd do. The money was a nice surprise."

"Can't help loving that son-in-law of mine. Okay, so let's see. It looks like you're in classes all day until Friday. And then you have some free time on Saturday because you're not signed up for as many weekend workshops. And Sunday afternoon you leave." she said and flipped through the pages.

"Yeah, those were filled up. A lot of people come just for the weekend stuff. And I'm not going to do those mixer things." I shuddered and folded a pair of jeans she'd brought from the closet.

"You have to socialize, Bella. They're networking opportunities."

"Networking? Seriously? Nice corporate speak there."

"It's the point. Don't miss the opportunity to meet people in the industry. You never know what might happen."

"I get it, but some of that doesn't even apply to me. I'm just getting started in all this. Like that one," I leaned over to her and pointed, "with the literary agents. I am not there yet. You look for agents after you've written a book, not when you randomly decide you're going to attend a conference and think about writing."

"All right. Well at least go to a few of the socials or something. Let's pull out a handful of sundresses to have just in case. The rest of it seems casual, so I think you can get away with nice jeans and tops."

"Sundresses? Mom, it's not much warmer there than it is here."

"Ah, Northern California is so fickle. It could be gorgeous or freezing. We'll pack cardigans and layers. No Bella, not those sneakers, too casual. You're not seventeen anymore." She pushed away my favorite pair of faded blue Converse.

"Hey, I've got free time, you said it yourself. These sneakers go where I go. In fact, I'm wearing them on the plane." I set them on top of my dresser with jeans and a matching Henley.

"So defiant. Maybe you are seventeen."

"You're one to talk. And hey, I wanted to say thanks by the way."

"For what?"

"Coming here and the plane ticket. You didn't have to do that."

"Well I sure as hell wasn't going to let you drive your old Chevy truck a thousand miles like you planned. And we've got tons of extra miles, you know that."

"I still appreciate it, and I know Phil didn't want to give you up during spring training."

"Oh please, he's so busy I barely see him. And I could not do another MLB wives brunch. I am so thankful he's retiring this year."

"Come one, you love it. This is what you dreamed of when he was in the minors." My mom's marriage to Phil was how I wound up in Forks during my junior year of high school. They were always on the road and it only got more hectic when he moved up to the "The Show" after I graduated and he became a Florida Marlin.

"Baby girl, I learned a long time ago, be careful what you wish for because you just might get it." She tilted her head back and downed the rest of the wine.

"Bella, come on, we're going to be late." Jake came in the front door from warming the car.

"I know, I know, I'm just...one minute, okay?" I turned from him back to Renee. "I wrote out a bunch of stuff and left it on the kitchen table. Their typical schedule, stuff they like, stuff they don't. Above all else Mom, do not give them a ton of sugar. You'll be doing yourself a favor. And-"

"Bella! I've done this before! Case in point," she said touching my nose, "and I did a damn good job if I say so myself. Go, I'll figure it out. And Jake is here. We're fine." She turned me around and pushed me out the front door.

"Please kiss them for me?" I swallowed my tears and climbed into Jake's truck. The girls had slept past seven for the first time in ages. I didn't know if my not being there to say goodbye would be harder or easier for them. _Or for me_.

We were out on the highway before we spoke. I stared into the trees and Jake had his favorite morning show on the radio. I waited until they went to commercial to talk.

"Thanks for driving me. You didn't have to. I could have taken the Chevy."

He nodded and squinted into the darkness. "Yeah, I know. Sam's having me pick up some paperwork while I'm in town anyway. And I figured we'd save on airport parking for a week. I'm not even sure how we're going to afford this as it is."

I felt the oxygen slip from the cab. He hadn't said anything about the cost of the trip. I saw the credit card statement come in so I knew that he knew. Still, mentioning it now made me uneasy. What the hell could I do about it?

"I'm sorry. You know you didn't have to give me the money for clothes, we could have just put that to the card. And it's all inclusive. There's no extra costs from here out."

"Yeah. Well, we'll figure it out." He changed lanes and pressed into the gas. He didn't look at me once.

The anxiety dropped in my stomach like I was swallowing rolls of quarters. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to turn around and hold my babies and not worry about spending money and hurting my family.

It was quiet the rest of the way. Neither of us had anything else to say.

* * *

"Seat backs and tray tables up and to their locked positions, please. All portable, hand-held devices must be turned off at this time. We will be turning on the fasten seat belt sign."

My eyes fluttered open and I pressed my finger into the metal button on the arm rest. The seat sprang up and I put my head back against the wall and closed my eyes again. I wanted to sleep for the entire flight but I couldn't. It wasn't until the captain said those magical words, "We're beginning our initial descent" did my eyes shut. I don't know what is was about the descent; if there is a change in cabin pressure or if it's the feeling of controlled falling, but it will knock me out faster than an Ambien any day and without the side effect of hallucinations or sleep-eating.

Problem was, I never understood those who raved about the benefits of a "power nap". Twenty minutes of sleep left me feeling groggy and bitchy, not rejuvenated and fresh-faced. I pushed my way off the plane to baggage claim and bitch-faced anyone who looked like they might touch my bag. I mean really, how do so many people forget what their luggage looks like? They only parted with it two hours ago. And I'm assuming they didn't stop and buy the bag on the way to the airport. They had to be previously acquainted. Are people that clueless or is short term memory loss a bigger epidemic than one would think?

I glanced down at my watch. The place holding the conference was running shuttles down to Monterey for cheapskates like me who needed transportation, and I had ten minutes to get outside and find it or wait three hours for another one. I saw it just as the doors closed and broke into a full sprint down the sidewalk. A passenger noticed me and called to the driver to wait.

"Thank you," I exhaled as I flopped in the seat across from him. The driver lifted my suitcase above my head and closed the doors again to push out into traffic. "I didn't want to wait here for hours."

"No prob." said the pony-tailed stranger. "How could I not empathize with that look of panic? You gave quite the valiant effort, booking it like that. I'm Garrett Poetry." His hand stuck out across the aisle.

"Uh, Bella," I said taking his hand and shaking. "Is that your real name?"

His head fell back as he laughed. "My name is Garrett, poetry is what I write. What about you?"

"Oh, yeah, of course. Duh. Um, I want to write fiction. A novel. I'd love to write a novel."

"So you're Bella Novelist. This your first time?"

"To the conference? Yeah."

"Virgin," he said, winking and causing a fast blush to spread across my face, "fresh meat on the farm."

"Stop G, you're scaring the poor girl. She's just a baby." A voice called to us from behind. I turned my head around to see a small guy with a shaved head and bushy dark eyebrows leaning forward on the seats. "Benito Children's Lit," he said raising the caterpillars above his eyes, "ignore Garrett, he's a douche."

I gave a tight smile and nodded. Guys were so annoying. Put a girl in front of them and you're forced to listen to juvenile insults and futile attempts to one up each other.

"Does everyone do that?" I asked.

"What?" they answered in unison.

"Say their genre or whatever, like a last name."

"Ay Dios mio. Mija, you're funny." Benito said, running a hand across the top of his nonexistent hair. "Do we do that Garrett?"

"I guess we do. We need to accentuate the pause, huh? Say our comma? Garrett," he took a long pause, "poetry."

"Much better." I laughed. Maybe they weren't too bad after all.

"My turn, my turn. Benito. Children's Literature." He stared us down with crazed intent.

"Little less James Bond, buddy. I thought you were about to pistol whip me." Garrett pulled a cigarette out from a pack, tapped it on the seat back in front of him, and then tucked it behind his ear. "Jesus, when are we going to get there already? I need a smoke."

"Chill. We got an hour at least."

"Is is that long? I think I want to nap." I said, yawning and stretching my arms out in front of me.

"No! No napping! Don't you want to smell that first breeze of ocean?" Garrett gaped at me, aghast.

I smiled and pushed my back pack across the seat to make a pillow. "I'm good. I come from the same ocean."

"Lucky. Me and Benny and are landlocked. We crave this shit like nothing else."

"Enjoy your first hit," I said as I lay across the seat and closed my eyes. The descent must have still been in my system, because it only felt like seconds passed before Garrett and Benito were rousing me awake and pulling a very drowsy Bella into a large craftsman building.

"Go check in with the center first, little sister, and we'll show you where to check in with the organizers and get all your stuff." Garret pointed me toward a tall counter.

I rubbed my swollen eyes and raked my fingers through very tousled hair. Nap was a bad idea. I was hung over on sleep and totally out of it. I turned, looking for my suitcase, before realizing Garrett had wheeled it to the counter for me. _Pay attention Bella_. I turned again and collided with an intoxicating scent of clean and man.

"Hey watch out, you okay?" The scent chuckled and said softly, "Pay attention," squeezed my arm, and was gone.

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**Translations:**

**Ay Dios mio- Oh my God**

**Mija- slang literally meaning my daughter (mi hija) but commonly used like "girl" or "sweetie" and the like**

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to find out who Bella just ran into~~**_


	4. Scarlet Begonias

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**All the HHDs in the world to KatieTV for the pre-reading and the constant pimping. Makes me want to, oh I don't know, tell everyone to go check out her fic My Indentured Love. Love to SugarTits just for being her. I would love to tawk to you over cawfee anytime. And a special Happy Birthday to Buhbeesgirl! Your little par-tay last night is what gave me the sleep deprived creativity flow to finish this today. **

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_Well I ain't never been right as I ain't never been wrong _

_As everything works out the way it does in this song_

'_Cause once in a while you get shown in the light_

_In the strangest of places if you look at it right_

_~Scarlet Begonias, Sublime

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_~~BPOV~~_

"So, you're all checked in, hon. You're over in Scarlet Begonia, that's right here," she said circling an area on the map she just handed me. "We don't do room numbers here. All the cabins are named for a flower. Your roommate's already here; she's got one of the keys, here is the other. Now this," she handed me another paper with the key, "is our little daily newsletter telling you what's being served at what time and all the other goings-on. You'll get one under your door each morning. And I've been instructed to send you into the living room to check in with the conference folks before you head to your room."

"Okay, thank you. And the living room is...?"

"Just straight through the foyer you can't miss it. When you're ready to go to your room come on back out here and one of our boys will take you down in the golf cart."

I thanked her again and rolled my suitcase across the wide open room toward a massive fire place surrounded by the kind of furniture that looked like it'd swallow you whole the second you sank into it. There were walls of bookshelves and small tables and chairs tucked together some with game boards on top, waiting to be played. Just at the entrance was a long, skirted table where two women sat with a sign reading "Northern California's Writers Conference Check-In." Obviously, I was in the right place.

"Welcome! You need your registration packet? Name?"

"Isabella Black, oh I mean Swan, sorry it's under Swan." When I first booked the trip online, I used my maiden name and Charlie's address for the contact information. I didn't want a paper trail in case I decided not to ask Jake if I could go. Charlie had called me when the packet came and I kept meaning to contact them and change it but I forgot.

"No problem. I just saw your packet when I checked in Randall Stevens...Swan, Swan," she said, flipping through the folders in front of her. "Oh, here it is! Okay, sign off right there that you've arrived. Here's an updated schedule for you that shows any changes since registration as well as the location of your classes. We've added several new events so make sure to look it over. Your name tag and lanyard is in there too. Make sure you wear that pretty much all the time. It's what identifies you as belonging since we have the entire resort reserved; anyone that doesn't have one of those shouldn't be here. All of the staff wear red lanyards and yours are black," she pulled at the name tag necklace around her, "so if you need something or have any questions, just find someone in red." She finished her spiel, smiling up at me and pulling off her reading glasses.

"Great, thanks." I walked from the table and saw Garrett waiting for me. "Hey, you didn't have to wait for me."

"You look a little overwhelmed. Thought I could at least get you delivered to your room. Where you at?" He plucked the circled map from my hand. "Oh you're in English Garden. I'm over here in the Southerns, Magnolia." He tapped on the area of the map to the south of us.

"Unique concept." I said.

He nodded and motioned to a young guy in shorts and a light green polo shirt. "This place is like no other. They've done a good job creating their own little world here. They used to move this conference around each year but when they found this place, oh five or so years ago, they've never left. The center loves us; they tell us it's their favorite conference of the year. "

"Yes, sir?" said the polo shirted boy.

"She's headed to Scarlet Begonia and I'm over in Magnolia."

"Of course. Here, let me get those bags." He reached out for our luggage and I followed Garrett onto the waiting golf cart.

The cart bounced a little as it pushed off from the curb, and we started down the narrow road flanked by tall eucalyptus trees, reaching cypresses, and crawling vines. The main house was perched on a cliff by the ocean and there was a wide yard and grassy areas filled with benches and picnic tables for enjoying the view. We turned into the forestry and little cedar cabins squatted every few hundred feet, all facing toward the water.

"Here you are. I'll catch you at the Welcome Reception," he said as the cart pulled up and stopped at my cabin. I told him goodbye and followed the golf cart-driving bell hop to the door. It was open so I tucked my key in my pocket.

"Hello?" I called out into the room. There was a small sitting area just as I walked in with a fireplace in the corner. Along the back wall were cabinets and a kitchenette. There were doors on both sides of the room, and a head peeked out of the one on the left.

"Hey. Hold up, I was just changing. Your room is over there," the head had an arm that pointed to the door directly across, "I'll be out in just a minute."

I maneuvered my bag around a love seat and through the door to a tiny but cozy room. There was a deep red comforter and mountain of pillows on the bed. Prints of flowers hung on the walls and an antique mirror was over a small dresser. They weren't typical hotel furnishings. I felt like I was at a guest room in a close friend's home. I lifted my bag onto the bed and headed back to the living room.

I lowered myself to the chair facing the window to gaze at the ocean. It was the same ocean as in La Push, just a thousand-plus miles of shore between us, but it seemed brighter here, louder almost, and more alive. It was another ocean.

A large body in a flowing dress swished in front me she bent down to the table where a burning bundle of a sweet-smelling plant lay in an ash tray. She picked it up, blew a little on the embers and waved it around me.

"Sage for purification. Smudging frees up the positive energy and clears out the bad. I always cleanse a new space." She frowned a little as she moved the bundle from the right to left across my chest. "You're Isabella? Zafrina Romance, welcome to the herd."

She continued moving the sage around me with a hint of concern in her eyes before dropping it back onto the ash tray on the table. It was by far the strangest greeting I'd ever received.

"Bella. And thank you. But why were you doing it to me?"

"Sage can purify an aura of a body as well as a dwelling. I just cleared out some of that gunk honey, that's all. Tell me how you feel." She leaned back on the couch, propping her bare feet up on the table. She had rings on her toes and a tattoo near her instep.

Tell her how I felt… Well, slightly creeped-out for one, but oddly enough, a little lighter. Like she cured a headache I didn't know I had. "Relaxed, I feel relaxed."

Zafrina scratched at her knee and smiled. "Exactly," she said as though it made sense. "So Bella-Bella. What brings you into the madness?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Her smile widened, showing off large, shiny teeth beneath her full lips. "The madness that is creating words on a page from the voices in your head. How did you find yourself here?"

"By accident."

"In life, there are no accidents."

"I like that." I thought over the meaning in my head. "When I found this online it did feel like I was meant to."

"Of course you were. We're all destined for something more, Bella. It's just that most of us don't bother trying to find out what that is."

"You're an interesting bird, aren't you?" I cocked my head to the left and took in her wrinkle-less face.

She nodded, unfazed by my bluntness, "It's the wisdom of the crone. I spent a lot of years learning what I know now." She examined me again and spoke, "I took you for a maiden but you're a mother, aren't you? This is your season." As she spoke, she touched her tattoo of a circle flanked by two crescents. "Your face is deceiving. So young. I'm sure there are many that would want to skin you and wear it."

And we're back to creeped-out. "Uh..."

She chuckled to herself, "You don't see it, Bella, but it's there. So what do you think of Scarlet Begonia? It's my favorite; I request it every year."

"I love it," I breathed, "You stay in this one every year?"

"I do. We all have our favorites. I always ask for a roommate since the double occupancy rate is so much lower. Funny enough, I get a new one each time. I'd be hurt if I'd liked any of them."

"Oh. Well I guess the bar isn't set very high for me is it?"

She laughed from her belly. "You've already surpassed it by a mile."

* * *

I was showered and changed and holding my breath. I wanted to be snuggled deep within that sea of pillows listening to the ocean while I read a book, but Zafrina put the kibosh on that short-lived fantasy. She insisted that skipping the Welcome Reception was not an option, so there I was, entering a party of small-talking strangers. Cue the soundtrack to my own personal nightmare.

I smiled and nodded as she introduced me, taking notice of the bar in the corner of the room. As soon as I had an opening, I excused myself toward it. I took my free beer and tried to ignore the feeling that I was being stared at. When I turned around, Zafrina wasn't where I left her and I was alone. Sipping my beer, I felt my nose tickle. I inhaled again and closed my eyes just for a moment. It was the scent that accosted me in the lobby. The smell of musk and soap mixed into perfection. When my eyes opened I was looking right at the source, and he was staring at me.

He stood half-way across the room from me and there was no reason I should have been able to smell him from there. I could almost see a wafting tendril of scent stretching from him to me. It beckoned me, called me over, inviting me in.

I looked down at my hands and realized my fingers were pressing into the glass bottle with too much force. If I really thought I could, I might have shattered it in my hand. I looked back to the scent and he was still watching me with steady eyes and an expression I couldn't read. He tipped his beer back, keeping one eye on me, and I saw someone motion in my peripheral vision.

"Bella, come here doll!" Garrett opened his arm to me and waved his hand. He was standing with a large group, including Mr. Can't Keep My Eyes to Myself. "Guys this is my new pup. I found her at the airport all scared and alone. I'm going to keep her, she's housebroken and everything."

The group laughed and I shook waiting hands, forgetting each name as they were given. There was only one name I wanted to know. Even though I wasn't looking at him, I knew he was looking at me. I could feel him. Each look was like having a million tiny fingertips shooting from his eyes and pressing into my skin. They hovered on my cheekbones, slid down my neck, and landed briefly on my chest before going to my lips. He eyes touched my lips so long and hard they ached, like I'd spent a week outside without Chapstick. I slipped my tongue out to wet them and I'll be damned if his gaze didn't cause my right knee to buckle.

And then, I was in front of him, and Garrett was introducing us and I had no choice but to look at him. Big mistake. Big. Huge. From thirty feet away, I knew he was attractive but I wasn't noticing the details. With less than three feet between us, I was subjected to the perfection of his angular face, the silky wave of his dark, golden hair, and the deepness of the green eyes that would not stop touching me. I dropped my eyes from his to find a moment to breathe and smiled at his dark, cuffed Levis and casual, white shirt. He was rocking his own style from the top of his pompadour head to the bottom of his black boots.

Garrett spoke again but I was rendered deaf under _his_ stare. I think the introduction was over and I was meant do something that appeared normal, like shake his hand or say 'hello'. I looked to his hand and the fingers twitched. I knew he was looking at my hand, too, because my fingers were burning. Neither us moved our hands out to each other. We knew better. I'd have to settle for 'hello', hoping I wasn't mute also.

"It's nice to meet you," I stumbled out. I uncrossed my left arm from across my chest and pushed my hand into my hair. He looked down to my name tag and I smiled, realizing he hadn't been listening either.

"The pleasure is mine, Isabella."

I'm pretty sure that's when I became a puddle on the floor. I thought he could burn through my skin with his eyes, but little did I know, his voice could evaporate me.

"You're from Forks?" He said it like he recognized the name and not like he was making conversation. His surprised eyes were on my name tag. I could still feel him through the plastic.

"You've heard of it?"

He laughed. "You could say that. My parents live there."

"Oh shut up. That's a good line. Won't work on me. Do your research, my town only has a few thousand people and if you were from there, I'd know it."

He smirked, "It's not a line. I didn't say I was from there. They live there."

"Okay then. Who are your parents?" I peered at his name tag but it was twisted and the words were turned in and not facing out toward me.

"Carlisle and Esme Cullen." He took another swig of beer as my hand shot out to flip his tag. My fingertips grazed the muscles of his abdomen and he recoiled as though I had tickled him and he choked on his beer.

_Edward Cullen, West Hollywood, CA_ read his tag. He wasn't lying.

"Small freaking world. I know Dr. Cullen. I've made his acquaintance many a time in the hospital ER. I thought he only had two kids. The little pixie and the linebacker."

"My sister and brother, Alice and Emmett."

"Yeah, I met them once at a charity event for the children's center. Seen them around during holidays and stuff. How is it that I've never seen you?" I prayed that didn't sound as obsessive as it did in my head.

"Never had much reason to go," he said, like it explained anything.

His eyes dipped into mine and held me there, lost in this bubble we'd created around us. His words echoed in my head, "_never had much reason to go_," and I heard the word that was left unsaid, '_before'_.

* * *

It was morning and I was in my second class of the week. I had an hour and a half in there, then lunch, and the next hour and a half class. As fascinating as I was finding the lecture, all my thoughts were on him. Edward.

We had, wisely, kept our distance after the most intense meeting I've ever had. He drifted back to Garrett and the gang of hoodlums with whom he was swapping stories. Zafrina found me and tucked me back under her wing, introducing me to authors, organizers, and fellow attendees. She knew everybody and I should have been grateful and interested but I was consumed, my mind elsewhere. Edward.

I'd fallen into my bed, using at least ten pillows around my body so the bed seemed less empty. I tossed and turned all night in my little nest, plagued with the hottest dreams I didn't even know my mind was capable of creating. When I woke, the pillow I'd tucked between my legs was damp and I was mortified. I was flushed and hot and sticky and entirely too giddy when I discovered my shower had a massaging head. It took all of two minutes remembering the eye touch and the way his voice said my name before I was quaking against the wall and whispering his. Edward.

You would think that would have been enough, that I would have worked him from my system, so to speak. But no, every time the door opened at the beginning of my classes, I watched as each person trickled in and found a seat. I wanted it to be him every time but it wasn't. Edward.

I met Zafrina for lunch in the dining room and pretended I wasn't looking around the room for him. The level of my patheticness was inching higher by the minute. I stabbed at my salad and forced myself to listen to my roommate. We were discussing our afternoon classes. You know, when I'd have another chance to possibly see him. Edward.

"Hey, Z? What does this mean?" I pushed my schedule across the table to her and tapped on my next class.

"Finding Your Voice; a workshop dedicated to the art of discovering your unique voice as a writer. I think it's pretty self-explanatory."

"Yes, thank you. I actually am not an idiot. I meant this," I said tapping again where it listed the instructor's name."

"T.B.D., to be determined. Ahh, yes I heard about that. Afton what's-his-name was supposed to do that course. Dropped out last minute. I don't know who took it over. I hope someone good for your sake. It's invaluable to take when you're starting out."

"Hmmm. Yeah, me too. I was looking forward to this one the most. Speaking of, it's time to go."

We gathered our belongings and headed to conference rooms on opposite sides of the building. I slid into a chair in the front, vowing I'd pay more attention this time. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still look for him each time the door opened. When all the seats were full, I swallowed my disappointment and focused on the empty presenter's table in front of me. Not this one, maybe next time. Edward.

My nose knew it before the rest of me did. The door opened and it cried. I swear to the Dalai Lama, it cried. His scent was here and as he strutted into the room, so was his eye touch. His gait slowed as he eyed me in the front row. He cleared his throat and rubbed at the back of his neck. I wondered where he would sit. I'd offer him my lap if it didn't seem a tad presumptuous. Shit, I'd give him my seat and sit on the floor. I was that happy he was in my class. Edward.

He let go of me and looked around the room, clearing his throat again. He stepped toward the front table, and to my confusion, set his bag on top.

"Good afternoon. I am the last-minute replacement speaker for this seminar. You may know me better as E.A. Cullen, author of _Vampires after Midnight, _which is now becoming the Bleeding Hearts series. But you can call me Edward."

* * *

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Edward to eye touch you all night~~**_


	5. Just Like Heaven

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**The usual thanks to the usual suspects. KatieTv for the prereading, the mistake catching and the nagging. SugarTits, you are my life now. I couldn't do this without you girls. And to Buhbeesgirl who provided the picture that insipired Zafrina's overshare. ;)**

**

* * *

**

_You, soft and only_

_You, lost and lonely_

_You, strange as angels_

_Dancing in the deepest oceans_

_Twisting in the water_

_You're just like a dream_

_Just like a dream_

_~~Just Like Heaven, The Cure

* * *

_

_~~BPOV~~_

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is not what I bargained for. At all. I just wanted him in one of my classes. I wanted to spend part of the day just feeling him near me. I wanted an hour or so to trade air molecules with him. Air molecules that were saturated with his scent. I wanted him to sit behind me and stare at the back of my head to see if I could feel his eye touch even on my hair. Because I'd bet the eye touch could penetrate something that didn't even have nerve endings. I wanted an excuse to talk to him in a public place so that the mystery that was Edward Cullen could dissipate, and the thrill of him could go away, and I could stay a happily married woman. I wanted to stop wanting him.

I did not want him to be the presenter. I did not want him to be standing at the front of the class all fuckhot and authoritative. I did not want to listen to his velvet voice lecture for ninety minutes while I tried not to melt into my seat. I did not want him to read and judge my writing samples. And I did not want to witness all the other females hang on his every word and bat their lashes each time his eyes scanned their way. Hot for teacher whores.

Because he was hot. Good God, was he hot. In low-slung black jeans, a black dress shirt rolled at the sleeves and a tight black vest, he was as hot as blue blazes. When he came around to the front of the table and leaned back on it, crossing his bare forearms, I wanted to jump up and rub my cheek in their honey-colored fuzz. _He was black honey_.

Renee went through a holistic medicine phase that led to us consuming a tablespoon of raw black honey daily. She went on and on about the benefits of honey and paid an inordinate sum of money for the liquid gold from freakishly large bees in the Southeast Asian rainforest. She said black honey was good for the soul. Who was I to argue? I would gladly consume a tablespoon of Edward, any day. My mind wandered to exactly how I could go about doing that and I blushed as he glanced at me while waiting for the class to quiet.

Oh my God. I had to stop. This was insane. It wasn't like I'd never seen a hot guy before. I wasn't straight out of the nunnery. I subscribed to People magazine and read Eric Yorkie's celebrity gossip blog. I looked at pictures of cute actors and musicians every day. I should be desensitized to excessive sexiness. Edward cleared his throat to begin and I chided myself. Who the hell was I kidding? I could stare at him every day for a year and still wet my pants every time our eyes met.

"Okay, let's get started shall we?" He paused as folks nodded and settled down. "I only have six hours over the next four days to teach you the most impossible thing to teach in writing. Other lectures get to point out where commas go, why you should avoid adverbs, or how to write queries and proposals. You've probably already been to or are going to go to workshops on plot development or captivating characters or believable dialogue. Hell I even noticed there's one this afternoon on writing hot sex scenes." He rubbed at the back of his hair and looked right at me as the class laughed.

"Are you heading that one too?" a girl cooed from the front row.

Edward chuckled and continued. "No, sorry. Getting back to my point. This week is about you learning how to write or how to write better. And none of it, none of it, matters if you haven't found your voice as a writer."

"So why is it so hard to teach?" said a serious man in the front row.

"Because I can't just tell you, 'do this and you'll have a developed authorial voice'. I can definitely tell you some things not to do, and I will, but there is no secret formula to this. And you will not leave this workshop with a definitive voice. It is something you will continue to develop as you write and something that will mature as you do."

"If you having nothing to teach us, what are we doing here?" The serious man in the front row was becoming the annoyed man in the front row.

Edward didn't flinch at criticism. "I don't plan on teaching you. I plan on you teaching yourselves. You are the only ones in this room that know your natural voice. You are probably writing in it some of the time. For example, in your manuscripts are there sentences or passages that you like more than others? You know, the ones that make you smile or give you pause when you read them. The ones that make you think, 'damn I'm good'."

He waited while everyone laughed and nodded in agreement. Damn, _he_ was good. I was hanging onto his every word, not even thinking about him naked. Well, not much as I thought I'd be.

"And those places where you cringe, you know the ones, where you spend hours obsessing over one sentence that just doesn't fit. Those are the places where you've lost your voice or where you're forcing it. So," he drawled, exaggerating the word while he ran his hands down his vest and into the small pockets in the front. "What we are going to do is this. Today, I'm going to go through some of the biggest mistakes writers makes when cultivating their voice. I have examples to read from and we're going to discuss how voice and style differ. Because I'm guessing many of you think they're the same thing. And you're getting homework. I want you to go through the samples you've brought and highlight the passages where you think your voice sings. And underline the sections you dislike the most. There are twelve of you, so we'll go through four a day for the rest of the week. You will be reading them aloud and we'll all work with you to fix the flat passages in your voice. Any questions before we go on?"

Nope, no questions. Just an unbelievable abyss of dread at the thought of him reading and critiquing my words. I think I'd rather strip naked and let him laugh at my stretch marks.

* * *

"Bella? Are you ready yet?" Zafrina entered my room and called for me.

"In here, just finishing blow drying my hair." I yelled out to her over the gale force winds in my ear.

I had showered before dinner and after my last class. The residue of Edward's eye touch was all over me and I'd never make it through the night if I didn't wash it off. He'd avoided looking directly at me for most of the class. It helped that he had eleven other eager beavers to attend to. He was a fantastic lecturer. He was engaging and knowledgeable all at the same time. My only complaint was that the time passed too quickly.

I flipped my head over for one last hot body blast at the roots and then righted myself again. Zafrina had come into the stuffy room and perched herself on the edge of the bathtub. She was staring at the hair dryer in my hand as she took a long draw from the joint between her fingers.

"I knew a man once. His penis looked just like that." She exhaled a cloud of smoke with her words.

I didn't want to know. But she'd keep talking anyway. "What?" I said.

"The hotel hair dryer. He was from Africa, uncircumcised. He had a squat, wide penis that curved to the right. The way you're holding that, in this light, for a moment I dreamed of Africa." She leaned her face into her hand and stared into the distance with a small smile on her face.

I looked at the hair dryer in my hand and shuddered at the thought. "Thanks for that, Z. I am now going to have to pack my own hair dryer on vacation." I trembled again and gingerly replaced it in the holster. "Is that what finally did it? You were scarred from porking Africa's hotel hair dryer so you gave up all dick for good?"

"No, no, he was long before I came out. College. Peace Corps. Of course I was sleeping with women then, too, just not exclusively." Zafrina had clued me into her lesbian status our first night as roomies after she was sure it wouldn't make me uncomfortable. I didn't care that she was gay but I did find it fascinating that she wrote hetero, bodice-ripping romance novels.

"So do all uncuts look like that?" I glanced at it while leaning forward to apply my lipstick in the mirror.

"You haven't seen one? No, honey they don't. They're not too bad; you don't even notice the turtleneck after a while-"

"Okay! Stop. That's enough. I'll take the lesbian's word for it. I don't think I'm going to be able to look at any penis again without seeing that," I pointed at hair dryer again. "You've ruined it for me."

Zafrina's eyes twinkled as she tapped her fingers along her cheek. "Somehow I doubt that."

* * *

The dining hall was packed as we entered. There were buffet tables along the far walls and clusters of round tables filling the room. It was going to be damn near impossible to find seats together.

"Bella, hey Pup-Pup. You looking for a place to sit? My table has an opening?" Garrett walked over to us carrying a plate piled high.

"Thanks Garrett, but I'm with Zafrina."

"No, no. I get my fill of you as it is. Go sit with your friend, I see some folks I know over there." She pointed at a seat four or five tables away and walked to them, waving us a goodbye.

"Come on. I'll show you where we are and you can go back for a plate." I followed him as he wove through the tables toward one in the back by the wall of windows. He pointed out a chair for me when we arrived. "Guys, this is Bella. You know Benito, and you met Peter, Randall, and Mary last night."

I nodded hello to the semi-familiar faces and accepted Benito's kiss on both my cheeks.

"And this is Jane and Alec. They're co-leading a workshop on penning memoirs. Next to Alec is Tanya."

Tanya, the strawberry blond from Edward's class that asked him if he was doing the sex scene seminar. Fun.

"And lastly, you remember Edward?"

Wait, what? Edward wasn't there. I didn't see him. I didn't smell him. There was another empty chair next to Tanya. Shit. He was here. Just as I scanned for him, I realized he was approaching with a half-filled plate of salad greens. He smiled at me and set the plate in front of Tanya.

"Oh, thank you," she purred, "you are such a doll." She reached over and patted his hand. Puke.

"Bella, do you want me to take you back to the buffet?" Garrett asked as he set his plate down.

"No, eat while it's hot. I'm fine. I'll be right back."

"I'll head that way with you, I haven't gotten my own plate yet." Edward said coming around the table.

"Okay," I said, lacking a wittier reply. We walked through the tables towards the food.

"So the salad bar is up here at the front."

"I'm good; I had my fill of rabbit food at lunch."

He smirked and pointed. "I think there is grilled chicken with wild rice here." I shook my head at the blob of white sitting on clumpy grains. "Okay, um Gardenburgers and sweet potato fries?" I gagged and he laughed.

"God, no. Like I said, I did veggies at lunch. But even if I hadn't, I couldn't eat them after someone called them a 'gardenburger.' What is that? Ugh."

"Well all that's left is the steak option with a twice baked potato."

"Bingo. Winner, winner, steak dinner!"

Edward just smiled in response and dropped his hand to the small of my back to steer me towards the chosen entrée. As his fingers pressed lightly through my sundress, I expected them to leave marks like a forgotten iron. He raised the peace sign to the server but didn't drop his hand from me until he reached out to take both plates.

"It's nice to see a girl with a healthy appetite."

I snorted. "Everybody has to eat. Even Tanya. She'll pick at that salad now and then stuff her face with a bag of Lay's later when nobody is watching."

Edward stopped walking and I thought for a moment I'd offended him until he threw back his head and laughed. "I was so annoyed that was all she asked for! I mean, come on, that cannot be all she wants to eat. I only offered to get her plate after she fell outside. Twisted her ankle or some shit."

"She fell?" _Don't look amused, Bella. Don't look amused. Feign disinterest._

He didn't look like he was buying it. "Yeah, she slipped on a sand patch near the edge of the parking lot. Serves her right for wearing five inch heels at the beach." He glanced down quickly, realizing he might be making fun of me _to_ me, but smiled in relief when he saw my low sandals.

We arrived at the table and he set down my plate and pulled out my chair, to Tanya's narrowing eyes. She moved a baby carrot around her plate and grinned at him as he sat next to her.

"You go girl!" She winked at me. "Look at you, plate full of fat and cholesterol. I could never eat that much in one sitting. I have a really tiny stomach and super fast metabolism. I have to eat lots of small meals throughout the day. It's what keeps me so naturally thin. But that," she pointed her empty fork at my dinner, "would stick to my ass."

I cut off a large hunk of dripping meat and brought it to my mouth. I chewed slowly without breaking eye contact. Then, I wiped my mouth and said, "I'm pretty sure there are pills for that, to clean you out. It must suck to be so full of shit."

She glared at me as the table hooted with laughter and I shoveled a scoop of potato in my hungry mouth.

"Excuse me; I'm going to the ladies'." She pushed off the table and wobbled away on her wonky ankle and ridiculously high shoes.

Edward caught my eye and leaned across the table to clink my water glass with his beer bottle. Amusing him was even better than pissing off Tanya.

When dinner was over, I excused myself from the table despite Garret and Benito's pleas that I join them and everyone else for Disco Scrabble, whatever that was. I needed to try calling home. The resort had terrible cell phone reception and the lobby was one of the only places not in a dead zone. I'd left a message when I'd arrived but I really wanted to talk to my babies.

I wandered the lobby holding my phone out like a beacon. No matter where I stepped, the signal was still flat. I walked up to the desk and asked if there was a phone I could use. She pointed me down the hallway to a little alcove with a payphone and a chair.

Renee answered on the first ring despite the cacophony of noise in the background. "Black's House of Pain, how can I hurt you today?"

"Mom! You are not seriously answering my phone like that are you?"

"It's the Prodigal Daughter. How you doing Bells?"

"I'm good Mom, great. How are you, how are the girls?"

"We're great. They are so much fun. But oh my God, I forgot how hard this is. No wonder you've been dying for a break. How is the conference?"

"Amazing. I love it here. I just ate a meal without having to cut anybody's food. And I can pee alone. I took for granted how much I missed urinating in peace. My workshops are amazing. It's just like heaven."

Renee laughed. "So I had it wrong, you're calling to let me know you _aren't_ coming back?"

"Of course not. I miss them! Will Sarah talk to me?"

"Just a sec, I'll try and sit on her to hold her still. Sarah, it's Mommy. Say hi to Mommy." There was a fair amount of rustling that had me wonder if Renee really did sit on her.

"Mommy? Hi, Mommy!"

"Hey baby! How are you?"

"I'm very busy with Grandma and there was a bird, a big one, Mommy. And Grandma said we couldn't pull his feathers. Sissy was bad and it was a bubble. Oh Mommy, I ate a grape juice. I liked it. Okay, love you, bye bye."

My eyes teared up as I laughed. I didn't understand a word of it, but she sounded happy and fine. She could survive without me for a few days.

"Hello? You still there? I thought she hung up on you."

"I'm here, Mom. Is Jake there?"

"Um, no. Not right now. He said he was going to be late tonight. You could call his cell."

"Oh that's okay, just tell him I called. I don't have long. I'm on a payphone in the lobby. Cell reception sucks here. I called to talk to the girls and to let you know that if you need me call the hotel and leave a message at the front desk."

"Okay. We won't need you though. We're fine, having a great time. You enjoy yourself and don't worry about a thing here. Just go and be Bella."

I smiled into the phone. "Thanks. I will. Kiss them for me?"

I blinked back a few tears as we said goodbye and took a deep breath before I turned around. Coming face to face with Edward leaning against the wall, I yelped and my hand flew to my mouth.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. You were so involved in your call you didn't hear me coming and I didn't want to interrupt." He avoided looking directly at me.

"Not your fault. I startle easily. I just didn't expect anyone to be there."

"Everything all right at home?"

"Yeah. They're fine without me. What are you doing?"

His eyebrow rose as he lifted a hand filled with change. He was looking at his shoes. "Waiting for the phone."

"Oh right. Well I'm going, have homework to do."

Finally, he brought his eyes to mine. "I look forward to seeing your work, Isabella."

He held my gaze longer than necessary and I felt myself begin to dissolve.

I shook my head. "No, not Isabella. Here, I'm just Bella."

* * *

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to force feed Tanya a steak dinner~~**_


	6. Crush

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Muchas gracias to the loves of my life, KatieTv and Madame SugarTits. Thank you for your help and for your promoting. Please, please please go read their new fic F.I.T.F you'll laugh yourself silly and drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what it stands for. ****Thank you also to everyone who retweets my chapter announcements, recs this fic, leaves me love, adds me to alerts/favorites, I love you all. **

**Ok and I was told to mention to y'all what Red Vines are (they play a prominent role in this chappy). Red Vines are like Twizzlers but wayyyy better. You can buy them in a big plastic bucket at Costco/Sam's Club and the like. Check out my profile for a link to photo.**

**If you're not 18 it's time for you to stop reading. This is none of your concern.**

* * *

_It's just a little crush (crush)_

_Not like I faint every time we touch_

_It's just some little thing (crush)_

_Not like every thing I do _

_Depends on you_

_~~Crush, Jennifer Paige_

* * *

_~~BPOV~~_

_Miss you_

I blinked and rubbed my eyes. It was two a.m. and I was woken up by a chirp that indicated I had a new text message. I don't know if I was more surprised by the fact that I had one bar of reception or by the message.

It just wasn't his way. He wasn't the sentimental type. I wondered what could have him missing me enough in the middle of the night to pull out his cell and text me. Was he finding the bed too big without someone in it like I was? I read the words again and felt myself flush with love. My fingers shot across the keys.

_Miss you too_

I missed the sound of his voice, his fast and easy smile. I missed warming my toes in the crook of his legs while we slept. I missed the familiarity of simply being with him. He was my favorite pair of old worn in jeans. As much fun as I was having on this trip, as much as I was enjoying being alone and being just Bella, I still missed my favorite jeans. And no silly little crush on Edward Cullen was going to replace that.

Because that's what this was. I'd stayed up, unable to sleep, thinking about it. The rush of adrenaline I felt every time he was near was unnerving me. I was determined to sort out what I was feeling before I could let myself fall asleep and dream of his fingers touching me instead of his eyes.

Edward was just a delicious piece of eye candy. Inspiration for some hot fantasy that my rut of a sex life needed. I was just adding him into the mix of brooding Ryan Gosling as Noah Calhoun, Ramones playing Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano, and the adorably cute gas station attendant that worked the Shell in Forks last summer. He was no different. A harmless crush, reminding me of how sexy the unknown could be. I would go home to my loving husband, full of pent up desire and sexual tension. And from the sound of that text, absence was making his heart grow fonder.

For the first time in a long time, I dreamed of my Jake's hands on my body.

* * *

"Hurry up, I want to get seats together tonight." I pounded on Zafrina's door. "Z? Come on!"

"Jesus, Bella. Calm the fuck down. What has gotten into you?" Zafrina opened the door sliding on her sandal.

What had gotten into me? Edward's sour puss mood and asshole personality, that's what.

"Nothing. I don't want to eat alone."

She said nothing as she closed the door behind her and picked up her purse. We made our way to dinner without a word and I was relieved when we easily found two seats together. I should have felt honored to be sitting with Aro Volturi, master of historical fiction, but I couldn't force myself to listen to him. I just kept going back to earlier.

It started at lunch. Zafrina was attending a lunchtime workshop about self-marketing so I was left on my own. I picked up a sandwich and salad from the buffet and made my way to a table where Edward sat reading. I'd brought my own book in case I dined alone but his company was far better. I sat down and said hello and he glanced up, gave a grim smile and returned to his book.

And that was it. He read the entire lunch hour not looking at me or speaking to me. At all. I opened my book to act as if I didn't care but I was steaming with embarrassment. If it wouldn't have made it worse, I would have gotten up and gone to another table.

I talked myself into believing that he was really into what he was reading and that it had nothing to do with me. But for some reason, I knew it did. For one, he was wearing a hat pulled down low over his eyes. He was also wearing cologne. It still smelled good but it didn't smell like him. He had created a wall around himself and he didn't want me to come through.

It was worse in his class. He'd arranged the chairs and tables in a circle so that we all faced each other during the readings. You would have thought I wasn't even in the room. He called four names to share today and I wasn't among them. No big deal, neither were seven other people. But he called on all of them to ask for their contribution. He never said my name. He never looked my way. The one time I did speak, he openly and rudely disagreed with my opinion. So much so, that Tanya smirked in victory and the serious/annoyed guy shot me a look of pity. That clammed my ass right up. Nothing would make me share my thoughts again, not even the huge tub of Red Vines Licorice Ropes he'd brought in to bribe feedback out of us. And I loved Red Vines.

By the time class was over I was pissed he'd gotten under my skin. Who the hell was he to make me feel so insignificant? I flew out of the room the moment we were excused. When I tripped on the leg of the desk and went flying, purse contents splattering everywhere, he made no move to help me. Still, as I sat in the dining room now, three tables away from him, I could hear his laugh over everybody else.

I glanced over my shoulder, just for a moment, almost subconsciously. He was laughing at a raucous story being told by Benito and Garrett. Stretched out in his chair with one arm thrown around the back of Tanya's, he drummed his fingers on the table as he listened. Our eyes met, his smile dropped, and he glared at me. I swear to L. Ron Hubbard, he glared at me. I snapped my head back around.

About three things I was certain. First, Edward was an ass. Second, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how dominant that part might be, that actively disliked me. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably over my crush on him.

* * *

"I don't get it. The camera is a metaphor?" Tanya whined as a flustered middle aged woman finished reading her sample writing.

"I get it, I get it. It's like on another level. The camera is above her. It transcends," said by the resident stoner hippie. There's always one.

"What? No. Um..." The author looked to Edward for help and he shook his head in defeat. This particular sample was difficult. I think I knew what the author was trying to get across but either she picked the wrong piece from the manuscript to share or she always wrote to big for her pencil. Her meaning was getting lost in her desire to show a unique style.

"The problem is I think," I was speaking before I realized it, "that the camera metaphor is being drowned and it's the best part. It should float." I snapped my mouth shut and glanced at Edward.

I had gotten to class late today and was stuck with the desk right beside him. It was the least favorite amongst my classmates because you stared at his back. He was standing in front of his table, leaning on it, rather than sitting behind it like the rest of us. He did this so he could walk to each table offering a Red Vine from the tub when we commented.

"Go on," he said without looking at me.

"It's a good metaphor. Your narrator, she is the camera. It's old and slow. It uses film and is seen as obsolete. It's forgotten on a shelf, sold for three dollars at the Goodwill. But your protagonist sees the beauty in the antiquity and recognizes the forgotten potential. She captures an image unlike the crisp vibrant ones of her digital competitors. And when she wins that photojournalism award it's a victory for her and the camera. They both have a lot of life left in them."

"Yes, thank you! That's what I want it to say." The writer beamed at me.

Edward cleared his throat and reached behind him for the tub of sticky red goodness. He shifted his weight so his body was facing mine. And he looked at me.

_He finally looked at me. _

"That was a very perceptive critique Ms. Swan. You were able to look beyond the flaws of the writing to see to the heart of what the author was trying to convey." He said holding the tub at his waist. "I think that warrants a reward. Don't you class?"

There was awkward clapping as I glanced up to him. He made no movements towards me, with his body or the tub. He just sat, holding it at his groin and jutting it towards me. I stuck my hand out but the candy was just beyond my reach. He raised an eyebrow but didn't move closer.

I pushed off my chair and balanced a hand on the desk to lean across and pull one long rope from the center of his lap. He held my gaze the entire time and when I sat back down I felt like I'd freed something more than candy from that area.

"I think we're done for the day. Good work. The last four will go tomorrow, you know who you are, come prepared. He continued to hold the bucket in front of him as we all filed out the door.

* * *

"And where do you think you're going?" Zafrina looked up from her open laptop and piles of notes.

"The beach. It's gorgeous out there. Over seventy degrees, in March. I'm taking full advantage of the Vitamin D. Come with?"

"I wish. I've got a deadline. My editor sent me a ton of stuff she said needs reworking. I'll be sitting right here through dinner and breakfast at least."

"Sucky. Well it's only a little bit before the sun goes down but I'm thinking I'll skip dinner and watch the sunset."

"Sure, sure. Keep yourself busy I could use the peace." Zafrina waved at me over the top of her head which had already sank behind the screen.

I gathered up my Ipod, my notebook, the sample for Edward's class tomorrow, and a worn blue quilt I found in the closet. It was so out of place in the scarlet cabin I wondered where it had come from.

It was a short distance down the road in front of the cabins, past the main house, and through the flower covered dunes to the beach. There was a breeze by the water so I laid out the quilt at the base of one of the dunes a few paces over from the footpath. There was a slight incline to the bed I made and I could lean back comfortably and watch the cerulean ocean melt into the sky.

I was mulling over a story idea. I wasn't sure I wanted to commit to it yet but rather I wanted to think on it. Let the story live in my head awhile before I jotted any notes on a page.

I pulled my cotton dress a little higher on my knees and my straw hat a little lower on my face. This was the most sun I'd seen in ages and I planned on enjoying it. So I did nothing that I meant to do. I didn't work on my selection for tomorrow, I didn't make notes on the new ideas swirling in my head, I didn't think about the random turn of events with Edward. I just basked in the heat of the sun and the blue of the sky and listened to my characters talk to me.

The temperature dropped as night crept in. I pulled the quilt around me to watch the world glow purple and orange. The nightly bagpipes played in the distance ushering me from sunset to dusk and I was lulled to sleep in twilight dreaming of him.

_We were in a forest damp and green. He leaned against a tree and called to me. _

"_Bella, it's yours for the taking. I'm not going to give it to you, you have to take it." He slid a Red Vine between his lips and slowly began to eat it._

_I watched it shorten into his mouth and just before the last piece disappeared, I pushed him against the tree and took it from his lips._

"_What took you so long?"_

"_I had to know how bad I wanted it."_

_He pushed me down to the mossy covered forest floor and hovered over me. "Do you know now? How much you want me? His mouth dropped to mine and a wolf howled miles away._

I woke with a start the wolf howl giving way to last piercing note of the pipes signaling the end of day and beginning of night. The dream was still fresh in my mind, his scent in my nose, his touch touch on my skin, and my desire still swollen with want.

I shook the blanket from me though it was still tangled around my legs. The beach was empty and dark except the faint glow of the main house behind me.

I laid back down trying to catch my breath and calm my shaking legs. I tried to think of anything but him. My entire blood supply throbbed between my thighs and I suddenly understood blue balls all too well. Because I was suffering from a wicked case of blue vulva.

When nothing else worked, I succumbed and slid my hand beneath my dress and under the soaked panties. I groaned the minute flesh touched flesh and nearly came as I pushed softly into my clit. There was no need to savor or to take my time. I just needed to cum fast enough so that I could trust my legs to carry me back to my room where I could fuck myself, imagining him, all night if I wanted.

My fingers moved lower and my own wetness turned me on. I thought of Edward holding the candy today; forcing me to thrust my hand into his crotch for my reward and I moaned again.

"Fuckkkk," I whispered into the dark. "Fuck you, Edward. Fuck you and your fucking candy. Fuck you for making me want you to fuck me."

I came hard and the crush lived on.

* * *

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to suck a Red Vine from Edward's mouth~~**_

**FYI: Stay tuned, buhbeesgirl (author of True Love Way) and I are collaborating on a fic together. I promise you it's going to be brilliant! **


	7. Let Me Down Easy

___**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Could y'all do me a favor? Please review. I know, I know. No one likes a beggar. But my story traffic on FFN is busticated and it has recorded NO traffic since over a week ago (and since I got all y'alls lovely reviews and alerts I know that ain't true). So I'm having heart palpitations because I have no idea how many of you nice folks are checking this story out. So let me know, k? I'll love you bunches.**

**Grazie, KatieTV and SugarTits. I appreciate the love and I loves y'all back. (I'm just filled with love tonight, this chapter must be under my skin ;) )**

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* * *

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_At first you smile, then turn away_

_I've been thinking of what I should say_

_All last night I stayed up dreaming_

_I'm still dreaming_

_~~Let Me Down Easy, Chris Isaak

* * *

_

_~~BPOV~~_

If avoiding Edward were an option I would have taken it. Somehow, even among a hundred other people, it was he I kept finding. He was everywhere; in front of me in the line for breakfast, coming out of the restrooms as I was going in, crossing me in the hallways, sitting on the bench outside I headed to at lunch. We didn't speak, we barely looked, but I was content in the awareness that at least the hostility was gone.

In it's place was a powerful force field separating us from ever getting too close. In line, I waited to step forward until he did, keeping a minimum distance. When I opened the doors to the restrooms, he moved back creating the space. We pressed our shoulders against the walls of the hallway as though we each weighed five hundred pounds and were barely squeezing by. Outside I found another bench to sit on. And when I walked into class, I chose a seat on the other side of the room.

I pretended not to notice his loose dark jeans that accentuated his lack of derriere presumably being held up by the silver chain wallet and grommet ridden belt. The tight black t-shirt did not stretch over a lean muscled torso and sculpted biceps. I didn't see them flex as he crossed his arms over his chest, perched against the desk listening to our stories. There were no tattoos peeking from his sleeves. His long crafted sideburns did not point my eyes to his mouth.

When it was my turn to stand and read aloud the words I'd written I made myself an infinite amount of promises if I could make it through without stumbling, throwing up, or falling down. I refused to glance from the paper but I knew he was taking a risk and looking at me. I was thankful that he, at least, kept his eyes on my face. I took a deep breath reading the last words and waited before looking up.

His eyes were on the floor but everyone elses' were on me. A few even had tears and others looked stunned. I fidgeted, unnerved by the silence, and bit my lip. No one spoke for what seemed like at least a minute.

"That was amazing," gushed yesterday's camera metaphor.

"It was. I'm sorry, your words, they haunt. I have not much else to say." A quiet man who spoke broken English but wrote beautiful prose, clasped his hands and tipped them towards me as he talked.

My cheeks began to apple as I flushed and smiled. The praise kept coming and my feet lifted off the floor. Edward said nothing but he watched me as my peers gave their reviews. When they were finished I sat back in my seat wishing I could record this moment to remember it forever.

My reading was the last so there was nothing left for him to do but leave us with parting words of wisdom. Though he was stern in is his constructive criticism all week, he was encouraging and uplifting now. As we gathered our belongings to leave his tutelage for the last time, I think we all felt like we'd found our voice.

I didn't mean to be the last one out of the classroom but so many people came up to talk to me, I couldn't help it. Then it was just me and him. He organized his materials into his bag and I made my way to the door. I turned to him just as he lifted an arm to rub his neck. I needed to know what he thought.

"Edward?" I spoke his name to him for the first time.

He responded with a raised eyebrow and not a word.

I licked my lips. "Did you...you didn't say...what did you think of my piece?"

He dropped his arm from his neck and titled his head forward slightly. He laid his hand on his heart and pressed into his shirt, closing his eyes.

I left before he opened them.

* * *

"Bella? Where you been? I haven't seen you for days, mija." Benito called across the lobby to me.

It was the end of the day on Friday and the entire resort had taken on a last day of school before summer vacation feel. Even though there were seminars all day tomorrow and Sunday morning, concluding with the keynote address at lunch, our work had been done. We'd shared our writing, letting it be picked over and examined, brushed off and polished new, and now we could relax and and take in the speakers.

"Hey Benny. I've been around. What about you?"

"Oh it's all good. No complaints. Will I see you tonight?"

"No, no. Not doing the costume party. Sorry."

"What? Oh you have to. It's the best."

"I didn't come prepared. Maybe next time?" When I'd first read about the costume party back home in Forks I was adamant that I would not go despite Renee's pleadings. Now that I was here, and had made friends, I was bummed I didn't have an outfit. And it wasn't like I could whip one up from the curtains to suit the theme.

"But Bellaaaa, everyone goes. You will be the only person not there. Come on-"

I put my hand up to stop him. "Save it. Zafrina's already given me hell. I get it, I've committed the ultimate conference faux pas. But there is no way I'm going without a costume or a half-ass one. Besides I have big plans for tonight and I quite like my own company."

He kissed me on the cheek and we discussed meeting tomorrow afternoon to go to the aquarium together. I headed into the cocktail and appetizer hour to pilfer snacks to take back to the cabin.

Zafrina was in the process of getting decked out as her favorite 19th century British literary character and the masterpiece that was her costume reaffirmed I would not be going last minute. I watched in awe, as she repositioned the girls in her corseted dress before stroking her long dark curls.

"Forgive me for asking Z, but who are you?"

"Oh my sweet lamb," she said with a flick of her tongue against extra pointy eye teeth. "I am Le Fanu's Carmilla. The original sapphic vampire."

"Okay then. You go rock on with your bad self."

"I plan on it." She licked her teeth again.

"Is this going to be like college? I sit on the porch if I come home to a sock on the door?"

"Of course not. And where are you going anyways?"

I smiled, delighted in my secret plan. "I've had my eye on the hot tub all week. And every time I've passed by it looks like a seventies key party. Tonight I'm counting on it being empty."

Zafrina laughed. "For sure. Nobody misses this party." She gave me the eye.

"Alright, I get it, I won't ever make the mistake again."

"You know, I do have another costume you could use, oh wait, nope it's early 20th century lit...sorry little lady." She winked at me as she slid out the door. I had no idea what she was talking about but it seemed like she had an inside joke, with herself.

I spent the next hour eating my stolen snacks and reading. I marveled at the peacefulness of the cabin. None of the rooms had televisions or telephones. It was the perfect place for creative seclusion. I'd spent nearly a week without Nick, Jr. as the soundtrack to my life and I really couldn't imagine going back to it.

Darkness fell and I scoured my suitcase for the swimsuit I saw Renee throw in. When I found it, I cursed my mother and thanked my lucky clovers that I'd be alone. She'd packed the string bikini I used to fake tan before a Christmas we spent in Florida years ago. I didn't have the gull to lay in the glowing bed naked so this was the next best thing. It was minuscule.

I shimmied into the fabric triangles, covered myself with yoga pants and a long sleeved shirt, and grabbed a towel. The night was cool with a dampness in the air; both of which made me eager for the hot steam of the jacuzzi. I walked towards the pool area with my flip flops slapping on the road in the silence. It was deserted except for the brightly lit party giving off faint sounds of conversation and music.

The pool area was adjacent to the main house but secluded in the fact that it was surrounded by the forest, open only on one side to the deserted beach. I unlatched the gate and slipped inside. The pool was glowing, it's water undisturbed, but the hot tub was bubbling and a huge cloud of steam surrounded it. I walked over to a chair nearby, tossed my towel on top, and yanked off my shirt. I bent over to pull down my pants when someone cleared their throat. I wasn't alone.

"JESUS! Holy shit, you scared me." I wheeled around to glare at the intruder and had to peer through the steam to see a body in the water. "I thought I was alone."

"So did I," said the familiar voice.

The steam parted in the breeze and there he was, half naked, wet, and staring at me.

"Edward?"

"Bella," he said, taking a long drag of his cigarette.

"I'm sorry to interrupt. I can go." I reached for my pants.

"Get in, Bella. It's big enough for the both of us." He tilted his head way back and downed the rest of his beer. There were five more in a six-pack on the ground beside his head.

I walked around to the stairs and held the railing as I stepped into the water. Standing in the center the water touched my belly button and when I sank to the seat, it swallowed me up to my neck.

"Why aren't you at the party?" he asked opening another beer and handing it to me.

"Thanks," I said taking the offered Heineken. "Um. I didn't come prepared. Didn't think I'd be in to it so I didn't bring a costume or anything. You?"

"Not my scene." He dropped the cigarette butt in the empty beer. "And why'd you come here?"

"To the hot tub? I wanted to all week but it was always packed. I prefer to be alone," I said and he cocked an eyebrow at me. "Oh! I didn't mean it like that. I don't mind that you're here. You're better than like, Aro or Marcus acting like this is an ancient Roman bath house."

His lip turned up as he brought the bottle to his mouth. "I could see how you'd cause quite the stir."

Hold the phone. Was he flirting with me? I looked across the water and he winked. Definitely flirting. What in the hell?

"That's quite a suit."

Oh god. Fucking Renee. I blushed. "Yeah, this would not have been my choice. I made the mistake of procrastinating and allowing my mother to help me pack. This was her doing."

"It's a good color on you."

The temperature rose about a thousand degrees. I chugged at the beer to erase my cotton mouth. "Thanks. It's my favorite."

"So what are you doing tomorrow, Bella? Is your schedule full of seminars?"

Where was he going with this? "No, not really. I'm going to one in the morning during breakfast and then I'm free. You?"

"I'm leading one after lunch. The Resurgence of Vampiric Literature. I'm an expert." He opened his eyes wide and rolled them.

"Oh right, your book. Vampire after Midnight? And you have another one coming out?"

"This month." He sighed. "I never anticipated it being a series. When I got my book deal it was for three books but no one mentioned a series. It wasn't until the editors went ape shit bananas over the story that everyone got excited. My epilogue was cut and I was told to turn it into number two. And here we are."

"That couldn't have been easy. But your first, spent what, a million months as a New York Times best seller? It's no wonder they're dying for another."

"I know, I know. I feel like such a tool complaining. I'll shut up now." He frowned at his beer.

"Sorry. I'm not trying to say you can't vent. Vent away."

He gave me a sad smile. "I just never expected it to become this, thing, you know? When I do interviews now they don't want to talk about my work all they ask about is the vampire obsession. Even this conference, they had me signed up for the seminar tomorrow since the beginning but they didn't bother to ask me to teach until someone backed out. I'm just the vampire guy to them. When I wrote it I had no idea vampires where the 'it' commodity of the moment. I wasn't trying to be trendy."

"Why did you write it, where did you come up with it?"

Edward laughed and stretched his arms over his head. "I liked Masen. He interested me. I wanted to know what made him tick. I wanted to understand his world. So I started writing his story."

"Masen? He's the vampire?"

"You haven't read it?" he said with surprise.

"Cocky much? Not everyone has," I said, teasing him.

"No! I'm not that much of a prick. I wasn't surprised you haven't read it. I was surprised you were honest. Most people I meet lie and gush even when it's obvious they haven't."

"I'm not most people. I noticed your seminar is full and there's a waiting list. I'm not in. So thrill me now. Why _are_ vampires so popular?"

"Fuck," he exhaled, "I haven't a clue. I really should be researching that instead of hot tubbing with you."

"You're not serious." I stared agape.

"Half serious. I have no idea why suburban moms want a deviant like Masen to stalk them and bang them silly or why any of the other vampire books are hot now. But I have prepared my lecture. I just don't want to bore you. Mostly, I cover the history of vampires in literature noting the cycles of popularity."

"Yeah, like weren't they big or got their start in the Victorian era? The rule of the prude?" He nodded and I continued. "Right, so, interesting how a repressed society reveled in the sexual undertones of vampires and here we are in a time of in-your-face overt sexuality that not even nearly a decade of Republicans in office could squelch and we're obsessed with vampires again. Maybe what we really want is less blatant sex and more undertones."

"Insightful. But Victorians weren't really prudish. They were just polite. There was some stunning erotica to come out of that period. But again, that's your point. Their sexuality wasn't ostentatious, it was personal, explored with a lover and not with society at large."

Okay. Enough. Who would have thought that discussing ancient literature could turn me on. I'll admit I'm a reading nerd but this was beyond. Change of subject needed, stat.

"Ummm..." I stuttered.

"So your mom, she's at your house? Watching your kid? Kids?" He examined his fingernails.

Bring up my mom and my kids, that'll kill my mental hard on. Nice deflect Cullen. "I have two little girls. And yeah she's helping me out."

"And where is Mr. Swan?" His fingernails must have had naked ladies painted on them.

"Well, Mr. Swan is at his house watching whatever game is on, that is if there's no crime on the mean streets of Forks. My dad," I added when he looked confused.

"Swan is your maiden name?"

"Yes, and how is it that you know so little about Forks? I mean your parents have lived there longer than I have."

"I never lived there. When did you move? From where?"

Our questions were hungry and eager and never quite getting answered by the other. We were rushing to find out as much as we could about each other. I took a breath to slow it down.

"I lived with my mom in Phoenix until my junior year. Her husband played minor league ball and traveled all the time so I went to live with Charlie to finish high school in one place."

"Oh. My parents settled there, finally, the summer before my freshman year. I didn't trust that it would last and convinced them to send us all to boarding school."

"Seriously? I thought boarding school was like, punishment for bad kids. And why didn't you think they'd stay? Because Forks sucks so bad?"

"Noooo. Not punishment. Not at all for me. It was consistency." He slipped another cigarette between his lips and cupped his hand around his mouth to light it.

"You moved a lot?"

He tilted his head back to blow his smoke up rather than at my face. "You could say that. I love my dad but sometimes, I'm not sure about him." He wiggled his hand near his forehead.

"What do you mean?" I swallowed my beer and wished for another. The beer fairy reached across the water and took the empty replacing it with another.

"He's got this complex. Like he thinks people are out to get him. Like they're on to him. I remember asking my mom once if he bombed a draft building during Nam." I laughed as he continued. "We never stayed anywhere long. My mom gave up after while and started homeschooling until we all went off to boarding school."

"Wow, so how long did you live in each place?"

"Hmm, sometimes a few months or a year and change. Never more than that. I wouldn't even call it living anywhere. I did some time in Phoenix."

"You did? When?"

"I was little. I just remember it being hot. Carlisle said it was too sunny so off we went."

"That's just crazy. I mean, you can't do that to kids. And how'd he ever get a job with that kind of resume?"

"He mostly did clinic work. And they were always so grateful for whatever doctor was willing to lower their salary expectation and slum it, they didn't ask a lot of questions."

"Geez. That sort of sucks."

"Yeah. So you see how I don't go to Forks. Just because he finally found somewhere he can stay doesn't mean it feels like home to me."

"Yeah, I get it. But what did you do for holidays? Summer?"

He shrugged and ran his fingers through his hair. "Traveled usually. We spent Christmas in New York, Thanksgiving in Hawaii, summer in Europe."

"Well that explains how we've never met. I thought you were way older than me or something."

"Nope. They do the holidays there now though, I just don't go."

"Why?"

"You ask a lot of questions. When's it my turn?" He grinned at me and my stomach flipped.

"Sorry. Now. You go."

"Tell me about your kids."

"What do you want to know? I'm sure you don't want me to go on and on about how brilliant and beautiful they are. Because I can."

He smiled again. "What are their names?"

"Sarah and Charlotte. Sarah is for Jake's, that's um, her dad, for his mom, she died when he was little."

"Tough break. How old are they?"

"Sarah is three and Charlotte is, let's see now, almost one and a half."

"They're babies," he said handing me another beer. "Do you like being a mother?"

"Thanks," I said to the beer. When had I finished the last one? "Um, you want the truth?"

"Of course."

"I love my children. Love them. Sometimes it shocks me how much. But a lot of the time, I look at my life and think, how did I get here?" I shrugged and rubbed at the sweating label on the glass.

"Yeah," he laughed to himself, "I know what you mean."

"How? You are a published, scratch that, a ridiculously successful author. How could you know what I mean?"

"Uh uh. We're on you now." He wagged his finger at me. "What about your life doesn't feel right?"

Oh no, I was not going into this with the subject of my lust filled dreams. I don't care how many beers he gave me.

"You know, just unsatisfied being a housewife. Grass is always greener, blah blah blah."

"You're married." It wasn't a question but it was the first time either of us directly mentioned my marital status rather than dancing around it.

"Yes. I'm married. Happily married." Oh god. Why did I feel the need to throw that in?

"What's your married name?"

"Are you going to look me up?" I smirked at him and he almost look embarrassed. "Black, I'm usually Isabella Black."

Edwards grimaced and shook his head taking a swig of beer. "No."

"No what?"

"You can't be Isabella Black, that's all wrong. Black is not your color."

"No it isn't. It's my last name."

"How come you're Bella Swan here?"

"It started out as an accident," I half lied, "I put my maiden name on the registration and forgot to fix it. But I sort of like that way."

"Why?"

"Because Isabella Black is a wife and a mother. She does four loads of laundry every day, cooks three meals and chases two hellions. Bella Swan is me. When I'm just Bella I can turn the rest of that off. And be me."

He reached towards the empty six pack carton and frowned before turning back to me.

"It should be your pen name. It's who you are as a writer. Leave Isabella Black at home."

I let his words resonate before I spoke."I'm sorry I drank all your beer."

"You didn't. Want to know a secret?" He licked his lips and leaned across the water. "There's a fridge in the barbeque area over there. I've got it stocked."

He stood in the center of the jacuzzi just as I pushed forward to get up as well. My face fell towards his crotch until he pulled me up and righted me. He squeezed my arm and I felt a jolt of lightening at his touch and his breath on my cheek. We were much too close to each other. The closest we'd been in days, by a mile. My nipples tightened from the cold air and his nearness.

"What are you doing?" he whispered into my hair.

"Going for the beers, it's the least I can do."

He let go of my arm and took a step back. He was wearing long black board shorts that revealed more of his happy trail than I should have seen. There was a long silver chain around his neck and a small metal gun hung between his ribs. And the tattoos. Oh the tattoos.

"It's cold Bella, I'll go."

I put my arm out to push past him. "Please, I'm from Washington. They're over there you said?" I climbed up the stairs sliding a finger down the back edge of my swim bottoms.

"Yeah," his voice cracked like a prepubescent, "under that overhang, there's a grill and prep area."

I hurried across the damp concrete and shook from the cold. It was dark and I didn't see anything that looked like a fridge. I squinted and looked around. Where the hell was it?

I felt him behind me as he reached around to open the cabinet door I was facing. A fridge light sprang on and illuminated shelves of green bottles. He stayed behind me holding the door open and I bent forward to grab another six pack. My ass pressed into his crotch. Neither of us moved.

"I, uh, realized I didn't tell you the fridge had a cabinet front."

"Yeah I was standing in the dark confused as shit." I straightened and he closed the door. I waited for him to step back and then turned.

"Ready?"

"After you." He stepped to the side and ushered me out.

I tried not to wiggle my hips as we walked back to the tub because I knew exactly where his eyes were. I plunged into the water yelping as the heat pricked my skin. I dropped low letting it rise to my ears and then splashed some on my face to warm it. I was glad I'd piled my hair atop my head because a wet head would have sucked so bad right now.

Edward followed me in and then immersed himself in the water. I felt the bubbles of his exhale against my skin and gasped. I was glad he couldn't hear me. He came up, face first, and shook the water from his hair before lowering himself back to the seat. I chose a jet closer to him this time rather than directly across because I was tired of hollering over them. And since we practically dry humped doggy style in the cabana, I thought it was safe to sit the three o'clock to his twelve. My head flashed visions of us dry humping in the hot tub and I pressed my lips and my thighs together. If you dry humped in water was it still _dry_ humping? Oh God. That massaging jet was in entirely the wrong place.

Edward opened two beers and handed one to me. I really shouldn't have taken it given my already apparent lack of inhibition.

"So who's turn was it?"

"My turn again," I said.

"What do you want to know?" He smiled and sipped the beer. It was good we were playing a game of Truth or Dare without the dare because I would have done anything he asked.

"How'd you end up in Hollywood?"

Edward rolled his eyes and lit yet another cigarette. "West Hollywood to be precise. Not my doing. My fiance, we're there for her work."

Fiance? Didn't see that one coming. I straddled relief and disappointment. "Oh, you're engaged."

_That sounded stupidly sad, Bella. Get it together._

"Yeah."

Blank. I had nothing. I couldn't think of a thing to say. "So, when's the wedding?"

"Oh no," he chuckled, "we're not like, actively engaged. No wedding date, no plans yet much to my sister's chagrin." He took a draw from the cigarette and went on. "Alice, she's an event planner and she's itching for us to get on with it."

"So why don't you?" I adopted what I hoped was an interested but detached tone.

"No rush. I'm fine the way it is. And Rose is too for that matter. We'll get married. Someday."

"Hmmm. How'd you and, Rose you said, meet?"

Edward scowled faintly but I caught it. "Known her forever. Old family friend. She hung out with my brother." His voice was strained and I knew there was more to that story. "Do you really want to talk about her? Because I could call her up right now she'd be happy to talk about herself for at least an hour." He joked in a I'm-not-really-serious-okay-I-am way.

"Nah. She's not the one playing hot and cold with me this week so I really don't care." I did not just say that. Oh. My. God.

Anger flashed in his eyes for barely a second and he leaned back resting his head on the edge and looking to the sky. "Yeah. Sorry. I just wasn't sure we should be friends."

I didn't know how to answer so I waited. He lifted his head and held my gaze, drinking from his beer. I cleared my throat.

"Why not?" I asked. I knew my reasons but I wanted to know his.

"You know the answer to that. But I like talking to you. I don't think I can stay away from you anymore."

I sucked in deep as the jets powered on full force pushing us off the bench seat and tangling our legs together.

"Then don't," was all I said as the jets turned off suddenly and we sank back to our seats.

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_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to hot tub with Edward, allll night long.~~**_


	8. Despite What You've Been Told

___**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Mercie beaucoup KatieTv, SugarTits and Buhbeesgirl for the prereading and the laughs, always the laughs. Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter, you helped make that dark hole of unknown story traffic a little brighter.**

**I've added links in my profile to the chapter songs as well as a few goodies, check it out. :) And without further adieu, I give you Edward.**

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_I should climb down off my rugged cross and _

_Lay with you_

_But you know by now it's half past late_

_And I only came here for escape_

_You, you're just my next mistake_

_Like me to you_

_~~Despite What You've Been Told, Two Gallants_

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_~~EPOV~~_

"Damn it!" I yelled, pulling my foot back to kick something, anything. The most convenient, of course, was my back tire but there was no way I was kicking my car. Didn't matter how much she pissed me off.

I pivoted on one leg spying a tree not a foot away. That would do. I geared up for a heel kick bringing my knee into my chest and sunk my foot into the trunk. Pain shot up my shin as the tree shook and rained leaves around me. Great. Now I was pissed off and feeling guilty for making an innocent tree cry. Sorry buddy, you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The phone in my hand buzzed again lighting up with her face and flashing "Rose" across the bridge of her nose. I resisted the urge to chuck it off the cliff I was facing and into the ocean. I pressed the green button and said nothing.

"You hung up on me!" she growled into my ear.

"You deserved it."

"You are a complete ass."

"You are a complete bitch. Let's call it even."

"How? How am I bitch? It's not like I'm asking for a fucking kidney, Edward."

"A kidney I wouldn't say no to. This is not life or death, Rose."

"Right, it's not. So just come home."

"I am not going to keep discussing this. The answer is no."

"But I want you here. You know how important this opening is. This was a huge break for me. And the last thing I need is to show up alone."

"How many times are we going to go through this? We talked about it when I was offered this conference six months ago. It's just like you to have no beef with it until I'm here."

"I told you! I thought it was next weekend. I didn't realize until yesterday that the premier was tomorrow. What's the big fucking deal anyways, you finished your vamp love talk today, I'm asking you to leave one day early. That's all."

"It is a big fucking deal!" my voice rose considerably, "because this time it's about my career Rose, mine, not yours."

"Oh we're back to this again. I'm supposed to sit back and be your arm candy because you finally hit it big."

"No, you are supposed to support me like I've supported you with everything you've done."

"Exactly, and this premier is the culmination of that, you know how long I've been waiting to branch into the movies. This is my dream."

I stuffed a cigarette in my mouth not because I wanted a smoke but because I knew if I didn't I'd say the one thing that could hurt her. That I thought her 'dream' was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. That while I supported her making up a career out of thin air and helped her build up a reputation, I thought being an 'Automobile Stylist' was the fucking most make believe excuse for a job if I ever heard one.

In Hollywood anyone who was anyone had someone shop for them. And while some little girls dreamed of being paid to shop designer stores for the rich and shameless, Rose dreamed not of outfitting their wardrobes but their garages. Sure it was hot that my old lady was a car buff. She started out working in custom car orders and quickly became known as the chick who could get the ungetatable get. That's when she had her brilliant idea. She'd get dumb sorry fucks to pay for her opinion on what they should drive and then take a percentage of the price for finding it. Last summer she landed her first gig outfitting a major movie with several dozen period specific pieces and here we were.

"Edward? Are you even listening?"

"No."

"Edward!"

"Look, this is a big deal for me. I'm not leaving. Yes, I don't have any more presentations but I would look like a self-centered prick if I walked out of here just because I was done. I may have written a best seller but I'm still fucking paying my dues with my peers."

"Fuck them. Your 'peers' don't sign the checks. Come home tonight or don't come home at all." This time it was she who hung up on me.

"FUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!" I yelled and clutched my phone in my hand. My foot twitched again and I looked to my tire and back to the tree. Sorry tree, I'm not kicking my car.

The annoying thing was, it wasn't even Rose who was pissing me of. I didn't even know why I was bothering fighting with her. I should have been glad she was giving me an excuse to let the organizers know I needed to leave. Fact was, I did want to come home early. Blow the rest of this off, slam my foot into the gas, and get home to her so I could fuck Bella off my mind.

Because when it came right down to it, it wasn't Rose causing this turmoil.

It was Bella.

It was Bella who sliced me open and turned my skin inside out leaving me to walk around raw and exposed. She had no right. She wasn't available for the taking and I wasn't available to give.

The first time I saw her, all dodgy and confused in the lobby, I thought she was someone's kid. In her jeans and worn out sneakers she made me feel like a pedophile when my dick twitched as she ran into me. Then she walked into that Welcome Reception in a slip of a dress and heels and I knew she wasn't anyone's kid. I could tell, from thirty feet away I could tell, she didn't want to be there as much as me. She didn't want to shmooze, she didn't want to make friends, she didn't want to pretend that Garret was funny or that Jane and Alec weren't creepy as fuck. So I watched her and even though I knew she could feel me watching her, I didn't stop.

It wasn't even like she was the most interesting chick to look at. On paper, she was actually kind of boring. Brown hair, brown eyes, petite, thin. But in motion she was anything but. She was classically beautiful in a way people aren't anymore. The lines of her face were dreamed by Renaissance artists and the curves of her little frame were sadly hidden behind her loose dress. And up close, she was poetry.

When she came to the group and I saw she was from Forks, I'm not going to lie, my first thought was that she was a stalker. I mean, what were the odds that I'd meet someone from a town of a few thousand people where my parents happened to live? She wouldn't have been the first persistent fruit loop to come my way. Masen brought it out in them. I was purposefully vague in the details about my folks and it wasn't until she mentioned meeting Alice and Emmett at the charity function I blew off, that I relaxed. Anyone with working knowledge of Google or facebook could tell you that my dad was an ER doc or that Alice was a "pixie" and Emmett a "linebacker" but only someone from Forks would know they had been there and I hadn't. And now I was wishing I had.

She hadn't known I'd be the speaker for her class but I had the enrollment sheet, I knew she'd be there. I told myself it was no big deal but when I walked in the next day and saw her in the front row, I called bullshit. I shouldn't have looked at her when I mentioned the sex scene class. I expected her to blush, to look away. I wanted to scare her. I wanted to scream at her "What if I'm the bad guy?" But she didn't blush, she didn't look away. She held my gaze and her eyes invited me to consider the scenes we could write together.

That stupid Tanya piped up. I should be grateful that little hot for teacher whore interrupted when she did otherwise I might have pulled Bella out of her seat and taken her right there with eleven shocked faces watching. I finished the class without paying her too much attention and ended up in my room writing a graphic scene where Masen visits a live sex show in New Orleans and Bella is the star. It was worthless, I knew my editor wouldn't publish it, in fact he'd probably have me committed, but it kept my hands off my dick and on the keyboard where they belonged.

Tanya followed me to dinner and I could have shaken her off if she hadn't ate shit right in front of me. I couldn't just walk away even though I think she did it on purpose. Instead, I helped her inside and got her plate of twenty-five calories. Those five minutes I spent with Bella getting our food did me in. I wasn't just attracted to her body anymore, I liked her. I wanted to know her. I wanted to get inside her mind as well as her legs. She was clever and funny and real. She didn't bullshit, she didn't pretend. And coming from La La Land, she was a needed breath of fresh air.

Nothing could have prepared me for hearing that phone call. I saw the little band on her finger the almost embarrassingly small diamond. I got that she was married and maybe it was the Masen in me but I didn't give a shit. But when I heard her talking to her babies I knew I was one sick motherfucker. _She_ was someone's mother. She wasn't just someone's wife, she was someone's family. That wasn't to be fucked around with.

So I flipped the dick switch from turned on to just plain old being a dick. I knew I hurt her but if I couldn't scare her away maybe I could hurt her away. And I pissed her off good. If there's one thing I know how to do, it's be an ass. Then that stupid camera metaphor, okay it was a fantastic metaphor but still, it ruined everything. She'd been silent in class thanks to me but if she was going to be that brilliant I needed to tone it down a notch and quit scaring away her thoughts. Because her mind was amazing.

But I shouldn't have offered her the Red Vines like they were the forbidden fruit of my over eager loins. I fucked up there. I played a game with her, I dared her to take what I was offering just to see if she would. I knew we were both imagining that there wasn't a plastic tub of four pounds of candy between us. I knew because I caught her on the beach that night moaning my name.

I'd gone for a walk after dinner and found her sleeping in the dunes. I'd noticed she wasn't in the dining room but I didn't think she'd be there. It was dark and she was alone and it didn't feel right to leave her by herself, anything could have happened to her. When I considered the possibilities I became protective. I found a spot above and behind her, out of view from the path. I didn't want someone to come along and find me watching her sleep like some kind of stalker.

She breathed my name in her sleep and I'm not going to lie, especially not to myself, it turned me on. She sat up in a start and I threw myself down in the sand afraid she'd see me. When I hesitantly checked if she was gone, I saw her hand beneath her dress and her eyes rolled back in her head and like a sick fuck I whipped it out and took care of business. I jacked my shit off on the beach watching her cum. I pumped myself in rhythm to the f-bombs that rolled from her perfect lips. This girl had turned me into a sex offender.

I was so fucked. How the hell did I proceed from there? Where was the manual for this shit? I tried to scare her off, I couldn't man up and hurt her anymore, I needed to keep my distance. I needed to take the magnet that was constantly drawing me to her and flip that son of a bitch over to push us apart. So I did. I created a mental electromagnetic field where we subconsciously stayed away and she played along like a champ. But even though we wouldn't allow ourselves to get close to each other that didn't stop us from always knowing where to find the other. I guess that's why I wasn't surprised she showed up at the hot tub like a mirage in a scandalous cobalt blue bikini.

I had already been sitting there deciding that the gods must hate me. Why else would this perfect shiny apple be dangled in front of my face? That's what life was anyways, right? A lesson in resisting temptation? Over and over again? If only I could be Masen rather than his creator and just take what I wanted, giving a rat's ass about anything else. Besides, nobody ever said I was a saint. Come to think of it, they'd probably say I was anything but. However, this was different, this wasn't just about making my own mistakes,I wasn't going to make hers too. I couldn't do that to her, she didn't deserve it. I sat in a boiling pot of self-pity crucifying myself when in walked my apple.

She tuned to go when she saw me and I invited her to stay. I drank her in as she stepped into the water. Her creamy skin, bony hips and tight small tits. At least while she was under the water I could only see her face. The heat had gone to my head because I teased her when I knew I shouldn't then I'm giving her beers and we're having a conversation and enjoying ourselves. Somehow we got on the topic of my novel and my talk tomorrow and she gets all perceptive and deep on me discussing Victorian literature and social norms. And fuck me if it didn't get me going like her mouth was wrapped around my cock and not my brain. Smart has always equaled sexy in my book.

I've never had such a good time just sitting and talking to someone and I realized we could do this. We could be friends. She was easy to talk to and I wanted to open myself up and let her read me. Plus, I had the sneaking suspicion that if I got to know her I could try and see her like a sister or a cousin or someone you aren't supposed to want to fuck and then this little problem could go away.

Never mind that she zeroed in on my dick when we both got up for the beers. Forget that she slid that finger down her ass to adjust her bottoms when she climbed out of the tub. Ignore that I followed her into that cabana not just to show here where the fridge was but because I wanted to lift her onto the counter and wrap her legs around me. Disregard the way she pressed that sweet ass into me and how I didn't move away but instead slightly forward. Overlook my need to reach out and untie the strings of that handkerchief of a bikini and let her show the world to me. I could do that. Right?

So I did, I told her, in not so many words, that despite every instinct telling me to stay away from her, I couldn't anymore. She gave the simplest answer, as though it really was that easy.

But it could be. Tomorrow was the last day. I lived in L.A. she lived in Forks. She didn't got to L.A. I didn't go to Forks. Maybe we'd see each other here again next year, if I was invited back and if she decided to come. That was it. Tomorrow she'd be gone.

Tomorrow she'd be gone.

I shook my head and realized I'd been standing in a parking lot staring at my car for the last thirty minutes. Not that anyone could blame me. She was beautiful, a perfectly restored and rare 1958 Volvo PV544 silver convertible. There wasn't a head I didn't fucking turn in that car. There also was barely a thought I could finish when looking at her. Something she and Bella had in common.

I pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes and set off to do what I came to town to do. I turned to cross the street and headed into the liquor store. I walked the aisles until I found what I wanted and pulled the biggest bottle of Jack off the shelf. Tonight I'd be drinking myself sober.

I got in line behind two women I recognized from the conference carrying several cases of champagne. I pulled my sunglasses on my eyes and ignored them until I heard Bella's cabin name.

"So party at Scarlet Begonia first and then on to the tavern. Zafrina said it'll be pretty desolate since almost everyone goes into town bars on the last night."

"Oh purrrfect," said her friend, "we'll get shnockered on cheap champagne and then hit up hotel bar for some Kay-ray-o-kay."

"Shut the front door! They have karoke? Oh it's on."

"Yeah that's what I heard. And if they don't there's a place on Main that does. Either way, best girl's night out ever!"

I watched them leave and paid for my bottle, two packs of Marlboro Reds, and a handful of Slim Jims. I was classy as fuck.

When I got back to the resort I pulled around to the back of the main house to the employee parking lot. With the weekend seminars there was a lot more traffic and I didn't like my baby sitting out just anywhere. I'd made friends with some of the kitchen staff and they offered me a spot back here. Plus it had an amazing panorama of the ocean. My girl had a room with a view. I stepped out of the car and spied Laurent smoking a joint by the back door.

"Laurent, hey man! How goes it?" I walked over and we clasped hands doing the man hug thing. He was the head chef of the hotel and a crazy ass frenchman. I'd spent a couple nights playing poker with him and the waiters and it turned out we knew some of the same cats in Paris.

"Monsieur Eduard, I have non complaints. Comment ca va?"

"Pas mal, mon ami fou."

He laughed and offered me the joint which I took. "So tell me, they got karaoke up in this joint tonight?"

"Helas, oui"

"Who do I need to talk to so they don't?"

Laurent eyed me and cocked his head. He wasn't offering the goods without the motive.

"Sort of want to drink in peace tonight, you know?"

He smiled and nodded. "The bartender James, is his girlfriend Victoria who runs the singing. You do not want singing, you make it worth his while. He's a reasonable man."

"Merci beaucoup, I owe you one."

Laurent waved his hand at me and then pointed to the car, "You let me drive it, we call all even."

"In your dreams. Nobody drives her but me."

He laughed again and opened the door to the kitchen. "Au revoir, mon ami."

I tucked the bottle of Jack behind the driver's seat and went to have a chat with Bartender James. If Zafrina was leading a pack of cougars on a 'girls night out' I know she'd have roped Bella along with them. She could lead Bella to the tavern where I'd be waiting and the lack of generic sing-a-long pop songs will have the group itching to leave and Bella dying to stay. My stalker status was up by a thousand but I didn't care.

After all, it was the last night. Tomorrow she'd be gone.

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**_Translations: (sorry I didn't have the ability to type with accent marks) _**

**_Monsieur Eduard- Mr. & Edward using a french pronunciation_**

**_non- no_**

**_Comment ca va?- How are you? (informal)_**

**_Pas mal, mon ami fou- Not bad, my crazy friend_**

**_Helas, oui- Unfortunately, yes_**

**_Merci beaucoup- Thank you very much_**

**_Au revoir, mon ami- Goodbye, my friend_**

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**_~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to find Edward in a bar waiting for you~~_**


	9. Wicked Game

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

******Lots of drunken hugs and kisses to KatieTv and SugarTits as always, they know why. (BTW, are you reading F.I.T.F. yet?) A HUGE thank you to kstewfangirl who made me an awesome banner this week, a link can be found in my profile. She rocks my socks. And thank you to all y'all that read, review, rec, retweet, and so on. XOXO**

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_What a wicked game you play_

_To make me feel this way_

_What a wicked thing to do_

_To make me dream of you_

_~~Wicked Game, Chris Isaak_

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_~~BPOV~~_

I'd heard the expression 'playing with fire' at least a few hundred million times. It was a cliche, over used, but for good reason. There was no better way I could think to describe what I was doing. Edward was fire and if I wasn't careful I was going to get burned.

I didn't sleep at all after the hot tub. After he admitted he wanted to be friends, I was on a high that nothing could knock me out of. Not to mention it was obvious he was attracted to me and it might have made me selfish but I enjoyed that. I missed being attractive to someone. I missed being looked at like I was something to eat. And when I came out of the bathroom at the pool holding my wet suit and going commando in my yoga pants and top, he looked at me like I was covered in sugar and butter.

We came to somewhat of a mutual understanding. Now that I knew we both weren't available it made flirting with him and being with him seem safer. We had too much to lose to give into attraction. So that was that. We'd be 'friends.' Granted he was my only friend I wanted to strip naked and lick every inch of but I'd make it work. I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. That was the mantra I repeated to myself. It staved off the fire.

It didn't stop me from being slightly bummed that I committed to Zafrina's "Ladies Loose on the Lodge" night. I'd spent the day without seeing him once since I was off site at the Monterey Bay Aquarium for most of it. Which was an amazing place. I needed to go back sometime when I could keep my focus on the exhibits and not wishing Edward was there with me.

I applied another coat of mascara and ran a brush through my hair before going out to the living room where some of the girls were gathering. Z had sent a couple into town for bottles of champagne and I could tell from the high pitched giggling that several had already been killed. I gave myself a mental pep talk in the mirror and joined the party.

"Bellllaaaaaaaaaaaaaa," screeched a woman I didn't think I'd ever seen before. "Oh my God, you have to do a song with me. Will you? It would be so epic."

I gave her a keep-away-you-look-crazy smile and looked helplessly to Zafrina. "Do a song?"

"At the bar Bella, there's karaoke tonight. That's why we're going," Zafrina said.

"I thought we were going because you said it'd be empty?"

"That's just what I told you."

"Geez, thanks. I think I'll be up for cheering you on, not singing."

"Oh come onnnnnnn," my new best friend whined while holding onto my arm, "Zaffy says you're a great singer. Please? I really want to sing with you."

Who the hell was this chick? She acted like we'd known each other for years.

"Yeah well, 'Zaffy' has only heard me sing cause the walls are thin. I sing to shower tiles and no one else."

The girl pouted but did not drop her clutch on my arm. I wondered how rude it would be to pry her fingers off me and run to the other side of the room.

"Guess who we saw in town when we were picking up the champy?" said a semi familiar face as she came across the room and handed me a glass.

"Who?" a gaggle of voices cried.

"E.A. Cullen!" she exclaimed. The noise level in the room raised as a high level of swooning began.

"What?" said the girl who was holding onto my arm. "Where was I?"

"Right next to me you nincompoop. Seriously, Lucy, did you not see him?"

"Noooo, oh my God Nettie, I didn't even notice."

"Why the hell did you think I was so pointedly mentioning we'd be having girls night at The Tavern? I was hoping we'd peak his interest and he'd decide to show up."

Wait, what? They saw Edward in town and told him we'd be at the bar? How the hell could I ask for more details without looking obvious? I drank from the glass of champagne and looked around the room. Zafrina was watching me. She tilted her head in that way she does and smiled.

"You naughty girls, here I'd planned a ladies night and you go inviting a man." She wagged her finger at Lucy and Nettie.

"Oh I didn't invite him. I didn't even talk to him directly, are you kidding me? I'd probably say something stupid like ask him to bite me. He was behind us buying a bottle of Jack and I just talked louder than normal." She giggled into her hand.

"He is the whole reason I signed up for this conference," said Lucy, "I came just to hear his talk on vampires today. It was amazing."

"Wasn't it?" cried a woman sitting on the couch. "All that stuff about Victorian society and repressed sexual tension? Hot!"

_Oh really?_

"I am so jealous that he taught that voice class. I almost signed up for that one before he was the speaker and didn't. I could kill myself," said another, "can you imagine spending all week with him?"

I looked to Zafrina silently begging her not to talk. Guess I was out of favors.

"Bella took that class," she said.

I was swarmed by over styled hair and manicured hands pushing me into the couch to crowd around me. Lucy still hadn't let go and if anything was digging her nails into me harder.

"You were?"

"Tell us everything!"

"Is he amazing?"

"What did he talk about?"

"How is he?"

"What's he like?"

"Did you get, like, one on one time with him?"

All of it was said rapid fast and at the same time and I felt my head spinning to keep

up. "It was a really good class. He's a great teacher. He's more knowledgeable than I think he gets credit for." I shrugged and took another sip from my glass.

That wasn't enough for them and I was forced to listen to another thirty minutes of Edward obsession which, to be frank, sounded more like Masen obsession. They seemed to be confused that they weren't one in the same.

"Okay I think that's enough. Shall we go?" Zafrina clapped her hands and Mother Hen-ed the group into quieting down.

"Yes! We're out of champy anyways. Time to paint The Tavern red!" said Nettie.

Purses were gathered, heels were slipped back on, and we all followed Z out the door like she was the Pied Piper of drunken housewives. They were a nice enough group of girls but I had trouble imagining any of them as writers. There wasn't an original thought between them. I let myself separate from the pack grateful that Lucy had finally dropped her death grip. As tipsy as I was, I needed a lot more alcohol to make it through the night.

The bar was not abandoned as Zafrina thought it would be but with only a few patrons there was enough room for the group to crowd around the bar ordering drinks and flirting with the bartender. He had long blond hair pulled into a ponytail and a devilish smile that hinted he was never up to any good. Nettie and Lucy took to him immediately, calling him "Pet," and ordering drinks with obscene names.

"And what can I get for you, sweetheart?" He leaned forward on his palms and looked up at me grinning.

"Heineken please."

"Popular choice tonight."

I furrowed my brow and looked to my barmates fruity brightly colored drinks. No beers there. As if he called my name, my eyes bypassed everyone else in the room and landed on him sitting at the very end of the bar, in the shadows, with a green bottle in front of him. The corner of his mouth twitched up in a small smile and I looked away before one of his devotees noticed.

"So Pet, what's up with the karaoke? We thought it would have started by now." Nettie dragged a fingertip along the bar and up his chest.

He chuckled and took her hand kissing it. "Sorry love, not tonight. Um, another place in town asked to switch nights with us. Our girl is over there."

There was a chorus of boos and whines.

"There is no way we are skipping karaoke, that was the whole point," said Lucy.

'"Settle down kittens," said Zafrina, "we'll finish our drinks here and head out. No need to stop the party, just relocate. Uh, bartender?"

"James," he said.

"James, do you think the Lodge shuttle would give us a lift to town? None of us are in any condition to drive."

"Of course. Let me get my boy Riley on the phone, he'll be here in a jiff."

Nettie crossed her arms and pouted. "Who can you get to cover for you? I want to take Pet with us."

He smiled that wicked grin again and leaned onto the bar inches from her face. "Sorry doll. I'm a one man show here. But I'm out at two, why don't you come find me after you're done butchering 'I Will Survive' and I'll make your night."

The gang meowed and cat called as Nettie fanned at her face. I rolled my eyes at my beer and heard a distinct snort from the corner. I gave him a grin before looking back to the girls.

It took an hour before James announced the shuttle arrived since it was coming in from a late airport run. Drinks were downed and stomach rolling suggestions were made between Nettie and James. I fingered the label of my beer wishing for a way to get out of leaving. It wasn't enough for me to just have an hour of silent conversation across the room.

"Coming Bella?" Zafrina stood in front of me with a playful smile on her face. Over her shoulder I saw Edward slowly shake his head.

"Ummmm, I'm actually pretty tired. Think maybe I'll head to bed."

Zafrina smiled again as the group groaned and Lucy reinstated her talon nails in my arm. "I thought you might say that," said Zafrina, "need us to walk you back to the room?" Her eyebrows raised.

"No, thank you. I can manage. You guys go, have fun!" I embraced each one in turn pretending that hugging people I barely knew goodbye wasn't strange at all.

When the door finally closed behind them and all the noise left the room I noticed they'd picked up the stragglers and taken them also and James had disappeared to the stock room behind the bar. Edward and I were alone.

I picked my beer back up and walked to the end of the bar.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey yourself." He smiled that lazy half cocked grin and I felt a buzz from more than the alcohol in my veins. "I thought they'd never leave."

"No shit. And you haven't even been with them all night."

"You owe me Cullen," said James approaching with two fresh beers, "I didn't realize your little bribe would cockblock my only chance at pootang tonight."

I looked at Edward confused as he glared at James. "Can it."

James looked to me and leered. "Why didn't you go with your friends, sweetheart? See something you like?"

"I don't like karaoke," I said, interrupting the eat-shit-and-die look Edward was shooting his way.

"Neither does he." James cocked a thumb at Edward and retreated taking our empty bottles. The bell above the door sang as an older couple entered to sit at the other end. Edward and I were alone in our bubble.

"What's this bribe?" I asked.

Edward shook his head and bit into his lip. "I might of heard you'd be here tonight so I may have arranged for the karaoke chick not to be, in an effort to get you alone again." He took a long swig from his beer and I watched his throat move the liquid down.

"Oh," was all I could muster.

Edward laughed. "Don't be scared Bella. I'm not here to seduce you. I just wanted to hang out. This being the last night and all."

"Right. Yeah well. I'm glad you did it. Saved me from a fate worse than death. That little blond, Lucy? She was damn near ready to arrange matching tattoos for us."

"She a friend of yours?"

I gave him a flat face. "I met her tonight."

He threw his head back in the way I loved and laughed with his whole body. Nothing thrilled me more than amusing him. It was the best compliment.

"Well, you have that effect on people." He winked and finished his beer.

I blushed and tried to think of a response. Better to just move on. "So I heard your talk today was a success."

He shrugged. "Yeah it went well I guess. I stayed up after the hot tub researching and adding more about the Victorian era. "

"I'm sorry I kept you up so late."

"You didn't. I don't sleep a lot at night. Prefer to do my work then. It's easier for me to hear my own thoughts when everybody else has shut up."

"So what'd you do after? Never saw you around."

He grimaced and sighed. "Went into town."

"Why the sigh? What's up?"

"I don't want to bother you with that shit." He waved his empty bottle at James.

"Girl trouble?" I asked and he nodded. "Then it's no bother. That's what friends are for, what's going on?"

He laced his fingers behind his head and leaned into them chewing on the inside of his cheek. "I don't fucking know. We had one of those fights that you have no idea how it started but you sure as hell aren't going to give up, you know?"

I shook my head, "no, not really."

"What? You and the husband don't fight? Like ever?"

I shook my head again.

"Must be nice. Some days it seems like that's all me and Rose do. We've got one of those relationships, hot or cold. There's no in between."

"So what was the fight about?"

"Uh, doesn't really matter. But she hung up on me telling me not to come home."

"Are you serious? What are you going to do?" I gently touched my fingertips to his shoulder.

"Ah, I'm not too worried. We've done this before. I might go hide out with Alice and Jasper. Let the dust settle."

"I thought your brother's name was Emmett?"

"It is. Jasper is Alice's husband and my agent. He's the brother I never had."

"You and Emmett aren't close?"

He shook his head with vigor and pounded the beer. "No, not at all."

"How come?"

"God you're nosy. I need something stronger for this conversation. James, my man. Crown and Coke please."

"Sorry, I don't mean to be nosy." I looked at my hands.

"No whatever, you're fine. I just don't like talking about Emmett." He drained the drink before James had a chance to walk away and clanked his ice for another.

"So don't. It's not my business."

"It's cool. He was just always a dick to me because I wasn't like him. Calling me and Alice 'the girls' or his 'little sisters."

"Why?"

"Because he was Captain Football, Mr. Wrestler, Rico Suave, and I was shy and into music and writing. I was 'sensitive' my mom said. He bummed me out when we were kids but I still had Alice. Then we went off to school and he made it all worse."

The second drink was gone and this time James came back with the bottle and set it in front of him.

"What'd he do?" I couldn't help it. I was nosy. I wanted to get in his head and see what he had going on in there.

Edward frowned again and played with his glass before going on. "He told everyone I was gay. He started that rumor on the first day of school and it was impossible to live it down. How could I? It came from my brother, it was better than fact. And I don't have anything against the gays, believe me, I'm just not one."

"What an asshole."

"Yeah it pretty much made my first year of high school a living hell. Didn't matter that I could kick the ass of guys twice my size and did. None of the girls would give me the time of day, the gays knew I wasn't gay and acted like I was insulting their gayness, and everyone else treated me like I was a walking petri dish of infestation. That was until..." he trailed off and I waited holding my breath.

"What? Until what?"

"I slept with his girlfriend to prove him wrong. And he's never gotten over it."

"Oh shit," I said, laughing. "Good for you!"

He looked at me like I sprouted a third eye. "I tell you that I slept with my brother's girlfriend for revenge and you approve?"

"What, is there something wrong with me?"

"No I just didn't expect that. I thought you'd be abhorred."

"Nah, I think he deserved it. I am shocked, though, that he hasn't forgiven you yet. That was, what, well over a decade ago? You'd think it wouldn't matter anymore."

Edward lifted his eyes and scrunched up his lips. There was something he wasn't telling me. "Well, yeah. But, his girlfriend was Rose."

_Oh shit. _

"Yeah," he said like I'd voiced that thought. "So you get it now? Why I don't spend my much time with my non-happy family? Emmett and I don't like to be in the same room as each other. Hell, we live on opposite ends of the country from each other. I won't even go to New York with Rose when she has work there and I hate doing press in the city."

"That is so sad. Here I spent my whole life wishing for a sibling but I'd rather be alone than have one I hated. So is all that what causes issues with you and Rose?"

"Fucked if I know. I think it's just us. We live to piss each other off. What I wouldn't give to have what you have. A quiet life, a couple kids, a husband you don't fight with. I envy you, Bella. Sounds like you have it all."

I snorted and looked away when he glanced my way confused. I turned back to him and reached for his drink asking with my eyes. He nodded and I downed the glass of Crown minus the Coke.

"It's not perfect. Don't get me wrong. Anything worth having is worth working for. And that's what marriage is, hard ass work."

"But it's worth it?" His eyes explored mine.

"Yeah, of course. Shit when did this get so heavy? I thought we were out for a good time tonight?" I popped a whiskey soaked ice cube in my mouth and sucked.

"You're right. I'm sorry I started it. Forgive me?" He laid his palms out suspended in the air in front of me.

"Why do you always have blue marks on your fingers?" I reached out to touch the circular calloused indent on the side of his index finger.

It was the first time we'd touched skin to skin without clothing or water as a barrier. I felt a tingle rise from my fingertips and shoot up my arm and down to my clit. It was like he'd touched it himself.

He shifted on the bar stool and cleared his throat. "Ink stains. I write everything out first pen to paper. I can't write on a computer."

"And always in blue?" I ran my finger on the pool of stain at the tips.

"Yeah. Always blue. I don't like black."

I knew that had nothing to do with me or my last name but hearing it still thrilled me.

"Shit, I'm gone. And you are entirely too sober. Shots?"

"What? I've had all these beers. And there was champagne, and your Crown." I slurred a little and frowned as he drew his hands back and motioned to James.

"Your best tequila, man. Lemons and salt, asap."

"Oh, no no. I don't do tequila shots. Tequila is ass, it's meant for margaritas only."

"You've never had good tequila. Seriously this is your best?" he asked as James produced a bottle of Don Julio Blanco. James just shrugged.

"See, it's not good. I'm not doing it."

"Yes you are. And it is good, it's just not the best. Next year I'll bring the best and we'll do round two."

Next year? I liked the sound of that. I'd been in a sad little funk all day thinking that tomorrow he'd be gone. He poured two shots and pulled the salt and plate of lemons closer.

"Um, what do I do? I've never done this before."

He cocked an eyebrow at me. "You mean to tell me I'm popping your tequila shot cherry? I'm honored." He wiggled his brows. "Allow me."

He slid his arm across the bar and touched my bare forearm. My touching him made my clit stand at attention but him touching me turned on Niagara Falls. He gently wrapped his fingers around my wrist with one hand and grabbed the salt shaker with the other. His eyes didn't leave mine as he brought my wrist towards his mouth. I held my breath and felt my blood pound in the arteries beneath his thumb. His lips hovered for a moment then he parted them, took my skin in his mouth, and sucked. I squeaked while his eyes twinkled.

He pulled my arm from his mouth and covered his saliva with salt before letting go. "Do me?" he purred.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph I was going to hell. I flipped his arm over on the bar and bent over to delicately flick my tongue across his flesh. He tasted salty and sweet. Black honey indeed. I heard the softest moan and smiled into his arm before sitting back up.

"Well we definitely aren't doing body shots. Shit Bella, are you trying to kill me?" He shifted on his stool again.

"You started it," I said batting my lashes at him with a smile.

He handed me a lemon and the shot. "Lick salt, down liquor, suck lemon. Got it?"

He lost me after lick salt. Lick salt meant taking his wetness into my mouth. I was going to taste him even more. I pressed my tongue on my arm tasting a vague hint of mint beneath the bitterness. I downed the smooth alcohol which was better than any tequila I'd ever had, and pressed the lemon between my teeth. I felt it immediately. My skin was hot, my head filled with cotton balls and I was overcome with the desire to dance.

"Good girl," Edward said, "next I'll have you taking the lemon from my mouth." He winked and grinned as I swatted at him and missed.

"Uh uh, no way Jose. Too dangerous. Hey do you have any change? I want to turn on the jukebox." I hopped off my stool and then grabbed the wall for support. Shit. It was more like one tequila floor for me.

He filled my hands with change and I made my way to the jukebox. I took my time choosing songs I thought we'd both like. For some reason most of the albums were country so I stuck to the classics and any rock I could find. When the first song came on I swung my hips and sang to myself as I made my selections. I turned to go back when I was done and saw him leaned against the wall watching me. I guess alcohol lowers my sensitivity to the eye touch. I blushed under his examination and begged the volcano between my legs to simmer down.

"What are you thinking?" I asked, deciding to stand at the bar rather than try to climb up on the stool.

"You really don't want to know." He chuckled, making me want to know all that more.

"Yes, I really do."

He took a drag from the cigarette, he must have paid off James to let him smoke inside, and grinned. "I was just sitting here wishing we could drop the friends status. Just for tonight."

"You don't want to be friends? Then we'd be like, what, enemies?" I asked scratching my forward.

He laughed low and sexy. "No Bella. I don't want to be your enemy. I want to be your lover."

I giggled too loud and high pitched. "Shut up! Oh my God you're making me blush. Don't say that."

"You asked. I told you, you didn't want to know."

I grinned up at him perched on the stool and put my hands on his knees. "I'm glad you told me. Now I know I'm not crazy."

He looked to his hands and back at me. "Why'd you think you were crazy?"

"I thought maybe I imagined the attraction. And now you're liquored up and telling secrets."

"Are you telling me that I'm not imagining it either?"

I pushed myself off his knees and just grinned. I made my way back to the jukebox to find air that he hadn't sucked out of me. God he was hot. The song switched again and The Man in Black laid down Folsom Prison Blues. I held my hair up off my damp neck and swayed to the music eyes closed. I couldn't help but belt out the lyrics. I loved this damn song.

"I have never seen anything so fucking sexy as you dancing to Johnny Cash," said a throaty whisper in my ear. "The things I could do to you. Girl, you have no idea."

The volcano blew it's top and lava pooled in my pants. "Edward," I exhaled, "you have to stop. You don't know what you're doing to me." I opened my eyes to him leaning against the jukebox.

He took a finger and crooked it under my chin. "Payback's a bitch."

I moved closer to him and whispered over the music. "We can't do this, you know that."

"I do. But that doesn't mean I can't want it. And what's wrong with me telling you that? I believe in total honesty in friendship."

"It's wrong and you know it. What's that rule of thumb? Cheating is anything you wouldn't do with your significant other watching?"

Edward laughed. "Well then I'm fucked because I couldn't be in the same room as you with Rose watching. So I've already crossed that line, might as well hit it out of the park."

"Stop that," I said, wagging a finger at him.

"What, I'm not right? Could you stand across the room from me with Jake watching? Could you handle the way I eye fuck you every chance I get with him there?"

Fuck I was breathless and so turned on. Which was so, so wrong. "No I couldn't. But I can't take this, knowing you want me. I could barely handle wanting you on my own."

"Alright, Bluebell. I'll give you that. But you better sit your ass down because I can't take watching you dance."

He led me by the hand back to our stools and poured another set of shots. We licked our own wrists and chastely sat and talked for hours but still found any excuse to innocently touch each other. Fingers trailed across forearms, hands lightly squeezed legs, knees slid between each other. We touched in any safe way we could to try and make it enough.

Knowing his less than noble intentions somehow made it easier for me to open up to him. I told him about growing up as a parentified child to the always flaky Renee and he talked more about his family and beef with Emmett. We circled around to Rose again and I offered advice when I could. It was strange, my lack of jealousy. I could objectively discuss them as a couple because even though I was attracted him I knew he didn't belong to me. And that was just fine because I sure as hell didn't belong to him. He asked more about Jake and I had a harder time sharing.

"When I said before that we didn't fight. It's not because we're happy all the time."

"What do you mean?"

"We don't fight because we don't have it in us to. There's no, I don't know, passion there. Like you and Rose, you fight hard, you love hard. Me and Jake just live."

"How could anyone not be passionate about you Bella?" he ignored my look and went on. "I mean it. You could light a fire in the tundra."

"Hmph. Well not his tundra. You know how people say all cutesy 'oh I married my best friend?' Well, it's not all it's cracked up to be. I literally married my best friend and most days that feels like all we are. Friends who live together and have kids. We just keep each other company."

"That is my worst nightmare, Bella. I'm so sorry. God, you gave great advice about Rose and I have no idea how to help you here because I just can't relate."

"Of course you can't. You're passionate about everything, that's what I like about you. Okay I'm done with the heavy shit again. You got a get out of jail free card and now I do too."

"Bluebell, last time you put the kibosh on the heart to heart stuff we were talking about you also."

"We were? Huh, I don't remember." I chewed my lip. "You've talked me sober. More shots?"

"You are so far from sober it ain't funny but I can't say no to you. Hey James, where's our bottle of tequila?"

"Last call was well over an hour ago, lovebirds. I'm letting you two stay out of the kindness of my heart."

"Bullshit," I called down the bar, "You're waiting for Nettie."

Edward leaned in an whispered loudly, "it was his girlfriend I paid off to ditch the karaoke."

"What? You are a bad man James Brown." I said shaking my finger and he looked to my ring and back to Edward. Point taken.

"He's not the Godfather of Soul, Bluebell."

"Okay, Leroy Brown then, baddest man in the whole damn town," I hollered over my shoulder at James, "and why do you keep calling me that?"

Edward grinned with mischief. "It suits you. So where to? We don't have to go home but we can't stay here."

"Ummm..." I trailed off.

"What! Are you calling it a night? Not two minutes ago you were begging for shots."

"No! I'm trying to figure out where we can get alcohol at this hour. You think if I flashed him my tits I could distract him long enough for you to grab a bottle?"

"NO! I mean, yeah it would but no way in hell are you doing that. If I can't see them, he can't see them. Besides, I've got you covered. I've got enough liquor in my room to float us into next week." He slid off the stool and held his hand out to me.

"There is no way in hell I'm going back to your room so you can have your way with me."

"I can get a bottle and bring it to yours."

"Nowhere with beds, duh. I don't trust our ability to stay vertical when drunk."

"Good point. Oh, I know where to go! Come with me." He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door. "You've got my room name, James, charge it."

"You got it, Cullen. And if I can ever do you any more 'favors' you let me know."

He led me into the dark parking lot and around to the back of the building. "Where are you taking me? Just when I thought I could trust you not to murder and rape me in the woods."

"Settle down, you'll see. And I wouldn't murder you first I'm not into necrophilia."

"Well thanks for putting my mind at ease. Sheesh."

He laughed pushing open a gate. "The guys let me park my car in the employee parking lot. I don't like leaving her just anywhere."

"Are you insane? I'm not driving anywhere with you right now."

"Of course not. We're staying here. She's parked with an awesome view and I've got a bottle of Jack behind the seat."

We approached a gorgeous vintage convertible facing a low rock wall and the ocean. Edward opened the door for me and I slid into the seat and reached across to unlock his door. He bent down to the floor behind me producing a wool plaid blanket and the promised bottle before going around to the other side to get in. He turned the key a notch and the heat came on low with the stereo lighting up.

"You like Billie Holiday?"

"I love him," I said with a smile settling under the blanket. Edward scowled and I laughed. "Hello? Line from Clueless, that movie. I know Billie Holiday's a woman and yes I love her."

"Oh thank God. I was going to say, get the fuck out of my car. I don't care if you can shake your ass to Cash."

"Are you always such a flirt?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

"What? I'm not flirting with you. You're coming on to me."

"Yes you are. And I'm getting shot down every time so I must not be good at it."

"You know that's not the reason," I said taking the open bottle and having a swig. "If circumstances were different we would have spent this whole trip in your room."

I was teasing but he looked at me with the utmost seriousness. "You don't know how I've kicked myself this week for refusing to be enrolled in Forks High all those years ago. It would have changed everything. I would have met you before you were married. I would never have met Rose. It all would have been different. One choice undid all that."

This was so much more than a I-think-you're-hot-and-I-want-you-naked revelation.

"You don't know that. There's no way of knowing that. We could have hated each other in high school and never gotten the chance to know each other at all. Or gotten together and had the worst break-up of all times. I'm not going to have regrets, I'm just going to be grateful for knowing you now. Complications and all."

He reached out and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "You are so much wiser than me."

I blushed and bit my lip.

"And when you do that," his thumb came out and tugged at my bottom lip, "I want to kiss you so bad." His voice was barely a whisper by the last word.

My heart dropped into my stomach and I felt the now familiar heat between my legs. "Edward, I can't kiss you."

"Why not?" he begged in a whisper leaning in closer.

I put my hand in his chest and pushed him back just a little. "Because I can't take you in my mouth. I can't have you inside me or I wouldn't be able to keep saying no."

"Fuck, Bella. Then stop. No more nos. I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone or anything. I could read between the lines in there. I know what's going on."

"What do you mean?" My hand was still pressed against his pounding heart.

"You didn't say it but it was like I heard you think it. Your marriage has no 'passion?' You just keep each other 'company?' It doesn't take a genius to figure out he's not fucking you like he should, God knows why."

I moved my hand to my lap and stared at the dark waters. "That's none of your business."

"I'm making you my business. I want you to know how gorgeous and desirable you are. Because you have no idea and it pisses me off that he took that from you. I might want you, Bella but I want to make love to you, for you."

"Edward-"

"I wasn't finished," he said, holding my gaze and licking his lips. "There are three things in this world I'm good at. Fighting, writing, and fucking. Please come back to my room."

I moaned into the air between us and closed my eyes. God it would be so easy to just give in. "I can't, Edward. I can't let you be a mistake. I don't want to taint you like that. You are better than a bad mistake.

He sighed in agreement and slid his hand around to the back of my neck. "Come here," he said, pulling my head towards him.

"Please. I can't kiss you."

"Just trust me, Bella."

I closed my eyes and gave into his pull. I felt his breath on my skin and gasped lightly. His lips pressed into my forehead and I relaxed into his chest.

"You could never be a mistake to me," he said with his mouth still against me. "You could be a lot of things but never a mistake."

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_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to do tequila shots with Edward~~**_


	10. Heartbreak Warfare

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Y'all know who I thank (ahem, KatieTv and Sugartits because they are awesome). I also want to thank BelleDean of Twimpage for the awesome review today and kstewfangirl for rec'ing me as a Fic that's Pwning You on The Fictionators. Hello new readers (waves hand emphatically) so cool to see you here!**

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_Clouds of sulfur in the air_

_Bombs are falling everywhere_

_It's heartbreak warfare_

_Once you want it to begin_

_No one ever really wins_

_It's heartbreak warfare_

_~~Heartbreak Warfare, John Mayer_

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_~~BPOV~~_

I tip-toed up to the cabin just after daybreak to find a meditating Zafrina on the porch. She said nothing as I slipped by her but I knew she heard me even though she didn't open her eyes. I paced in the living room for a moment before peeking my head back out the open door.

"I guess you're wondering where I've been," I said to her tranquil face.

"Nope," she answered.

"Nothing happened."

She exhaled and kept her eyes closed. "I don't need or expect an explanation. Last I checked, my name wasn't Jiminy Cricket."

I didn't have anything to say to that and since I was probably bugging her anyways, I retreated to my room. I caught sight of my face in the mirror above the dresser and was glad my confession was shrouded by her eyelids. There was no way she'd have believed me with this shit eating grin on my face and I was totally full of shit. Nothing happened? Who was I kidding?

After I discovered my willpower was stronger than I ever imagined I thought maybe we shouldn't continue down the path we started. When Edward finally released my forehead from his lips I turned to reach for the door mumbling an explanation he ignored.

"_Please stay Bella."_

I heard his words again and shivered at the mirror. I couldn't tell him no. I let him wrap his arm around my waist and slide me across the seat. He folded me into him and I laid my head against him letting my legs stretch across the bench seat. I didn't know what to do with my hands but he didn't seem to have that problem. His right arm circled around me and landed on my hip. He slid his hand just beneath the waist band of my pants to touch my skin and I bucked as his cold fingers pressed into the heat of my flesh.

"_God you are so soft."_

He breathed his words to me and I clamped down on my lip afraid of what would come out of my mouth. I pressed my eyes tightly now remembering how he whispered the way I'd feel against satin sheets. I couldn't answer him anymore. I couldn't beg him to stop. I'd pleaded my case and he knew this would go nowhere. He was determined, however, to make sure I knew how much he wished to fuck me and I was more than happy to listen.

I dropped my jeans to the floor and added my shirt and bra to the pile. I slid into the cool sheets and recalled his icy fingers as my nipples peaked. I didn't have the energy to follow through on their interest. I'd spent the last eight hours in such a heightened sense of arousal that I was afraid what might happen if I gave into it. I sighed and turned over running my hand across my hip. I heard him again.

"_Do you feel like this everywhere?"_

His words were laced with desire and I couldn't help but moan a response. I had felt him against my back. He slowly skimmed his fingertips across me, tracing the lines of my hip bone always stopping before he dipped too low. I had felt all the blood rush to his touch and was hot beneath the wool blanket despite the chilly outside air. He repeated this motion for hours stopping now and again to run his fingers against the edge of my waistband, and I spent those hours barely breathing.

"_I told you I knew how to touch you, Bluebell."_

The whimper that escaped my lips now, at just the memory, was the same as it was in that car. Eventually we both drifted in and out of sleep. A few times I felt his lips in my hair or on the back of my neck but I could have been dreaming. My dreams were so filled with him and this night that separating truth from fiction was a challenge. I probably called his name while I slept imagining him doing all the things I'd told him not to.

He had pushed his nose against my cheek to wake me as the sky began to lighten and pulled the blanket tighter around us. I knew I didn't imagine the kiss I felt near my ear nor the one on my fingertips that had, at some point, become entangled with his. I frowned when he whispered, "time to get you home kiddo," but didn't argue. I let one tear slip from my eye and just nodded pretending it was the light and the salty air that caused it. It was one thing to be drunk and inappropriate in the dark of night but daylight couldn't hide what this really was.

So while nothing happened in the sense that I didn't physically let him inside me, he was in me in every other way imaginable. His touched hummed in my blood, my skin still buzzed where his fingers had been. Every word he said played through my mind like my favorite song on repeat. When I closed my eyes he was still there. Even a blind man could have seen it all on my face. I couldn't have hid it from Zafrina and I couldn't hide it from myself anymore.

But today was the day I had to leave him here and go back to my life. I had no idea how I would do it but I knew that I had to. For the sake of my family, my life, I had to.

There were only a few hours until the lunchtime keynote address, the culmination of the week, the reason I'd come in the first place. I begged my mind for respite and sleep. At least I could dream of Edward, then he'd never really be gone.

* * *

"Thank you for asking me here to share what little wisdom I have on this craft we call writing. I've never seen myself as an expert on the subject and for you all to view me that way is humbling. I'll leave you now with the words of the great Anais Nin, 'the role of a writer is not to say what we can all say, but what we are unable to say.' Thank you."

A shattering applause spread across the room as the author that inspired me to write beamed from the podium. Zafrina and I had arrived early and found seat at a table right in front. The podium was flanked by long banquet tables where the authors who taught and presented all week were seated. Although Edward sat right in front of me, he politely kept his eyes to himself and let me listen to the words that made me determined to pen a novel. I think I may have even teared up when she described writing chapter notes on the back of a cereal box because her children would demand her attention if she dared to pull out her laptop.

She was doing exactly what I thought I couldn't do. She was a wife, a mother and a writer. She scurried away moments of her day to find time to write. Those moments and words added up until she had a chapter and then a book. She juggled swim meets and soccer tournaments with deadlines and press tours. She refused to feel guilt at doing anything that took her away from her family because she knew that in the end she was more to them as a whole person. And right now she was the wind beneath my self-doubting wings.

"Thank you, Elizabeth. We are honored to have you as our guest," said Maria, one of the main organizers of the conference, "and I am sorry to you all that she will not be able to stay for a meet and greet following the luncheon but she does have to leave straight for the airport. But, in an extremely generous gesture, she has left copies of her new novel for all of you!"

The room exploded in applause again and I watched as Elizabeth waved to the crowd and squeezed Edward's shoulder before sitting down. Maria went on to thank each author at the head table and all the attendees. She encouraged us all to return next year and announced the luncheon and thus the conference was over. I brought my hands together in front of a heavy heart and added to the clapping around me. The room became a bustle of activity as everyone said their goodbyes and prepared to go.

I watched as Edward stood and Elizabeth came back over to embrace him. Her hair was cut in a chic bob and she wore a dove grey pantsuit and heels. She looked sophisticated and down-to-earth at the same time. He whispered in her ear and she pulled him by the hand out onto the patio. They ducked their heads into one another and spoke quietly. She reached out to take his chin and gave him a sad smile just as his eyes focused on mine and he reached out to motion me over. I shook my head to indicate I didn't want to interrupt but he ignored me and called my name. I made my way out the door and Edward introduced me to my idol.

"Elizabeth, I would like you to meet Bella, a very promising young writer from the class I led this week."

"Bella, it's a pleasure to meet you," she said grasping my hand and radiating a warm smile. "If you captured Edward's interest you must be quite the writer. Tell me, what are you working on?"

I returned the handshake and fought to find the the words to speak through the awestruck. "Um, nothing specific yet. But today you motivated me to start the novel I've always wanted to write."

"Oh, sweetheart! You're too kind. Well like I said, if he's says you're wonderful, than it must be so. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I see your name in print. I hate to dash off on you guys but I have to. I have a flight to New York this afternoon. Edward, I meant what I said, it's been far too long. We'll lunch soon, right?"

"Yes ma'am. Please give the family my best. Hope to see you all again soon," he replied as they embraced again and she waved to me before being shuttled away by her people.

"Edward," I whispered struggling for breath, "I can not believe that just happened. How do you...? Why did you...? What just happened?"

He laughed and bent in to me. "I noticed during her lecture that you hung on every word. I thought you might like to meet her."

"Like is the understatement of the year. That was incredible. She's the reason I came here."

"Is she? That shouldn't surprise me. I already owe her for some of the best things in my life."

"How do you know her?" I said, choosing to ignore his last comment. Okay, not ignore it but file it away for later when I needed something to make me melt.

"It's a funny story really. She was my creative writing professor my first year in college. She was the first person to really encourage me to write and I thought she was crazy even though she was a phenomenal teacher and writer. We became really close and I even lived for awhile in the apartment above the garage at their house. She's like a second mother. My author mother, she's taught me everything I know about this world."

"That is incredible. I am so jealous. We had nothing like that a little old Peninsula College."

"Is that where you went to school? I haven't heard of it."

"Yeah, you wouldn't have. It's a little community college in the thriving metropolis of Port Angeles. I got my associates there and then completed my bachelor's online through the University of Washington."

"That's a good school. What's your degree in?"

"Bachelor's of Arts in English, duh. What else would I want to study?"

He laughed and pushed my hair back behind my ear. "I had no idea you went to college."

"You thought I was naturally this brilliant?"

"You are," he said with his lopsided grin.

My heart rolled over and I chewed my lip thinking of how he confessed he wanted to kiss me when I did it. I noticed that the room behind us had mostly cleared and we were, once again, wrapped up in each other and oblivious.

"Nope, sorry. I paid good money for these smarts."

"Beauty and brains, you are the whole package Bella Swan," he said, glancing down at my white cotton sundress and the waves I didn't straighten from my hair. "When do you leave?"

I frowned. There was no more pretending this could go on forever. "Now. My bags are packed and ready to go. I'm on the next shuttle to the airport. What about you?"

"I have to go soon too. Made a deal with the old lady. I'm going to burn rubber back to L.A. and make it just in time for the premier. Might not even have time to change." He ran his hands down his chest smoothing the vintage cowboy shirt, the ring on his right hand catching on the pearl snaps. I looked at his standard dark cuffed jeans and boots and grinned.

"I think you look just fine as you are," I said and turned my smile into a frown. "I really have to go."

"Let me drive you?" he pleaded reaching out to take my hands in his. A light breeze came off the ocean and blew his scent straight into me. I swallowed him down and ignored the sting in my eyes.

"You can't. It's the opposite direction. I'd make you late."

"I want to."

"No, I'm sorry," I said shaking my head. "I have to leave you here Edward, exactly as I found you. I can't take you with me, even for part of the way."

Edward was silent for a moment rubbing his thumbs in my palms. "Alright. I understand. But know something first. You are not leaving me at all how you found me."

"Edward," I said, my voice cracking, "I know you know this can't be real life. You and me, there's no place for it in the real world."

He closed his eyes for a moment and sighed before dropping my hands and wrapping his arms around me. He held me against his chest and spoke into my hair. "Maybe not. But this is the place for us in _this_ world. Please come back, Bella. I'll be here, waiting."

I bit into my cheek to feel something other than the ache in my heart. "Same time, next year?" I finally managed to whisper out.

"Same time, next year," he promised.

* * *

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love Edward's fingertips under your waistband~~**_


	11. Song for the Waiting

___**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Flowers and chocolates for KatieTv and Sugartits and Buhbeesgirl because I couldn't do this without them. And they find my snort cute. Thank you to everyone who tweets or rec's to get my story out there because you love it and for that I love you. I've had a few loyal pimpers and I die a little inside each time I see you talking about lil ol' me.**

**I had several readers this week who took the time to review multiple chapters while they caught up. All y'all are just the bees knees. I passed 100 reviews last chapter! *confetti falls from the ceiling***

**I wanted to remind y'all to check out my profile where I link the songs that start each chapter and a few other goodies. I recently started dabbling on polyvore (as though I needed another hobby) and included some visual stimulation for some chapters. This week's song is particularly good. It took me at least five tries to choose the lyrics to sample because the whole song said what I wanted it to say. Go listen :)**

_

* * *

_

_It's not the road_

_It's not the miles_

_Or being alone_

_That tells my heart_

_She should be aching_

_The danger's in the waiting_

_~~Song for the Waiting, Aron Wright_

* * *

_~~BPOV~~_

"I can not believe my eyes. Is this a Bella mirage? Are you real? Benny, tell me you see it too." Garrett clutched his chest in mock shock and fell against the seat.

"I do. I see it, man. She must be real," Benito said as though my existence was actually debatable.

"Phew, for a second there I thought I'd smoked peyote again."

"You guys, shut up," I said, taking the same seat I had arrived in on the shuttle.

"We never thought we'd see you again, mija, you disappeared on us."

"What? No I didn't." I rubbed my eye beneath my sunglasses.

"Yeah, pup, you did. Don't think we didn't notice you've been MIA the last few days. Come to think of it I didn't see Cullen around much either."

"Hey you both boned out of the aquarium trip on me so don't even act like I've been missing. What happened anyways?" I said, stepping over the comment about Edward.

Garrett and Benito traded side eye glances and grinned. "The costume party," Garrett finally said, "You missed one hell of a party. I was in no condition to go anywhere the next day. And I think I'm in love."

"What?" I said. "With who?"

"A gal from Alaska, named Kate. She's a travel adventure writer. I'm headed home long enough to pack a backpack and we're meeting back up in Costa Rica. This girl owns me bad." He reached up and grabbed his scalp while letting out a groan. Benito punched him in the arm and laughed.

"And you, Benito? Why'd you bail on me?"

"Lo siento. I woke up, it was afternoon. You were long gone."

"Yeah, I looked for you later that night but nada," Garrett said.

"Wherever you've been, Bella, did you enjoy yourself?" Benito asked.

I felt my lips curl up as I looked past his shoulder and out the window behind him. Edward strode over to the silver Volvo, slid on a pair of shades, and stepped on the cigarette he'd just dropped.

"Yeah, I did," I said as they both followed my gaze out the window. I snapped my eyes back to them and shrugged with what I hoped was nonchalance.

Benito frowned slightly and Garret just shook his head and laughed. The shuttle pulled out of the parking lot and I closed my eyes refusing to see him leave. I wanted to imagine him there waiting for me. Just like he promised.

* * *

I pressed my head against the plastic window of the plane and the first glimpse of Seattle came into view. My leg bounced as I drummed my fingernails on the seat. I couldn't tell if it was anxiety or the thirty-seven Diet Cokes I'd had that made me so twitchy. I'd spent all morning saying goodbye and I was ready for some hellos.

I parted with the guys just after security as our gates were on opposite ends of the airport from each other. We'd already exchanged emails and promises to keep in touch on the shuttle but it was still sad to watch them go. While waiting at the gate I'd unexpectedly teared up in a latent response to Zafrina's parting words. She'd whispered to me just before she left, _"In life, there are no accidents," _one of the first things she'd said to me when we met. We'd been discussing how I found my way to the conference and after a week of fate slapping me in the face, those words meant so much more now.

I resisted the urge to buy a copy of _Vampires After Midnight_ in the airport bookstore and instead pulled out the still hot from the press edition of Elizabeth's new novel. I couldn't help but shake my head on the plane when the middle seat next to me produced his book. She opened it leaving me to stare at the back and thus Edward's face the entire plane ride home.

He was dressed in the same outfit he'd worn that first day of class and was sitting at a piano leaning his head against his forearm. One eyebrow was cocked in a typically sexy Edward way with a tiny upturn to his lips and I swear to the Virgin Mary I could feel his eye touch through the book jacket. I recrossed my legs and gulped my soda.

"Have you read it?" she asked when she noticed me staring. "It's amazing. I can't put it down. And there's another coming out next month, I can't wait."

"No I haven't. But I've heard good things about it." I smiled a secret smile.

"I'm almost done, I could let you read a bit, see if you like it."

"Oh that's nice, but no thanks. I've got a book. I'll pick that up another time."

She went back to reading and I left my book unread on my lap in favor of staring out the window. I noticed a spotted ladybug trapped between the inner and outer windows. She kept wandering between the plastic panes looking for a way out. I couldn't see how she had gotten in and felt sorry for her. I tapped at the small pinhole on my side of the window thinking maybe she'd squeezed through but either I didn't speak ladybug Morse code or she'd given up because she settled in the corner to look out the outer window and watch the clouds she wanted to fly among.

The ground grew closer and I pitched forward in the seat as we bumped along the tarmac. I tapped a goodbye to the lady bug and exchanged pleasantries with middle seat before shuffling down the aisle, through the airport and onto the puddle jumper that would take me to Port Angeles.

I retrieved my bag and stepped into the drizzling rain to look for Renee. I'd had minute to call her in Seattle to let her know the plane would be on time. I saw my black Subaru by the curb and hurried towards it. Sarah's face lit up behind the water beaded window and I gasped in surprise as Renee got out to help me with the bag.

"You brought the girls! I didn't expect that!" I said giving her a one armed hug and reaching for the door.

"Mommy!" Sarah cried as I climbed in the cramped backseat. She wrapped her arms around my neck and Charlotte kicked her excited feet against the seat.

"Hello my babies. How I missed you," I said and kissed each one a hundred times. I climbed over the seats when Renee got in and buckled up for the ride home.

"I can drive, Mom."

"No, sit back and enjoy the girls. I'm fine."

"Thank you so much for bringing them, I thought I'd have to wait until I got home to see them. You didn't have to do that. Long car trips with two babies is not fun."

"They've been great, honey. No worries. Besides, Jake is out helping Sam with something so I couldn't have left them."

"He is? What are they doing?"

"Fixing the roof, apparently it started leaking."

"Our roof?"

"No. I guess Sam's. I don't really know. He said he'd be done by the time you got back."

"Oh,geez. I hope there wasn't any damage. I'll call Emily in the morning. Poor girl, they just had to have their heater replaced this winter. If it's not one thing it's another."

"Isn't that the truth. Hey, I was thinking Bells, why don't you go out tonight to dinner. Just the two of you."

"No way! I miss the girls I don't want to leave them my first night here."

"Go to a late dinner after they're in bed. It'd be good for you guys to spend some time together."

"Alright, I guess. It would be nice."

"Mommy, Mommy! 'Scuse me. I wait all patient for you to be done."

"Yes Sarah? And you were very patient, good job not interrupting."

"I went to the zoo. With Grandma and Grandpa and I saw the penguins and the meerskats. They was so funny, Mommy!" Sarah giggled and Charlotte copied her.

"That does sound fun. Tell me what else you did while I was gone," I said to Sarah before turning to Renee, "you and Charlie took them to the zoo? In Seattle?"

Renee shrugged and leaned in towards the steering wheel to rest her chin on the top. "I didn't want to go alone. We had a great time. He's good with the girls. There were times when it seemed like twenty some odd years hadn't passed. Especially since Charlotte is your mini me. You were just a little younger than her when we left."

I tasted the bag of chips I'd wolfed down in Seattle and dug in my carry on for a water bottle.

"Mommy are you listening? I telling you that we did dress up and we went to the beach but it was cold. We threw rocks."

"That's great, honey," I said through a mouthful of water.

"I was a good eater and I listened to Grandma. And we... uh oh. I have to make a tinkle, Mommy. Stop the car!"

Renee pulled into a gas station where I begged Sarah not to touch anything as I held her over the toilet so she could pee. We got back on the road and pulled in behind Jake's truck just as it was getting dark.

He was in the shower when I came inside so I played with the girls until I heard the water turn off. I gave him a few minutes in the bedroom to get dressed before I knocked on the door.

"Yeah?"

"It's me, can I come in?" The door opened before I could finish.

"Hey Belly, you're home," he said scooping me into his still damp arms.

"Just got in," I mumbled into his shoulder. "Renee said she wants us to go to dinner tonight. Date night or whatever. You in?"

He let go and stepped back towards his dresser. "Yeah sure. That sounds good. You just want to go to town?"

"Yeah I don't want to go back to Port A. I'm done traveling today."

"Good. In that case I don't have to change." He pulled on a pair of socks and reached for his sneakers.

"Okay, I'm going to help get the girls in bed and then we can go. Hey, where's your wedding ring?" I asked noticing his bare finger untying the laces of his shoes.

"Hmm? Oh. I took it off before I left. You know I don't like to wear it when I'm working with my hands."

"I thought you might have lost it again. What are we on know your fourth band?"

"Third. And that's enough out of you," he said with a grin. "I lose shit. I can't help it."

I slipped out the door and back to the living room choosing to tune out the nagging voice in my ear. The excitement of my return must have worn the wee ones out because they were both passed out within minutes of the bedroom door closing. Renee had settled into the couch with a glass of wine, a coffee cake, and the Lifetime Movie classic _Mother May I Sleep With Danger?_ She waved a couple fingers over her shoulder as we left. It was just me and him and silence.

"So what do you want? Pizza? Chinese? The Smoke House?"

"Chinese sounds good," I said as he made a face. "What? You don't want it? What do you want?"

"The Smoke House."

"That's fine," I answered, wondering why he'd bother to ask my opinion at all.

We walked to his truck and I waited for him to hit the button to unlock the door so I could open it. My legs felt damp from the rain and I was glad I remembered to grab a jacket. I jumped up and down a little to warm them and tried to figure out what was taking so long.

"Jake? Come on, I'm freezing over here."

"Oh sorry," he said snapping his phone shut. He unlocked the doors and turned on the heat as I climbed up into the cab.

"We should have taken the Subaru. Heated seats would be nice right now."

"I hate that car. I don't fit in it unless I open the sunroof. And heated seats are the stupidest invention ever."

"That's just because your butt already runs at a hundred and eight degrees. The rest of us normal folk are freezing in this weather."

"Look at you all spoiled in your fancy car. I remember a time not long ago you were trying to convince me that we could put a car seat in the front of your old Chevy."

I looked across the lawn to my old truck as he reversed down the drive. I had fought him on getting a new car when I was expecting Sarah. I couldn't imagine giving up my truck. We compromised and I got a new car for day to day driving but we didn't sell the Chevy and I still took it when I went out on my own.

It only took ten minutes or so to pull into the town of Forks. I kept my hands on the air vents the whole time while Jake whistled to the radio. When we got to The Smoke House we waved hello to the familiar faces and he ordered the clam chowder and salmon dinner just like every other time we'd come. I sort of thought that when you had less dining choices than fingers you should at least try something different on the menu.

He prattled on about work complaining about the new client he'd gotten the contracts from when I left and I waited not so patiently for him to ask me about the conference.

"So," I started when he paused to drink from his beer, "I had a good time on my trip."

"Yeah? That's good." He shoveled a mouthful of salmon in with the beer.

"Yeah. It was great. Really informative, I learned a lot."

"It was like school?"

"Not really but I took classes and seminars on things-"

"I seriously can't believe you took a vacation to go to school. But then again I never understood why you wanted to waste time in college either."

I breathed in and out slowly before continuing. My higher education was somewhat of a sticky subject. I likened it to a wife garnishing a fatter paycheck though he acted like he wouldn't have wanted to go to college even if he could have afforded it.

"I took this voice class that was amazing, I got great feedback on my writing sample."

"Voice? Like singing?"

"No. It wasn't a singing class it was about developing your voice as a writer."

"I don't get it."

"If that doesn't make sense I can't really explain it. It's one of those things you know what it is but you can't tell someone else."

Jake raised his shoulders up and down looking at his plate. His fork pushed into the fish and rice. "That's okay. I don't care that much anyways."

I frowned at my meal and chewed my inner cheek, "Okay, sorry. Why'd you ask then?"

"I didn't," he said reminding me that I, in fact, had brought it up. "Hey, I didn't mean it like that, I'm sorry. I'm glad you had a good time but I don't get all that so, you know..."

"You don't want to hear about it?"

"It's your thing, your hobby. Like I don't sit and explain the inner workings of an engine to you because it'd bore you. You do your thing and don't worry about bringing me into it."

"Let me get this straight. You just want me to do this, what I did at the conference, and have it be my thing. I don't need to tell you about it or make you feel a part of it? Won't you feel left out?"

"No. It's not like we can afford for you to go to these things all the time anyways. But once in a while yeah, this is about you so, go for it. Go and do whatever you want."

"Thank you for giving me that. I don't think I could express how much I appreciate it."

He shrugged again. "Sure whatever. I want you to be happy, you know?"

"Yeah me too," I said and reached my hand across the table and put it in his. "So what were you up to while I was gone?"

"Nothing much," he said with a frown. "You done? I'll get the check." He motioned to the waitress.

He settled the bill and we left for home. Renee was asleep on the couch when we came in. I turned off the TV and pried the empty wine glass from her hand before heading to our room.

"I kind of want to take a bath and wash the travel off me. Want to come keep me company?" I said full of hope and keeping the lust at bay. Wouldn't want to scare him off.

"Nah, I'm beat. Long day, but you go on and enjoy."

"You're not going to wait up for me? I could skip it and do a quick rinse in the shower instead."

"No, go take your bath, Belly. I'm exhausted." He stretched his arms up to take off his shirt.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he said, twisting an earplug into his left ear.

"When did you start wearing those again?" He hadn't used the earplugs since the girls started sleeping through the night.

"Um, I thought I'd try them tonight. I slept so much better when you were gone I'm thinking maybe your breathing wakes me up or something."

"Oh," was all I had to say to that. I went to the bathroom and ran the hot water dropping as many freesia sea salts in the water as I could find.

I opened up Elizabeth's novel while I cooked in the hot water and found myself enraptured in a description of the most beautiful kiss I could imagine. Her characters had been reunited after a long absence and embraced in a fury of longing. A tear rolled down my cheek and disappeared in the water.

I'd just returned from a journey that while not long in time was monumental in terms of self-discovery. I wanted nothing more than to leap into the arms of the one who loved me like no other and have him show it all to me.

I put the book on the floor and sank beneath the water letting it wash away my tears. Either that man wasn't here or I wasn't that woman to him.

* * *

**_~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for their time apart to pass quickly~~_**


	12. Reasons Why

___**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Danke schon KatieTv and SugarTits y'all are so willing to stroke my little ego and make me excited to be doing this. HUGE danke to kstewfangirl who took time out of her busy life to set me up with a blog for Tangled Up in Blue! All the chapters are there now too as well as the goodies from my profile. I think I'm also going to start posting teasers so go check it out! http(semicolon)/txbirdie(dot)blogspot(dot)com. Also, love to myfairytale life who created an uber cool twitter background for me. I have met the most awesome folks through FF and twitter, I swear!**

**I haven't mentioned in awhile that this story isn't for kidlets. You've been warned. Go on now. **

* * *

_I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too_

_Feeling this sort of a love that we once knew_

_I'm calling this home when it's not even close_

_Playing the role with nerves left exposed_

_~~Reasons Why, Nickel Creek_

* * *

_~~BPOV~~_

_Spring_

I'd like to know, who were the first parents to discover that silence denotes mischief? I'm assuming it goes all the way back to Adam and Eve. I'll bet Cain didn't make a peep when he slaughtered his brother. That's probably how he was found out. Adam turned to Eve and said, "those boys are too quiet. What do you think they're up to?" Then they wrote it in the Bible as the often forgotten eleventh commandment. It's right after keep your hands off your neighbors' shit: you shall find your children are up to no good if they've gone mute and missing.

Today's trespasses included an entire box of Rice Krispies emptied and crushed into the living room carpet, the inside of the drawers in the coffee table decorated with Crayola's finest, and a little sister being locked in a dark broom closet. All this while I dared to put away the dinosaur of laundry that was threatening to eat us alive. The culprit looked eerily proud of her misdeeds especially when I released a terrified and trembling Charlotte from the closet. It was a little creepy how Char didn't even cry out for me. I opened the door and she was just sitting there waiting. Made me wonder how many times it'd happened before. When I asked Sarah she just laughed. I reminded myself to watch her around small animals.

I don't know what we were thinking spacing our kids so that one was entering the terrible twos while the other was in the midst of the treacherous threes. I'd heard somewhere that the fourth birthday was a gift for not killing your three-year-old and at the time, as a new mother of the most angelic baby ever, I could never imagine feeling that way about her. I laughed at my naivete now.

After I got home from the conference and the dust of Grandma's departure settled, I was eager to start work on the myriad of stories floating in my head. My children, however, were eager to super glue themselves to my legs shouting demands and whining for no reason at all. Charlotte wanted to be in my lap twenty fours hours a day and Sarah insisted I spend every waking minute entertaining her. She couldn't just go play in the mudroom we'd turned into the toy room, I had to go with her. I couldn't put on a freaking video for them to watch without her begging me to stay. If I couldn't even use television as a babysitter I was screwed.

If I tried to get out my laptop, forget about it. Charlotte would arch her back and buckle her knees dropping to the floor with a howl. Sarah would come up and shut the screen on my hands every thirteen seconds until I was snapping at them both and locking myself in the bathroom for a quick cool off. I eventually gave up trying to do any work while they were awake and found myself tapping the keyboard into the dark hours of the night instead. I hadn't survived on this little sleep since Charlotte was an infant yet I was waking in the morning invigorated and ready to fill my cereal boxes with notes.

I spent the next hour vacuuming Rice Krispie dust only to have the girls empty a bucket of grass and leaves from the yard. So I gave up. We got in the car and headed to the drive-thru where I filled their bellies with grease and byproducts and came home to an early bedtime. I drew all the curtains and insisted it was night despite the lack of darkness outside. Fucking summer was right around then corner. I'd be wrestling them to bed every night since it would be light out past nine and they'd be up at the crack of five. Combine that with my late night writing sessions and I wasn't sure how I'd survive.

I flopped on the couch and watched a rainstorm pick up speed outside the window. The familiar pings against the tin on the porch roof were soothing to my frazzled nerves. My mind wandered to where it always did when I had rare moment of peace and quiet on my own. I stretched out on the couch and hugged myself remembering someone else's arms around me.

"Bella?" Jake said, coming home and startling me. "Where are the girls?"

"I put them to bed. It was for their own survival, believe me."

He laughed and hopped over the couch landing near my ankles. "Oh I believe you. Sarah answered your phone an hour or so ago. I told her to give it to you and she hung up but what I heard in the background sounded like pandemonium."

He glanced around the room his eyes landing on every task I didn't complete today. The laundry was still growing a new pile on the love seat, dirt and leaves were still scattered across the floor, toys were touching every surface that couldn't run for it's life, and if he went in the kitchen he'd know I never got to the breakfast dishes let alone lunch or the trash from dinner. The house looked pretty much like it always did these days.

"So what did you guys do today?" he asked.

I felt the annoyance prickle my skin. "I know it doesn't look like much but I did a lot today I just had two little Tasmanian devils twirling behind me and undoing it all. But it's not like I sit here all day and do nothing."

"Woah," he said, raising his hands up. "I wasn't saying that. I just wanted to know how your day was. I'm not saying a word about the house. Did you get any writing done today?"

"No!" I said and jumped up from the couch. "I didn't write when they napped because Sarah refused to sleep again for the third day this week. I didn't surf the web, I didn't even take a shower. The house looks like this because of them not me-"

"Bella, stop." He stood up with me and reached out to rub my arms. "Calm down. I'm not criticizing you."

"Then why does it feel like you are?" I yanked my arms away and stepped back.

Jake sighed and then stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out his phone. He pushed a couple buttons and brought it to his ear, "Emily? Hey it's me. Bella is a yes for the movie tomorrow and she'd love to do lunch afterwards. Keep her out as long as she wants," he paused listening to her response. "Okay. She'll see you then."

My mouth dropped open as he put the phone back in his pocket. "What was that about?"

"Emily told me to ask if you wanted to go so that new chick flick. I just made up your mind for you. You need a break. So go have a day with your girlfriends and I'll wrestle the wild beasts and whip the cave into shape." He pounded his fists on his chest in a show of prowess or something.

I gave him a peck on the lips and squeezed his arm. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"You're welcome. Hey, where are you going?"

"To shower. If I'm going out in public it'd be a good idea if I didn't smell like Tuesday morning's oatmeal."

* * *

"What's Sam doing up there?" I asked Emily as we arrived back at her house after the movie and lunch.

"Fixing the roof. It started leaking last night when that storm blew through."

"Again?" I asked, stepping out of the car. I really hoped they wouldn't have to get a new roof. They'd been saving up for Emily's plastic surgery. Not boobs or anything though we'd both confessed we wouldn't mind bigger ones, but to fix the deep scar she had on the side of her face. A new roof would obliterate those funds.

"Again? We've never had a problem with it before. What do you mean?" she said. We stopped on her lawn near my car.

"What? I thought...when I was gone Renee said Jake helped Sam with a roof repair. I meant to call you and make sure everything was okay and forgot. You just reminded me now. If it wasn't your roof then-"

"It was mine," interrupted Leah from behind us. She crossed the grass wearing shorts, a tank top and a low slung tool belt.

"Yours? You had a...leaky roof?" I said and she nodded.

"Sue did, to be exact. And with my dad gone and all, Jake and Sam were kind enough to help out. I'm returning the favor," she said motioning to her tool belt. She looked like a porn star holding that hammer and busting out of those short shorts and tight tank. _Leah Gets Nailed._

"Oh, that's nice of you." I forced myself to smile. "Guess I misunderstood Renee. Or she didn't listen to Jake. Either is entirely possible. Alright, well I better get home. I'm sure the girls have made Daddy clinically insane by now." I hugged Emily as she laughed and waved to Leah.

I glanced at the clock when I pulled into the driveway and prayed the girls were taking a late nap and not an early one. And that Sarah was actually napping. It was selfish of me but the freedom had gone to my head and I wasn't ready to give it up yet. Though I knew I should probably start tackling whatever mess they had added to yesterday's. How did single mothers do it? When there was no one to step in and take over when they needed a break?

I opened the front door to dead silence and the smell of lemon Pine-Sol. I looked down to the gleaming floor and picked up my foot. It didn't stick. He'd mopped the fucking floor. As I continued on I saw an unnerving absence of chaos and crap. There was no clutter and every surface sparkled. I ended my tour at a very satisfied Jake smiling on the couch. I frowned as he stood to kiss my cheek.

"Surprised?"

"Well, yeah. Did you recently come into possession of some magical elves I don't know about?"

"Nope."

"You did this? Today? While I was gone? Where are the girls?"

"Here silly, I just put them to sleep."

"Sarah's asleep?" I asked and he nodded. "And you did all this with them here? Charlotte didn't scream at you every time you put her down or left the room? Sarah didn't take every book off the shelf or empty the fridge and spread chocolate syrup all over the floor?"

"What? No!"

"You laugh. I'm serious. Those are the things they do to me when I try and focus on anything put the pair of them and whatever imaginary princess game we're playing. Its not fair. How come they let you get all this done and you turn out looking like a fucking superhero dad who can do it all?" My eyes welled up with tears. "Sarah's really asleep? Are you kidding me?" I wailed and collapsed on the couch.

"Shhh, Bella, you'll wake them up. What is wrong? I was trying to do something nice for you. It's Mother's Day tomorrow. I wanted to give you a break. You're acting like you're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you. I'm annoyed with you. I thought I'd come home all triumphant showing you how hard it is to be with them all day and you've shown me up. You made me look like I can't do my job for shit. How would you like it if I came down to the job site and you know, built your stuff for you but better and faster and everyone was like, damn Jake your wife is good at your job."

Jake stared agape and then broke into laughter. "You have no idea what I do at work do you?"

"No, not really but that's hardly the point." I huffed and crossed my arms but eventually found his laughter contagious. "You really weren't trying to one up me?"

"Okay, maybe a little," he admitted despite my glare. "But, I wanted to give you some time to write. I don't understand it but I'm trying to be supportive. Plus you're a lot happier when you've had time to work on your stuff."

"Oh, really? Sorry. What are you going to do?"

"I was going to head over to Sam's. His roof gave way in the storm last night. I think he could use an extra set of hands."

"Besides Leah's you mean?"

"Um, yeah," he said, shrugging. "This damage is pretty bad though, I'm really hoping we can take care of it ourselves." He walked over to the table by the door and slipped his keys and phone in his pocket before heading out.

"See you later then," I called as he left. "Don't nail anything," I whispered as the door shut.

I stretched my arms above my head and considered the possibility of writing for a couple hours. Powering the laptop up I felt that familiar tickle in my ear to break the unspoken rule. I went to facebook and typed "E.A. Cullen" in the search field. I held my breath as the fan page loaded. There were several new posts for interviews and book reviews. I moved the mouse over a video link and pressed play after a moment of hesitation. His voice filled the room and I shuddered instantly. I hit pause with shaking hands.

This was the guilty pleasure I allowed myself to indulge every few weeks. I thought of him everyday, that I could not help, but I restricted the time I spent facebook stalking him. I didn't contact him, I refused to even "like" the fan page or search out his personal one using the email address he's given on the class roster. I could tell when his "people" posted on the page and when he did it himself. His voice was that distinct and even though I knew he was writing for his thousands of fans sometimes it felt like it was meant just for me. Like last Thursday at two a.m. a post popped up that had to be him.

_There's a vase of fresh cut freesia on my desk tonight. I'm finding myself distracted, remembering where I've smelled this little blue beauty before._

I had been on at the same time scrolling through his PR photos when I went back to the main wall and saw it waiting for me. I itched to hit the "send message" button and instead I signed out and drew a bath, dumping in a newly replenished supply of salts. Joining me in the tub was the small waterproof toy I'd purchased at the Passion Party one of the girls hosted. I sloshed water all over the floor while biting my lips from screaming his name.

I reached for my earbuds and turned the volume all the way up. Settling into the couch and balancing the laptop on my stomach, I hit play again. I closed my eyes and saw him sitting across from me. Just like I'd never left.

* * *

_Summer_

"So what do you think?"

I looked around the room taking in the four poster bed, the hand strewn rose petals, the candles and bottle of champagne. I thought it was a tad cliche but after months of a fireless tundra I wasn't about to say that.

"It's amazing Jake. I can't believe you did all this," I wrapped my arms around him.

"Well like I said, it's our seventh anniversary this weekend and your twenty-seventh birthday next month. I think both are reason to celebrate."

"When did you get so sweet?"

"I've always been this sweet. Maybe you stopped noticing."

"Hmm, no. I think I'd definitely notice all this," I said, waving my hand around. "And I'm pretty sure you've never whisked me away before to a B&B for a night of wining and dining. That I would notice."

"Well I've never done exactly this before. I figured it was time to step it up a notch. Sam helped."

"I knew it! I knew there was no way you came up with this on your own." I smiled and winked at him.

"Bella," he said, taking my hands in his, "you are my best friend. You are the most amazing mother to our girls. They are so lucky to have you..." He choked up and dropped my hand to push a fist against his eye. "I wish my mom-"

"Shh, Jake. It's okay. I know, baby. It's okay."

I ran my hands down his arms and pulled him towards the bed. We sat down and he pushed his face into my chest as I held him. Jake could never talk about his mom without getting emotional and by now I was used to breakdowns during milestones or major events. I thought having the girls would help him but in a lot of ways it was worse. I felt like I was a constant reminder of the mother he didn't have.

His weight pressed against me as I held his head. His left hand moved up and down my leg and he pushed his nose into my breast. I squeaked a little as he put his mouth against my sweater covered nipple and let his hand wander beneath my dress.

"Baby, it's okay. We don't have to right now if you don't want to. I know you're upset." I dragged my fingernails along his scalp. That always calmed him down.

"I brought you here for us. I want to love you Bella." He brought his mouth to my nipple again and I stifled a moan.

"I want you to love me Jake."

"Do you?" he asked.

When I nodded yes, he stood and pushed me back on the bed. I pulled my dress and sweater over my head and lifted my mouth to kiss him as he fumbled with his jeans and shirt. Since he was distracted I used the opportunity to slip my hand inside my panties and encourage the wetness I now knew I was capable of creating. The memories hit me hard and I sucked on Jake's lip in a gasp which made him pull back a little. I refused to let him go and lifted myself again to meet him. He stood between my legs crouching over me. I wrapped my hand around his neck and pulled him down again.

It should have been easy not to fantasize about Edward while Jake's hands roamed my body. His clumsy touch was nothing like the precise lightning bolts of Edward's. Still, his were the first hands beside my own to touch me since then and after months of fantasizing I couldn't help but imagine Edward here.

Jake kneaded my breast with one hand and slipped another between my leg. "Wow Bella," he said as his fingers glided across my center.

I saw Edward lick his lips and I pushed myself onto Jake's fingers. He groaned a "holy shit," and held his hand still as I writhed against him. Edward called me Bluebell and euphoria rose in my body as I squeezed around his fingers. Jake let go of my chest to clutch his dick and move it up and down above my legs. I saw his eyes shut tight and closed my own, two could play at that game.

Edward told me how good I felt and begged me to fuck him. I reached out to Jake's hard cock, pulled myself off his hand, and slipped him in. "Shit, oh my God," he cried at the sensation his hardness and my wetness created. Edwards hand grazed my hip and I lifted my pelvis to pull Jake in deeper. "Oh fuck, oh fuck," he said starting up his jack hammer pace.

"Oh no you don't," I said and scrambled across the bed away from him.

"What? Where are you going?" he asked in a daze.

"Trust me, come here." I pulled him on the bed pushing him over onto his back.

"I don't know Be-"

"Jake, shhhh," I said, closing his eyelids with my fingertips. He stopped fighting me and I reached between us to grasp him. I teased my clit with his cock and his eyes flew open before I stretched up to shut them again. I swirled his head around my swell and Edward whispered, "_I told you I knew how to touch you."_

I let out a whimper and dropped down on his length. I used one hand for balance on the bed and the other for orgasm on my clit as I rode him. Edward smiled his twinkling cock eyed grin and I came on a whimpering and shuddering Jake.

* * *

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Edward to post facebook status updates just for you~~**_


	13. A Satisfied Mind

___**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**KatieTv, Sugartits, kstewfangirl, y'all are the best cheerleaders a girl could have, thank you! This week was again filled with readers leaving multiple reviews and some reviews that seriously touched me. Hearing y'alls thoughts on this story and especially how it personally touches is you is over the moon amazing. :) Don't forget to stop by the new blog for fun and teasers! http(semicolon)/txbirdie(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Now take look who's back to show us what he's been doing...**

_

* * *

_

_Money can't buy back_

_Your youth when you're old_

_Or a friend when you're lonely_

_Or a love that's gone cold_

_The wealthiest person_

_Is a pauper at times_

_Compared to the man_

_With a satisfied mind_

_~~Johnny Cash_

* * *

_~~EPOV~~_

_Fall_

"You're wearing that to punish me for not going, aren't you?"

"Why? You Jealous?" she said and bent over to brush away a nonexistent string just so she could stick her ass in my face.

"Try concerned for your safety. You've got nothing on besides a bikini fashioned out of police caution tape. What exactly are you supposed to be?"

"A crime scene, obviously." She stepped her leg out to do a spin and my eyes landed on the chalk outline of a dick on her thigh.

"Jesus Christ, Rose." I stretched my arms over my head and took in the tit seepage along the bottom of the tape. She had a kick ass rack.

"What? I'll be fine. I'm going to the big gay carnival. I learned long ago I couldn't turn even the cute ones straight."

"Lord knows you've tried. Well, be careful anyways. Watch out for rogue lesbians following you home."

"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, baby?" She walked to my chair and put her black high heel on the arm showing me just how bare she was beneath that tape.

"Are you sure there's no way to get you out of this?" I asked, skimming my hand up the thigh without the chalk cock and tugging on the tape.

"Wouldn't you like to know. Come with me and find out."

"I can't. Deadline. Jasper's going to take my nuts if I don't get this to my editor by Monday."

"Well fuck you then. I'm Audi 5000." She dropped her leg back to the ground and adjusted her top, if you could call it that.

The doorbell rang and our neighbors burst in before she answered it. Eric and his child lover Vasili were both dressed in some pink boy brief panty things with ruffles all over them and nothing else. There might have been shoes, I wasn't sure, I was blinded by the glitter.

"Damn Thorn, you are smoking!" Eric grabbed Rose's hand to spin her around.

He nicknamed her Thorn shortly after moving into the Spanish villa next door. He said it was because she was a 'prickly ass bitch.' He was nothing if not perceptive. Guess it came with the territory because he was the mouth behind the biggest celebrity gossip blog and he didn't miss a fucking thing. When I first heard that I flipped the fuck out, but we came to an agreement and he promised to keep his eyes and ears to himself. He was in love with Rose, in that non sexual way gays love pretty shiny girls, so he'd keep his fucking mouth shut.

"Vas, look at that ass. What I wouldn't do for an ass like that." He reached out to smack it as Vasili nodded in the background.

"Hello Mr. Edward," Vasili said in his overly formal way. He obviously wasn't a child, but his mannerisms and diminutive size were deceiving.

"Keep an eye on that ass, would you Eric? I want it returned to me untouched."

Eric made no such promises and Rose rolled her eyes. When they finally left I exhaled into the peace. Our place was always a revolving door of noise and commotion given that Rose ran her business from here. At least the nights were quiet with her out ass kissing leaving me home to write. What I really needed was to catch some fucking z's. It had been impossible to sleep around here lately with Christmas orders starting to roll in already.

I wanted to be in bed before she got home tonight but the fucking chapter notes I'd just gotten in would make that impossible. She'd fall through the door in a few hours drunk and looking to score and I just didn't have it in me now. I couldn't believe I was fucking thinking this, but screwing her was getting old. She was still bat shit crazy in the bedroom but she never wanted to fuck face to face and sometimes it'd be nice to look in the eyes of the person my dick was inside of.

Good God I was being a fucking pussy. What the fuck was wrong with me? Rose was my sexual equal in every way. When we ran into each other again, all those years after high school, I knew I'd never find another chick like her. I had it fucking made. She was hot, snarky, knew more about cars than I did, and could fuck me under the table. Sometimes literally.

I knew what the problem was. It was the same problem I'd had for months. Bella was the fucking problem. She's taken up permanent residence in my mind and there was no way I could pound the snot out of Rose while Bella was watching. Come to think of it, I was developing a sick little fetish where I had to rub one out to Bella and work her off my mind before I could even think of getting it up for Rose.

My pants tightened just at the thought and I fucking smacked my dick. _Not now._ I had an ass load of work to do. My fingers hit the keyboard instead of picking up my pen and before I knew it I was on stalkerbook typing in her name. I could almost hear the sound of twenty-five to life calling my name.

It started after I got home last spring. We hadn't agreed to it but some kind of pact was made that we wouldn't contact each other. I thought it was bullshit. I knew how to play by the rules. I wasn't going to fucking email her a photo of my cock I just wanted to know how she was doing. After a month of going crazy, I gave in and put her name in the search engine.

Words can't describe how pissed I was when I realized I could access her wall and photos and shit. She had her security settings all wrong and I made a mental note to fix it for her at the conference. Her page wasn't entirely open because I made up another account and checked. Yeah I said it, shut the fuck up, I know I'm crazy. Still, it was set to "friends of friends" which was a wide ass net. She needed to change it to "friends only." That was after I saw her again and convinced her to add me.

When I saw who our mutual friend was, I just about cut a bitch. Who the fuck would have thought that my little Bluebell would know Eric fucking Yorkie, my next door neighbor. A quick peek on Eric's page told me what I never knew before. He was born and raised in Forks until he hightailed it to the city of lights fresh out of high school. It was a small world after all. I hadn't worked up the balls to ask him about Bella yet mostly because I knew his allegiance to Rose would send up all kinds of flags.

I clicked through her recent photos adds and smiled at one of her with her daughters. She radiated from the screen and those little faces beam with love for their mama. I went back to her wall and noticed that the profile pic that started it all still hadn't changed. It was like she left it there for me.

A few months back I was stalking her page like normal in the early hours of the morning when I should have been writing. She uploaded photo of herself and changed it to her profile pic right in fucking front of me. I knocked over an entire cup of coffee in fear even though I knew she obviously didn't know I was there, watching her online.

The picture was fucking mind blowing. She was in that white dress she wore the last time I saw her and sitting in the sand. The sun lit her from behind and she was laughing at the camera like she didn't realize it was going off. It was just how I thought of her, smiling and full of life. The caption read, "Me at La Push, taken by Sarah. Not bad for a three-year-old."

I stared at it for a long time that night remembering the sound of her voice and the feel of her skin. I fucking loved the way she smelled. I couldn't figure out what it was for the longest time. It was so faint just lingering on the surface. I knew it wasn't perfume or shampoo or some shit. It was like it came from her pores. I wanted to bottle it up and rub my dick with it.

It just so happened that the cleaning ladies had refreshed the flowers that morning. When I had sat down to work Bella was all around me and I couldn't form a coherent thought to save my novel's life. I was fucking gone over flowers. What the fuck?

It was those flowers that led me to her page that night and when I saw she was online too I updated my fan page just for her. I didn't know if she'd see it, but I liked to think she would. I imagined her fiending over my page like I did hers. So I sent her a message in an internet bottle and it became the first of many.

_There's a vase of fresh cut freesia on my desk tonight. I'm finding myself distracted, remembering where I've smelled this little blue beauty before._

_Made steaks for dinner tonight. Wasn't the same without a twice baked potato. _

_It's nights like this I wish I had a hot tub._

_Clueless is on the TV. Did that chick really not know who Billie Holiday was? Damn, I just admitted I'm watching it._

My publicist was over the fucking moon, she'd been trying to get me posting on the fan page more for fucking ever. I needed to be "more accessible to my fans." What the fuck ever. There was one fan I was giving access to and that was it.

I stretched my arms out again and looked at the clock. It'd been hours since Rose left and I'd done nothing. I hadn't even moved from the dining room table to my secluded office where I could concentrate. I clicked back to Bella's wall for one last look and saw that she updated her status three minutes ago.

_Recipe for disaster: Two small worn out children hyped on Halloween. Add thirty candy bars aka one million grams of sugar. Mix with four cups of juice, one town carnival, and costumes they refuse to take off for bed. Best served with mass quantities of alcohol._

God I loved reading everything she wrote. One fucking status update and I'm grinning like a fool thinking of her all bent out of shape. I drummed my fingers on the table and went back to my news feed to type a message I hoped she would find.

_Feeling a little blue tonight and I'm fresh out of tequila. Suggestions?_

I hit the "share" button and pushed my chair back to balance on the hind legs. I waited a few beats and put in her name. Her profile popped up with a new status.

_Unfortunately a quick scour of the kitchen reveals I am without liquor unless you count the bottle of crap tequila we keep over the fridge, and I don't. I've had better and I can't go back. Suggestions?_

I knew it. I fucking knew it. "Uhhhhhh!" I shouted at the screen, "Caught you Bluebell. Caught you red handed." I went back to my page to type another message when I heard voices out the open window.

"We're almost there, honey. Just relax, that's right. Vasili! Pick up her fucking feet. I'm doing all the work here and you're letting five hundred dollar shoes drag on the sidewalk. Rose, stop touching my ass I don't care if you like the ruffles."

Yeah, that did not sound good. What the fuck was going on? I pushed away from the table and reached the door as Eric opened it. He had both arms around Rose's torso and she was total dead weight. I would have thought she was passed out if it wasn't for the barrage of giggles and her hands fingering Eric's panties.

"What the hell? What's going on?" I said and reached out to take her from them. I scooped her up like she was a virgin going over the threshold and her left boob popped out of the tape.

"Someone gave her a mint or something, I don't know..." Eric said rubbing his biceps.

"A mint? That wasn't a mint, she's-"

"Oh you have ruffles too, pretty pretty. Ruffles. Ruffles. Ruffles," Rose said, stroking my eyelashes.

"Stop it Rose, stop. Get your fingers out of my eyes."

"Fingggggers. I have pretty fingers."

"She's on E," said Eric. Tell me something I don't fucking know.

"Yeah, I got that. I can't fucking believe this. How long has she been gone?"

"I don't know man, an hour? Maybe more. I didn't realize what was going on until I saw her trying to put her hand in these guys' mouths when they were making out. She said it was a waste of a good tongue and she wanted to take them home with her. The, err, tongues not the guys. Well, maybe the guys. You know Thorn."

"She needs water," piped up Vasili.

"Oh shit. Shit. I have a fucking deadline. Okay guys, thanks for getting her home safe. I appreciate it. We'll talk to you later."

"No problem, I'm sorry Edward, I didn't know. She was fine, on good behavior and everything and wham, there she goes putting her hands up skirts and in peoples' mouths. I'll call in the morning."

Eric closed the door behind them and I carried Rose to our room and dropped her on the bed. She laughed and wiggled on the sheets.

"Okay baby, we're going to get you into bed. Can you take off your shoes?"

"Noooooo, you like it when I leave them on." She gave me a coy smile and batted her huge ass pupils at me.

I went in the bathroom and returned with a glass of water and a Tylenol PM. "Take this. It'll help."

"I don't want any more fucking mints. No mints. Mints. Mints. Minnnntssss. Words are funny."

"Yeah they are, and I promise it's not a 'mint,' it will help calm you down. Take it."

She popped the pill in her mouth and gulped the inch of water. "More agua."

"No you can't chug it, you need to sip." I bent down to take her shoes off and peeled the police tape from her skin. "Get under the covers before you get cold."

I got her beneath the blankets and she nestled in the pillows stroking her eyelashes. This was so the last thing I needed. I just blew hours of work off but there was no way I could leave her like this.

"Edward? Will you touch me?" She lifted her head to fan her hair across the pillow and I kicked off my boots and climbed in next to her. I combed my fingers through her hair and she sighed. "That makes me feel pretty."

"You are pretty."

"I know. So are you."

I laughed so she couldn't hear me and get pissed off. "Just relax Rose, take deep breaths and ride it out."

"I'm happy Edward. Are you happy?"

"Shhhh. Of course I am, baby."

"No you're not. But that's okay. Right now, I'm happy enough for the both of us."

* * *

_Winter_

"I'm not happy, Rose."

"I don't really give a rat's ass. It's what I want to do."

"I'm not going."

"Emmett's not going. I already asked. He's going to Aspen with his new girlfriend. I don't want to see that ass clown any more than you do. Problem solved, we can go."

"Why? We always go see your family in New York for Christmas. Why the fuck the sudden hankering to slum it in Forks?"

"Because! I haven't seen Alice for ages and-"

"Then why don't they come here, or we can go to Seattle. Let Alice and Jasper host the festivities."

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Your parents always have Christmas at their house."

"No they fucking don't!" I yelled, grabbing at my hair. "In my nearly thirty fucking Christmases I can count on one hand how many have been at a house. I'm not fucking going. End of story."

"For fucking fuck's sake. You act like you're allergic to the town or something. I'll give you a Benadryl. You'll be fine."

Fighting her on this was not going to work. Rose didn't lose a fight, ever. A new tactic was needed, pronto.

"Baby," I said, saddling up to her and kissing her neck, "do you really want to spend vacation in drab boring Forks, in the cold? Where you'll have to wear thermals? And sensible shoes? And listen to my sister hound you about a wedding neither of us give two shits about?"

She rolled her head to give me better access. "Not really," she said with a sigh. "I don't know how many more times I can tell her I don't care about getting married as long as I have this big ass rock on my finger."

"That's right. So why spend a week with her jabbering about tulle and peonies and shit. Let's take you somewhere that ring will sparkle."

She spun around and threw her arms up over my shoulders. Bingo.

"Where?" Here eyes were wide as she licked her lips.

"Anywhere you want. You pick."

"Edward, you are the best! I'm hitting up the faves in my travel folder right now. We better book today, don't you think? We'll have to leave next week. I'm going to need..." Her voice trailed off down the hallway as she headed for her office.

I was a golden god. I'd weaseled out of the Forks trip and made it look like I was doing her a favor. There was no fucking way I could go to Forks. I couldn't sleep at night knowing Bella was a car ride away. I'd spend the entire trip plotting ways to run into her and then pussing out because the last thing I wanted to do was mess with her life.

I powered up my laptop and stretched out on the couch. Like always I went to her page right off, it might as well been my home page, and glanced at her latest activity. There was nothing new since yesterday but the last post consisted of her kids' Christmas wish lists. I went back to my fan page to leave her a present.

_I know what I want for Christmas but it won't fit under a tree. I'll settle for the Johnny Cash boxed set. Wrap it up in blue. _

* * *

_Conference_

A hundred miles, a tank of gas, and half a pack of cigarettes separated me from Monterey. Two more hours of Bluebell on my mind instead of in front of my eyes. Rose thought I was out of my damn mind for driving instead of flying. I guess she really didn't get how much I loved my car. And I knew she didn't know I needed the miles to leave her behind. I've found a greater respect for distance when I've driven the road rather than soared above it. I shook off E.A. Cullen's skin by the time I hit Oxnard and now that I was in Cambria, I was completely Bella's Edward.

I turned the heat up and the stereo down. It was cold as fuck and my balls had crawled back up in me as protest but I didn't want to put the top up. I didn't care if it was fucking foggy and freezing. The wind blew through me and washed off the hard edges of home. It was just what I fucking needed to wake me up.

The yellow lines sailed by and I pulled into the Lodge just after two. It was later than I fucking wanted and if I missed her arrival I was going to bust some heads. I smiled for the lady behind the desk and had her fawning over me so I could inquire, without resistance, to whether or not Bella had checked in.

"What did you say her name was, honey?" She went to her computer and dropped her voice. "You know I'm not supposed to be doing this, right?" she asked with a wink.

"It'll be our secret," I said, raising my eyebrows. "It's Isabella Swan. She's in Scarlet Begonia."

Her fingers ratted the keys. "Scarlet Begonia. Oh here we go. No, she's not here yet. I have her arriving on the next shuttle though. Should be in shortly. Want to leave a message for her here?"

"No, thank you, that's okay. You've been very helpful, doll."

I made my way to the registration table to pick up my name tag and conference shit. They'd already pre-sent me the class roster and writing samples and I knew I wasn't as lucky to have Bella this time. I hadn't expected to, they offered me the big guns this go round and I was leading a workshop about manuscript preparation and self-editing. Bella wasn't at that place yet. I was alright with it, better than alright. I'd have an easier time leading the class since I could keep my dick in my pants.

"You are all set, Mr. Cullen. Remember to wear your name tag at all times and check out the updated schedule. You're aware we're mixing it up this year and having theme nights all week, not just for Friday's costume party?"

Yeah I was aware. I fucking groaned when I got the packet last month. Theme nights. Like it was fucking high school spirit week. They're lucky they didn't do a pajama day or I would have backed the fuck out all together. I didn't even own pajamas.

"Got it. I'll be gussied up for tonight's cocktail party, don't you worry," I said with a smirk. She giggled and fanned herself and I laughed. Chicks were so easy.

I slipped on the name tag and went to stuff the packet in my car. I grabbed my gray jacket and a book and went around to the the back of the building. Climbing the stairs to the patio behind the large convention room, I saw the perfect chair to set my weary ass and wait for her. I checked the doors to make sure they were unlocked and lit a cigarette.

I got through a chapter or so when I felt the air around me change. I swear to fucking God, there was a shift. I looked up to the door just as she opened it to step through. Her eyes widened when they met mine and her mouth changed from a gasp to a grin. A big ass mother fucking shit eating grin.

"You're here," she said with disbelief. "I came out to see, but I didn't think you'd actually be here, waiting."

I drank her in until I felt full and smiled. "Where else would I be?"

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_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to find Edward waiting for you, right where you left him.~~**_


	14. Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover

___**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**If you've been reading these you know who I thank. My girls are awesome. I owe them lots of boob shots in chat and a big round of drinks. I'm holding on to that kidnapping promise ladies! I also want to thank several of y'all who took the time to pimp me in your own story or on twitter, or got me validated over on Twilighted (you can read me there too now as well as check out the thread started in the Alternate Universe- Human forum). I passed 200 reviews last chapter, HOLY CRAP. I can't believe anyone wants to read this let alone tell me it's great. :)**

**So as y'alls reward for the rec'ing and the reviewing I thought you might like a little more Edward...I just couldn't get that boy to shut up! ;)**

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_I sat on a mountainside with peace of mind_

_I laid by the ocean making love to her with visions clear_

_Walked for days with no one near_

_And I returned as chained and bound to you_

_~~Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover, Sophie B. Hawkins_

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_~~EPOV~~ _

Bella's smile spread across her face and and I sat transfixed and dazzled by her glow. She fucking dazzled me. Whatever thoughts I had about this thing possibly losing its appeal after a year apart, were gone. Sure, I staked her ass online and fantasized about her bottom lip when I yanked my dick, but fantasy is one thing and reality is another. I'd worried that when I got here, reality would pale in comparison. I couldn't have had it more ass backwards.

The bizarre connection I felt to her had grown by at least a trillion degrees. It wasn't just my dick responding to her hair blowing in the breeze, her tongue poking out to lick her lips, and her sweater curving her body. Every pore on my skin opened to feel her near me.

We said nothing, just grinning at each other as the rain started to fall. A drop slid down her nose and she blinked in surprise. I jumped from my chair and pulled off my jacket to hold over her. Nobody better say shit about chivalry being dead.

I stepped into her personal space bringing the jacket behind her to tent it above our heads. She was silent as I looked down at her. The peaks of her tits pressed into my chest and my belt buckle rubbed against her stomach. Her chin was tucked down like she was afraid to look at me. I watched her chew her lip and our chests rose and fell together.

She let out a sigh and looked up to me, finally. Her gaze paused on my lips before lifting to my eyes. My heart started banging and clumping around, I thought I was about to bust my fucking aorta. I sank an eye tooth into my cheek and felt her breath on my mouth. She looked to it again and parted her lips. I moved forward by a centimeter feeling my arms shake above us.

"We should go inside," I whispered, not taking my eyes off her. She was still watching my mouth intently, following my lips and tongue as they moved when I spoke.

"We should," was all she said.

"Bella."

"Edward."

She rose on her tip toes and leaned forward slightly pushing her chest into mine. Her lips fluttered across my cheek. "It's good to see you," she said and ducked under my arm, out of our bubble, to run inside from the storm.

* * *

I dropped my bags on the bed of my room. I was fucking thrilled I got the same cabin as last year. That seemed to be their thing here, if you booked again right away you could get your favorite. It was the last one on the road through the English Garden section and I liked it's seclusion. The first time I came here, back when I was just an aspiring writer, I had a hotel like room at the main house that I shared with another guy. It was great for stumbling home drunk from the Tavern each night but not so great for peace and anonymity. Plus that guy was a real tool. Glad I haven't seen him back here.

My cabin was one of the smallest on the property with everything but the bathroom in one space. But that meant when I was laying in bed I had a fireplace on my left and a fridge on my right, just close enough so I didn't have to reach far to open it up for a beer. The bathroom was so fucking small I had to go in and walk between the toilet and shower stall just to close the door.

The piece de resistance, however, was the moss covered deck out back that housed a claw foot tub enclosed by nothing but the forest. It was the be all end all of fucking bath tubs. I spent a few hours in there last year with a bottle of wine and candles. I could have put on some Kenny G if I had any. Okay maybe not. But it was one of my new favorite places on the whole damn planet.

My pocket buzzed and I pulled out my phone. Jasper. "What up punk?"

"Not much, brother. You there yet?"

"Yeah just arrived. Getting settled. What's going on with you? Is this a friend call or a business call?"

Jasper laughed. "Business, sorry. I just got my hands on the finished draft. Wanted to know if you want a copy Fed-Exed or do you just want me to bring it to you on Saturday?"

"Dude, Saturday's fine. Now that we've mostly put that mother fucker to bed I'm in no hurry to see it again. I need a fucking break."

"I hear you. I didn't think you wanted it but I thought I'd ask."

"When do you get in again?"

"First thing Saturday morning. The agent one on one doesn't start until three so I'll be cool."

"Are you staying or leaving right after? I haven't seen you in forever."

"I wanted to ask, what do you think about me driving back with you? Alice wants to fly down to L.A. and meet us there. Spend some time with you and Rose."

"That'd be sick, Jaz. I'm down. Definitely."

"Cool, it's a plan then. I'll see you Saturday."

I tossed the phone on the bed and looked at my watch. I needed to fucking hustle to get ready for the dinner party thing. Fucking theme nights. I didn't even really get theme tonight, Rose just told me to dress up. I shook out my suit and hung it on the bathroom door frame to steam while I took a shower. I wasn't lazy, I was a champ multi-tasker.

I stripped down to step in the shower and groaned under the hot spray. I let the water work my weary neck and when I looked to my dick, I thought of Bella. I couldn't see my dick without thinking of her. I was like Pavlov's fucking dog.

I can't believe there was ever a time I thought she was ordinary even if it was just for a second. She was blow your fucking mind extraordinary in her simplicity. Like today, clad in jeans and a sweater, she was hotter than any fucking get up Rose contorted herself into. She didn't fart around with her hair or glob tons of shiny shit on her face. She just was.

I lathered the soap and gave myself a few strokes. I didn't even have to picture the girl naked to get going. She was erotic and enticing fully clothed. My grip tightened and I rolled my thumb along the edge of my shaft. The slit widened and seeped as I imagined Bella's tits pressed against me, but now without the fucking sweater. I replaced my hand with hers and watched the lust in her eyes as I pumped so hard my balls slapped my thighs. My free hand flew out and smacked the tile wall as I doubled over spraying it with my cum. I shuddered and squeezed again, milking out the last of it.

I finished showering and got dressed taking a few swings from the bottle of Jack I'd picked up at a liquor store just outside of town. Always with the Jack Daniels. But I needed it to calm the fuck down if I was going to make it through tonight with Bella. In fact, I might as well set up an intravenous drip to make it through the week.

The large dining room at the main house was packed when I finally made my way there. I could tell the voice level was at drunk already veering dangerously close to plastered. Holy fuck. I was only a half-hour past the start. How much liquor could they all consume in thirty minutes?

I looked around the room but didn't see Bella so I headed for the bar for my free drinks. I swallowed one down and asked for another sticking my finger at my throat to loosen my tie. Fucking tie, stupidest invention ever. I sucked an ice cube in my mouth and glanced around again. There was a large group of suits circled around something in the far corner and I saw Garrett's ponytail flopping at the top of one. He had his arm around a girl I'd met before but couldn't recall her name now.

Through their shoulders I saw a pale wrist flail about as laughter broke out in the group. I knew that wrist. I'd sucked salt from that wrist. I moved towards the group and heard her voice above them all.

"...such a stupid dog. Can you believe it? A chipmunk! He didn't even kill it. He just brings it in and drops it on the floor and it starts running berserk and I'm screaming, the girls are crying, the stupid dog starts barking, and the chipmunk is freaking scaling the curtains and jumping from one surface to another. I couldn't even get on a chair or something because the damn thing climbs."

The mostly male group of admirers laughed again as Bella paused to drink from her glass. Her head tilted way back and her curls brushed her shoulders to fall onto her back. Her eyes closed as she drank and when she pulled the glass away, she slid her tongue out to lick every last drop from her lips. I'd never been jealous of barware in my life. I swallowed the ice in my mouth and felt it lodge in my throat.

"So I start yelling, 'Chip! Chip! Stop it Chip!' Like the chipmunk knows the name I've randomly given him. Like he's a pet. I finally get smart and think 'hey, we've been observing this guy for months on the back deck, he's pretty smart' and I open up the patio door. He makes a freaking beeline for it straight between my legs while I nearly shimmy up the door to get away from him. Now I no longer think chipmunks are cute, my kids are afraid of them, and poor little Chip has never been seen again. He probably collapsed of a heart attack as soon as he hit the tree line."

They exploded in laughter again and another drink was handed to her by one of her suitors and I glared at him. First of all, who the fuck was he? He could be roofie-ing that shit for all I knew. And second, she was already way gone. She didn't need another drink. She smiled at him with half closed eyes and lifted a hand to finger the pearls at her neck. There was chatter in the group, mostly about the story, but it sounded like they were underwater. Everything else around me floated away in the current. I had tunnel vision straight to her.

She was leaning back in her chair, legs crossed with the top one bouncing the heel of her shoe against her foot. She smiled at me while running her fingertip around the rim of her glass. That fucking glass again. Fuck you, glass. She dipped a fingertip in her drink and popped it in her mouth. Fuck you, drink. Fuck everything she touches that isn't me.

I didn't move toward her, instead I drank from my glass and glanced around the room. All I saw were spots.

"Edward," she called to me.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Come here."

"You come here."

She glanced to Garrett who had his mouth on his very pregnant companion, and Benito who's head was ducked with the poster boy for metrosexuals. Or homosexuals. Shit, I could never fucking tell the difference. She pushed off the table with a wobble and threw out her other hand to balance herself. How many fucking drinks did these motherfuckers pour in her?

She took a few steps to me and I made a few to her. Before we met in the middle I whispered, "Let's get the fuck out of here, Bluebell," and she blushed and nodded. "Tavern, five minutes," I said.

She moved for the ladies room and I slipped out a patio door unnoticed. I entered the empty bar and waved to James while heading to the familiar dark corner at the back.

"Well if it isn't my favorite customer. Good to see you, what'll it be?"

"A double Crown and Coke and just a Coke."

"You got an invisible friend I don't know about? Or is that tasty little snack going to be joining you again?"

My eyes narrowed as I said nothing. James cocky grin wavered. "Just get the fucking drinks and mind your own business, barkeep."

Bella opened the door and stumbled in, shoes in hand. She gave a lazy smile to James as she crossed over to me and plunked the shoes on the bar. She reached for her drink and grimaced as she swallowed.

"What is this?"

"A Coke."

"Just Coke?"

"Yes, Bella. I think you're good."

"No, sorry. This is the first night I've had without my sticky fingered entourage in months. I want another drink."

She leaned forward on the bar until her bare feet hung in the air and dumped the glass half out in the sink below her. James appeared and filled it with Crown despite my glare. She drank greedily and smacked her lips.

"How are your kids?"

"Why the hell are you asking about my kids?"

"You brought them up."

"Did not."

"Then whose sticky fingers were you talking about?"

She stuck her tongue out at me and ran her fingers through her hair. They got stuck half way down in the hair-sprayed curls. She tugged with little success and I reached out to untangle her ring from her hair.

"That freeze dried wackaloon from last year showed up at my cabin to play beauty parlor. Lucy or whatever. I was already too buzzed to argue so I let her." She touched the ruffles of her green dress. "What the hell is with these themes?"

I laughed. "I don't know but I'm planning to skip most of them. Are they trying to torture us?"

"No shit. I think we're the only ones that feel that way though, everyone is all excited about what they're wearing. Garrett can't wait for Studio 54 night."

"Who's that girl with him?"

"Kate Travel Adventure, you know her. They met here last year and got married a few weeks later in Peru. She's due next month."

"You're shitting me. No kidding? Good for him. I never thought that old bachelor would settle down."

Bella laughed and nodded. "Yeah well, he said she was all he could think about. I guess when you know, you know." She reached for her drink and chugged without looking at me.

"Is that how it works?"

"I wouldn't know," she said, glancing down. "So what is going on with you. Your next book is due out soon, right?"

"Yeah, this summer. We're doing a pretty big tour. Bigger than before. I can honestly say...I'm not looking forward to it one fucking bit. What about you? What's new?"

"I don't want to talk about me," she said with a shrug. "I'm fine, the kids are fine, blah blah blah."

"You haven't posted on your facebook page much. And by the way, you need to change your fucking settings. Any creep could watch you on there."

"Like you?"

"I'm not a creep. But yes."

"How could you see my page anyways? I thought you were leaving me messages on yours but I didn't realize you could see mine until Halloween."

"Eric Yorkie is my neighbor."

"Shut up," she said, smacking the bar. "What are the odds of that?"

"I know right? I couldn't make that shit up."

We grinned at each other unaware of James approach. "Can I get you a refill?" he asked.

"Let's do shots," Bella said and I groaned.

"Shit Bluebell, you are relentless. What do you want?"

"A Screaming Orgasm," she said, looking in my eyes with a smirk. "I'd actually like several Screaming Orgasms."

"Oh I'll give you a Screaming Orgasm, in fact I'll make it a double." James winked and reached for a cocktail shaker.

Good fucking God this girl was going to kill me. Where did she get off getting so drunk and fucking saucy? I could barely see straight with sober Bella or keep my dick in my pants with buzzed but responsible Bella. Drunk balls to the wall Bella was going to do me in.

She downed the shot and then another. Several more later she was squinting at the jukebox and swearing when she kept hitting the wrong keys. We were forced through _Achy Breaky Hear_t and _Boot in Your Ass_ before I rescinded her right to pick the songs.

"It's not my fault!" she cried as I grabbed her wrist away from the keys. Her skin glowed blue from the flashing jukebox light. "My fingers have minds of their owns. They keep picking this shit. I can't help it."

"Well tell your fingers to knock it the fuck off. You show me what you want and I'll put it in."

Bella smirked at the double entendre and moved to point to her choice of song. I still hadn't dropped her wrist so my arm moved with her. _F-7_. I kept my fingers around the narrow joint feeling her veins throbbing beneath my thumbs, and moved her hand to the buttons. She kept her pointer finger out and I pressed it into F and then 7. She smiled up from her eyelashes and wrapped her wrists around my neck as the song began to play. My grip loosened and my hand fell down her arm.

"What do you say to a little sex on the beach?" she whispered, moving her hips slightly to the music.

"I say, no more shots, Bella. You've got your toe on a line."

She snorted. "Maybe I wasn't talking about shots."

"Maybe we should get you out of here before we make any regrets."

"I thought you said I'd never be a regret," she said with a pout.

"I said you could never be a mistake. Not the same thing."

"So you could regret me."

"No. But I could regret you happening the wrong way." I lifted both hands to her wrists and pulled her from my neck. "Let's get you to your room."

She wiggled from my grasp. "James, Sex on the Beach for everyone!"

"We're the only ones here."

"Huh, you're right. That'll keep the bar tab low."

I followed her to the bar where she choked back the shot and swayed. James swiped the glasses and pointed to the clock before wiping the bar.

"We're only open until eleven during the week, guys."

"We were just leaving," I said.

"No we weren't! One more James? Make it a big one," she begged as he laughed and complied.

She turned to me and closed one eye, the little pirate. "Ahh, that's better. Now I can see you, Black Honey."

"What?" I said with a laugh.

"You always wear black and you're covered in honey." Her fingertips reached out to stroke my sideburns. "Black Honey."

"I don't always wear black."

"Yes you do. And I thought you didn't like black." She wagged her finger at me.

"I don't like black ink. You should talk by the way. You always wear blue."

"I do? No I don't. This is green," she said with a clumsy twirl.

"Even when you don't wear all blue, you sneak it in somewhere." My hand went to the dangly blue and green earrings near her neck. I grazed her throat and she shivered under my touch.

"Is that why you call me Bluebell?"

"Partly," I admitted. "Come on, I'll walk you back to your room."

"Only if you promise to pour me a drink once we get there."

"I am not sober enough to drive your ass to the ER for a stomach pump."

"Fine, I'm sure you can find other ways to entertain me."

_Shit_. If she was going to keep coming onto me like this I was going to have a hard time resisting. I had nowhere near the self control she exercised last year. I guess it was my turn this time and I needed the blood in my head and not in my pants.

I helped her with her shoes and put my hand on her back to lead her out of the bar and we didn't speak once we hit the dark. It was only a few minutes walk to the cabin and I was bummed when we reached the porch.

"Come in? For a little bit?"

_How could I say no? _

"Okay."

She giggled at nothing and ran into a chair. "I think I should sit."

"Good idea. Bella, what's going on with you?" I asked as we both sank to the couch.

"I don't know what you mean," she said frowning.

"Yeah you do."

"I don't want to talk about it, Edward. I just want to forget it all."

"What?"

"Just stop, please? There are far better things we could do with that mouth of yours."

She was crawling across the couch to where I sat stunned. She was going to kiss me. And I was going to be a gentleman and turn her down. Fuck me.

"Woah, wait Bella, no. We can't do this."

"Why the fuck not?" she cried. "Because I'm in a sham of a marriage? I think that's all the more reason why we should."

"Sham of a marriage? What is going on?"

She dropped back on her seat and her hands fell to her lap. "He's having an affair."

"What? Oh God. I'm so sorry." The fucking cunt ass son of a bitch. I'll hunt him down and feed him his balls through his nostrils.

I reached for her hand but it flew to her mouth before I made contact. She sprang from the couch and ran through the open door behind her. I heard her wretch repeatedly and grimaced. The sound of the sink went on and off a few times and I went to her room and waited near the bed.

She emerged in a tank top and cotton shorts, her face freshly scrubbed but a sallow shade of green. She gave a meek smile and climbed across the bed to fall on the pillows. Even freshly puked she turned me on.

"Oh my God. I haven't blown chunks like that in years. I'm so sorry," she mumbled in the pillows face down.

"No apology necessary, are you okay?" I winced at her blackened feet.

"I am now that I brushed and downed Listerine. I can't taste alcohol or puke anymore so I'm good. I just hope I don't burp." She rolled over part way to look at me through her hair as I chuckled.

"Hey, don't take this the wrong way but your feet are disgusting."

She raised her head and bent her knee to lift her foot and look at it. "Oh gross. I can't get up, I'll puke," she whined.

"Hold on," I said and went to the bathroom. I grabbed a bar of soap and two towels wetting one with warm water. "I'll do it," I said, going back in the room.

Her eyes were closed and she was breathing softly. "You'll wash my feet?" she said with a smile, her voice full of sleep.

I reached out to take her little foot in my hand and smoothed the dry towel out on her bed. I squeezed water from the other towel on her and soaped up her foot, washing away the muck she collected along the way. I took all the darkness, all the black dirt, onto my hands and made her clean.

"Thank you," she sighed as I rubbed her foot one last time.

I went to the bathroom to scrub up and when I came back she was passed out above the blankets. I tucked her beneath the covers and smoothed the wayward curls from her face. She turned her face into my hand and I held her cheek for a minute before bending over and breathing in her scent. The flowers took the edge off, but now I needed my fix of pure Bella.

She sighed a little and her breath deepened. I watched her closed lids as I leaned closer. I hovered above her mouth before pressing my lips to hers, softly and only for a second.

"Dream of me, Bluebell," I whispered in her ear.

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**_~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Edward to tuck you in at night.~~_**

**Remember to check out the story blog at http(:/)txbirdie(.)blogspot(.)com where I post teasers and polyvores for the chapters**

**Also, I'm so excited to be a part of a new corner of the fanfic smut loving universe. Come join the party at www(.)thefich00rconfessional(.)com. Come confess _your _sins, it's anonymous!**


	15. Right or Wrong

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**KatieTv, Sugartits, kstewfangirl, I don't want to live in a world where you don't exist. Thank you for the fan girling and the laughs. To my readers, reviewers, and rec'ers I just posted last chapter that I'd passed 200 reviews and now y'all have me close to 300. If I pass that this chapter I may die of happiness. Love and thanks to all y'all.**

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_I don't know just why_

_I can't get you off my mind_

_No matter how I try_

_Right or wrong_

_~~Right or Wrong, Emmett Miller and the Georgia Crackers_

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_~~BPOV~~_

Sunlight burned through my eyelids and I opened my mouth to groan. I ran my tongue along the roof trying to scrape away the essence of dirty sock that was hanging on. Reaching for the glass of water I always put on the nightstand, I struggled to sit up on my elbows. Everything hurt and there was no glass of water. Come to think of it, I didn't remember coming to bed last night.

I cracked open my eyes and glanced around the room. I pulled back the covers and stepped to the floor. My feet felt like I'd walked on glass all night. I ignored the prickles climbing my calves and went to the bathroom to unwrap a plastic cup and drink away the sock. I filled and drank and filled again. I turned to go back to bed and saw two folded up towels on the edge of the tub. One of them was covered in black streaks.

_Oh my god._

_Oh. _

_My. _

_God._

Pieces of last night assaulted my memory and I half-ran/half-crawled to the bed to bury my head beneath the blankets. Please, please tell me I did not get drunk and come onto Edward. That I did not bring him back here, fall over the furniture before puking, and let him wash my feet as I laid face down and nearly passed out on the bed. Kill me now. I whined into the sheets as a knock came on the door.

"Bella, are you up? You're going to miss breakfast." Zafrina cracked open the door and stuck her head inside.

"I can't eat," I said from beneath the sheet.

She crossed over to the bed and pulled at the blankets by my feet until they slid off and revealed my face "A big old plate of grease is what you need right now to soak up whatever is left in your belly."

"Oh God, Z. Shut up. You're going to make me throw up."

She went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. "You can not spend all day in lectures on an empty hungover stomach. Get your ass in gear."

"Fine," I grumbled, climbing out of bed.

"Was it worth it?" she asked, handing me a towel.

"No."

"It never is." She closed the door behind me and let me scrub off the embarrassment in peace.

* * *

I sat at a table in the dining room listening to Zafrina and her friends in an involved debate about neo-feminism. It was way too early for this level of intellect and there wasn't enough coffee in all of California for me to tolerate it.

The back of my neck tingled and I glanced over my shoulder to see Edward watching me in that way he does that would be creepy if it was anyone else. He knitted his eyebrows together in concern as I gave a weak smile. Facing him after everything that happened last night was worse than listening to whether or not celebs going sans panties had the same effect as Gertrude Stein burning her bra.

I headed to the buffet line to refill on bacon and felt him follow me.

"Are you okay?" he whispered as I loaded my plate.

"Apart from sheer mortification an a headache to rival an MSG binge, yeah I'm okay."

"I'm not just talking about last night.

"I'm not going to talk about that here or now."

"When then?" He reached out to my hand but caught my wrist instead as I replaced the lid.

"Oh God. Listen. I'm sorry I got drunk and way inappropriate last night. I was looking for an escape but I've just made myself feel worse. I wanted to leave what was going on at home, at home. But I broke down, I needed to talk to to someone about it. Because in my real life, there is no one. I shouldn't have dumped that on you and you don't have to get involved."

"I'm already involved," he said pressing his fingertips into my skin where he had cuffed me like a bracelet. "I want to know what's going on Bella. I need to know you're okay."

His thumb slid up my wrist to press into my palm and circle the flesh. My mouth dried instantly as I struggled to swallow.

"I'm fine. I promise. Can we talk about this later?"

"Alright, but remember. You're out of get out of jail free cards. I want the whole truth. When is your last class?"

"I'm only doing a few this time. My last one is out at three."

"Remember where I parked last year?" he asked and I nodded. "Meet me there when you get out."

He dropped my hand after one less press into my palm and I returned to the table as he disappeared from the room.

"Sorry, no. The glorification of underage girls' sexuality is not feminism. Not when it's done to feed the appetite of men three times their age. We aren't breeding new feminists, we're creating new pedophiles." Zafrina's hand slammed on the table and I turned around to go back for more coffee.

My morning lectures were just what I needed to take my mind away from everything that was wrong to focus on everything that was right. One of the leaders had asked for writing samples prior to class and already had feedback for us on day one. His praise gave me a high that sailed me through lunch and the afternoon and before I knew it I was headed to the back parking lot to meet Edward.

He leaned against the door to his car, smoking and staring at the ocean. The top was down and the radio played an old crackling jazz ballad that I recognized but couldn't finger. He was in those dark cuffed jeans again and a plain white tee having lost the dress shirt from this morning. He smiled while patting the back of his gelled hair as he heard my steps across the blacktop, and turned to open the door. I felt like Peggy Sue heading to the malt shop.

He started the engine and turned over his shoulder to back out. As soon as his eyes brushed across me I flushed and clutched my notebook to my chest. I imagined my skirt to have a poodle and my sandals as saddle shoes. I wondered if we'd drive out to the point and neck. The heat rose in my body again as I thought about myself in the backseat with him and I cleared my throat thinking of something safe to say.

"Where are we going?" That was safe enough.

"Lover's Point."

_Okay, maybe not._

"What?" I said with a stupid nervous giggle.

"It's a park in Pacific Grove. Best views on the entire coast. You'll dig it. Promise."

A park, I could do a park. It was daytime, they're would be children and no necking. I could handle this. I leaned back in my seat and looked up to the sky. The trees formed a ceiling above us where I could just see the blue pinpricking through the leaves. We reached the main road outside the Lodge but rather than heading for the freeway, he followed the ocean to town.

The town itself could not have possibly been real. Picturesque was a mild description. Every house was an impeccably restored Victorian with green carpeted lawns and flowers blazing. We passed a dozen bed and breakfast inns, quaint shops and cozy restaurants before pulling into a parking spot near a cliff top park overlooking the crashing waves and Monterey Bay.

"You have got to be kidding me. Places like this don't exist anywhere but the movies." I reached for my door handle but Edward had already jumped over his closed door and jogged around to open it for me.

"So I was right. You like it."

"I love it," I breathed, taking his hand to step out.

He didn't let go of my hand and I was rocked with the realization that he didn't have to. No one knew us here. Everyone that did was back at the Lodge distracted by lectures. I looked down at the knot between us and smiled. He squeezed my hand and led me to a small snack shack.

"Coffee?"

"Yes, please," I said, glancing at a menu that would rival Starbucks. "Just a big black one."

"You've got it. Two black coffees, please." He gave our order and reached for his wallet with his free hand even though it would have been easier to drop mine instead. I pulled back a little, taking him with me. He wasn't letting go. He flipped open the wallet and brought our hands over to slide out a bill. He waved away the change and we reached for our cups with our unencumbered limbs.

I followed him to a bench near the edge, close to the water and away from the crowd. We sat together slurping coffee and not rushing the silence. He dropped my palm, for only a moment, to weave our fingers together.

"So, tell me what happened."

"Just like that. I have to dive right into it?"

"Sorry, I warned you there would be no free passes."

I sighed and squinted into the ocean. I let my eyes relax on that place where blue meets blue and found the peace between breaths. He waited patiently for me to begin.

"I don't know where to start. The beginning, obviously, but I'm not even sure when that is. I've spent a lot of time examining my marriage, looking for the chip in the glass that started the ugly crack. But the whole damn windshield is so full of dings I can't tell intact from broken anymore."

He winced and I paused to take a long swig from my cup.

"So this isn't new information? Bella, why didn't you tell me before?"

"Last year I guess I was still in denial. I'd had my suspicions but I just couldn't let myself believe them to be true. But I've known something was going on with Leah for awhile. When Sarah was a baby I caught them kissing. They didn't see me, I don't know how because I stood there for a full minute in shock. I didn't even think it was him at first. I never knew he was capable of...anyways, I put it out of my head. Told myself it was a one-off or that my hormones were playing tricks on me. I wrapped myself up in my children and being a mom so I wouldn't have to see."

I stopped again and closed my eyes to find composure.

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you," I whispered before finding it in me to go on. "So they kissed and who knows what and I pretended it was nothing all the while not noticing the little ways she weaseled into my life."

"Like what?"

"She's just always _there_. In every little way. She's on the phone or at his work, she constantly needs help with repairs at her house or her mom's house because her dad is dead, she's at every function we go to, she's fucking buried herself under my nail like a thorn. Do you know he got me a puppy for Christmas? That was my gift, not the girls, mine. He gave me another thing to take care of and pick up after, as a gift. I would have preferred a kitchen appliance, at least they don't shit in the house. And it wasn't just any puppy, it was hers. Her hairball wolf dog had a litter close to Christmas and he brought her into my house. I have to look at her everyday."

"Geez. So if you've known but pretended you didn't, what changed?"

"The writing is just on the wall. I'm embarrassed it took me so long to see it. And to be honest. I'm not sure it's just her. There's been times when he's M.I.A. and I find out she's somewhere he's not. I used to think it was just her and now I don't know."

"Fuck. What are you going to do? Or have you done?" He rubbed the back of his neck and frowned.

The question I didn't know how to answer.

"I've done nothing. He doesn't know I know. I figure this probably is not what you want to hear, but what can I do? I don't have a ton of options. I have no money and zero work experience besides a few summers at the local sporting goods store and an internship at the library. There are little to no jobs in Forks and I can't leave and go somewhere else because of the girls. He's an amazing father and I can't take that away from him or them even if I am hurt. Besides all this, he's not a bad husband. He doesn't beat me or belittle me we get along just fine and, really? His philandering doesn't change that much. He hasn't wanted me in a long time and I gave up on trying."

"You're not to blame, don't do that."

"I am to blame, partly. It's never any one person's fault. Or it's no one's fault. Who do you blame when two people both fall out of love with each other? He might be messing around but I've made myself unavailable."

"How?"

"When I had Sarah I threw myself so wholeheartedly into being a mother I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to being a wife. And then I blamed him when he couldn't see me that way anymore."

"That's still not your fault, Bella. He should be able to accept your dual roles."

I shook my head. "It goes so much deeper than that, he's got mommy issues I've asked him to go into counseling he freaks out at the thought. The way I see it is it's not as bad as it could be. For now that is where I have to be. I am a mother and my girls will always come first."

"Do you worry you're doing them a disservice giving them a bad marriage as a role model?"

"They don't see the bad, Edward. They're too little for that. They need their dad more than I need to leave. And I don't want to be on my own. I don't want to do this alone. I'm being selfish for so many reasons."

"You're being nothing but selfless putting them before your own happiness."

"Truthfully, I'm not entirely unhappy. My ego hurts more than my heart. That's sad, huh? I'm learning I need to find my happiness elsewhere. I need to find it in myself. That's what this is all about. This conference and working on my writing has been my lighthouse. I can see through the dark now."

He pulled our hands into his chest and wrapped his arm around me tucking my head beneath his chin. "You might be the strongest person I've ever met."

I shook my head against his chest, dizzied by his scent. "No way. There's people out their fighting diseases, or searching for missing children or grieving those taken too soon. Those are bigger fights than mine."

"But I don't know them. I know you and your strength and I'm amazed." His thumb locked under my chin as he lifted my face to look at him. Our hands were still pressed between our hearts. "Tell me something, Bluebell and I'll only ask it once."

"Yes?"

He held my gaze for a long time before continuing. His eyes darted back and forth across mine like he was searching for the answer to the question he hadn't asked yet. His heart thudded against my wrist.

"Is this thing between us your way of getting back at him?"

"Edward, no. This isn't about revenge or redemption. Whatever this is between us has nothing to with him. I didn't mean to bring this here, you were just the only person I could talk to about it. I can't let my family or friend's opinion of him be tainted."

"Why not?"

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes again. It would be easier to say without him watching.

"Honestly? What vow has he broken that I haven't wanted to? If sin is sin and thinking is no different than doing, then I am no better than him." I opened my eyes to Edward. "If I'm already damned then why can't I at least enjoy the sin I've already committed in my head a thousand times before?"

I looked down to our hands and back up to him a he lifted his thumb from my chin and rubbed it across my lips, stopping to press into the fullness of the center. His eyes went back to swimming in mine.

"O then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do," he whispered, his breath mixing with his thumb on my lips.

He pressed our hands to his chest as we moved to each other, inch by inch. I watched his mouth move closer and then lift to softly kiss my forehead like the night I had denied him of anything more. I lifted my free hand to his arm and pulled his thumb away. It dragged on my bottom lip, refusing to let go.

"Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purg'd." I lifted my mouth to his, feeling his smile.

"That's my line," he said in exhale.

"Then make your move, Romeo."

He waited a second and no longer before closing the distance between our mouths and laying his lips on mine. My heart dropped from my chest to land on the ground beneath us as our arms tightened around our bodies. We opened together, letting our tongues dare to enter each other. They met in the middle savoring the other with each stroke before pushing past, eager to devour all that was offered. The pace rose and fell with the rhythm of the waves and I found myself breathless but refusing to let him go. In reluctance he pulled away, gasping for breath and leaving kisses along my cheeks, neck and ear while we both wheezed.

"Give me my sin again," he begged. He clutched my hand to his heart, nearly crushing it in earnest, and I gave him my mouth with equal force, again and again.

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**_~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Edward to take your sin again.~~_**

**Hey y'all! Couple things I wanted to share with you, Tangled up In Blue was nominted for two Bring Me To Life Awards! If you'd like to vote for it please head over here www(dot)bringmetolifeawards(dot)weebly(dot)com. And tell you friends :)**

**A great conversation about TUiB has started up over on the Twilighted AU-All Human forum. Sunfeathers and buffbronze are keeping the conversation going but I'm sure they'd love your input! **

**Also, have y'all peeped in on www(dot)thefich00rconfessional(dot)com yet? There are all kinds of goodies over there including a brand new smut clip review out soon (we perviously drooled over pieces of The Guardian and First Edition). If you haven't been, you don't know what you're missing!**


	16. Come On Get Higher

___**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either.**_

**Flowers, chocolates, and beers to DrunkNessie (the beta formerly known as KatieTV) Sugartits and Bluebell (;) kstewfangirl). Thank you to SYTYCW for putting my story up on their blog under Undiscovered Gems and to wandb for rec'ing me on weekly pwns on the fictionators blog. And because of y'all and new readers who reviewed multiple chapters I _soared _past 300 reviews last chapter. I am literally at a loss for words Not completely however, I did manage to get this chapter out for you. Thank you, thank you!**

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_Come on get higher_

_Loosen my lips_

_Faith and desire_

_In the swing of your hips_

_Just pull me down hard_

_And drown me in love_

_~~Come On Get Higher, Matt Nathanson_

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_~~BPOV~~_

"Oh shit. Edward, oh God. Stop, we need to go..." I mumbled into his mouth.

"You really want me to stop?" he whispered back, running his fingertips up and down my sides.

"You have to," I said with a shiver. "We're supposed to be at the main house."

"Stupid theme nights." He scowled before leaning back in for another kiss.

We'd left the park after a late afternoon heat wave struck and the grass crowded with families. He walked me to my cabin and when we discovered it empty, followed me inside. No sooner had I shut the door to my room did he have me up against it and his tongue back in my mouth. An hour later, I cracked open an eye and saw the time on the alarm clock near the bed. I hadn't made out like this since high school and I'd forgotten what I was missing.

His hands were on the bones of my hips, his thumbs currently tracing their lines as my knees knocked together. He left my mouth again for a moment to chuckle against my neck as I moaned and then took my ear into his mouth biting it gently. I squirmed against him and felt his hardness through his jeans and my skirt. I brushed past it again and it moved, pushing forward trying to free itself. I loved having this effect on him. I lifted my leg slightly running my knee against the inside of his thigh.

"Fuck, Bluebell. God you taste just like I thought you would." He brought his mouth back to mine and ran his tongue across my lips. "You're right. We need to stop." He put his hands on each side of my head and pushed off the door.

"We are so late. It'll just take me a minute to change. Do you want to come back for me or meet me there?"

"Meet you there. I have a feeling if I come back for you, we won't leave."

"No we won't, especially not after you see my get up."

"Bella," he groaned, "don't tell me I'm going to be beating them off with a stick all night."

I smiled and gave him a wink and he groaned again. "Now scoot, I need to change and so do you."

Rather than opening the door behind me, he waltzed over to the patio door on the other side of the bed and looked back at me with a grin.

"Where are you going?"

"My cabin, it's just over there," he said, pointing through the glass.

I walked over and looked out past his finger. A small meadow separated my back door from his front. "That's you? Why didn't you tell me before?"

"What? And risk you sneaking over in the middle of the night? I shouldn't have told you now."

I smirked and swatted his arm. "Me? How I can trust that you won't be opening this door tonight? I better lock it."

He put his lips to my cheek and whispered in my ear, "there are not enough locks in the world to keep me out."

* * *

"Bella! Aloha Wahine!" Garrett took off his sunglasses and shook his coconut bra at me. He stood beneath a cardboard palm tree with a monkey climbing it's trunk. I wasn't aware Hawaii had a monkey population but whatever.

"What are you wearing? And how do you know Hawaiian?" I took in his floral sarong, Puka shell anklet and flowered flip-flops.

"You don't like my co-co-nuts?" He reached up to grab them in mock surprise. "I spent eight years on Oahu when I was a kid, my dad was stationed there."

"No way, you're a military brat? What does he think of the ponytail? Never mind the bikini."

"He makes me use the side door," he said with a laugh, wrapping his arm around Kate. She was in a matching coconut top and short sarong tucked under her round belly. Rather than be bare the swollen skin was painted as an ocean sunset.

"You look adorable, Bella," she said.

I glanced down at the long grass skirt and knotted Hawaiian shirt. I'd put a fake anklet lei around my right ankle and hibiscus behind my ear. My bikini top was under my shirt but there was no way I was prancing around half naked despite the fact that everyone else was.

"Thank you, so do you! Look at your beautiful belly!"

"Garrett did it. Isn't it gorgeous?"

"It is. How are you feeling?"

"Surprisingly, pretty great. I can't believe he'll be here next month. We are so excited." She glanced up to Garrett and they beamed at each other. "I am getting a little scared for the delivery. I keep telling myself that women do it everyday."

"They do. And it's not the worst form of torture ever because you know there's an end to it and the best reward ever. Don't try and be all brave about it either. With my first one I was thinking 'women in the world squat babies out in fields and go right on working I don't need any stinking drugs.' Ha. I made it eight hours and gave up on it. Then I was just fine. I didn't mess around the second time, got the drugs before they'd even slapped the bracelet on me."

"I'm doing a home birth with a midwife so no epidural for me!"

"Oops. Well then, it was a piece of cake. You won't feel a thing. Just breathe and chant and all that."

Kate smiled a naive my-birth-will-be-different smile. "Tell me something, how is it being a mom?"

"You want the answer I'm supposed to give because you're all glowy and imagining a cherubic angel, or the truth?"

She laughed. "The truth, of course."

"The truth? It's the most amazing thing in the world. You're going to love it."

She glowed again and leaned against Garrett's chest. He winked at me and reached down to rub her stomach. Benny and the ridiculously pretty boy he'd been hanging out with walked over and handed me a fruity drink.

"Oh, no thank you. Sorry, I drank enough for the whole trip last night."

"Mija, you were hysterical. And then, poof, you disappeared. Where were you off to?"

"Just turned in early before I could make too much of an ass of myself." My fingers rant through my hair and I hoped I sounded believable.

"Not possible," Garrett said, "you were on fire!"

"She is smokin', isn't she?" his voice said from behind.

I felt his hand on my back as he reached around to take the drink I'd just refused. His touch left me as he stepped forward to introduce himself to Benny's friend.

"Hello, I don't think we've met. I'm Edward."

"Caius Historical Fiction, nice to meet you. I'm actually a big fan."

Edward smiled at him but I saw his back tense. "Really? That's great, thank you. Garrett, I ran across one of your poems in a magazine when I was traveling over Christmas. Well done, my friend."

"Thank you, thank you. Kate's actually got a book coming out this fall about our travels last year. I'm so proud of her."

We all turned to a blushing Kate. "Well, when I was doing research on our next trip up north I found an amazing short story about Native American legends written by our own Bella Swan."

My turn to redden. I glanced up and saw Edward looking at me in shock. I hadn't told him yet about the small local publication that printed my story.

"I bought Benny's last book for my kids and they loved it. Sarah can't believe I know the guy who wrote it. You'd think I told her I knew Mickey Mouse."

"That's nice to know your daughters have taste. I wish everyone else felt that way." Benny grimaced as everyone laughed.

"It's not an easy market, mi amigo, I've said that for years. So saturated." Garrett clapped him on the back.

"Yeah, yeah. I know. But it's what I love. Who writes to be rich anyways? Edward withstanding of course."

Edward rolled his eyes at their laughter and sucked down his drink. "Benny, I told you ages ago that screenplay you wrote was off the chart. Get your ass to L.A. and sell that mother fucker."

"Maybe I will," Benny mused," but I want to hear more about Bella's story. Why didn't you tell us?"

I shrugged and wished I had a drink to fiddle with. "Oh I don't know, didn't seem like that big of a deal."

"Was it your first time in print?" Garrett asked.

"Yeah."

"Big deal then," Caius said. "The first time I made it to print, I framed that sucker and hung it on my wall. And my mom's wall, and my grandma's and my dry cleaner's..."

"You guys have to read it, it was beautiful," Kate gushed. "Your imagery was incredible. I was so moved by the wolf fable."

"Was it the rest of the piece from last year?" Edward asked quietly.

I nodded as our eyes locked. I felt the heat from his gaze and my stomach turned over. I couldn't concentrate while I thought of all the places his mouth had been not half an hour ago. I felt the buzz of him against my skin and between my legs.

"Then I can't wait to read it. Kate is right, it was breathtaking." He was still focused on my face though the conversation had moved on.

"It was your class that gave me the courage to submit it."

"You did not need my tutelage, your voice was decipherable from the start." He stepped to me and removed the flower from my ear. "This goes on your left ear. When it's worn on the right it means the girl is looking for love. The left is closer to the heart and shows she's taken." He tucked it behind the correct ear and ran a single finger tip down my cheek.

I struggled to swallow and was relieved when Aro approached. Taking the opportunity to go unnoticed, I slipped out one of the back doors to find some air that wasn't saturated with his scent.

On the patio I could see the place where he waited for me yesterday, the spot where I thought I might kiss him and then backed out. I had imagined kissing him a thousand times this past year, wondering if when I had the chance, I'd really do it. Now that I had, I couldn't imagine stopping.

The memories and the unseasonably warm temps outside were having the opposite effect and I felt hotter than I had before. I reached for the door handle and realized it had locked behind me. I did not want to embarrass myself by knocking on the door and I doubted they'd hear me over the music anyways. Glancing to my right, I saw a long hallway of hotel room doors that I knew would take me to a doorway to the main living room. I set off down the dark walkway wishing again that I had a drink. Edward had sucked me dry.

A mechanical humming buzzed ahead where I found a nook for an ice machine. I opened the front and stuck my hand in for a piece. It melted instantly and I reached again for more as a hand slid up by back and circled around my neck.

"Interesting place to sneak off to, Bluebell. I'm fairly certain they had ice inside."

I smiled at the machine. "Are you following me?"

"So what if I am?" He let go of my neck to brush my hair to the side and place a kiss in the middle. Despite the freezing cold air blast on my front, I was molten.

I popped the ice in my mouth savoring the coolness against my tongue and Edward's left arm slid around my waist pulling me into him. His right hand produced a chunk of ice and slid it up my arm, over my shirt, around my front and across my lips. I licked and sucked it from his fingertips before he pushed it in and pulled it out again, taking it from me. The ice traveled down my neck to the hollow between my breasts where it evaporated at once.

He spread the droplets across my flushed skin and teased the edge of bikini top with his fingertips. He pushed me forward slightly until I was resting my cheek against the machine feeling the cool breeze on my bare stomach. His lips were in my hair and at my ear.

"Is this that same blue suit? The one I've seen in a tangle on the floor in my dreams?"

I could do nothing but whimper "yes" as he traced the strings of my top.

"Didn't we find ourselves in this same position last year but my mouth was no where this close to yours nor were my hands inside your shirt although they both longed to be."

My nipples and clit hardened in unison. He spun me around so that we were face to face and slid his arm up by back to hold my neck again. He waited a moment before dropping his mouth to mine and taking in my bottom lip. He sucked and sank his teeth in a little before his fingers grazed my pointed nipples and I pushed forward crashing into his teeth.

The coldness of my tongue was gone in his mouth as our tongues moved together, pushing and pulling. He let his hand take my breast fully in his palm and his thumb continued to make brushing strokes across my arousal.

"I can only imagine how this would feel on your skin."

We moaned together as I brought my leg up to hitch on his hip and bring him in closer. The grass skirt parted as he pressed into me. He was riding loose in his board shorts and his interest was apparent beneath the flimsy material of his suit and mine. I swayed my hips with the distant music and he rolled across me.

"Bella, Bella, Bella. What did I say the last time you moved like this?"

"When I danced in the bar? You said that I had no idea the things you could to me."

"That's right," he said between nibbles at my neck. "You still don't."

"I think I have a pretty good idea."

"Do you now? Did you think about me, Bluebell? While we were apart? When you were alone?" His mouth traveled lower to visit each bone of my chest cavity.

"Let's just say, you were a cure for many headaches." _I can not believe I just said that._

I felt his smile against my skin.

"You cured a lot of things too. I thought of you many times thinking of me...touching yourself."

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. _I knew he felt the dampness, he had to.

"Edward..." I moaned.

"Do you want to know what I imagined, Bella? How I pictured you?"

"Yes," I breathed. His tongue edged my suit and I felt it skim my skin.

"I pictured you on the beach that night with your hand up your dress, cussing me out for wanting me so bad."

I would have been mortified if I wasn't so turned on. "You were there? You saw me?" I squeaked out.

"Yes. That is my confession. I didn't think I would ever admit that to you but I want you to know how hot it was. I've thought about it every day since."

"I thought about you too. Everyday, whether I was alone or not, that is my confession. I don't think I've ever had so many orgasms in my life."

He laughed and lifted his head from my chest where he'd done nothing but taunt me. He squeezed my neck to pull me in and softly kissed my lips.

"More than anything else, Bluebell, I missed the sound of your voice."

I parted my lips to open myself to him and the machine shook beneath us shooting ice at my back. We rocked against it as the kiss deepened and we pulsed each others centers.

* * *

"There you are, pup! Come on, they're doing best costume by loudest clap. Yell for me! Where's Cullen? He can finger whistle like nobody's business." Garrett looked around me to see Edward coming in the main door.

He sent me in first to trail behind by a few minutes and I headed straight to the bathroom to comb my hair and remove the shmears of lipstick from my cheeks and chin. Despite all efforts, my mouth maintained that kissing-is-better-than-collagen look and the glow of my cheeks shouted that I was just dry humped by Edward Cullen against an ice machine.

"Front and center you little tart," Garrett said, playfully smacking my grass covered butt. "Jesus Bella! Where have you been? Your ass is frozen solid."

"I guess it got colder outside," I said. I could hear Edward's chuckle from three feet away.

The announcers went through each contestant and since no one was overly creative, first prize went to Garrett and his coconuts. He brought his bottle of similarly flavored rum back to the table we'd commandeered for desert.

"You going to bust that open?" Benito asked.

"Hell no. I'm going to drink this from my girl's coconuts later."

The newlyweds leaned in and kissed. I felt Edward's eyes on my own coconuts and remembered his hands there. I shoveled the pineapple upside down cake in my mouth and wiggled under his smoldering eye touch. I wondered how much longer we had to stay here. As though he read my mind, Edward glanced to his watch and at the door. The lady from the front desk was walking towards us.

"I'm sorry to interrupt. Ms. Swan?" she said, bending towards me. "You have an emergency call at the front desk, it's your mother."

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**Translations:**

**Aloha- hello or goodbye, in this case, hello**

**Wahine- woman (pronounced wah-hee-nee)**

**Mija- slang literally meaning my daughter (mi hija) but commonly used like "girl" or "sweetie" and the like**

***Peeps out of hiding* Don't kill me for the cliffie, okay? I promise I'll be back soon with the next installment. In the meantime head over to the Twilighted Forums to discuss ways in which you'd like to kill me on the TUiB thread. ;)**

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to have Edward and and a piece of ice all to yourself.~~**_


	17. Times Like These

___**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either.**_

**It's times like these I'm thankful for my girls for keeping me sane and keeping me writing. I shouldn't be surprise that y'all got me close to 400 reviews last chapter, but I am. Oh the power of Edward and dry humping ;) Thank you all for the reads and reviews. It means the world to me. This is the first time I've let anyone read something I've written since college. All y'all have made it a painless experience. **

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_In times like these_

_In times like those_

_What will be will be_

_And so it goes_

_And it always goes on and on..._

_On and on it goes_

_~~Times Like These, Jack Johnson_

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_~~BPOV~~_

The fork clanged against the plate as it dropped from my hand. The woman's mouth kept moving but I couldn't hear anything but the sound of blood rushing to my ears. Renee would never call except for a true emergency. I stood on shaky legs and looked for Edward, he was already coming around the table to take my arm.

We followed her to the front desk and I gasped as I picked up the phone, hearing the siren from the ear piece.

"Mom?"

"Bella! I'm so sorry, I don't want to frighten you-"

"What's going on?" I interrupted.

"Sarah fell and hit her head. There's a lot of blood. We're on our way to the hospital and I can't find the in case of emergency authorization you left for me."

Goosebumps raced across my skin as bile rose in my throat. My eyes spilled over and I rushed to speak.

"She hit her head? Is she okay? Where is she now? Wait, why do you need the authorization, where's Jake?"

"I think so but I don't know, we couldn't see the cut through the blood. She's here with me, we're in Charlie's cruiser. Jake's on that camping trip that's why I need that form. What do I do?"

"What camping...? Never mind. Dad's with you? I'll call the hospital right now." I covered my eyes with my hand and willed myself not to throw up.

Edward's hand flew over the desk reaching for the other phone. He dialed quickly and waited.

"Is Dr. Cullen on staff tonight? Yes? I need to speak with him right away, this is his son."

"Mom, I've got someone getting the hospital on the phone. I'll give them any authorization they need."

"Okay, we're almost there. I'm going to hang up. I'll call you as soon I as I know something."

"Oh God. Okay."

"It'll be okay Bella, please don't worry."

"Dad, it's Edward. Yeah. No. Listen, I'm here with a friend whose daughter is on her way to the ER with her mother. Yes, I'll put her on." He handed me the phone as I hung up with Renee.

"Hello? Dr. Cullen? This is Isabella Black."

"Yes Ms. Black, how can I help you?"

"My mother and father are coming in with my daughter Sarah. She's hit her head and my mom misplaced the medical authorization form I left her."

"Oh no problem, Ms. Black. Chief Swan is with her as well? What is your mother's name? I'll write it down now. And you're giving her full permission to make all medical decisions on behalf of your daughter?"

"Renee Dwyer and yes, sir."

"Is your mother aware of her medical history? Any known allergies?"

"She should know everything. Or Charlie will. No allergies, that we know. When will I hear if she's okay?"

"I'll keep you updated personally. Try not to worry, go ahead and give me a number to reach you."

I repeated the phone number to the front desk and he disconnected the line. My hands shook as I handed the receiver back.

"Is she okay?" Edward asked.

"I don't know. I don't know anything. All Renee said is that she hit her head and there was a lot of blood. She said they couldn't see the cut. My dad was driving them to the hospital that's why there was sirens."

He opened up his arm and I mashed my face into his chest wetting his shirt with my tears.

"I can't believe I'm not there. She must be so scared. I can't believe I'm not there."

"Bella?" Zafrina softly called my name and touched my back.

"Take her," Edward said, rolling me to her gently and reaching over the counter again.

"Shh, Bella, she's going to be okay. Kids hurt themselves everyday, whether we're there or not." She led me over to the seating area across the room.

"But I'm always there, Z. I've never missed one scraped knee or hangnail or sunburn."

"I know, I know. You're not always going to be able to be there, hon. I'm sorry the first time is so far away from home though."

"I broke my arm on a boy scout camping trip when I was eight," Garrett said and sat on the arm of the couch. The rest of the dinner table trickled in behind him. "It was also the first time I spent a night away from home. My mom didn't want to let me out of her sight for the next ten years."

"When I was twelve I jumped off my neighbors roof when my parents were on vacation and my aunt and uncle were watching me. I got a huge bloody nose but no permanent damage. Well, besides the ass kicking I got when my dad found out." Benny laughed and reached out to rub my arm.

"I had a grand mal seizure when I was a baby. The first time my parents went to dinner alone after having me. I spiked a temp in my sleep and I went into convulsions and was raced to the hospital in an ambulance. The way my mom tells it, you'd think I did it on purpose." Kate chimed in.

"I went on a cruise after my divorce and my son got mono. I was out in the middle of the ocean and didn't even know about it until I got home. Couldn't have done a thing even if I wanted to," Zafrina said. "So you see Bella, it happens to everyone."

"Yes, hello Mandy. I need to know, when is your next flight out to Seattle from San Jose? Nothing earlier? No, I understand. Can I book through to Port Angeles from there? Okay. And that gets in when? Fuck. Nothing earlier?"

The gang circled around me attempting comfort with war stories and battle wounds but all I could hear was Edward negotiating my return to Forks. A few moments later he hung up and walked towards us.

"I'm sorry, Bluebell. I can't get you out of here until the morning. Nothing flies in or out of San Jose this late. The first flight is at 7:15 and you're on it. But you won't get in to Port Angeles until nearly noon. It's the best I could do." He crouched down at me feet and squeezed my knee.

I sucked in a breath and nodded to him as a fresh set of tears pricked my eyes.

"Guys, why don't we give them some space and get them some coffee?" Zafrina said eyeing Edward and I.

"Oh sure," Garrett said leaping off the couch. "If there's anything you need, you'll let us know right?"

Edward thanked them as Zafrina grabbed an employee and asked for a coffee tray. She bent in to hug me again and disappeared back into the party that was carrying on oblivious to my world crashing down. Edward rose from my feet to sit and wrap his arm around my shoulders. The coffee was set on the table in front of us but neither of us moved to it.

"God, I can't stand not knowing anything. I don't even know where on her head she hit or how. I just realized, I don't even know if she's conscious. I didn't hear her crying." The panic cried out in my voice.

"Well, you said your Dad drove her in right? If she knocked herself unconscious would he move her or would he call for an ambulance?"

"He's radio the ambulance," I answered while I clasped and unclasped my hands over and over.

"Right. So we can deduce she was awake. And you didn't hear her crying meaning she isn't hysterical or in massive amounts of pain."

"She could be in shock."

"True, but that's not a bad thing. It would be her body's response to pain. She'd have all sorts of endorphins pumping keeping her okay. And you know she's already at the hospital so she's in good hands. My father will treat your baby as if she was his own."

I sighed and wiggled down in the couch so my head could rest against the back of it. "Thank you for calling him. And booking a flight, and talking me down. You're good in a crisis."

I expected him to laugh but he frowned instead.

"I've had some practice." He rubbed his eyes and smiled upside down again.

"Why?"

"I don't want to get into that now, Bluebell. Let's focus on you."

"I'd rather not. I'd prefer something, anything, to get my mind off the images flashing of my daughter covered in blood crying for her mommy who is a thousand miles away." I pressed my fingertips into my eyes as I whined.

"Alright I get it. Are you sure you're up for a story? It's a long one."

"Yeah, I am," I said softly. Something in his voice made me forget my worry and find concern for him.

"So I told you how I knew Rose in high school? She was dating Emmett back then and for the most part we hated each other. We were really competitive. She was in all my AP classes and we were constantly volleying for the higher grade. When she and Emmett started dating I was pissed. At first, I thought he did it to piss me off and then they got in a fight that found me the opportunity to get back at him. I remember thinking it was strange that she was so willing. At the time I just thought she was pissed a him. But I realized later it was so much more than that. Like she was giving him the ultimate reason to break up with her, like she thought she deserved it. He, of course, found out and dumped her in front of an entire quad of classmates after going a few rounds with me on the grass. Then the next Saturday most of my class was off on this huge overnight trip for a Shakespeare festival and I was suspended for he fight so I didn't go."

He paused and I chewed my lip afraid where this was going. His hand raked through his hair combing out the carefully applied gel and leaving it a little wild for once.

"It was about eleven or so at night and I went to the showers. I remember hearing the strangest whimper as I passed the girls' room but it didn't really register because like I said I was pretty much alone. I though everyone in my dorm was gone. When I came out after the shower I heard a thud and got that feeling. You know the one where you just know something is wrong? I went in and found Rose with cuts all along her thighs and arms. Some were dried and mostly superficial but she'd nicked a vein on her leg that was bleeding pretty bad. The thump I heard was her head hitting the ground as she passed out."

"Oh my God, Edward. Was she trying to kill herself?"

"In the moment, I thought she was. Luckily my dad had given us all ample amounts of first aid training. I think I've been CPR certified since I was ten. I took my towel and got the bleeding to stop and was able to revive her before calling 911. She begged me not to and I didn't realize she still had the blade in her hand. She threatened to cut again and I convinced her to give it to me and let the paramedics come. They took her away in a blaze of lights and it was the last time I saw her for, fuck, nearly eight years years."

"Why? What happened to her?"

"I didn't know everything until later. Her parents pulled her out of school and she spent a year in a psych hospital. Turns out she was a cutter. What I'd seen that night was not the only time she'd done it, just the only time she'd gone too far. She wasn't trying to kill herself but she was hurting herself on purpose. I would have never thought. Rose was one of those girls who just had it all. She was gorgeous, popular, smart. I couldn't wrap my head around why she'd do that until..."

"What?"

"Until we met up again after college and started dating. I learned why Rose was so damaged."

Our heads snapped up at the sound of the telephone and I watched as the desk lady answered it in a hurry and nodded to me. I jumped off the couch and ran to the desk.

"Hello? Dr. Cullen?" I said, trying to catch my breath.

"No, Bella, it's me. We're still here but she's fine. She's absolutely fine. She nicked the back of her head but she didn't even have to get stitches they just filled it with this purple medical super glue stuff."

"What? Who put glue in her head?"

"Dr. Cullen. He's amazing. Such bedside manner, Sarah adored him. We all did," she said with a laugh.

I gritted my teeth, why the hell couldn't she focus for once? "Mom, are you sure she's okay-"

"I'm positive Bella," she said as the phone next to me rang. They answered it and handed it to Edward. "She's fine you wouldn't even know anything is wrong. They gave her Motrin for pain 'cause she probably has a headache but that's it. It really is no big deal. I shouldn't have called you until after because I knew you'd freak but I didn't know what to do without that form. Should have known that in a town this size I wouldn't need it. Everyone knew she was Charlie's."

"Mom, hold on. Edward's got Dr. Cullen on the line I want to talk to him."

"Yeah, speaking of, who is Edward? Dr. Cullen said-"

I set the phone down on the counter and reached out for the one Edward was holding. "Hello? Dr. Cullen?"

"Hello, Bella is it? Edward told me you were just speaking with your mother. So you know that Sarah is absolutely fine?"

"Is she? I can't trust Renee, she could be downplaying to absolve her own guilt."

"I can hear you!" Renee's voice called from the counter. Edward picked it up and covered the ear and mouth pieces with his hands.

"She _is_ fine. She had a superficial wound to the back of the head at the rear base of the skull. It did not require sutures and we were able to use Dermabond to seal it. She shows no signs of a concussion and I'm not surprised seeing as she struck at a fairly sturdy place. She entertained the entire ER singing Disney tunes and is now happily sucking on a popsicle."

"That sounds like her. But what about blood loss? Renee said there was a lot of blood."

"Head wounds always seem to produce a lot of blood but there was not a significant loss. Her vitals are completely normal. She's being sent home with Motrin and a sticker."

I finally exhaled in relief. "Thank you so much, Dr. Cullen. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this with me being so far from home and all."

"About that, Edward told me you're booked for a return flight tomorrow. Of course you and your family can decide but there is no medical reason for you to rush home. This was nothing more than a cut that needed a step above a band-aid."

"Thank you again, I'll consider that." Edward and I traded phones and I brought Renee back to my ear.

"Mom?"

"Did he tell you? That she's fine? I'm so sorry, honey."

"Yes, he said she's alright. What happened anyways?"

"We were watching T.V. and the girls had gone to bed hours ago. We heard a noise and then a cry and ran to her room. It looked like she'd opened the drawers on her dresser to climb up and fell back on the edge of her footboard."

"Um, 'we'? Dad was there?"

"Yeah, we took the girls to the beach and he hung out after. I am glad he was. I would have freaked out without him. He's great in a crisis."

I glanced to Edward talking quietly to his dad. "Probably a good thing since he's a cop and all. So Mom, I've got a flight in the morning that will get me home by noon."

"No! Absolutely not, Bella. I won't have it, she's fine! This really was no big deal. If I hadn't of called you she'd been healed by the time you were home Sunday and you'd never even have known."

"Knowing you, you probably wouldn't have called."

"That's because this isn't my first rodeo, kid. I know how much kids can survive. You forget how many times you had me in an ER."

"Can I talk to her?"

"Of course, hold on."

"Mommy?"

"Hi Sarah! How are you? You gave Mommy quite a scare."

"I have a popsicle. It's orange, I wanted a grape one but they didn't have it. It's later than bedtime, Mommy."

"Yes I know, sweetie. Tell me how your head is."

"It's okay. Dr. Colin put the magic fairy dust in it so it stopped hurting. I won't climb up on my dresser again, Mommy, you tell Grandma don't put my pink dolly up there and I won't have to go up and get her."

"Okay, I'll tell her. Hey, what do you think about Mommy coming home?"

"You're silly Mommy. You're in Calnifonia, it's far away. I'm going to the dollyhouse place with Grandma and Grandpa tomorrow, you can't come it's only for little girls and you're big. Okay, I love you, bye-bye." Sarah rushed off the phone with her standard goodbye.

"I told you she was fine. She's been looking forward to the dollhouse museum since I told her about it yesterday. Were going to take the ferry, they're both ecstatic. So, see? We don't have time to pick you up at the airport. We'll see you on Sunday. Okay? Love you, bye!" She hung up quickly.

I stared at the phone in shock. My legs felt like I'd just gotten off a roller coaster with five loop de loops all done at two hundred miles per hour and backwards. Anxiety and relief were still mingling in my blood.

"She's okay?"

"She's okay," I said with a shrug. "I might need medical attention now that I've suffered what's sure to be a stroke, but she's okay."

"Thank God. I was so worried." He wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me in.

"You?" I said with a laugh. "She's not even your kid. Hold up. What the fuck? Where the hell is Jake?"

"I was going to ask but I didn't want to give you something else to worry about."

"Renee said he was 'on that camping trip' like I was supposed to have known about it."

"But you don't?"

"Uh, no. It's Tuesday, he's employed. Why would he be off camping in the middle of the week?" I fumed for a minute and drummed my fingernails on the counter. "I mean, he can go camping, why do I care? But why didn't he tell me? Can I use the phone one more time?"

She handed me the phone again and I dialed Jake's cell phone. It went directly to voicemail.

"Jake? It's me. Um, I'm not sure where you are. Renee said you were camping. Sarah was rushed to the emergency room tonight. She's okay but I thought you should know. Where are you?" I gave the phone back to the desk clerk and shook my head at nothing in particular. "I feel like I need to go cliff diving or something to shake off this adrenaline rush."

"Well, I was going to suggest you go get some rest but it doesn't sound like you're tired."

"I could run a marathon right now."

"You need to take it easy, you're going to come crashing down soon. Let me walk you back to your room."

"Okay. I just want to be somewhere quiet. I'm on sensory overload. No, shit. I forgot. Z asked earlier if I minded if she hosted a 'mellow' after party at our cabin tonight. Translation, all the grown ups are going to come over and getting high."

"Bella we are grown ups," Edward laughed.

"Uh-uh. I've decided being a grown up sucks. I'm declaring myself a kid." I stuck out my chin in defiance and crossed my arms. He grinned.

"I'm sure she'll call it off given the circumstances."

"I don't want her to do that. Everything is fine, she shouldn't have to cancel because I'm all fired up like a monkey on Pez. I want a drink."

"You leave me no choice. Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see. Let me pop in and tell the gang everything is okay. Wait here."

I watched as Edward strode to the dining room and tried to make sense of at least one of the emotions running through me. In the last few hours I'd felt the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I had to keep repeating to myself that Sarah was fine because every few seconds I'd forget and a fresh wave of nausea would grip me. And although I wanted nothing more than to be home with my babies, I was grateful I wasn't leaving yet. I was also pissed off at Jake for pulling a fast one but at the same time, thankful he gave me yet another vindication.

"Ready?" Edward said as he returned.

"All set, let's blow this joint."

"Speaking of, you were right, by the way. Zafrina's got that covered. She's rounding up the resident stoners as we speak."

He held his arm out to me and I linked it, my skirt swishing as we walked. I wished I was in something other than this luau get up. The air was a warm surprise as we crossed the property. I thought he might take me down to the beach or to re-visit the hot tub that was surely abandoned, but as we made our way towards the cabins I realized where we were going.

I said nothing as we passed my cabin, heading up the hill to the tiny one perched alone in the back. He'd left the lights on and the little structure glowed from within. The front porch had a swing built for two and square fluffy pillows. The window boxes spilled with trailing flowers and ivy. There was moss on the roof and mold on the shutters but it was beautiful. I paused to take it all in and Edward misunderstood, taking my adoration as hesitation.

"I'm sorry. Does this make you uncomfortable? We can go-"

"Edward, I trust you. As corny as it sounds, I stopped because I wanted to take a mental picture."

"Want to know something cornier? I've taken actual pictures," he said, leading me by the hand to the porch. "I love this frilly little doll house. In all the places I've been, in all the places I've lived, somehow, she feels like home."

I climbed the narrow steps of the porch and glanced around again. My eyes fell on the hand painted sign just above the door. The cabin name.

"Welcome to the Bluebell, Bluebell," Edward said, holding open the door and inviting me in.

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**_~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to spend an evening at the Bluebell~~_**

**Oh, and just wanted to share a funny tidbit from the Land of Bird, when I was looking for a song for this chapter I was going through Jack Johnson vids on youtube becaue both me and the beta agreed the chappy had a Jack vibe. I clicked on his song and after the first few notes my daughter says, "This is a sad song. It's one you sing when you miss your mommy." DONE lol. So this week's song is brought to you by little birdie #1.**


	18. You Make Me Smile

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**My girls rock. KatieTv is the Ruth to my KStew. She pimps me shamelessly, tells me where to stand and what to do. I couldn't walk straight without her. Sugartits and Kstewfangirl are my Mama and Papa Stew you keep me grounded and tell me I'm awesome even when I think that's the farthest from the truth. I just love the shit out of all y'all. **

**And my readers and reviews and tweeters and alerters kick ass. 3 So today, you're being rewarded for your patience ;)**

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_There's some kind of light at the end_

_Stoned, forgetful, and then_

_I'm drinking what used to be sin_

_And touching the edge of her skin_

_~~You Make Me Smile, Blue October_

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_~~EPOV~~_

If someone tested Bella for ADD right now I was pretty certain she'd score off the charts. The moment she stepped through the door she started rambling and wandering, touching one thing and then spinning to go to another.

"We had a quilt in our cabin last year that must have come from here, it was blue and white, and... oh, you saw it on the beach that night..." She blushed a shade befitting of her own cabin. "A fireplace! I'm jealous. Does it work? Ours doesn't work."

She bounded across the room to poke at the wood sitting in the hearth. Her hands fingered the trim of the curtains before she crossed the room again towards the back window.

"God, I feel like smoking a clove. Isn't that strange? Where did that come from? Is that bathtub? Outside? Tell me you do not have a bathtub on your back deck? That's it, I'm stealing this place out from under you next year." She pushed forward against the kitchenette counter for a closer look out the window.

"You'll have to fight me for it."

I went to her and brought my hands down just outside of hers. My nose dipped into her hair. I could feel her shake against me. This whole time I thought she was powered on adrenaline and now, feeling her this close to me, I realized it was more nerves than anything. I was fucking idiot.

"Bluebell, relax," I said, running my hands up and down her arms.

"I don't know if I can. Being here, it's almost too much."

"I brought you here so you could recover in peace, nothing more. I promise."

I heard a soft laugh escape her lips as she turned her body around to me.

"I'm not scared of you, Edward. I'm scared of me."

"Of what you'll do?"

"Of what I won't." It was barely a whisper on her lips.

"Bella, there is nothing more in the world I want than to take you to bed and make you my lover. But not tonight. You know not tonight. You're all keyed up, your emotions are everywhere. You're daughter's been in the hospital. Your husband is missing, presumed fucking. I don't want you to have all that in your head. Call me a selfish prick, but when I take you as mine, I want your mind also."

I felt her lips before I could see them coming. A hand slid into my hair and pulled my mouth in deeper. She kissed me like I had the answer to the fucking riddle in both our heads.

"When you do, I will give you all of me," she said like it wasn't the fucking sexiest thing ever.

When. She said when. It wasn't a question of if I'd have her mind, body and soul, it was when. My dick throbbed at the when. She pushed off the counter and the grass of her skirt tickled my leg.

"How about that drink? And that clove?"

She stopped just before sitting on the small love seat that faced the bed. "Shut up. You do not have cloves."

"You shut up, I do too." I walked over to the nightstand to procure a bottle of whiskey and a pack of clove cigarettes. "I smoke one after another when I'm writing. I think there's magical properties and shit packed in these little rolls."

Bella smiled and stretched out across the sofa taking the offered cigarette from the pack.

"I had to have smelled them. Just when I thought it was a random craving." She shrugged and inhaled deeply as I lit it for her. The smoke curled around her head. "When I was in high school, my best friend Angela and I dressed up as witches for Halloween and she got her brother to buy us a pack of cloves. We chain smoked them and drank wine coolers all night until we nearly made ourselves sick."

"Well, here's to getting older than. We can buy our own cloves and can drink far finer than Bartles and Jaymes." I handed her one of the glasses I'd poured and we clinked them together.

"Gah. I was serious before. This being an adult thing sucks ass."

"For the most part, yeah it does."

"Missing, presumed fucking. That's hilarious. I missed that before." She took another long drag of the clove and the cherry burned bright.

"It isn't hilarious, it's sad. Do you really think he's camping?"

Bella frowned into her glass and tilted it back and forth to watch the amber swirl against the ice. "Know what? I don't really want to think about it. I don't want to be sad."

Her shoulders rose and fell in the saddest shrug I'd ever seen and I realized that she'd been playing brave in the park. She wasn't okay with the way things were, she was just getting that good at pretending. We were more alike than I thought.

"Will you tell me more about Rose?"

"I don't feel like being sad either."

"Fair enough. Another time?"

"Another time." I raised my glass to her again. "Here's to not being adults about our shit. Because it's our fucking right not to be."

"A-fucking-men. I'll drink to that." She reached forward off the couch to me holding my gaze as our glasses met. "Hey, do you mind if I take this off? The band is scratching my back."

Did I mind? Was she fucking kidding? I wanted to tear it off her sending shreds of grass flying across the room like feathers. I wanted to watch each button of that shirt pop off in my hands until I got to the creamy milk of skin beneath.

"Uh, no. Go ahead that's fine." I picked at my fingernails and studied the cuticles with intense scrutiny. I heard the swish of her skirt as she stood and I peeked up.

Her tongue poked out of her lips as she struggled with the knot on the tie of the skirt. It came apart quicker than she expected and the long grass dropped to the floor in a flourish. I was eye level with the blue v between her legs. Her hands went to undo the tie at her chest and I gulped as the long shirt covered her stomach and hips just in time.

"That's better. I swear to Allah my legs are going to be covered in hives tomorrow." She ran her hands down the length of them as she settled back on the couch.

"Can I get you a blanket or something?"

"You know what I'd really love? If you're willing that is..." Her voice trailed off and a smile tugged at her mouth. She knew she was playing me like a fucking harpsichord.

"What would you really love?"

"My black stretchy pants. They're laying out on my bed. But I really don't want to run across the meadow half-naked."

"I really don't want you to run across the meadow half-naked either. Especially not with Aro and Marcus toking it up in your cabin, the old pervs. Is your door unlocked?"

She blushed and looked to her hands and I realized the significance of the question. I'd told her earlier I'd be back at that door.

"Yeah, it is."

I stood from the coffee table I'd been sitting on and ran my fingers across her hair as I brushed past. She'd left the door unlocked. She expected she'd come home alone tonight and left the fucking door unlocked for me. She wanted me to sneak in her room at night and take her. She wanted me inside her as much as I wanted to be there. Fucking hot damn.

I made it through the grass and in the back door of her room unnoticed. The door to the living area was closed and I could hear the party beyond it. I glanced around and saw the black pants folded at the end of the bed. Just as I reached for them, the door to her bathroom opened and Zafrina came out holding a towel.

She glanced to me then to the pants and once around the room. She looked around me to the open door behind and raised an eyebrow.

"Bella's skirt was bothering her so she asked me to grab her pants. I, uh, told you we were going to hang over at my place. She's not up for a crowd."

Zafrina continued to pat her hands dry. "And you're explaining this to me, why?"

"Just thought you wanted to know what I was doing in her room."

She snorted and turned to throw the towel on the bathroom counter. "I know what you're doing, Edward. And just like I told Bella, it ain't none of my business. I'm on a don't need to know basis."

"Right, got it. Well I'll-"

"Wait," she said, raising her hand. "I don't need to know but I got something to tell. That girl you've got over there is one damaged little bird. Her wing's been broken a long time and she's letting it set the wrong way. She needs to fix it straight for it to heal or else she's never going to fly." She crossed her arms and shot me a look that made me feel compelled to call her ma'am.

"Yes ma'am," I said as reached for the door knob to go. "Zafrina? I'd never do anything to hurt her, just so you know."

She nodded and frowned. "Most folks don't do the hurting on purpose but it still happens."

She opened the door with one last pointed look and I made my way out the back. Her words conjured up the thought of a little blue bird hopping along with a dragging wing and looking to the sky. The image stuck to my mind like oil to the ocean.

The room was quiet as I entered and a glance over the back of the couch showed that Bella had fallen asleep with her chin to her chest and her hand clutching the glass. I tossed her pants onto the coffee table and thought of what to do.

I could wake her and take her home. That seemed like a shitty thing to do to someone who fifteen minutes ago was wired enough to light the eastern sea-board. I could get her a blanket and leave her there. But how much of an ass would I be leaving her on the couch and climbing into that big ass comfortable as shit bed? I could move her to the bed but I didn't want to risk waking her. I gave her an experimental poke on the arm. Nothing. She was out.

I pulled back the blankets and sheets and scooped Bella up in my arms. Her limbs flopped like noodles and I carefully rolled her head to my shoulder. As soon as she hit the pillow she sighed and rolled over bringing one knee to her chest. I covered her legs with blankets instead of the languid slow kisses I wanted to place there and went into the bathroom. I found a pair of boxers on the floor and traded my swim trunks for them before digging for an extra blanket in the small closet.

The clock alarm was set and the lights were killed and I settled into the couch to be lulled to sleep by the sounds of her breaths not some fifteen feet away.

* * *

"Edward?"

I thought I dreamt the whisper I heard just above my head. I rolled over and felt her finger trail along my jaw.

"Edward?" she said softly, again. "Why are you on the couch? Come to bed."

The finger had a hand that found mine and pulled gently. I opened my eyes and saw the same bare legs this time the thighs were skimmed by the hem of my old black t-shirt. Her hair was in a blaze around her head and make-up was rubbed slightly beneath her eyes. She had only opened one and it looked confused as it peered at me.

"What time is it?"

"Sometime after four. I woke up disoriented and reached for my water. It was a glass of whiskey and I spit it out all over my shirt. I found one of yours, I hope you don't mind."

"I am whatever the opposite of minding is. You look fucking hot."

She sucked in her lip and blushed. "Get off the couch. You didn't have to sleep here. It's comfy but it's not that comfy. Get in your bed." She tugged my hand again and I let my feet hit the floor to stand and follow her to the bed.

I waited for her to get in first and wished my eyes were less sleep hazed so I could fully appreciate her crawling across the bed. She laid into the pillow and turned on her side to face in. I mirrored her and found her hand between us. She moved her head closer to me and smiled a sleepy smile.

"Close your eyes, Bluebell," I said, yawning and closing my own.

"I don't want to. Nothing I dream could be better than this."

I smiled with my eyes still closed and her lips brushed against mine. I opened them for a moment to see her back on her pillow, eyes shut, small smile. I squeezed her hand and found her feet with my own. They tangled together and we exhaled into the silence.

A few deep breaths later I felt the edge of sleep and Bella's soft foot sneaking up my calf. I reached out and wrapped my arm around her back to pull her in closer. Having her in my bed was an opportunity I shouldn't waste. I wanted to feel her against me.

Her head tucked beneath my chin and her lips pressed into the hollow between my collar bones. It sent a zinger straight to my dick. Her fingers trailed my spine and I pushed myself to her subconsciously. My dick searched for the pocket of the boxers and freedom while I thought about triple plays and tax rate amortization tables.

She pulled back to scoot herself up so our mouths were level. She was quiet as she looked into my eyes bringing her lips to mine. Her tongue flicked out to lick my lips and she smirked. She ran it across my teeth slowly and with purpose. It lingered on the eye tooth stroking its point and pushing against it. We kissed like this, eyes open, and it was the hottest most erotic kiss I'd ever experienced.

My hand went to her hip needing to find something to hold, some kind of traction. The shirt was raised and my hand landed on bare skin. Those suit bottoms were on my floor somewhere and I didn't even fucking know it. My hand shot out like she'd burned me and she grabbed it, scared and shaking in the air, and brought it back to her.

Our eyes closed as our lips met fully and I let my hand roam up her body. I was gliding over her side when I realized the top was gone too. Her back arched at my touch and I knew what she wanted. She wanted what I'd teased earlier. She wanted to know what we would feel like skin to skin.

I traced the curve of her tit with my fingers and she moaned. The vibrations echoed in my mouth and down my throat to my core. The palm of my hand skimmed her nipple and I let it drift back and forth with the tiniest amount of pressure. Her nipple hardened beneath it and my dick turned to stone.

She whimpered and pushed my legs apart with hers. Her knee traveled higher and picked up my balls gently. She circled her leg pressing them to her and into my cock and I nearly blew my load at the vaguest hint of her touch. My hand came down hard and gripped her tit as I bit her lip. She jolted against me and cried out.

"I knew you'd feel this way, Bella. I just didn't know how good it would be. Baby, does it feel good to you?" I rolled her over to perch above with one leg between hers. My hand moved across her tit again beneath the shirt.

Her answer was another whimper and I took her mouth again. I imagined her eager tongue on my dick and sucked harder.

"You taste like heaven," I whispered in her ear, nudging her legs with mine. My hand drifted down her stomach to follow the line of her hip to where I'd never touched her before. Not above or beneath her clothes. I paused on the thin skin just where her legs began and let my fingers run a line across it.

Her eyes were heavy with want as she smiled and tilted her head back to moan again. I tapped my fingers against her skin and took her other breast in my mouth, shirt and all. She shuddered and mumbled unintelligibly.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Touch me. Touch me, please. Touch me the way I've touched me for you."

My teeth sank into her nipple as I groaned. I pulled away from her, leaving a wet hollow behind.

"Holy fucking shit. You can't just say that without asking for trouble."

She pushed up on her elbows so that our faces were equal. "I think it's pretty fucking obvious I'm asking for trouble."

I jutted my chin out to bump hers and took her in my mouth again as I let my hand trail down her center. Fingertips grazed her clit as she bucked and I covered them with her wetness. Ever so slowly, they moved back up and circled her softly just as I teased her nipple before. I felt her shake beneath me and slowed down further, drawing one finger down the outside of her swollen lips brushing my knuckle across her entrance. She fell back flat on the bed and I watched her face as I stroked her. I was fucking touching my Bluebell's pussy. I shook my head in disbelief.

"Is this how you did it? Is this how you touched yourself dreaming of me?"

"Uh-huh," escaped her lips in quiet.

I rolled her clit between two fingers and pushed her opening against my palm. The heat shot down my arm and made me sick with desire. I wanted more. I needed more.

"God, you feel fucking amazing. You are so soft. You are so soft everywhere. Bella, look at me. I want to taste you. Can I taste you?"

Her eyes flew open and she pushed up on her arms again. "I, uh, you, um. I, uh..."

"Shhhh. It's okay, if it's too much. It's okay. I won't do anything you don't want."

"It's not that. I just never have...done that before."

My hand stopped dead in disbelief.

"You've never done what before?"

"I've never been kissed...there."

"You're fucking kidding me. You mean this glorious slice of heaven has never been worshipped by a bath of tongue laps? Unheard of!"

She burst into laughter and her hand went across my chest. She tweaked my nipple and smiled again. "No it, uh, hasn't."

Oh my fucking God. I couldn't believe it. She was a fucking oral virgin. If I put my mouth against her I'd be the first to do it. My lips on her clit and my tongue on her puss would be the first. What kind of fucking idiot had this in front of him and didn't do it?

"That," I said with the utmost sincerity, "is a fucking crime. Please let me kiss you, Bella. Let me put my mouth on you until you cum. I want to suck your pussy until it screams my name." My thumb pushed into her clit for emphasis.

I expected her to laugh but her eyes rolled back and she shuddered "yes." I needed no more encouragement than that. I was soaring down the bed like it was a fucking slip and slide. My hand stayed on her, teasing and toying as she moved and writhed beneath it. I kissed the inside of her knee and then followed the vein of her thigh to the very edge of her. If I was a smart fuck I would have turned on some fucking lights.

She held her breath and waited. I brought my mouth just above her knowing she could feel my exhale on her skin. I felt her relax beneath me and grinned before giving her one long, slow, lick from bottom to top with the entire width of my tongue.

"Fuck for fucking fuckity fuck. Fuck!" She moaned as her hands gripped the sheets.

I laughed. I couldn't help it I was fucking proud of myself. One lick and she was making truckers blush. I took her eager little button into my mouth sucking and flicking it. Her hips rose off the bed and I slipped my tongue down again before thrusting it inside her. She was hot and sticky and sweet and I wanted more, now.

I pulled and sucked and kissed and tugged and licked and teased and she screamed my name pushing off the bed and falling back down again, her body quaking from orgasm.

"I wasn't done," I said with a laugh, lapping up the last of her.

"Obviously I was." She giggled and pushed her hand in her hair. "Oh my God."

"You're killing me, smalls. That was like two minute head. I can go much longer. I want to go much longer. Give me another chance." I flopped down on the pillow beside her and begged.

"I couldn't hold out. I did the ABCs backwards and the multiplication tables and they did nothing. I didn't want it to end but I didn't want to stop it either."

"You should be punished for your poor concentration skills. I think you deserve a daily tongue lashing."

She laughed and laced her fingers in my hair. "You are quite the disciplinarian," she said letting one hand slip down my chest. "But what about you? What's your punishment?"

"Why am I being punished? I did nothing wrong." I sucked in as her fingers coasted across the band of my shorts.

"True. Perhaps you should be rewarded."

That I was. Her warm little hand dipped into my shorts and found my aching cock. She gripped it firmly and moved up and down swirling around the top letting her palm glide across the head. She did it twice, maybe three times, and I was sputtering in my shorts.

"You're going to think I'm a two pump chump. Look at me. I came like a zit covered kid."

Bella grinned and batted her eyes. "Twelve months of foreplay has that effect on people."

I reached down to yank up the blankets and take off my shorts. I balled them up to scoop away any remnants and tossed them to the floor.

"You don't mind, right? I don't sleep in nothing but air usually anyways."

She rolled her eyes in response and curled her body into mine.

"No I don't mind. But I do find it funny that I'm sleeping with you naked when I've never even _seen_ you naked."

She was right. She had me giving DNA samples in record speed and I'd never even seen the places I'd just made love to.

"The week is young, Bluebell. We've got all the time in the world."

I pulled her in closer and buried my face in her hair letting our breaths match each other. If I could have found a way for time to stand still in that moment, I would have given anything for it.

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_**~~I'd love reviews for than you'd love for Edward to...okay I'm full of shit. You definitely want that more.~~**_


	19. Sweet Disposition

___**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Thanks to the usual suspets KatieTV, Sugartits and kstewsfagirl. New thanks to agirlreckoning who's acting as new set of beta eyes.**

**FYI: I'm going on vacation this week and won't be updating again until late next week, sorry for the delay but if you stick around I'll make it worth your while ;)**

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_Just stay there_

_Cause I'll be comin' over_

_And while our bloods still young_

_It's so young_

_It runs_

_And we won't stop til it's over_

_Won't stop to surrender_

_~~Sweet Disposition, Temper Trap_

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_~~BPOV~~_

Waking up in another man's bed should have felt more, I don't know, seedy. Yet here I was, mostly naked and lacking in regret. I didn't feel dirty or shamed, I felt free.

I stretched my leg out to search for his, but the bed was empty. My eyes opened to him coming out of the bathroom door, still slightly wet and wrapped in a towel. I sat up and smiled as he made his way to me with a lopsided grin. He didn't stop at the bed. Instead, he crawled across, letting the towel gape open, to kiss me squarely on the mouth. Morning breath be damned I guessed.

My arms went around his neck as we fell back down and he wet my shirt with his damp chest. He sucked my lips and rolled me over until I straddled him and he could firmly grip my naked cheeks. He laughed as my hair tickled his face and I leaned in to bite his lobe.

"It's been far too long since I've kissed you. Sleep is such a waste. I have so much lost time to make up for. I think I'll spend the rest of these days kissing you." His mouth was on my neck and I swallowed his words down my throat.

"You have classes. I have classes. We will have to spend some time not kissing." I was holding his chin in my hand now and pressing his cheeks together.

"Such a waste," he said through the forced fish lips.

"Says the famous author. Some of us are here to learn so we can sell as many books as you." I leaned in to kiss him again and released his face to grip the back of his neck.

"Before you can sell books, you have to write one."

"Well if you'd get your tongue out of my mouth for longer than two seconds I could tell you that I have."

He put his hands to my shoulders to gently push our frantic kissing apart. "You have? Why didn't you tell me before? Bella, that's fucking awesome."

I grinned and pushed my finger to his lips. "I'm mostly done with the first draft and starting to freak out. I haven't let anyone read it. I don't even know if it's good."

"Are you telling me this because you want me to read it?" he asked.

My eyes darted around, jumpy with anxiety. They crossed his face and found comfort in his focused pupils.

"Yeah, if you would. I want you to be the first."

A slow smile spread before he spoke. "I quite enjoyed being your first. I'd be honored."

I swatted at his arm while a rash of heat rolled across my skin. I didn't want to think about what I let him do last night but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'd spent much of my adult life embarrassed and annoyed that I'd never experienced it. Not that I hadn't wanted to, I'd asked and been refused, more than once. So I stopped asking and figured I wasn't missing out on much anyways. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I just found out that I'd been having Fourth of July with sparklers instead of fireworks.

"You can be my first. Again. But promise me something? Promise you'll be honest. I'm asking you as a student to a mentor. I want your feedback because I value it. I don't want you to tell me it's good when it's not, because I'm your..." I stopped. There aren't words for what the hell we are.

"You're my Bluebell, he said simply. "But you've got it. I'll read without bias and critique without the kid gloves."

"Thank you," I said with a peck to his nose.

"So where is it? Let me see it."

"What? Do you think I had it stuffed in my bikini top last night? Taped to my stomach? Where would I have been holding it?"

"Well I know for sure it wasn't in your top last night. I better check to see if it's up your shirt now."

He lifted my shirt to bare my belly as he sat up with me still in his lap. It flew higher than he expected and my breasts sprung in his face. If he was a cartoon his eyes would have fallen out. He pulled it back down in a flash and ducked his head.

"Oops. Sorry."

"I think I'm past the point of being shy, Edward." I moved my hips against the thin towel between us in emphasis. I reached down to the hem of the shirt and began to pull it up as his hand stopped me.

"No you don't. We're already going to miss breakfast at this rate. You are not leaving me to teach back-to-back morning classes with your naked body burned on my retinas. Not going to happen."

His arm snaked up my back to hold me still while he kissed me again. An hour later we'd definitely missed breakfast and were scrambling to make it to classes on time. I dashed across the meadow in his shirt and my yoga pants to shower, change and grab a Pop-Tart from Zafrina's munchies stash. I snuck into the first class as the lecture began.

I found myself forgetting the feel of Edward's mouth as I immersed myself in learning. Notebook pages were filled, feedback was shared, and my hungry mind ate it all. When we were dismissed for lunch I lingered in the hall wondering if I should I give my novel another pass before showing it to Edward. I slipped my hand in the pocket of my bag to the feel flash drive. I started back towards the dining room but found myself yanked into a conference room as I passed by the door.

His hand closed around my arm as he closed the door and shut off the fluorescent lights above us.

"I missed you. I missed your smell. I missed your taste. I missed your mouth." His hands moved faster than his words as they pushed through my hair, over my chest, under my skirt and then palmed the front of my neck as his mouth moved to the heartbeat at my wrist.

He walked backwards, leading me by his mouth and my wrist, until we were at the table where his bag and signature tub of Red Vines sat.

"You and that candy. How you've tortured me with that candy." It was barely a whisper as he sank his teeth into my flesh and then licked and kissed the faint row of indents across my veins.

"You are wrong. You are the torturer and I am the torturee." His tongue moved up my arm pausing to kiss each freckle along the way. He pushed me gently on the table and held me as I tipped back against it.

"That's not even a word." I gasped and he unbuttoned my sweater to slip his hand inside.

"I'm a writer. I can make up my own words. Do you want my candy, Bella?"

"Yes," I moaned as his fingers worked my nipple.

He pushed me back further until I was laying on the table with him between my knees. He kept one hand on my chest and reached for the candy with the other. He drew out a long red rope and brought it to my mouth. I lifted my head to take a bite before he withdrew it and slid it down my neck and across my chest to the breast he'd exposed. He circled my nipple with the end of the vine and pushed it against the raised center. The skin tightened even more until I thought it might break off and shatter against the desk.

He stared at the bare breast, his hand cupping it's fullness, and the candy leaving a sticky trail around it. He licked his lips and brought the vine to his mouth giving the end a long suck like you would a finger you were wanting to moisten. He returned it to my chest and the ridges rubbed against my nipple again.

I was only vaguely aware of his hand slipping up my skirt and grazing across my center. My eyes rolled back as the vine left my nipple to dip into my belly button to go down my leg and back up again. His finger hooked the edge of my panties and pulled them aside and the candy slipped in. I whimpered and shook as he slid it across the wetness. He was delicate at first and then frenzied like he was satisfying an unscratchable itch. He took the tip to the top and ran the length between my lips while I squeezed at it, wanting more.

I panted and gasped as he forced the impending orgasm to rise and fall over and over taking his time with me. This was payback for last night. He wasn't going to let me cum until he wanted me to. The vine was just enough pressure and touch to toy with pleasure. Fucking candy.

"Say it. Out loud," he said, like he could read my thoughts. I knew what he wanted but I wasn't giving in either.

"Make me cum and I'll say it."

He chuckled softly and pushed the candy into my clit again. It moved in a steady circle while it's length rode my entrance. He kept the rhythm steady until my hands were gripping the sides of the table and I screamed it out.

"Fuck you, Edward. Fuck you and your fucking candy." My chest rose up and fell again as I came on him and the vine.

He slipped his hand out of my skirt and brought the candy to his mouth.

_Oh my god. He wouldn't. _

"And?" he said, his eyes twinkling.

He would. The vine passed his lips as he sucked my juice from it.

"Fuck you for making me want you to fuck me," I whispered, watching him eat the vine he'd done just that with.

* * *

Eating lunch was impossible with Edward watching me from across the table. I would have much preferred spending the rest of the hour in that room with him, returning the favor, but before I could, he spun me out the door and to the dining room. He mumbled something about refusing to let me miss another meal. Little did he know, I was willing to give up food forever if he'd feed my soul like that instead.

He wore a hat pulled down low and held a book in his hands, acting like it had his full attention. Watching every morsel go to my mouth, he eye touched my lips as I chewed, my throat as I swallowed, my breasts in between bites. He was making the basic act of digestion, really fucking hot. Such a difference from a similar lunch, same time last year, when he used the hat and book to avoid looking at me. Now they were being used to avoid anyone noticing he was looking at me.

I caught his eye under the hat and smirked, he cleared his throat and brought the book up higher.

"Bella?" Garrett said on my right.

"Sorry, what?"

"I asked if you were stoked for tonight. I'm telling you, man. These theme nights are top notch. This is just what they needed to shake this thing up."

"Garrett, were you in a fraternity in college?" I asked.

"God no. I went to a little liberal arts school in Lake Tahoe. I don't even think they had fraternities."

"I think you missed out. You are enjoying this way too much."

"You're saying that now, but you haven't seen my pimp suit. I found it a Venezuelan thrift store. Bought it before I even knew there would be a Studio 54 night because it was that cool. Probably came straight off the back of some dead coke sniffing drug lord but I had to have it."

"He's not kidding," Kate interjected. "We were traveling with nothing but what we could carry on our backs and he was seriously considering ditching survival gear to make room for the polyester wonder."

"I'll be sorry to miss it but I don't do disco." I shook my head.

"Awww, come on! You have to!"

"No way. I'm compromising. I'll do three out of the six but disco and 'Latin Groove' are on my not-on-your-life list. I didn't even bring costumes as built-in insurance."

"Three? That's not a compromise!"

"Fifty percent is an exact compromise."

"No Latin Groove? What do you have against my people?" Benito asked with mocked offense.

"Nothing, but I can't move like them and I'm not going to put on sequins and ruffles and pretend I can."

"Want to know the secret, mija? Tequila. A few licks of that and you can shake your hips with the best of them."

I heard Edward snort from behind his book and wished I could kick him under the table.

"Come on, pup. Just one more, it won't hurt, promise," Garrett said.

"Hey now. Zafrina's made me a costume for Saturday and I got dressed up on the first night, and I did the hula yesterday before my heart attack, so I think I deserve a night off."

"How is Sarah?" Kate asked, smoothing her hands across her stomach.

"Unbreakable apparently. I was able to catch my mom this morning at break. She's totally fine."

"What a relief. We're all so glad you stayed."

I smiled at Kate and glanced back to Edward. "So am I."

"Garrett you're going to have to keep your pimp in the bag for another night," Caius said and pointed at the folder in front of him. "Tonight is Pin-Ups and Greasers."

"What? Bummer! That's okay, I'm totally prepared for this one too. What do you say, Cullen McSilent? You ready to be the Ponyboy to my Johnny? Shit, you don't even need a costume."

Edward smirked and dropped the book he wasn't reading on the table to push it across to Garrett. We all looked at the cover and laughed.

"Getting in the mood, huh?" Garrett asked.

"Just revisiting an old favorite."

"So Bella, you're up for a sock hop, right?" Garrett nagged again.

Edward pulled his hat down and nodded slowly. I shook my head slightly and he frowned as his bottom lip jutted out.

"I guess, since you twisted my arm and all. But this is it. No disco, no salsa."

Edward leaned onto his arms and hid his smile behind his hands. He was so easy. I was actually looking forward to this theme. I had my outfit picked out for months and really, like I'd be anywhere he wasn't, please.

After my afternoon classes, I stopped in the lobby to use the payphone and tried Jake's cell. Straight to voicemail again. I thought about dialing Leah but if she answered I'd have no legitimate reason for calling. It wasn't like I could just ask, "hi there, is my husband's dick currently inside you? Could you take a break and put him on?"

What was the point really? He was gone, I was gone. We'd both been missing for a long time. It shocked me to admit it, but what I felt the most after I kissed Edward was understanding. I understood why Jake had gone to Leah. I totally got why he'd look for this somewhere else. We didn't have it. That was glaringly obvious. It wasn't about me, it wasn't about him. We were the problem. He had it with Leah, I had it with Edward. I did, however, wish he hadn't found it so close to home as I wasn't rubbing his face in it and never would.

This place, this time and this man belonged to me. This was my vacation from life and reality. I knew that Edward and I were brewing a storm we were not fit to weather but it didn't matter. For once I was doing something for me and letting the rest be damned.

My hand went to the zip drive again and I knew I had to let go of that too. If I didn't show it to him until I thought it was perfect then I'd never show it to him. I dropped the receiver back to it's holder and started towards his cabin. The wind off the water blew salt through my hair. I watched the flowers of the meadow sway in the breeze and tightened my grip on the drive before knocking on his door.

He was on the phone as he opened it but he smiled and invited me in. I wondered how he was getting reception and heard him say goodbye.

"My dad," he said and shrugged. "He was checking on Sarah. Couldn't get your mom on her cell phone and figured I might know."

"Did calling him last night open up the proverbial can of worms?" I winced.

"Nah, It's fine. No worries." His hand patted the back of his hair like he did when he was avoiding something.

"I meant to ask earlier, about the ticket. I'm so sorry. I can pay you back-"

"No worries, Bluebell. It's exchangeable, refundable, whatever. I take enough trips, I'll use it."

"Thank you for doing that."

"You came all the way here to thank me for trying to send you home?" He winked at me and went to the fridge to procure two beers.

"No, I came to give you this." I held up the stick while taking the beer.

"Is that it? Your book?"

"Yes," I answered gripping it a little tighter.

"I was thinking. How fair is it that I'm going to read yours and you haven't read mine?" His arms wrapped around my waist and I could feel the coldness off the bottle on my back.

"I've read yours."

"You have? When? You never told me."

"I read them both, this past year."

"Fuck, keep me in suspense. What did you think?"

"What do you think I thought? You wrote them. I loved them."

"I hear a but."

"There's no but. But..."

"Told you."

"No! Okay not but. But," I said and laughed. "I didn't think they'd be so sad."

His lips moved from my cheek as he drew back to look at me. "You think they're sad?"

"Well not entirely, I mean obviously not. But I'm sad for Masen. He's just existing, it's like he thinks he has no purpose. His longing for connection is palpable."

Edward exhaled in deep thought and smiled. "You see what no one else does."

"I don't know about that."

"You do. You have a keen eye for longing."

"It is something I know a thing or two about."

"So, you going to give this up or what?" His hand went to my death grip.

I took a few deep breaths and let it go into his palm.

"That's it. That's all of me. And now it's yours."

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**_~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Edward to whip out his Red Vines on you.~~_**


	20. The Echo Maybe Tonight

___**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**KatieTv, Sugartits and kstewfangirl, I don't want to live in a world where y'all don't exist. In fact, I love you so much I'm finally ponying up and getting the regular CPU fixed so we can skype. I expect y'all to get drunk and saucy, you hear? Lots of love to agirlreckoning who's doing some great comma patrolling as a beta now. Thanks for being so smart and so fast! **

**I had some really sweet authors rec me this week which made my alerts and review count SOAR. Thank you spanglemaker9 and greeneyedgirl17! So if you didn't come from them already go check out their stories and leave them love too! And if you rec'd me and I didn't know about it, tell me! I'd love to thank you properly!**

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_I remember your kiss like TNT_

_How it rattled every long gone part of me_

_And in the heat of the night you shook when you said my name_

_And the precious drop of sweat running down your back_

_Like a southbound train burning down the track_

_Two martyrs in a world that would never be the same_

_~~ Bleu Edmondson, The Echo (Maybe Tonight)_

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_~~BPOV~~_

I peered into the darkness as a sweeping spotlight blinded me. The smoke machine hummed from the corner softly exhaling a thick fog across the floor. I tugged the bottom of the shorts that were barely covering my ass and felt silly and sexy at the same time. Teetering a little on the high red heels, my hand went to my hair where I pushed a loosening pin back into the curls.

The music changed from a peppy beat to a slow languid ballad. He came across the floor and the fog rolled away like he was parting the Red Sea. The light flashed across me again and his smile grew as he saw me. His eye touch started at my feet and I crossed and recrossed them as it swept up my legs higher and higher until it found the hem of the gingham romper.

I licked my lips tasting the wax of the thick red lipstick. I gave my teeth a sweep before smiling back at him as the eyes finally came to my face.

There it was. The look. The eyes that begged and pleaded. The smiling mouth that was ever so slightly contorted in pain. The need that radiated from his body. The thoughts written on his face that said he wanted to lay me down in the fog and disappear from everyone.

I'd gotten exactly what I wanted. I was the snake coiled in the tree beckoning Eve to climb my branches. I'd shined the apple to a hypnotizing glow. He was transfixed, mesmerized, and moving faster. I dazzled him.

I knew then I would give him what he wanted, what I wanted. What we'd both wanted for so long. There was no sense in denial. Tonight was our surrender.

I took a few steps back as he got closer until I was no longer in the spotlight's path. His fingers pressed into my hips as he moved me further. He panted at my neck, his chest heaving.

"We need to get out of here. Immediately." It came out in a growl.

"We can't just leave. We're getting a reputation as the dine and dashers."

"I didn't dine. So I'm just dashing. Come on."

His hand smoothed up my inner thigh and stopped just beneath my shorts daring me to say no again.

"I suppose I did put in enough of an appearance. I even danced with Garrett and Benny."

He nodded, encouraging me. "That's right. It's time to the get the fuck out of the malt shop." We stepped back again.

He pressed me against a patio door in a dark forgotten corner of the room. His hand was on my thigh and mine was searching for the door handle behind us. He let his thumb sneak higher to snake the edge of me and my knees knocked together. His other arm went above my head as he leaned in, nudging my nose with his and stealing a kiss.

Even though I could hear the other hundred people in the room, could feel their sweat in the air as they danced, I didn't care if they could see us or not. I stopped my futile search and brought my arms around his neck. There was a fire in his mouth from the Jack he'd undoubtedly been drinking and the desire I was shamelessly stoking. I felt a burn spread across my stomach and drop between my legs to sizzle at his thumb. The world fell beneath me as he opened the door and we stumbled into the night.

He caught me as I began to fall, tripping myself, and he dipped in to kiss me again as he held me in the air. We moved by mouth up the road and back to his cabin. We were at the door before I could recall ever taking a step there.

His hands were in my hair as he opened the door and we crashed into the table next to the couch. I pulled his shirt from his pants to press my hands against his skin and he ripped it off over his head. I squeaked as his lips went to the hollow of my neck. He lapped at the negative space as though he was drinking nectar from an invisible pool.

We knocked over a lamp and then a chair as we made our way in the dark to the bed. We took comfort in the familiar stability of the wall and he pinned me there sucking my neck and fighting to get his hands beneath my clothes.

"What the fuck is this? How do I get into it? Or you out of it?" He grumbled while pulling at the top which lifted the bottoms. He yanked at the legs and it moved the top against my shoulders . "Fucking booby trap. Literally."

He held me against the wall breaking our kiss to survey the puzzle before him. My lipstick was on his mouth and his hair had broken free of the finely combed pompadour to hang in his eyes. The muscles of his chest flexed as he breathed and I watched his tattoos stretch and shrink.

"There's buttons," I said as I kicked off my shoes with him and reached up to unpin my hair. It fell down my back and he struggled with the row of buttons down my front.

"Fuck me. Fucking buttons. Is it a favorite or anything?" He gritted his teeth as his eyes flashed.

"What? No. I bought it for tonight. I won't wear it again."

His teeth nipped my neck at the words he wanted to hear. His hands gripped the top as he tore it from me letting the aggravating buttons fly across the room. I heard one ping against the steel of the sink and others fall flat on the wood floor.

It slid off my hips to land at my feet and he growled again, this time at the bra in front of him. He took the center in his mouth and let go, snapping it against me. I contorted my arm to unhook the back and shook it to the floor. He stared at the bareness of my chest without moving, without touching. Nerves flushed my body as I wondered if they were big enough, perky enough, enticing enough. I fingered the edge of the blue lace of my panties as he slipped an arm around my waist and pulled me to him.

He pressed my flesh against him and I shivered as the vast landscapes of our skin met wholly for the first time. He shifted slightly to rub himself against me, his hand trailing the ridges of my spine to the sway of my back.

We spun towards the bed refusing to lose the contact we had denied for so long, and fell back against it. We laid side by side, kissing, touching, exploring. He took my nipple in his mouth as he moved my panties aside to call out the heat burning from my core. My hand wrapped around him and I was startled by the hardness that could surely burst through such a thin layer of strained skin.

He pushed away from me to stand at the edge of the bed, asked with his eyes, and then pulled down the shorts that were separating us. He sprang forth from them and he took himself in his hand, stroking, while appraising my body before him.

I glowed back at him and nodded when his eyes asked again and his free hand hooked around the last shred of cover I had. He pulled them off in a flourish and they dropped to the ground.

I ignored the little voices desperately begging me to hide the imperfections, worrying about my lack of experience or number of lovers, and a wildly high-pitched one, scared he was a complete freak who'd make me run for my cabin in fear.

Instead I focused on his hands working my body, his mouth determined to cover every inch of my skin, his dick hard as fuck and rubbing against my thigh. I knew that more than anything I wanted him inside me, right now.

His mouth found mine again and we both shook under the force of our tongues. His fingers slipped inside me, curling around the wetness and pushing me closer and closer to the edge. He felt me tighten and release, pushing away again.

"Bella, open your eyes. Look at me. You have to tell me you want it. Please tell me." His hand pressed against my heart from where he knelt next to me.

I sat up to kiss him feeling his fear melt in my mouth. "I want you. I want you inside me. Please."

He rolled over to perch against the headboard while his hand darted to the nightstand. I knew what he was after and chided myself for not remembering to think of it. Not that I'd let it happen without it but, shit, I could have been more prepared.

His arm went to me after he was through and I crawled over to him sitting on my knees between his legs. I leaned in, letting my breasts brush across his head and it pulsed into me sliding down my stomach to press against my heat as we kissed. I lifted my knee to go over his leg and drew in his erection like a magnet to my now open center.

I gasped and shuddered at the feel of him so near and he pushed my other leg over his. Long arms traveled my back to lift me up gently. He held me, suspended slightly in the air and gave me one last chance to change my mind. I stretched my hand to him and gripped his dick firmly before pushing the head past my lips and into my entrance.

His mouth dropped as he groaned and I quivered against him. He hooked both his hands on the top of my shoulders from the back and drew me down, slowly, so I could appreciate every inch filling me. When the last bit of space closed between us I cried out and shook as I called his name. My knees dug into the bed desperate for something to ground me to the earth, to him. He tightened his grip, crushing our chests against each other and feeling our hearts match the rhythm of our thrusts.

We didn't talk, we didn't kiss. We just stared at each other smiling like fools and whimpering in whispers. I felt the wave rise across me and he grunted as I clutched him and began to tremble. His face tightened and he bit down on his lip before moaning a matching Bluebell to my Edward. We pulsed together in heat and sweat, rocking on the bed before collapsing against the pillows. The cabin shuddered and came to a still.

He kissed my heart and I clamped down on him as he went to move away.

"Please, not yet. Please let me feel you fill me for a little while longer."

His hands pushed the hair from my face and pulled me back to him. Though he wasn't as hard as he was a moment ago, having him there was better than not. I ached at the thought of separating and returning from one to two.

We rolled to the side, my leg hitching over his hip beneath him and he took my hand to his pounding heart and our foreheads stuck together. Our breaths met in the space between us, refusing to the let even the air be empty of our pairing. We exhaled in unison and laughed as he kissed me softly and with meaning.

I stared into his eyes afraid of what I'd say or what I wouldn't, until they grew heavy and we both drifted to sleep and broke from each other.

* * *

I woke to the grey of early morning light. Edward was smiling at me and our legs and hands were still weaved together showing that neither of us moved all night.

"Good morning," he whispered.

"Good morning," I answered.

"So. You're here. That wasn't a dream."

"Not a dream."

"Better than a dream," he said with sleepy eyes and pulled me in closer.

"Much."

"Better than anything," he murmured brushing his lips across mine.

"Oh how you flatter. No need to blow smoke up my ass."

He pulled back and knitted his brow. "Excuse me? I don't do that shit. I'm not bullshitting when I tell you that was, hands down, the best sex I've ever had. I can't even compare. That wasn't even sex. That was..."

"Shhh, Edward, I was kidding. It was better than anything. And you're right. As much as I wanted to...do that, to have sex...I didn't expect..." I paused searching for my words, as was he.

"You didn't expect to see it all? Being inside you, I could see all pasts, all presents, all futures. Like one big tapestry before me. I swore I could hear your thoughts, feel _you_ inside _me_. I didn't expect the...the connection. Like we'd done that a thousand times before. In another life, another time."

He heaved with the exertion of his words and I understood just how heavy they were. He told me what I wondered, what was missing from his life with Rose. I pushed my hand into his hair and kissed him. I needed to ask. I needed to know.

"It's not like that with Rose?"

Edward frowned and shook his head. "No, not like that. Rose and I, we fit in a lot of ways but she, she's not connected to anything it seems."

"Why not?"

"Because of what happened to her. She literally can not trust. And you can't have something like that, what we just had, without trust."

"Edward, what happened to her?"

"We don't have to talk about this, Bella. Not if it feels weird or wrong or whatever to you."

I waited while I searched myself for the name of what I felt. I wasn't jealous of Rose, oddly enough. It didn't feel weird to talk about her. She was a part of Edward's life like anything else and I wanted to know, understand that part of him. More than anything, I worried for her.

"It's not weird. It's part of who you are."

Edward rolled to his back taking my hand with him. He stared at the ceiling before going for a cigarette on the nightstand, lit it and took a long drag.

"Before I met Rose for the first time at boarding school, she lived in New York with her family. Her dad was one of those obsessed social climbers. He had the whole family acting like they belonged with the upper crust, buying flashy shit and expensive cars. Rose was a daddy's girl to a "t". She had no idea that the life he created for them was holding on by a long thread of debt.

Well, I don't know what the fuck happened but he was about to lose it all. Foreclosure, cars repo-ed, the whole shebang, right when he was about to land a new client, a hundred year old cosmetics conglomerate. Rose said he was ape shit bonanza about the whole thing, desperate to make the sale. He kept telling her that they were finally getting what they always wanted when Rose thought they already had it.

So anways, this big fat cat dude is getting wined and dined by her dad when his son strikes a fancy on Rose. Daddy tells Rose to go out with him despite her protests and she ends up drugged, raped and violated in the fucking sickest ways imaginable."

The bed tilted and turned as the room spun and I closed my eyes. "Oh my God. How old was she?"

"Fourteen," Edward said in an exhale of smoke. "He was in his twenties. Sick fuck. She was a virgin. Beautiful like she is today, looked older, but that cocksucker knew she was fourteen."

"What happened?"

"She went to her dad who took her to a doctor. He checked her over, took pictures and gave her meds that made her pass out for days. When she woke up her family was millions upon millions of dollars richer and she was told to never speak of it again."

"What? They didn't call the cops? They accepted some kind of pay off?"

"Yep. And promptly shipped Rose off to boarding school where she was fucking everything that walked by and slicing into her arms trying to seep out her pain. Until I found her and they stuffed her in the mental ward."

"Oh my God. Poor Rose. No wonder, I mean she has to be really messed up from that."

"You haven't heard the worst part."

"It gets worse than that?" I shook my head in disbelief.

"Yeah a lot worse. After she got out of the hospital she went back home to finish high school and shit. She found out that the child fucker had a list of payoffs a mile long that started long before her and kept going strong after. Everybody knew about it. Everybody. Especially her father."

"No. Oh no. You're saying he set her up?"

"More like he set him up with Rose as the bait."

"That's disgusting! That's horrible! Who would do such a thing?"

"I know. If the fucker wasn't dead to me already I'd kill him myself."

"Dead to you? I thought you spent holidays with her family in New York."

"Her brother only. They both excommunicated from the family when Rose figured out what her dad did. He's significantly older than her, never even knew what happened in the first place. He put her in counseling, through college, back on her feet somewhat. But I just don't think you can ever fully heal from something like that."

"You really love her," I said without resentment.

"I do. Even though I know that she probably doesn't love me back. She sort of does, maybe, in her own way. She loves me for what I am, not who."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm safety, stability, a safe place to land. I know how fucked up she is and I don't judge. She doesn't like to be alone. I'm one of her people. But I've never felt like she belonged to me. I don't know. Don't get me wrong I'm not a possessive fuck but still..."

"What?"

"Okay, listen to this whole thing. Okay? Rose and I, we have an open relationship. Look at me Bella, I've never ever used it. It was her idea and I never really liked it. She brought it up when we first got together. She told me sex was like air to her and without it she suffocated. And when she suffocated she cut or got high. And I'm not talking smoke-a-doobie high, I'm talking see-you-in-three-days-when-you-come-down high. So she said that when we're more than a hundred miles from home it's like we don't exist."

"Oh fuck, Edward-"

"You weren't listening Bella. I've never done it. Ever. Sex is like air to me too. I couldn't live without it, but I do not want to go around and stick my dick in random holes. All I wanted was to be enough for her."

"So she...?"

"We don't talk about it but I don't know. We both get tested for shit regularly, use condoms and all. I don't think she does, but again, I don't know. Part of me is like you, I don't want to know. I accepted her the way she was, warts and all and hoped that my love would one day be enough."

"But how can you go on like that? What about when you're married? And have kids?"

"No. We're not. Um, she can't because of what happened and we don't want to. We like our lives adult-centered. No offense."

"None taken. I get it. Parenthood's not for everyone. Better to know that than have kids you resent or ignore."

"Yeah I guess," he said, shrugging and lighting another cigarette. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and sighed. "Fuck, how'd we get on this? This wasn't exactly how I envisioned the morning after."

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into another infamous bear hug. I settled into him, letting my cheek lie against his chest. I know he felt bad for laying that on me but I asked. After all he'd done for me, the sorrows I bore, I wanted to do the same for him.

"I wanted to know. I wanted to know because you are right. We didn't just have sex last night. We traded our souls. You already knew what I was lacking and you gave. I wanted to give for you."

His hands gripped my face as he stared into my eyes. "Bella Swan you have already given me so much. I can't take any more from you. It wouldn't be right."

"But I can't truly give you all of me." My words were air against his lips.

"Neither can I. But I hope what we can give is enough. For now."

"It's more than enough," I answered as our mouths closed on each other again and we reached for the places that would join us once more.

* * *

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love Edward to be the greaser to your pinup!~~**_

**Wanted to remind y'all to come follow me on Twitter! I post teasers and love chit chatting with readers, so come on over! Just look for TxBirdie, I'm the only one :)**


	21. Sound of Pulling Heaven Down

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Thanks to my flock: Drunknessie, Sugartits, kstewfangirl and agirlreckoning. Y'all kick ass. Thanks for not griping too much about my William Faulkner-esque lack of commas and the thumbing of my nose at grammatical rule. **

**Sorry this update was slow coming. We've been battling a few (minor) health crises around here with the dude and my littlest bebe and mama bird has not had much time to herself. However you are getting a chapter that's double the length of my usual ones, so it all works out, yeah?  
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* * *

_I'm reaching farther than I ever have before_

_Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore_

_I may be some sort of crazy_

_We may be some sort of crazy_

_But I swear on everything I have and more _

_~~Sound of Pulling Heaven Down, Blue October_

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_~~EPOV~~_

Where the fuck was my brain? Busy fucking, that's for sure. Nothing was going according to plan. I was a man possessed. When she was near me, all rational thought flew out the window. I was consumed by my need to have her. If she were a drug I would have sold my skin just to have more.

I didn't set out on this trip prepared to fuck her. If I had, maybe I would have known what I was getting myself into. After all those times I thought about it, I never could have figured it'd be like this. For the first time in my life, it wasn't just a fuck.

Last year she was a temptation. I was pissed at Rose and bored of my life. It was all the same old song, sung to a different tune. Then, in walks Bella and she's playing on instruments I've never even fucking heard of. She sang infatuation, lust, obsession and I danced to her music.

This time, fuck, we were balancing on notes never played before. There was no road map for this shit, no book of instructions. I took her to bed, and then declared my love for another. She didn't care. I mean, she cared, of course, but she cared about me. She cared about Rose. She cared that I cared. It was all kinds of fucked up. After I said it, I wanted to kick my own balls. You don't tell a woman you're with that you love another woman, even if it's true. It's like answering yes to "do I look fat in this?" There's only one answer they're looking for and "I love someone else" isn't it.

But Bella wasn't like other women. Maybe that's why I didn't even pause, didn't flinch, and didn't think before I answered. Even though she'd been my lover not hours before, she asked about Rose as a friend, listened as a friend. I'd chalk all this up to us being friends with benefits, if it was that easy. It wasn't. I've had friends I've fucked, and it wasn't like this. Besides the absence of the jealously they weren't entitled to in the first place, this thing with Bella didn't even fucking compare.

First off, even calling her a friend felt insulting, like I was cheapening what she was to me. The 'with benefits' part was just laughable. Fucking Bella wasn't a benefit. Having her like that, taking her like that, getting her like that, it was a fucking honor that I should be falling on my knees and thanking God for. For fuck's sake, I was a writer who couldn't find the words to describe how being inside her felt. And I was never at a loss for words. Ever.

Bella said we traded souls, and God bless her fucking eloquence, because I knew I wouldn't come up with a better depiction of what happened. Yeah, I loved Rose, of course I loved Rose. But I couldn't compare that to how I felt about Bella, right now, in this moment. I don't even think you could call it love. Because I've loved before and it didn't feel like this. Whatever it was, I was positive no two other people had ever felt it before, because they hadn't even come up with a name for it yet. She and I were just Bella and Edward. No labels, no explanations, no qualifiers, we just were.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her about the "situation." I didn't plan on it, even though I can't imagine keeping secrets from her. It just seemed like one of those things that was better kept to myself. For one, I didn't want her to think that I went around snagging pelts left and right. More importantly, I didn't want it to seem like I had an excuse, a free pass for what we were doing. While fidelity wasn't asked of me, I had always given it nonetheless. Until now.

Here I was, laying in my bed with her sleeping beside me, and I wanted to wake her up, and not even because I wanted to have sex with her again. I wanted to talk to her. Tell her how I was feeling, ask her what she was thinking, reassure her that we'd figure this all out in time.

Mother fucking shit. She turned me into a fucking girl. One night with her and we didn't just 'trade souls', we'd swapped units. She grew me a fucking vagina. I was all giddy and emotional, and devising a romantic interlude with candles, and flowers, and shit. I'd spent so much of this time with her not thinking, not taking my time, that I wanted to slow it way down. I wanted to fucking worship her. I wanted to do what I promised a year ago, to make love to her, for her. Not just take her in a horny rush as we knocked over furniture and tore off clothing, fucking hot as it was.

Bella scratched at her head in her sleep and turned over facing away from me. Her arm hugged a spare pillow between her legs and I fixated on the place where her waist tucked into her hip. Her back was bare and she'd kicked off the blankets. Her shoulders were covered in freckles that had been blown in a gentle scatter down her back. Her hairs were all over my pillows while her scent permeated my bed, and she was breathtaking.

She'd fallen asleep after we'd had sex again early this morning, but we both needed to be up soon to make it to classes on time. I ran my nose along that triangle of waist, and hip, and arm, and she moved a little beneath me.

"Good morning...again," I said softly.

She smiled and opened her eyes, her hand drifting to my head, letting her fingers run through my hair.

"We need to get up so we're not late. You're welcome to shower here..." My voice trailed off, hopeful.

"Ugh," she said, slapping her hand to her forehead. "The walk of shame back to the cabin in last night's clothes."

"No one can see you Bluebell, your secret is safe with me."

"Well then, I better get going. As nice as a shower sounds, I really don't want to get back into dirty clothes after." She stood from the bed and picked up her outfit from last night. "Oh right, yeah I can't wear this," she said holding up the tattered fabric.

"Fuck, Bella I'm sorry. I'll buy you another."

"Oh I don't care, I wasn't lying when I said I wouldn't wear it again. I just wasn't thinking about needing to wear it out of here."

I opened the door to the bathroom and found sweats and a shirt laying on the floor. I picked them up and handed them to her.

"Better than going naked right?" she said with a laugh, before pulling them on.

She drowned in their size but it was definitely better than sending her home in nothing but skin. I wanted to tell her to walk her cute ass down the hill and bring back all her shit, but I had a feeling that might be rash. That, and it might scare the shit out of her.

She scooped up her shit and shifted from one foot to another, glancing around the room. It took me a minute to realize she didn't know how to leave things.

"What are you doing tonight?" I asked.

"Avoiding whatever theme they're torturing us with."

"Good answer. Interested in keeping me company?" I was almost bashful, like I thought she'd say no.

"Of course."

I lifted my head and beamed at her. "Good. Come over when Zafrina leaves. I'd love to have you here earlier, but I actually have some shit I've got to take care of."

I kissed her before opening the door and watched her cross the meadow, back to her room. She waved once she reached her patio door and I lifted the hand of the arm that was leaning on my door frame. The room felt smaller without her with me, and I wanted nothing more than to fly through the day and have her back here.

I got dressed and ready for the first workshop, dragging my feet as I went. The first set of students were just plain old fucking awful. There wasn't enough talent in there to rub two nickles together, and listening to their pieces was boring the living shit out of me.

Not to mention, that Tanya chick always sat straight across from me and spent the entire class trying to catch my eye. Her novel was the worst, fluffy, girly chick-lit crap, where the characters had no redeeming qualities, and learned nothing from the life lessons thrown at them. It was obvious these things were only happening for some semblance of plot. She found herself hilarious, and couldn't keep from giggling at her own cliche jokes when she read aloud.

Her blatant attempt at being a cock tease would have been funny, if it wasn't so sad. She was either dense as sand, or her brain was full of it, because she just could not clue in that I wasn't interested. Sure, she was pretty and whatever. She had big-ass tits that she liked to let air, but she was the kind of girl you hung up wet, and my days of riding hard were long since forgotten.

Today was no different. She wore a short skirt that, for some reason, required her to cross and uncross her legs over and over beneath her desk. She made about fifteen sexual innuendos, and by the end of the session, every guy in the room, but me, had his shit in front of his hard on.

The next class was better, and there were several pieces in there that I was excited about. I could actually see this shit on the shelves. It was new, and different, and made me wish I'd written it first. Not really, but sort of. I was so sick of fucking vampires, and scared out of my gourd that I'd never be able to write anything else. Being around new authors reminded me of that thrill of inspiration and I begged for it to come calling again.

I popped into the kitchen at lunch to make some arrangements, and headed to town after my final sessions. I wished I could have spent some more time with Bella's book, but tonight needed what all the other nights lacked: some god damn preparation.

I wandered the aisles of the stores, my arms shooting out for what instinct told me I should get, but every time I put that shit back. This was Bella, and shit didn't need to be so contrived and sappy. It just needed to be us. I wanted this night to feel like a night we'd have if everything else disappeared, and we could just...be. I got back to my room just as a hotel staff member exited the door.

"Well it's all in there, just like you asked," she said, slipping her phone in her pocket and flashing a wolfish grin.

"Great, thanks..."

"Victoria. And hey, James said to tell you that he ordered a special bottle for you. Said you were dissatisfied last year with the selection. It's waiting at the bar."

"Right. The tequila. Well, we'll see. Thanks for your trouble," I said, passing cash into her hand.

"Yeah no problem," she answered while her fingers curled around the bills. "Anytime. Anything else you need, just holler."

"Literally, right? Since there's no phone and shit."

"Ha, ha. That's funny. Hey, can I ask you something?"

"I guess."

"Can I get you to sign my book? I'm a huge fan." Her eyes opened and shut rapidly as she grinned again.

"Yeah, sure. Anything for a fan. Bring it by. Just not tonight."

"Got it." She winked, and opened the door behind her to let me in, before springing off the porch and down the hill.

I unpacked the stuff from town, and took a shower to squeeze the ache out of my dick in an effort to keep tonight mellow. I was shaking the water from my hair when I heard a soft knock at the door. Pulling on a shirt, I opened the door and scooped Bella into my arms. A whole day was way too fucking long to go without touching her.

"Hey," she whispered on my neck.

"Hey yourself," I answered, before taking her face in mine and pressing my mouth to hers.

Her lips were soft, and tasted like something fruity, and my lips stuck to them as our mouths moved. I eased them open and let my tongue rub against hers until I felt the tightening of my pants and pushed off her.

"Come on in." I waved my arm around. I was a ball of fucking nerves.

"Oops, come here," she said, putting her hand to my mouth. "Lip gloss, all over your face."

Her thumb swept across my lips as she rubbed away the make-up. "Sorry, I shouldn't have put any on."

"No shit. This is a lipstick free zone. Since I'm going to kiss it off you the second I see you anyways."

We grinned at each other for a minute until she noticed the table behind me.

"What's this? Dinner?"

"Yeah. I figured our little game of hide and don't seek had you missing enough meals. Since we're not going to dinner and all that shit, I had dinner come to us."

I put my arm to her and pushed her towards the table. Laurent hadn't even balked when I asked him for a specific meal separate from whatever they were serving at tonight's party. Disco sucked balls as a party theme and I didn't even want to consider the possibilities of disco-themed food.

"Pizza. Oh my god. Yum. My favorite, how did you know?"

"Well, besides the fact that every other one of your Facebook updates is about pizza, you would not stop asking for it the other night when you were all shit-faced, so I figured it'd make you happy."

"So happy." She clapped her hands and wiggled in her seat.

"And this just isn't any pizza. It's Laurent's pizza. You'd think that fucker is Italian, the way he can make a pie. It's all highfalutin and gourmet shit, but it's the best thing you'll ever put in your mouth." I broke off a few pieces and put them on our plates before going to the fridge. "Beer?"

"Yes, please."

I opened both bottles and handed one across the table to her as the lights flickered. "What the hell?"

"You didn't hear?" she asked. "There's supposed to be thunderstorm tonight."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I fumed and took a swallow of beer.

"Um, were you planning on putting an antenna on the roof or something?"

"What? No. I thought it'd be cool to go walk the beach later or something," I said in a jumble and shoved a piece of pizza in my mouth.

"Hmm. Romantic dinner for two, moonlit walk on the beach...are you trying to woo me, Edward?

"Ha! Pizza and beer hardly qualifies as romantic, right? And yeah, maybe I am trying to 'woo' you."

"I've already been wooed, if that wasn't apparent. Your wooing has done me over."

"You've been woo-ified?"

"Yes," she said, laughing. "Well not fully. If you eat fast maybe we can make that walk happen before the rain."

"No. No rushing. All I've done with you is rush. Tonight, we're taking things slow, like tomorrow's never coming." I gave her a look and she squirmed from the intent.

"Well, you better hurry up or else there's not going to be any pizza left for you," she said, helping herself to another slice and ignoring any unsaid implications.

We polished off the entire pie, and while I lost count, I was pretty sure Bella put away more pieces than me. I was impressed. We got a fresh round of beers and she put on her sweater and tugged me to the door.

"Come on, let's go."

"What if it rains?" I said.

"Then we'll get wet," she grinned and smacked her lips.

I reached for my coat, feeling the air bite my skin when she opened the door. The wind had picked up, the sky a darkening gray. Our hands linked together as we made our way down the dunes to the beach.

We trudged closer to the water and firmer sand, to stop from sinking too deep. The rising moonlight was scattered behind the clouds and we both jumped when a distant thunder rolled, as the bagpipe notes began to pierce the night.

"I talked to Jake," Bella said, looking at her beer.

"You did, huh? What did he have to say?"

"Not much." Bella rolled her eyes and leaned against my arm. "I guess he was camping."

"He was? Who with?"

"Says he went with Sam and guys from work. That it was a perk, so to speak, for finishing their last job ahead of schedule. Claims he told me all about it and I wasn't listening."

"Did he?"

"Fucked if I know. He's right. I don't listen a lot." She shrugged and drank again. "Especially when he's blathering on about work."

"So you believe him?"

"Yeah, it has to be true since he'd know it'd only take one call to Emily to confirm. That's Sam's, his boss, wife. She's one of my closest friends."

"Oh. Does she know about...?"

"Jake and Leah? Oh, hell no. I wasn't kidding when I said I can't talk about it with anyone I know. Emily adores Jake. He and Sam are like brothers. And Leah's her cousin, so..."

"Messy."

"Yeah, no shit."

"So it's just me."

"It's just you. But I'll be honest. I almost told him I knew when we were on the phone."

"What stopped you?"

Bella chewed her cheek and shook her head into the wind. "I don't know. Seemed like one of those things that shouldn't be said out of anger. I was pissed at him for being gone, then I was pissed that he wasn't up to what I thought he was. Then I chilled out. Besides..."

"What?"

"I don't know. I think part of what's holding me back, after keeping it together for the girls and all, is that I don't want to tell him. I want _him_ to tell _me_. I want him to come clean, because then I'd know his apology was heartfelt and not mandatory. You know?"

"Yeah, sort of. That makes sense."

"I just wouldn't want to say that I know about all this, and he says he's sorry and it'll stop, blah blah blah. How could I believe him? How would I know if he's sorry he did it, or just sorry he got caught?"

"Is that what you want? For him to be sorry and for you to work it out?" I asked what I'd been thinking, and chided myself for not being able to keep the handle on the jealousy, like she had.

She blew a puff into the air and frowned. "In some ways, yeah. Then maybe I could keep my little family in tact and my kids wouldn't grow up without a daddy, like I did. But I know that even if he did, it wouldn't change how I felt about him, or our marriage. And it wouldn't change the way I felt about us," she said and squeezed my hand, telling me the last "us" meant me and her.

"So in a perfect world, what would you want?"

"I want to be in love with my husband again, and for him to be in love with me, so my girls could have it all." She swatted at a stray tear and looked to me with sadness in her eyes. "But the world is not perfect and that's not going to happen. I won't ever love him like that, I know that now." She crunched our fingers together again.

"You don't have to say anything for my benefit, Bella. I wasn't real considerate this morning." I looked at my feet in the sand.

"What was it you said earlier? You don't bullshit. Well neither do I. This situation is what it is, and either of us going on pretending it isn't, is not going to do us any favors. We can escape to each other for a week every year, but there are fifty-one more weeks of reality waiting for us at home."

"It is what it is."

"Yep."

"It doesn't always have to be."

"Maybe not. But I don't want us making promises we may not be able to keep. Okay? Live in the moment, that's where I am right now."

"Vivre pour le moment." I poured the last of my beer in the sand and poked at it with the toe of my shoe.

"Well, of course it's sexier and less depressing in French."

"I always thought everything sounded more depressing in French."

"Nah. That's German. Or Russian. Nothing sounds happy in Russian."

I laughed and wrapped my arms around her neck to hold her tight. Her nose was cold against my neck and I realized she was shivering. I dipped my face down to kiss her and let my hand hold her chin. Her arms went inside my jacket, to wrap around me, and I could feel her like there weren't ten layers of clothing between us.

She pressed her tits against me as she sucked my tongue, and I forced myself to keep my hands out of her shirt. She sunk into me further, just as a wave crashed against our legs, and the sky burst above us.

"Fuck!" I yelled, reaching down for the empty bottles we'd dropped and stuffed them in my coat pockets.

She grabbed my hand and we drowned in the sand as we ran. The tips of her hair streamed like rivers and I stopped to pull off my soaked jacket to give to her. I stepped forward to shield it over her head and tripped in the sand reaching out instinctively and pulling her down with me.

"Damn it to hell. Fucking bullshit." I pounded at the sand and reached out to help her up. She was scrambling over to push me back and straddle my lap.

"You're so pissy when things don't go your way," she said, before leaning in to brush her lips across mine.

I reached out and grabbed her neck as she moved away to yank her back down and kiss her again. We were wet and cold, and I didn't give a flying pig's shit. I sat up, with her still on my lap, grabbed her ass with my hands as she wrapped her legs around me, and I pushed up to stand.

"I fully intend to carry your ass all the way back to the room," I said, in between kissing the fuck out of her mouth.

She dropped to my neck and I nudged her head over so I could see the road.

"It'll be faster if you put me down."

"No fast tonight, Bluebell. I already told you that. Besides, I quite like you bouncing around there."

Her ankles hooked behind my back as she tightened her grip around me. "There are some things we can take slowly but this isn't one of them."

I stopped to look at her and dropped her gently to the ground just as we approached the main house. A vein of lightening split the water and sky behind us and the wind blew through our dripping clothes.

"Alright, hurry the fuck up then," I said and we took off running up the road.

We shed a good majority of the wet clothes on the porch as we bolted in the door. Bella struggled to pull off her waterlogged jeans that were caked with sand, and I headed straight for the fireplace to light the logs I'd already stacked. She practically crawled in the hearth as the fire grew and sparked, rubbing her hands together and shaking in her wet underwear.

"Good job, boy scout. It was ready and waiting. Way to be prepared." Her hands went up and down her arms as she bounced from leg to leg. "What no bear skin rug? I'm starting to think you didn't have this whole seduction scene planned out."

"I don't think I'm doing so bad. I knew I turned you on and all, but look at your skivvies, they're soaked." I tucked my finger in her waist band and tugged at the white cotton. The buttons of my fly pushed against her as I took her in my arms.

"Yeah, well this isn't going to help dry them out." She sucked in her breath as I bit at her bra. "What about you? Your jeans are practically dripping."

I laughed at the mental image and felt her cold fingers snap the buttons open and slip the pants down my hips taking my boxers with them. She bent over to pull them from my leg, letting her cheek brush against the erection I'd been sporting for the last hour. It bobbed at the contact and sought a warm cozy hole to hide in. Her head came up again, before going down the other leg, and she let my cock pass by her lips for just a second, no longer.

Her hand lifted my foot by the heel and pulled the last of my pants from my leg. I was standing butt-ass naked in front of a crouching Bella. Can't say I minded this position. My hand slid down her back to unclasp her bra and she shook it to the floor. I felt her fingertips grazing my thighs as she settled between them.

"What are you doing, Bluebell?"

"What do you think I'm doing?"

She smiled up at me coyly while she wrung water from her hair and twisted it in a knot on the top of her head. She pulled the end through the center and somehow it stayed. Fucking Houdini hair.

I grinned down at her kneeling on the floor, and she gave me a slow smile as she leaned forward. She stared at me through her lashes, never breaking eye contact, as she parted her lips and took me in.

"Oh God. Oh fuckkkkkkkk," I moaned in an instant, my hand smacked out against the mantle for support.

She giggled on my dick which sent my balls scampering up my sack, and all my blood pounding in her mouth. Her tongue flattened against my width, as my entire length slid down her throat. She milked me with her mouth, from base to shaft to tip, rolling her tongue across the top. I groaned again as she flicked at my sweet spot, letting her teeth run gently across it, while I pulsed against the roof of her mouth. She took me whole again, swirling her tongue, tightening her lips, and alternating in speed and pressure, and it was a fucking miracle I didn't die right there.

I gripped the mantle as I leaned forward, losing the use of my legs. After one long suck, she dropped me from her mouth and I panted against my forearm, watching her look up and grin. She blew on my slit and took me again, in a loose open mouth, letting her tongue do laps around the head. Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, she kissed me softly before sucking hard and fast again, and I knew I was going to lose it in her mouth.

I panicked for a moment wondering what I should do. Did I just shoot off and expect her to choose, spit or swallow? I mean, she obviously had done this before and knew the ending, I just didn't want to assume. Did I look for somewhere to catch my load? Problem was, my socks were on the porch and my boxers were now full of sand. There were towels in the..._oh fuck what's she doing?_

Before I could let my over analytical inner monologue spoil the best blow job of my whole damn life, she teased my ridge with her teeth again and my dick started spasming. She pulled it from her mouth and threw back her head, spraying her tits with my cum. I held her face in my hand as I marked her with my seed, and I panted at the primal-ness of it all. She was mine. Mine. She was covered in me. I was in her skin, and now, I wanted in her body.

She smiled again and winked as she pulled herself to stand. She walked to the kitchen sink to clean up and pointed out the window.

"If it wasn't raining, I'd be all over that," she said.

"It is my goal to get you in there before the week is over." I came up behind her to take her breast in my hand and bite at her neck. Her skin was still cold to the touch. "Fuck Bella, you're freezing."

"Getting warmer by the minute," she said when my hand rolled across her nipples, and my tongue pushed at the space where ear meets jaw.

I let one hand go lower as I worked her breasts and nibbled her neck. I pushed beneath her panties to fondle her and she shuddered in my hand.

"The things you do to me..."

"Did I tell you or did I tell you?"

"You told me," she cried, as I pushed one finger into her and then another.

I moved my wrist against her clit, feeling our veins throbbing against each other. She pulled me in further and I crooked my fingers to reach that place that would pull heaven down for her.

Her hands gripped the counter and she twisted her neck to stroke my tongue to the rhythm of my fingers. I sucked her lip as she came in my hand, and spun her towards the bed with my fingers still inside her. I moved them slowly as she rode the waves.

"Edward, I, uh, oh god..."

I laughed and laid her on the bed sliding my fingers to her clit, taking my time to let another orgasm build. I liked this view, sitting above her and looking at her splayed before me. She was fucking perfect. Beautiful, soft, tight, wet, perky, smiling, and mine. For right now, she was mine.

I kissed her gently and touched her everywhere. When it was time, I entered her slowly and with purpose, watching her face as I filled her. I swung my hips and she closed her eyes, and I was fixated by the arc of lashes against her cheek. I lifted my hand to touch them and lost my balance, falling against her. She wrapped her arms around my back. We moved together in quiet and I breathed against her face. My fingers dug into her hips as she pushed against me and I felt her shake, and come again.

"Open you eyes Bella. I want to see you."

Her eyes fluttered open and I jumped in them as I ground into her. I was as deep in her as I could be, without splitting her open and crawling inside. I could feel her heart against mine as we rocked. I wanted to fuck her without a veil of latex, so that I could feel all of her and leave myself inside. I settled for what I had and released, quaking and crushing her beneath me.

If this was all I could have, this was all I would take. I wouldn't be a greedy fuck and rush to mess this up. Bella had to do what she had to do, and so did I. I wasn't going to fuck up her life by asking for more, no matter how much I wanted it. I would plug into Bella and recharge in this time she gave me.

She rolled over and pulled me against her back to hold her as she fell asleep. I listened to her in the darkness and when she collapsed into a deep sleep, I wrapped a blanket around my waist, and went to the table where my notebook and laptop had sat untouched all week.

Everyone had been on my case about the draft of the third book, feeling like it was lacking something. Masen's quest for purpose had reached a pinnacle in book two, and Jasper kept telling me his relationship with the one woman to ever get under his skin, was inauthentic. I was fucking pissed at him for days, but I got it now. For the first time, I truly understood the character I'd been writing for the last five years.

I knew why Masen was compelled to take her blood, even though he didn't want to kill her; why it tormented him like nothing else had. I knew why he desired to feel her inside him the way he'd been inside her. Because if I could, I'd open Bella's veins and drink her just to feel her blood run through me.

I filled the pages with thoughts before turning on the computer and tapping the keys away until dawn. Just before the sun rose, I snuck to Bella's cabin and grabbed some clothes and her bag of shit from the bathroom. We were down to the wire with just a few days left, and I wanted her with me as much as possible.

A day full of seminars put a damper on that, but I stalked her around the grounds between courses, to steal kisses in forgotten hallways and dark stairwells. I had to pinch myself a few times through the pocket of my pants to focus on my students, but all in all, I survived. Friday night I whisked Bella off for a replay of last year's hot tubbing adventure, while the rest of the goons went to salsa and cha-cha their little hearts out. This time we did all the things we wished we had before, and more. I knew I'd be reliving that night, pumping my shit alone in the year to come.

Saturday morning came too soon. We woke early, emerging from our orgasm-haze for breakfast, and to partake in the mayhem of weekend lectures. My morning lecture had filled up so fast, they asked for another in the afternoon. I'd obliged, and now I wished I hadn't, since it meant less time with her, near her, inside her.

We moved further from each other the closer we got to the lodge. It was done by instinct, and by both of us. Even though we were pretty sure everyone in there knew what we were up to, it still seemed right not to make it obvious.

"If it ain't my brother from another mother. Come here you fucking bastard."

Scratch that. Not everyone in there knew what was going on. Mother fucker. I'd totally forgotten. She'd fucked the brain right out of my head.

"Jasper, man, how are you?" We did the bro hug thing and I saw Bella glance around and fidget out of the corner of my eye. "Hey, this is a friend of mine, Bella. Bella this is Jasper, my agent, my brother-in-law, my number one pain in the ass." I tried not wince as 'friend' rolled from my tongue.

"It's nice to meet you Jasper, I've heard a lot about you."

"Thanks Bella," he said and I didn't miss the curiosity in his eyes. "So are you a writer or a fan?"

"Aspiring writer. Oh and a fan, of course," she added with a laugh.

"Are you taking any of Edward's courses?" he asked.

"Not this year," she answered. I could tell he was making her nervous and I think the fucker was doing it on purpose.

"Oh. I see."

_What the fuck was he up to? _It wasn't like he was being rude but he wasn't exactly friendly either.

"Jaz, I've got a couple hours before my first lecture. Want to blow this popsicle stand and head to town for some eats?" I knew that this place had the best food in a hundred miles, but I couldn't take the chance Jasper would catch on to Garrett and Benny's ribbings. Or Zafrina's pointed stares.

"Sure thing. I just gave a porter my shit. Let's go. Are you joining us Bella?"

"What?" she asked, like it was the most preposterous thing she'd ever heard. Score one for Bella's acting skills. "No, thank you. My first lecture is in less than an hour. Maybe I'll see you guys around later."

I took Jasper around back and we climbed in my car to set off for town. Bella and I had been so holed up in my cabin that I missed driving her. I headed to an ocean front cafe and we snagged a table out front. Jasper let me down a cup of coffee before he started in.

"So. Who's Bella?"

"What do you mean, who's Bella? You just met her. She's a friend from the conference."

"She's been here before?"

"Yeah, last year she was in my voice class."

"And she's from Forks."

"How the fuck did you know that?"

"Alice."

"And how does Alice even know about Bella? She fucking psychic or something?"

"Your mom. Your mom called Alice after your dad said he got quite the panicked phone call from you. They wanted to know who the fuck Bella was, and we hadn't a clue." He sat back in his chair and stirred his coffee cocking his eyebrow at me.

"She's a friend. Like I said." I shrugged noncommittally. "When her kid got hurt I knew Dad would be at the hospital. Figured I could help ease her worry."

"So she just happens to be from Forks?"

"What are you getting at?"

"It's too convenient, Edward. I know you have like, no awareness of how big you're getting, but I field the fucking phone calls and emails all day. And then this chick shows up, following you to conferences, getting your family involved..."

"Bella's not a stalker, Jaz." I couldn't help but laugh. "She'd never even read my shit when I met her. She is a writer. A fucking good one. If I were you, I'd stop being suspicious and start kissing her ass in hopes that she solicits you to represent her."

Jasper's eyes narrowed in a way that was more concerned, and less pissed off. "You're sticking your dick in her, aren't you?"

"Don't you ever fucking say that again or I swear to God, I'll pulp your face."

"I'm not fucking Emmett, shut your mouth. And you are. It's written all over your face. You're fucking her."

"I can say, with the sincerest honesty, that I am not 'fucking' her."

Jasper studied me and tapped his fork on the table. I fumed for his benefit, like I was offended at the thought, and panicked inside. I should have known better than to think I could hide anything from him.

"You're doing something alright. I hope you know what it is."

I didn't answer and stared at the ocean, like I hadn't heard him.

"I got that new stuff you sent me. We're finally on the right track. I'm thinking number three is going to be the best one yet. That shit with Masen and his girl was fucking intense."

I scoffed and nodded unable to pull my eyes from the deep blue of the sea. I knew he'd go ape shit for that revision. I sighed and took a gulp of coffee.

"So maybe I do know what I'm doing."

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_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for a roll in the sand with Edward~~  
**_

**In the middle of writing this chapter I had the honor of seeing Blue October's acoustic show where they performed this song. I'd always loved it but as soon as I heard him sing the rest of this chapter came to me. I love inspiration. Makes me tingly. Go listen to the link on my profile, it's worth it!**

**I know I alluded to some hot hot tub sexin' and I fully expect to be flamed for leaving out the details, but hey that's what outtakes are for, right? ;)**


	22. The Promise

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

_****_**For my lovers, drunknessie, Sugartits, kstewfangirl, and agirlreckoning. Y'all know why you're so cool. Plus you like it when I fill your box ;). Special thanks to ms. vanessarae who offered her awesome skills to polish some of the early chapters****back when I was flying solo. ****I love how invested all y'all are in this story and making it great. I also love how my thank you list continues to grow. If you read, reviewed, rec'd, tweeted, wrote in sky letters, whatever, I thank you too!**_**  
**_

* * *

_Remembering_

_Your touch_

_Your kiss_

_Your warm embrace_

_I'll find my way back to you_

_If you'll be waiting_

_~~The Promise, Tracy Chapman

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_

_~~BPOV~~_

"Zafrina, do you hate me?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because this wool skirt is chafing the hell out of my legs. And you still haven't told me who I'm supposed to be."

"But guessing is the part of the fun! None of us tell our characters, we all guess."

"I get that. But I should know my own costume right?"

"I can't believe you haven't guessed. I thought I made it so obvious. The bunch of wildflowers, the pheasant pin. Maybe I should have streaked coal across the blouse."

"Coal? Wait a damn minute-"

"I figured it out! I figured it out! Good one Zaf, but Bella's going to be pissed." Garrett pushed through the swaying bodies on the dance floor and pointed at me.

"No she isn't."

"Bullshit. I just want to know what Cullen said when you asked him if he could do a Derbyshire accent? Did he tell you to fuck off? Did he?"

"Derbyshire? Zafrina! Lady fucking Chatterley? Are you kidding me?" I spun around and glared at her while Garrett threw back his head to laugh.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch. I could have made you Hester Prynne."

"She's from the wrong century, Z. You didn't seriously ask Edward to be Oliver, did you?" I dug my fingernails into her arm as I stage whispered in her ear.

"No, I didn't. If I had, you might actually have killed me. Though he would make quite the Lady Chatterley's lover."

"Aw come on, pup. It's funny if you think about it," Garrett said, ruffling my hair.

"You two can tease me all you want but keep your fucking lips zipped around Edward and Jasper. This doesn't need to get back to his family."

"Jasper?" Zafrina asked. "He's quite the successful agent, isn't he? Several notable clients, has really made a name for himself."

"What's your point?" I said.

Zafrina smiled, "He's pretty smart, that one. Has a good read on people."

"So you're saying he thinks something is up?"

"I'm saying nothing. But you didn't give us the benefit of the doubt, now did you?" she answered as she drifted into the crowd.

I rolled my eyes and glanced at a grinning Garrett. "Wipe that face off your head, bitch. I'm taking no prisoners."

"No shit. Let's get you out of here. Pissed-off-Bella is amusing, but no fun." Garrett motioned across the room to Kate and crew and ushered me to the door.

"Where are we going?" Benny asked.

"This party is dullsville. Doing themes every night sort of takes the fun out of the big finale. I'm burnt out. How about the Tavern? You game?" Garrett said to the group.

"I'll meet you there. I want to get out of this scarlet letter." I tugged at the skirt that was currently burning a hole through my thigh and grimaced.

"You better come back or I'll march my ass up to that cabin and rip you out of there. You've been invisible this trip long enough. It's the last night Bells, come out and play."

I looked at each of their eager faces and laughed. _When had I become so popular?_

"I have every intention of returning. I just need to go slather myself in Gold Bond and prepare to drink away my pain."

When I made it back to my cabin, I dropped the skirt on the floor and wiggled into a pair of jeans. I almost left on the ridiculous lacy blouse just so I wouldn't have to deal with the row of tiny pearl buttons. After what was sure to cause an onset of carpal tunnel, I got out of the top and into something of my own.

I walked to the patio door while running my fingers through my hair. I could see nothing across the meadow, meaning that Edward's cabin was still dark. I didn't know when he'd be back or if I'd even see him tonight. The day had been entirely absent of him, and it looked like the night would be no different.

I couldn't fault him for hanging with Jasper, obviously, but also couldn't help but feel panic and dread at the thought of leaving him, without having him again. I hadn't prepared myself for that, I thought we had one more night together. I would have to get used to many more nights without him but I at least thought I could say goodbye.

I shook off the tears that wanted to come and walked back to the Tavern, and into the arms of a waiting Jameson and Ginger. I wrapped both hands around the glass and glugged greedily.

"Hey, that's mine," protested Garrett as he watched.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "Not anymore it isn't. Don't pout, I'll buy you another. James, more please. Lots more."

I nodded down the bar and Garrett reached for my shoulders as I titled the glass for the last drops. He began kneading away the tension I'd built, wearing the weight of this world on my shoulders. His touch pushed at the floodgates that were already swollen and begging to burst. I put a drink in his hand as fast as I could.

"Thanks buddy," I said as his hands dropped from my back.

We stayed at the bar sipping our drinks, despite the party our friends were having at a table across the room.

"You okay, Bella?" Garrett asked without looking at me.

"Sure. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Don't let Zafrina get to you too bad. She just cares about you, you know? We all do. She's just teasing you, not judging."

"It's cool. I'm cool. Seriously."

"Aren't ready to go home yet?"

I took a deep breath and let it settle before exhaling. "Yes and no. I miss my kids so badly. I've been calling my mom everyday, but half the time I get her voicemail. She's keeping them busy and I know they're having a blast. But yeah, part of me dreads going back to the life that slowly chokes me."

"Hey, did you know that I didn't have a physical mailing address for about ten years?"

"Um, no," I said, wondering what his point was.

"I just got to this place where I realized that I could work the rest of my life, and surround myself with all kinds of stuff, but that it wouldn't really matter. I could have the nice house, the bloated bank account, the smiling wife, but it didn't make me happy. They were just things."

"You were married?"

"Yeah, for a spell. College girlfriend. Proposed the night of graduation and climbed on the hamster wheel that next week. She was a fine girl, sweet. But what she wanted from life, was exactly what I didn't."

"What did you do?"

"I let her go. I set her free. Because chaining her to my unhappiness wasn't doing either of us any favors."

"It didn't break her heart?"

"It did, at the time. But I think she realized later what I'd done for her. We weren't the same people we were when we married. She's happy now, great husband, couple of kids, big ass house. She's got what she wanted. She did not want a nomadic life on the road, owning nothing but what she could carry."

"Is everyone divorced? Does no one stay married anymore? Zafrina, you, my parents. When did forever stop being for forever?"

"I'm not sure, pet. I just didn't really know who I was when I promised her forever. That was my mistake. A marriage just doesn't work unless you have a sense of self. How can you contribute to the 'we' without understanding the 'me'?"

"And now? With Kate? Is it forever?"

"I wouldn't have done it again unless I was sure it was. Me and Garrett, are like this," he said hooking his first two fingers together. "We've spent a lot of time with each other and we were ready. What about you? Did you know who Bella was when you got that ring on your finger?"

I looked down to my ring and twisted it around with my thumb. "Not really. I don't think I know who I am now."

He set the empty glass down on the bar letting out a quiet burp. His eyes went over my head as he opened his mouth to speak, "Sounds like it's time to figure that out."

He placed a kiss on the top of my hair and patted my shoulder before walking to the table. I watched him rub Kate's belly before settling in a chair and laughing at Benny's story.

I ran my fingers along the beads of sweat on the glass and felt him approach. My shirt stood off my body from the electricity he created on my skin. I didn't want to turn, didn't want to look, in case he was with Jasper. My foot started to bounce as I feigned nonchalance.

"Hey, Bella. How are you?" he asked in an unfamiliar, formal way.

I lifted my glass in response and smiled before taking a drink. I knew now it would almost be worse being with him like this, and than not at all.

Jasper smiled at me and nodded before motioning to James.

"We'll take two of what she's got. Wait, make that three," he added as I drained my glass. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to see a man about a horse."

We stood there awkwardly as James brought the drinks.

"This doesn't have to be weird."

" It's not weird. I'm..."

"What?"

"I have no problem just hanging out with you. Honestly it might be my favorite thing about, well, us. But it's the last night. I just didn't know last night was the actual last night. I wanted to say goodbye."

Edward closed his eyes and pushed his hands into the bar. "Break my heart why don't you?" His eyes opened as he stepped to me and took my chin in his hand. "This can't be goodbye, Bella. Tonight with Jasper is going to be practice. For us, in the real world."

"Edward, I-"

"Shh. I cannot go back and live in a world where you don't exist. I tried that once, and failed miserably. We could be…friends?"

His eyes bore into mine and I felt my resistance waver. There was a time I believed being his friend was better than nothing at all.

He shifted away and I knew Jasper must be coming back. I took another swallow of whiskey and prayed it would silence the millions of thoughts clanging around my head.

I forced my eyes away from him, and the hair I desired to run my fingers through, bringing his mouth down to mine. I glanced to Jasper who had one hand on the bar and another in his pocket playing with his change. He noticed me watching and one corner of his mouth turned up. He was cute in an artsy, bohemian kind of way. His hair was longer than Edward's, and blonde, which didn't do it for me, but I could see the appeal.

He pushed his hands through it, aware of my notice. I should have cared that he caught me staring, but I didn't. I took another drink and glanced back to him. He was studying me

like an anthropologist discovering a new colony.

"Here," he drawled to Edward, pulling his hand from his pocket. "Go liven up this joint."

Edward glanced between us before taking the change and moving to the jukebox. Jasper waited until he was across the room before turning back to me. He smiled, showing his teeth and I wasn't sure if it was calming or alarming.

"Relax, Bella, I don't bite," he said and laughed. "I'm sorry about earlier. I know I was not particularly friendly. When it comes to Edward these days, I tend to be a little protective."

"I'm pretty protective of my family too," I said with a shrug.

"He has become quite the pain in the ass little brother to me. Edward says you have kids? Two girls?"

"Yeah I do. What about you?"

"No, none for us yet. Maybe in the future." He smiled. "Esme, mother-in-law, can't wait. Do you know Esme?"

"No, not personally. I've seen her in town and stuff."

"Quite the coincidence you're from Forks."

"Small world I guess."

"Gets smaller everyday." Her grinned again and reached for his glass.

"How did you two meet?" I asked as Edward joined us at the bar. "I'm assuming not just through your book. I mean you've been married to Alice for awhile right?"

"I didn't tell you that?" Edward asked. I shook my head and he reached between Jasper and I for his drink. His leg pushed against mine and I felt the heat of our bodies spread across me.

"Funny story actually," Jasper said.

"So you met Elizabeth last year. Well, when I was living with her, she published her first book. Got snapped up by the first agent she approached. Even though she had a ton of agents begging for her manuscript, she stuck with him. Pretty much made his fucking career."

"Hey now," Jasper interrupted. "She wasn't my first sale or anything."

"She was the first one anyone noticed," Edward teased.

"So anyways, when Edward finished his first novel she insisted he query me," Jasper said.

"And the fucker turned me down cold."

"What? You turned down _Vampires After Midnight_?" I asked.

"No, I turned down, Edward, help me out, what was the name of that book?"

"Shut the fuck up. Okay? I know it sucked. A hundred query rejections drove that point home solid."

"Anyways. I met him again at a book launch for Elizabeth and we got to talking-"

"Only because you thought my date was hot!" Edward laughed. "He was pretty happy to find out she was my sister and not my girlfriend."

"That I was. So after I'm done fawning over Alice, she leaves early and I go ask him for her number. We get to talking, like I said, and he mentions this little vampire book he's been working on and I think it sounds interesting. The rest is history."

"You got the book and the girl," I said.

Jasper chuckled and winked. "I did, I did."

"So Elizabeth is the lynch pin again, huh?"

"I told you I owed her for some of the best things in my life." He smiled and squeezed my arm out of habit. It didn't go unnoticed by Jasper.

"So do I ," Jasper said. "Y'all are my most successful authors plus I found the love of my life. I love what I do and I do what I love." He stretched his arms over his head and yawned. "But tell me Edward, other than sending your sorry ass my way, what else has the great Elizabeth given you?"

Edward rubbed his eyebrow and smiled. "Pretty much everything."

I lifted my glass again to hide my grin and sneaked a peek at Jasper. He'd dropped his arms to pull out his button down shirt and take his tie over his head. He looked like a kid tired of playing dress up and depositing his wears as he went.

"On that note I'm going to take my leave. I need to hit the hay before the long drive tomorrow." His hand clapped Edward's shoulder. "You two kids have fun, you hear?"

He finished his drink and waved to Garrett across the room before heading out the door. I looked back to Edward who shook his head and laughed.

"Where is he from? I love his accent."

"Yeah, that's what roped Alice in too. Texas somewhere. I can't remember the name of the town at the moment. I've got more whiskey than blood in my veins."

I put my fingers to his wrist to feel his heartbeat. "Were you guys out somewhere?"

"Went in to town for awhile. Found a biker bar out of the way, had some laughs and a bottle of Jack. Trying to forget I'm leaving you tomorrow." He took my hand to his mouth and kissed it.

"No more. I can't talk about goodbye anymore tonight."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Truthfully I don't really want to talk at all," I said and he laughed, "but I would like to know if you've had a chance to read what I gave you."

He grimaced ever so faintly but I noticed.

"Oh God. You hate it. That's why you haven't said anything, you didn't know how to tell me."

"No, Bella, stop. I don't hate it. I haven't said anything because I wasn't sure what to say. And I'm not entirely done with it. I needed to think on it a bit."

"So what are you thinking?"

"You are an immensely talented writer. You can turn a phrase in ways I've never heard before. And you have a knack for storytelling, you draw the reader in from the beginning. Even the smallest plot points don't get lost."

"But? There's a but, right?" I chewed my lips, nervous for the answer.

"Not a but. Well sort of, a small but." He took a deep breath and my anxiety grew. "This is a good story but I think, maybe, it's too close to home. You've written something I can so clearly see you in, that I'm worried this subject matter can't be dealt with objectively by you. In turn, it's sort of crippling your writing." He cringed as he spoke.

I took a minute to absorb his words. I thought I knew what he meant. In fact, I knew I did. There had been something about the story that didn't sit right with me either. It was what kept that feeling of hesitation building up, prompting me to work on other projects, rather than finish and submit it. I was too close to the protagonist without even truly realizing it, I'd written myself.

"You're too quiet. Fuck, Bluebell. This isn't an insult, okay? Your writing is beyond amazing. You are really fucking talented. But you're just too close to the subject matter to be multi-faceted about it. I think you should take your original idea, a marriage that crumbles, but make the catalyst be something besides an affair, you know? Say something."

"I'm listening. I'm not offended, I promise. I actually am really listening because you've said exactly what I haven't been able to put my finger on."

Edward sighed in relief and took my hands in his. "It's just not everything I know you're capable of. Plus, you don't want to publish something so personal. Can you imagine people you know reading it? Seeing you and Jake in it? Critiquing your character choices and actions? As writers we put ourselves into everything we write, but not literally. You can't do it. It would destroy you."

"I understand. I get it, I do."

"Fuck, I feel like such an asshole."

"No you're not. I think I just took 'write what you know' a little too literally."

He laughed and pushed his cheek into my shoulder. "I made the same mistake once too. Elizabeth had to have a conversation much like this one, with me."

"She did? Was that your first book?"

"No, long before that. That first book was just crap on its own. Most authors write many manuscripts before getting published. Our first works aren't often our best. Look at it like practice, not failure. And do not stop writing. I fucking mean it. If you stop because I told you this isn't the one to get published, I will come up to Forks and kick your ass personally."

"I won't, I promise. I'm working on something else already. And this, feedback, it's—I can't even—I appreciate it so much. You did exactly what I asked. Thank you."

"Thank you for trusting me with it. And for knowing my words weren't meant to tear you down. I don't ever want to do anything but lift you up."

We sat giving each other those goofy moon-pie grins even though my heart was breaking a little. It wasn't that my ego was bruised, but my hopes were dashed. There would be no magical golden ticket for a boat ride from the predicament I'd put myself in.

"Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"Can we be done talking ourselves sober again? Why do we always do that?"

"Because we like to talk to each other as much as we like to fuck each other?"

I threw my head back and laughed so loud Garrett's group stopped their chatter and looked to us. Edward was still holding my hand, resting his face on the other, his elbow perched on the bar, our knees knocked together. I realized how we must of looked, but I was getting past the point of caring. They'd all made it clear how much they knew anyways. I smiled at Benny as their conversation picked up again.

"James? I heard something about a bottle of tequila?"

"Old Vick relayed the message, huh?" James said producing a bottle from behind the bar.

"Now that's what I'm talking about. Good job, kind sir."

James moved to open the blue top and Edward stopped him.

"We'll be taking this to go, don't you think?" he asked and I nodded. He reached for the bottle. "Charge it to me, limes too. And I'm stealing a salt shaker." He shook a finger at James and grinned.

"Gank some shot glasses too," I said and I grabbed them off the bar.

"You heard the lady, shot glasses too. Oh, and do me a favor. Put their tab on my bill also, okay?"

His arm went around me as we waved to Garrett, Benny and the gang. As soon as we were outside the door, he put his mouth on mine and pushed his tongue inside. My hands gripped the glasses as our arms wrapped around each other.

"Edward," I panted, "not here. The party is letting out, there's people…"

"Sorry, I couldn't wait another fucking minute to do that. And I hope you don't mind I just rushed us out on the group. But I wasn't going to spend another night sucking salt off your wrist and wishing I could have you naked."

"No apologies necessary. I want nothing more for you to suck salt off me naked."

His free hand plunged past the waistband of my jeans to the buzzing warmth that was building beneath.

"Fuck, you know how badly I wanted to do this then, right? I've showed you that? A year ago, exactly a year ago I thought I would break if I couldn't have you."

"What a difference a year makes," I whispered in his ear. My tongue flicked at his lobe and he

shivered.

He pressed into my clit before bringing his hands back out of my pants. "Get your ass up that hill as fast as those legs can carry you. Or I'm going to take you right there on the road, fuck all who could see."

I wiggled from his grasp and broke out in a run, glad I'd put on my trusty old sneakers. Otherwise, I'd be tripping over myself, and he'd think I'd given up and lay on the road, to be taken like a dog in heat.

I opened the door and ran in the cabin and he lapped at my feet like fire across a streak of gasoline. I set the glasses on the table and turned to see him tossing the tequila and bag of limes on the couch. He ripped off his shirt over his head and took off his shoes. He stood, chest heaving and pointed to me. I kicked off my sneakers and he shook his head. I tugged on my shirt and he nodded slowly.

I looked down at the buttons of the plaid shirt and pretended to struggle with them. He took a step to me and I stepped back, shaking my head and putting my hand out. He gripped the back of the chair at the table and watched me work each one open; one at a time and painfully slow. I kept the shirt closed despite being unbuttoned, only letting him peek at the lace beneath. If he wanted to play, I would play.

When all the buttons were done, he pointed at the floor and I brought my hands to each lapel to pull it back, unwrapping myself for him. I left the shirt on the floor and shook my hair down my back. He pointed again to his bare chest and my bra and I smiled knowing what he wanted. Rather than unclasping the bra and taking it right off, I slid each strap off my shoulder and pulled my arms out. I tucked one hand inside and lifted each breast out as the bra slid down to my waist.

He groaned as I cupped my own breasts and I licked my lips to smile again. I unhooked the bra while he panted. His hands went to the buttons of his fly and he kicked his pants across the room. I put my fingers to my jeans when he pointed to me, knowing the crotch would stick against me as I pulled them down. This game of show and tell was firing all the right buttons.

I could see him bulging against the fabric of his shorts and I tugged at my panties to loosen the string riding into my slit. He stepped around from the table but kept the same distance as he yanked them down and freed himself. I hooked the corners of the lace again and pushed them down slowly. He reached for himself as he watched me and moved his erection in his hand. I flicked the panties off my ankles and danced my fingers across my hip.

His eyes circled in surprise when I let my hand dip down to touch myself. I wet my fingertips and brought them to my breast enclosing my nipple in their warmth, pinching and pulling. My other hand went back to the throbbing center and I pushed against its ache knowing I was making him crazy.

He pumped himself harder as he watched, his eyes crazed and his mouth hanging open. I couldn't help but giggle as I backed myself toward the bed. He took a few steps closer to maintain the distance but didn't come any further. I perched on the edge of the bed opening my legs and giving him the view he wanted. He growled and I laughed, slipping one finger inside.

"Fuck, Bella. Oh my God, what are you doing to me? Watching you finger yourself. Holy fuck."

"Do you like it?" I asked, suddenly shy.

"Are you kidding me? It's the hottest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life."

I closed my eyes and smiled as I worked myself. He made me want to do things I'd never even thought of before. I just wanted to feel sexy, beautiful and desired but he took those to another level. I opened my eyes, to watch him watch me, and saw that he was closer than before and was holding a packet in his hand.

I could feel myself buzzing with want, seeing him stroke himself and preparing to take me. Just the thought of him inside me made my stomach drop and my sex clench against my hand.

"Do you want me…to wait?" I struggled with the words as I felt the first wave rise in my stomach.

"I want you to come. On my dick," he said, pouncing forward and pushing my hand away as he thrust into me in one smooth motion.

What was empty, was suddenly filled, and I flew back on the bed unable to support myself under the release of orgasm. His hand went to my nipples as I squeezed him from inside. He held steady as I rode him out and when I finally stopped shaking beneath him, he moved again, slowly, holding my hips at the edge of the bed where he stood.

He stared at my face as we drove ourselves against each other and even though we'd done this before, many times before, I blushed under his watchful eye. The red of my cheeks made him smile and he reached out to touch them.

"You are so beautiful, Bluebell. And you don't even know it."

I sat up to kiss his lips and pulled him down to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck letting him support the arc I'd created with my body as his hands grabbed my ass to pull me in closer. We moved together again with his teeth sunk in my bottom lip. I whimpered as I felt him grow inside me and I tightened against him again.

"Edward," I cried unable to stop myself from calling his name. His name was all my mouth wanted to say.

"Bella, my Bella," he whispered on my neck before grunting and screaming as he came.

The force of him filling me was the final strike and I let myself go, to quake against him again. I bit at his shoulder, pulled at his hair, and wrapped my ankles around his back to pull him in as far as he could possibly go. His name would not stop rolling from my tongue and by the time we both collapsed in stillness, I must have said it a thousand times.

"You made me scream like a girl," he wheezed.

"You made me come twice," I said, equally out of breath.

"Get used to it. There's Gatorade in the fridge, we're doing that again."

I laughed and nipped his shoulder, running my tongue along the indent left by my teeth when I came.

"I don't want to sleep tonight. I don't want to eat, I don't even care if I breathe. All I want to do until I have to leave tomorrow, is this."

He took my face in his hands and pushed away my hair. He held me for a minute and then brushed his lips across mine. He sighed and touched the tips of our noses together. I knew what he wanted to say because I thought it too.

"I don't know how I'm going to be able to say goodbye to you."

There it was; the impossible thing we'd have to do. We'd done it to ourselves and now we'd have to live with it. I was lying in the proverbial bed, so to speak. I swallowed my pain and turned to him.

"But it's not goodbye, it's until we meet again."

He gazed in my eyes running his thumb across my cheek. "You'll come back to me?"

"That is a promise I can keep."

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**_~~ I'd love reviews more than you'd love for them to figure this whole mess out.~~_**

**Also, my Ruth (ie publicist), drunknessie, is practically dying for this fic to pass 1000 reviews. She thinks y'all can make that happen this update. I told her not to be such a whip cracker but she promised if it happened she'd crack the whip on me harder to get the next update out faster. I think we should up that ante and if it does happen, I'll post an outtake voted by popular opinion. So get me to 1000, leave what you'd like an outtake of, and we'll see what happens ;)**


	23. Blinding

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**This week I'm handing out my love yous to y'all first. You got me way closer to a thousand than I could ever dream! And unless you've all disappeared on me I'm going to pass that mark shortly after this posts. That's freaking amazing! It was really cool to see new names amongst the reviews with some old favorites. I posted this a wee bit sooner, a week later rather than a week and a half so we're making progress even without getting to the goal because you deserve to be rewarded! I will also be working on an outtake, though not all of you told me what you wanted! I know the story can't be missing _any _gaps for so many of y'all ;)**

**Now the love for the much deserving TUiB team, drunknessie, sugartits, kstewfangirl, agirlreckoning, thanks for being the types of friends a girl can call on anytime. You're the best!  
**

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_And I could hear the thunder and see the lightening crack_

_And all around the world was waking, I never could go back_

'_Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open_

_And finally it seemed, that the spell was broken_

_~~Blinding, Florence and the Machine_

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_~~BPOV~~_

I let myself wallow in the loss of him only until Seattle, no further. I shouldn't have taken it over state lines in the first place. My mourning should have been left at the edge of California and Oregon, rather than smuggled across with me like illegal fruit. I half expected the state border patrol to greet me at the gates. "Ma'am we're aware you're harboring a broken heart and a bunch of bananas. We're going to have to take you in."

We hit turbulence on the descent, surrounded by a perpetual rain storm. It was too dark for day and the rain was louder than I remembered it, angry and forceful. It was the kind of rain that could power wash a car or wipe a slate clean.

I had two hours to kill before hopping on the miniature plane that would lead me home. I soaked in the buzzing metropolis of airport life. I watched the hurried families struggling with keeping count of their carry-ons and their children. I saw the seasoned travelers pushing past them all using their briefcases to split through the sea of bodies. I marveled at the flight attendants and pilots leaving one destination for another, never ending up where they started. I wondered how they could stand being away from their families, their lovers.

Edward and I hadn't slept the night before. We were too greedy in our worship of each other. It was a sacrilegious, and somewhat holy way to spend the early hours of a Sunday. My head was nestled in the crook of his arm as he trailed his fingertips across my skin, like he was memorizing each curve of my body. He sometimes spoke in whispers and I stared out the window, waiting for dawn and this dream to break. Neither of us wanted to move from the cabin, it was already over and the rest of the day would move us closer to the end.

After the key note address, he followed me out on the patio for old time's sake. He didn't offer to drive me this time, knowing my answer and the reality of Jasper's presence at our goodbye. He said we'd "keep in touch," like we were exchanging addresses at the close of summer camp, or writing "stay cool" in our yearbooks. You always wrote your number, you never called, that's just how it was.

The announcement for my flight broke me from my memories. My face was against the glass of the windows. I'd been peering at the gray above the tarmac half expecting a sky writer to spell out all the answers. Not that I'd see it amongst the storm clouds sodden with rain. As I climbed the stairs of the plane that would take me home, I turned and gave one last look at Seattle. Last year I left him in Monterey, this year I carried him here, and this is where he had to stay.

The plane came down again as soon as it went up. I pushed through the baggage claim looking for Renee and the girls outside. I saw my Subaru and moved towards it but a salt and peppered grandfather climbed out to help his wife with her bags. I looked around again, going right over the rusted red truck and the man leaning against it. I recognized the truck before I did him.

I worried that he might see a physical difference in me, that a week in the bed of another man might be etched into the lines on my face. I thought back to the years he'd been with her and how I'd been unable or unwilling to see. These seven days apart were like getting a new eyeglass prescription. The details of his face were clearer, more crisp; when had he matured? When had he lost the boyish roundness of his cheeks, the innocence in his smile? Had this chiseled maturity really happened just now? How long had it been since I noticed him?

I smiled as he waved to me and moved to open the door. He took my bag and kissed my cheek. The heat was blowing in the cab and my iced fingers were grateful for the warmth. I watched him lift my suitcase into the bed of the truck as the wolf dog panted beside me. I could feel her staring at my face, willing me to acknowledge her. I gave her a glance and her ears perked.

"Alright, fine. You scraggly mutt," I said, scratching beneath her chin.

"Man it's cold out there," he said as he climbed in the truck and pointed a vent towards his face. "How are you? How was your flight?"

"It's freezing. And it was good, uneventful, so good."

"Yeah, really. I forgot to check for delays before I headed it out this way, but it worked out."

"What are you doing here? I expected Renee." I cringed when I realized how that sounded. The dumb dog was laying her head in my lap.

"Truck needed new tires. Besides this rain, it's been freezing temps at night. There's ice on the roads in morning."

"I barely drive her anymore. Could have just waited a few more months."

"Yeah, well, better safe than sorry. Do you mind if we make a quick stop? I need to pick something up for work."

"Yeah, whatever, that's fine."

We maneuvered through the streets of Port Angeles before he parked just off the main drag. He left the truck running as he darted down an alley and I fiddled with the radio. The presets were changed to different stations. The dog stood up and tried to crawl in my lap, and I struggled to see around her while I programmed them back. She was insistent on getting in my face and bugging the shit out of me.

"What?" I asked her, exasperated.

She stared in my eyes and whimpered before nudging her wet nose in the center of my chest, then making a few turns in my lap and curling into a ball. Stupid dog thought she was a cat. She was warm so I wasn't about to push her off, even though I'd be covered in her coat.

Jake ran back through the alley just as the sky released again. His jog quickened towards the truck and he shook the rain from his hair before jumping in. He had a manila envelope tucked into the waist band of his jeans protected from the rain by his coat. He smiled before putting the truck in reverse.

"God Belly, it feels like forever since I've seen you. Did your hair grow?"

I laughed. "I was thinking the same thing. Hey, how is Sarah? I haven't talked to Renee in a couple days."

"She's totally fine, really. I had the girls yesterday. Went over to Sue's for awhile so I could work on that front step for her. They had a ball."

_Of course._

"Where was Renee?"

"You wouldn't believe it if I told you."

"What?"

"She was fishing. With your father."

"What? You're right, I don't believe you. What the duck is up with those two? Has he been around, like, the whole week?"

"As far as I've seen, but I was on that trip and then, well, you know I was busy with work and stuff."

Stuff, yeah I know all about stuff. I'd been pretty distracted with my own stuff this week.

"They aren't…? You don't think…"

"Ew. That's the last thing I want to think about, and no, I don't really think. Honestly? They probably have just gotten to a point where they are passed, well, the past. I think they enjoy each other's company again."

I mulled over his words as I followed the rain drops snaking down the windshield. Being with him wasn't as strange as I'd imagined. I didn't feel the pin prickles of guilt I thought his presence would bring. Nor was there the undercurrent of rage churning to the surface that had been a constant the last few months. Through my own indiscretions, I'd been able to let go some of the blame. We were both living the same lie, sheltering the same secrets.

"Did you have a good time?" He asked when we passed the Welcome to Forks sign.

"I did. I learned a lot." Did I say the same thing last year? Did he care any more this year?

He popped in a stick of gum and nodded. He didn't have anything else to say. I didn't expect him to.

When we got to the house I ran ahead of him eager to see the girls. "Sarah? Charlotte? Where are you guys?" I called through the house.

I followed the sound of giggles to the small back room and under a makeshift tent. I smiled when I saw the girls as they played with Renee unaware of my entrance.

"Mama," Charlotte said getting up, and promptly tripping over her own feet in her haste. Her arms wrapped around my neck.

"No! No! No!" Sarah screeched, standing up and yanking down the blankets. "Look what you did," she said, accusing me.

"Sarah! Stop that. I did not knock down your fort, that was your own fault. Please come and say hello to me." I scolded her and looked to Renee in shock.

"I want Grandma! I don't want Grandma to leave."

"I'm not leaving yet, baby girl. It's okay. Come say hi to your mommy." Renee rubbed her back and patted my arm. I guessed it was obvious how shitty I felt.

For the rest of the night Sarah howled like a jackal anytime I tried to touch her or do anything for her. She refused to eat the food I made or drink the juice I poured. Every time it was the same complaint, "I want Grandma to do it." If she was punishing me for leaving her, she was doing a damn good job of it.

After she refused to let me put her to bed, I grabbed a bottle of wine Renee must have bought and headed for the back porch. The woods were dark beyond our yard and I listened to the sounds of the forest.

"Want some company?" The back door yawned open and her head peeked out.

"Sure." I scooted over on the swing and opened up the blanket for her to crawl beneath.

"So how was the conference?"

"Really good. Though coming home has kind of sucked."

"Oh don't mind Sarah. It's just the age. You did the same thing at that age."

"I did? Where'd you go?"

"Oh, when your dad would come down to California when you were real little. He'd take you for his week in the summer."

"I didn't know I went with him at that age. I remember it when I was older, for sure."

"Well, you remember we lived there for a few years. That's how the whole California thing started. You were too small to send on an airplane and I think he liked a week in the sunshine. I think it's funny that's where you go now, for your escape."

I lifted the glass to my mouth and let it fill with the tart wine. "How'd you end up there anyways? When you left?"

Renee wrinkled her nose and spun the wine in her glass. "Your father never said anything about that?"

"I'm not even sure what you mean."

"Well I'll give him that. He never was a shit-talker."

"The only thing Dad ever said about it was that you were always meant to just pass through this town, and it was his mistake trying to keep you."

"Hmm, well, I guess he's kind too. Truth is, Bella, I walked out on your dad, and our marriage, for another man. I followed him all the way to the Golden State."

"What? How do I not remember this? Who was he?"

"We weren't together very long. That's why you don't remember. You were a baby when we left here and you were still a baby when I left him."

"Was he from here?"

"No, he was just passing through. We worked our way down the circuit until he stopped in Riverside, and then we lived with his folks for awhile."

"What 'circuit'?"

"Um, the carnival. He was a performer in a traveling carnival."

"Wait a minute. You mean to tell me you left Dad for a carny? Seriously? How did I not know this?"

"Come on. It's not something I'm proud of. And it's not easy for me to tell you all this, not even now. I thought I loved him. I thought I'd see the world, make something out of myself. Long after he was gone, I kept chasing that dream down the wrong streets. It took awhile until I learned better." She stretched her arms out in front of her and rotated her neck.

"And what did you learn? For curiosity's sake?"

"I'm old, Bells. I've learned a lot. Regretted a lot. Sang a lot of Joni Mitchell. Don't it always seem to go…"

"You regret leaving Dad?"

"Um. Maybe. Yeah. I regret not giving it a chance. I was young and stupid, and thinking about myself. If I hadn't been so selfish I think it could have worked between us. Hell, I don't know. I'm a lot of years and a lot of miles from all this but something about being here, it sort of reminds me of what I missed. And what you missed. I regret what I took from you the most, Bella."

I frowned at my wine and stuck my thumb nail in my mouth.

"Where's all this coming from anyways? You okay?" she asked.

"What? I'm fine." I shook my head in emphasis. "Just wondering. You and Dad have seemed pretty chummy. I heard something about a fishing trip yesterday? And at dinner you asked about changing your flight to stay a few more days. Is everything okay with you and Phil?"

"Oh honey, me and Phil are fine. And me and your dad, well, it's…I don't know. I just like hanging out with him. It's nice, for the girls you know, that they can have us both, like kids with normal grandparents."

"Oh you guys are far from normal."

"Geez, thanks," she said, smiling and swatting my arm.

"I'm glad you want to stay a little longer, Mom. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, sweetie." She wrapped an arm around me and pulled my head against her shoulder.

I settled against her, feeling small in her arms, though we were the same size. She pushed the swing with one foot on the porch and branches cracked on the forest floor.

"Were you mad when I married Jake?"

"We're just airing all our shit aren't we?" She smoothed my forehead with her hand. "I wasn't mad at you, Bella. Disappointed maybe, a little. I didn't handle it well and I'm sorry. I just wanted more for you. I didn't want you to be damned to make every mistake I did. But I'm so proud of you now. You're a wonderful wife and mother. I should have known not to worry. You were never the idiot I was."

There it was, the guilt I'd been waiting for. It filled my stomach like too much air in a bloated tire. I exhaled in hopes of letting some of it out. No dice.

"I'm pretty tired, I think I'm going to turn in. You coming?" I said.

"In a little bit. It's actually nice out. Leave the wine and the blanket."

I left her snuggled on the porch and found Jake passed out on the couch despite the basketball game blaring on the TV. His arms were crossed and he was clutching the remote like a true couch commando.

"Jake," I nudged him. "Jake, wake up, come to bed."

His eyes fluttered and he peered at me. "Ah man. I was having the weirdest dream. We were pirates and you attacked my ship. We were sword fighting to the death. And there was this pig…" His voice trailed off and he shuddered.

"To bed with you. You're delirious."

He stood up and followed me to our room and crashed before I could even get the light off. I climbed into the bed that was smaller than the one I'd been in this week, but he felt further away. I scooted closer to the center, looking for his warmth to heat me, and pressed my nose into his back.

Within minutes, or maybe it was hours, I was on a Ferris wheel grasping my girls. They wanted to look over the edge but I was scared they would fall right over. Charlotte stayed in my lap like I'd asked but Sarah would not stop wiggling.

The car began to shake and tip, and with each pivot we came closer and closer to falling out. I yelled for help and the operator brought the wheel round and kissed my hand as I stepped from the bucket. I could feel the empty spaces where there should have been teeth behind his chapped lips. I yanked my hand away and saw Edward's pout beneath the grime and muck of the carny's face.

His grasp tightened on my hand as my children scampered away, to climb aboard the pirate ship that was lifting from the ground. I pleaded for him to come with me or let me go, but he just laughed and pushed me back on the wheel. I climbed higher and higher, only to reach the pinnacle for one last glimpse of my babies on a ship to Never Never Land.

I sat up in bed, covered in sweat and gripping the mattress. My heart was threatening to claw out through my throat, and if there was air in the room, I couldn't find it.

I forced myself to lie back against the pillows and let the image water from my mind. Jake was still sleeping, my startle hadn't woke him. I matched my breaths to his and willed myself not to dream.

* * *

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Bella to lay off the nightmares and dream of Edward~~**_


	24. Shattered

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Love to my girls the ever name changing drunknessie, sugartits, kstewfangirl and agirlreckoning. If you know them you know why I love them so much. **

**Hello readers, old and new! I'm still on the high of passing that 1000 review milestone! I'm working out some ideas for an outtake, as well as working on some o/s contest entries! All that and I managed to get this update to you sooner than last week, we're making progress! Look how your reviews inspire me. :) :) :) **

* * *

_In a way, I need a change_

_From this burnout scene_

_Another time, another town_

_Another everything_

_But it's always back to you_

_~~Shattered, O.A.R._

_

* * *

_

_Spring_

_~~EPOV~~_

There was nothing like the flashing of a cursor on a blank page to make you feel more worthless. Well, other than spending hours writing, only to delete it all for the spewed monkey shit it was. I drummed my fingers against the mouse and moved to open the game of solitaire I had minimized. At least if I couldn't organize my thoughts, I could mindlessly sort cards for an hour.

I heard the doorbell and Rose's shoes slapping against the floor, and sighed. If I wasn't distracted enough already this would do me in. As much as I loved a historic home, the insulation was crap. I could hear every conversation that happened in any room of the house, and I really wasn't in the mood to listen to some blowhole debate Ferraris and Maseratis.

I pulled at the whiskers I hadn't bothered to shave from my chin and sighed. It was fucking useless. No matter how many times I tried, I couldn't get my brain to function outside of Masen. I'd been working on other novels the entire time I wrote the series, and not a single one of them amounted to shit.

I wanted a fucking drink. I glanced at the clock in the corner of the screen. Three p.m. That wasn't too early, was it? One of the tabs at the bottom blinked, email message. The fucking thing blinked every thirty seconds.

I went to my inbox and found a new message from my editor. The third book was due to hit shelves this summer and the early reviews were fucking stellar. Like, they actually had a hard time choosing some for the book jacket. The fourth and final book, thank fucking god, was the current noose they had around my neck. I wanted to be done with it so I could move on, but it didn't look like it was going to be that easy.

I knew I shouldn't be bitching. This was a fucking dream come true, or so they say. The film rights to the entire series was being negotiated. I was going to see my imagination portrayed on screen, and no one could understand why I was so god damn apprehensive about the whole thing.

I asked them all the same question, name for me one movie that's as good as the book it's based on. Not a single one could. I wasn't trying to say my books were the greatest thing ever, I wasn't that far up my own ass. If mediocre books made shit movies, a movie adaptation of a good one could only be worse.

Of course, everyone else who had their mouths around my dick argued that my books were fantastic, and that movies would only help the series - didn't get that I wasn't fishing for a fucking compliment in a sea of sycophants. On the flip side, a few Hollywood "insiders" were calling me a J.D. Salinger wannabe, thinking my shit was so epic, that film could not touch it. I just didn't want to be a fucking laughing stock, was that so hard to imagine?

Jasper got it. Thank god for that mother fucker. The way he worked out the contract was pretty gnarly. Gave me all sorts of rights so I'd have enough say that it wouldn't royally suck, and not too much say that I'd be making the damn thing myself.

Rose laughed and the voice downstairs deepened. She was over the fucking moon about this whole thing. I never understood why someone so obsessed with being a celebrity didn't just become a fucking actress. She wanted to be known, she wanted to be recognized. Get a fucking agent or pull a Paris Hilton, but for Jesus' sake, shut the fuck up about it.

Her own movie work had picked way up and she was getting what she wanted. We got fucking papped the other day sitting outside at lunch. The photog approached her after to ask "her companion's name" and when she bitch-eyed him, and answered "E.A. Cullen" he ended up asking me a ton of questions. She was thirty kinds of pissy after that, but I'm not sure if it was because he didn't recognize me, or once he did, he didn't care about her anymore. Either way, if she brings up that reality show bullshit again, I'm going to hit the fucking ceiling.

It was strange, the first fucking thing I thought when he snapped that photo was whether or not Bella would see it, and what she would think? If she even paid attention to that shit. Somehow, I thought she did, like it was a guilty little pleasure she'd be embarrassed to admit.

Bella.

She was always there, lurking in the back of my mind. I wondered about her. What she was doing, how she was feeling, if she missed me.

I'd added her as a "friend" on my private Facebook page. The one reserved for people I actually wanted to talk to. But we didn't'. Talk, that was. It felt wrong to do it all out in the open and shit, like we were flouncing it in unknowing faces. It felt more fucked up to do it in private messages, like we were adulterous whores. Which we were.

I glanced over at the stack of books on the edge of my desk. They still smelled new. I picked one up and flipped it open, glancing over my bio inside. I wanted to send it to her. I wanted her to read it before the world could. I wanted her to see the way she'd influenced it, the places where I wrote us into the page.

I opened to the chapter where Masen meets his girl. I ran my fingers across the print feeling the ink beneath my skin. I traced each sentence looking for the hidden message beneath it, like secret Braille for a man who wasn't blind.

I searched for a pen on the desk and a sheet of stationary paper in the drawer. I knew I had some somewhere. In this age of digital communication I was an old fashioned fucker that liked to correspond with thought and effort whenever I could. Nowadays, most things couldn't wait for the ink to dry on the paper, for the letter to be put in a box and delivered later. Instant gratification had its usefulness, but there was something to be said for waiting.

I licked the tip of my pen before bringing it to the monogrammed paper, and quickly jotted what I was thinking before I thought it away and changed my mind. The paper was folded three times and slipped in the binding where I had been feeling the words, before I slipped the book in a padded envelope and marked the address across the front. Now, whether or not I had the nerve to send it would remain to be seen.

* * *

"What do you think, black or red?" Rose tapped her foot and shook the dresses at me.

I glanced up from my computer. I didn't have time for this.

"Black or red? Either."

"Edward! That's no help. They're entirely different dresses."

"What are they for?"

"That meeting I told you I have today. At the Ivy."

"What meeting?"

"You know…" she trailed off. I didn't.

"No?"

"I think the black. More professional." She backed out of the room and across the hall to the master bedroom.

There was something she wasn't telling me. I pushed off the desk and followed her.

"Rose. Where are you going?"

"The Ivy. Duh. I just said that. Remind me to pick you up some Ginkgo biloba."

"Funny. What the fuck are you up to?"

"You already said you wanted no part in it. So there you go."

My hands tore into my hair. "Rosalie Hale. Is this that fucking show again? Are you kidding me?"

"Come on. This is such a huge opportunity for me. I get your reservations, and I've been assured that they'll be handled. That's part of what today is. Going over some more specifics before any contracts are drafted."

I could not fucking believe she was still going forward with this, even after I said no. Where the fuck did she get off making choices about us while totally ignoring me?

"You are unbelievable," I stammered under my breath.

"Quit being such a baby about it. You're getting what you wanted. If I do this, you won't be featured on the show at all. You won't be filmed, I won't talk about you. The show is about my work life anyway, not my personal. You have nothing to worry about."

"Do you fucking even watch TV? No one gives a rat's ass about your work life. They want to see you lose it on an assistant, or fight with your boyfriend, or say something bizarrely stupid. That's the fucking point Rose, and if you don't realize that…"

"What? I'm stupid? You think I'm stupid?"

"I think you're being naive."

Rose flung both the dresses on the bed, and slammed the door to the bathroom. I did the only thing I knew how to do in times like these. I fucking booked it. I was out the door, and in my car with nothing but the shit in my pockets. I needed to drive. I needed the wind between my ears to clear some fucking space in my head.

I drove down the PCH until I found that little hole in the wall shake place I loved. It was cloudy today, cold, and no one else was stopping for ice cream. I ordered the peanut-butter banana concoction, and pulled out my phone. I stared at the screen for a minute, lighting a cigarette and perching near the cliff's edge. There was a sliver of beach below me dotted with weathered bungalows in the sand.

I scrolled through my contacts and hit his number. Jasper was just the dude to talk me down right now. He was older, wiser, and put up with my sister's shit, so he had to be doing something right. He answered on the first ring.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I don't know if I'd say that. You haven't heard me bitch yet." I sucked long on the cigarette and nodded at the shack as they called my name.

"What's up?"

"It's Rose and that reality show again. She's going through with it."

The whole topic came up when Jasper and Alice visited after the conference a couple months ago. Rose sprung it on me when the four of us were out for dinner, and it was sad how obvious it was that it wasn't news to my sister. The whole trip to see us was a fucking farce to rope me into this hoopla.

Afterward, I made it clear as vodka to Rose that I wanted no part of this, and other than the occasional hint, she'd pretty much dropped it. That was why today had me keyed up like a hooker on meth. Based on how far along she was in the negotiations, she'd been doing shit behind my back.

I moaned to Jasper like the bitch that I was, and then sucked down on my milkshake while he was quiet for a minute.

"What has Rose always said? And I mean always, like it should be her epitaph."

I rolled my eyes. I knew what he was getting at. "They should have named Barbie, Rosalie Hale."

"Exactly. She's been gunning at being a household name since she could load the bullets. Wasn't that ambition something you loved about her?"

"Yeah. But shit, man. Now, it's like, at what cost? You know?"

"I do. To be frank, I never knew how you did it. I've always thought Rose inspired the saying that behind every smoking hot chick-"

"Is some guy putting up with her shit," I finished. "I know, I know."

"Is she still worth it?" He asked.

I stared out at the ocean that was the same ocean that engulfed me in Monterey each year. Just a couple hundred miles of shore, but it was like being on another planet.

"Fuck, Jaz. I just want to know what to do about the show. I can't get into all that shit."

"What about Bella?"

Fucker. He had to go there.

Jasper had kept pretty mum about the whole thing. Besides a few knowing looks and some passing comments, he hadn't said shit about what he'd figured out at the conference. I'd been scared out of my shorts about the car ride back to L.A. with him, but he was quiet. And here he was now, pulling her name out of the fucking blue sky, like we talked about her all the time.

"I don't follow."

"Don't play stupid, Edward. And quit acting like I am. You don't want to talk about you and Bella, fine. But don't pretend to me, or yourself, that whatever is going on with you two isn't fucking with your head right now."

He was right. Of course he was right. That's why I called the mother fucker in the first place. So he could slap me around.

"Alright, maybe it is," I said.

"No maybe about it, dumbass. You want to be with Rose, then be with Rose. If you don't, then don't. It's that easy."

"No, it isn't. Just because you and Alice are the fucking poster children for marital bliss, doesn't mean that everyone else just falls into it like that."

"Jesus fucking Christ. You think I don't know that? It once took me two years to break up with a chick. Two years from the day I decided I didn't want to be with her anymore, to the day I finally told her. But I was nineteen. We're not kids anymore. Shit is real now. You've got a ring on that girl's finger, if you don't want it there, then man the fuck up."

"God damn it. Fuck." I yelled at nothing and no one in particular.

Jasper waited until I was done. We said our goodbyes, and I grumbled a "thanks for nothing" which he just laughed off, like the smart ass bastard he was.

I downed the shake and ordered another. I chain smoked, I bounced my leg, I ran my hands through my hair. I picked at the fucking piece of dry skin that had been peeling off my lip for the last day and a half. When I finally grew a sack and ripped it off, it stung and bled in my mouth.

There was a family coming out of one of the cottages below. They were bundled up against the wind and fog, and their hands were full of buckets and shovels. They didn't look like the kind of people that lived there. The community was once a haven for the outcasts- artists, musicians, beats, poets, and hippies- they bared their asses to prohibition, segregation, and McCarthyism, built their homes from left over movie sets and lived like they were dying.

Now that little cove of non-conformity was a "quaint" vacation spot for suburbanites and WASPs. It was exactly what the original inhabitants were avoiding in the first place, only now their sweater sets matched their Blackberries instead of their Tupperware. I knew an old man who grew up in cottage number twelve. His parents made silent movies. He was born before there was sound on screen, and now he could watch live stream television from his pocket if he wanted.

His wife died last year. They'd been married longer than some people lived. His entire world revolved around her smile. In her last days, when she struggled for each breath and refused any machines, she used her last ounce of energy to speak to him. He said she squeezed his hands and whispered, "thanks for the best sixty-three years of my life." He still choked up every time he told that story, and I'll be damned if everyone else didn't too. To stand witness to love like that was a fucking gift.

"It's all you take with you, Eddie," he'd say. He called me Eddie, I hated it but I didn't correct him.

"_The money, the memories, the things you've seen, by the time you're my age they're all gone. But the love, you don't forget that. It doesn't change."_

No truer words, Felix. When that codger kicked the can the world would be that less wise.

I tossed my trash and stood up, stretching my arms above my head. It was late and I was cold. I drove back home without the clarity I'd been driving for. The house was mostly dark as I pulled into the garage. I found Rose on the couch watching a movie with the sound down low.

She didn't look at me as I came in, and I knew that I'd hurt her. Nobody could beat Rose at the stubborn game. She was part mule.

"_If you love someone it doesn't matter what you want. You want for them more. Wonder if you're in love? Be willing to give something up. See if you care."_ Thank you Felix, you can shut up now.

I sat on the ottoman, blocking her view and stared at her until she looked at me. She raised her eyebrows and waited.

"I'm sorry I was a dick, and I'm sorry I took off," I said. "If this show is what you really want, then do it."

Her mouth opened but I went on.

"But there's one condition. I refuse to let strangers and the whole damn world into our life. You want to do the show, you need to get a new office or I'm getting a new house, no cameras allowed. Your choice."

"I canceled the meeting," she said after a pause. "It wasn't worth it if it would cost me you. That's too high a price." She reached for my hand and pressed it against her cheek.

"I shouldn't have asked that of you. You're working your ass off, this exposure is what you want. You deserve this. If you want it, do it."

"Do you really mean that?" She asked, the hope filling up her eyes.

"Yes. But I'm serious on the separate spaces. I won't settle for them just pretending I'm not here. I will literally not be here. So you choose. Is this your office or our home?"

"Is this your way of getting me to agree to buying that house in the hills you've been wetting your shorts over for the last three months?"

"No…maybe."

She was right. I'd wanted to get off the strip and up to the hills before the press tour and the film announcement. If there was ever a time to become more discreet, this was it. It was ironic how the price being paid was more exposure.

"I'll think about it," she said. "Now get the fuck out of my way. I need to restart this bitch back at the beginning."

So that was that. I gave something up and I cared. About what, I still wasn't sure.

* * *

I'd just survived a suit fitting, three meetings, and an interview over lunch. Tomorrow was my birthday, and the day after that summer and hell began. There would be coast to coast media blitz gallivanting, a book launch, the film announcement, and 3,700 engagements. It'd be Thanksgiving before I'd sleep.

I tucked my car into the garage, and wished her well before closing the door. My shit was already packed and waiting by the door for tomorrow morning's flight. All I needed to do now what stuff my face, scrub my pits, and belly flop on my bed.

I tossed my keys on the table near the door and listened for Rose. Her car was out front but it was silent in the half empty house. I stepped around the boxes in the foyer, and called her name up the stairs. It got colder the higher I climbed.

The door to the bedroom was shut and I could hear the sound of the fan, and blues playing behind the door. I cracked it open and looked inside.

Rose was on the bed wrapped in the comforter, sitting up and facing a stand up fan. The cold of the room shocked me, she must have had the thermostat as low as it could go.

"Rose? What are you doing?" I asked.

She didn't speak, she just shook her head. I stepped closer, slowly but deliberately, like you'd approach an animal you feared could strike.

"What's going on?" I knelt before her, the blank expression and the lack of tears alarmed me. When someone is jumping off a mental cliff there were usually some fucking tears.

"I'm not doing the show. I'm not."

"Okay. Um, that's fine. It was always your decision. Is that what made you so upset?"

"I'm not doing it," she said like she hadn't heard me. "I wanted to. But I can't let them in like that. I can't do this with the world watching."

"You can't do what, Rose? You're not making any sense. What can't you do?"

She dropped her chin and a tear ran down her cheek, then underneath it. I wiped it away with my thumb, and she looked at me.

"I can't do _this_," she said, her words heavy with emotion. Her emphasis hung in the air between us like a tightrope walker losing the grip on her umbrella.

For the first time I saw the sheet of paper in her hand, and my eyes scanned the words printed on it. The deeper they sunk into my brain, the sicker I felt. This changed everything. Fucking everything.

* * *

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to find out what was on that piece of paper.~~**_

**(don't kill me for the cliffy? okay? I haven't done that in awhile to y'all. I've played nice for several chapters)**


	25. Low Rising

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**I kind of feel like throwing out some random names in the thank you to see if anyone notices.****Kidding! This is more for me and them than anyone else but this week I love, as always, drunknessie, sugartits, kstewfangirl and agirlreckoning. Surprise, surprise! Next week they're all getting new nicknames just to spice this up a bit!**_**  
**_

* * *

_I wanna sit you down and talk_

_I wanna pull back the veils_

_And find out what it is I've done wrong_

_I wanna tear these curtains down_

_~~Low Rising, The Swell Season_

_

* * *

_

_Summer_

_~~BPOV~~_

"Is that the mail?" I asked from the nest I'd made on the couch.

"Yeah," he said and walked into the kitchen.

"Can I have it please?"

I shouldn't have had to ask. It felt like when you call someone's house and ask if they are there, and the other person answers "yes" and then does nothing. As if you were calling just to check.

"Anxious much?" he asked, coming back in the room with a glass of water. "I was getting your medicine."

He handed me the glass and dropped the pill in my hand before plopping on the couch at my feet. He glanced through the mail putting aside the bills and junk flyers in separate stacks.

"That pile of mail we've got going in the kitchen is out of control. The basket is full of crap. We need to go through it when we get it, I can't even find the bills that are due." He complained about the same thing every couple months.

"Bring it to me, I'll go through it. Not like I have anything better to do."

"What are you waiting on anyways?" he asked.

"I found a book I wanted for a dollar and I had a code for free shipping. I thought it would be here by now."

He went into the kitchen and returned with the basket stuffed with mail, and whatever other odds and ends didn't have a place. He took a handful and began to sort.

"Who is Garrett Vol-Vols-Volsi-however you say this?"

"Hmm? I said, looking up from the catalog he'd tossed on my lap a second ago. "Oh, Garrett and Kate, they're writer friends."

He passed me the envelope and I tore it open, cooing at the baby announcement inside. He was born two months ago, healthy and pink, and really cute for a wrinkled up newborn. Jake was watching me and I flashed him the card.

"Cute baby. How do you know them?"

"The conference in Monterey. They go each year. Garrett was actually the first person I met last year, he held the shuttle bus for me at the airport."

"What does he write?" Jake said.

"Poetry. Kate writes travel books. They're kind of popular, actually, among the go-green-live-with-just-the-shit-you-can-carry-crowd. You know, she goes to all kinds of random places, and tells you where you can sleep for ten bucks and eat for two."

He already had stopped listening. Our electric bill was open in front of him. I reached into his lap and pulled out a thick cream envelope that had an embossed seal in the corner.

"What's the date today?"

"The 30th," I answered with my breath catching as I took in the return address.

"Damn it, this is already late. We have to get on top of this shit Bella, I—"

"Oh my god! Oh my god!" I jumped off the couch, getting caught up in the blanket around my legs.

"What?"

"No way! I can't believe this, I won." I shook the letter in front of his face.

"Won what?"

"Remember? I told you I entered that short story contest over the spring. The deadline was right after I got back from my trip? I was all stressed about getting it done? How long has this been in here?" I flipped over the envelope and looked at the date stamp.

"You'd think they'd call or something. Who sends a letter?" Jake said, reaching for the paper.

"Oh thank Mary, this only came last week. And I can't frame a phone call. I'd rather have it in writing any day."

"It says here you need to contact them." Jake pointed to the page.

I opened my mouth to respond but a hacking cough escaped instead. I fell back to the couch and choked on my phlegm while Jake handed me the glass of water.

"You sound like shit, Belly. Are you sure that antibiotic is working?"

"I've only got the prescription filled yesterday. The cough syrup helps, I'll take some."

"What are you going to do with the girls tomorrow? You get winded just trying to stand." He rubbed my ankles and reached back into the basket.

"Emily offered to take them so I can rest. This really sucks. The first week of nice, almost summer-like weather, and I've got bronchitis."

I picked up the letter in my lap. He had no idea how huge this was. How many thousands of entries went into this ancient and esteemed journal? I know he was worried about me being sick, but I couldn't even think about that now. I had won, I had a thousand dollar prize winning check to claim, my story would be published in their journal, and it was an impressive accomplishment for query letters. Not to mention, people in the business actually followed who won this thing. It's was a big mother fucking deal. Bronchitis was not.

I wanted to celebrate, I wanted to dance on my rooftop, sing in the sunshine, stand on the edge of the beach and yell into the waves.

"That's cool about the contest, good job."

It was a nice try. His enthusiasm matched his ignorance about the magnitude of this honor. Still, he tried.

"Hey, look at this," he said and waved a postcard in front of me. "Save the date for Bella's ten year reunion. Ten years already? Damn you're old."

"Ha ha. Just because your school didn't have one, doesn't mean it hasn't been ten years. Besides, I'm younger than everyone there, so I win."

"We can't all be so naturally brilliant that we skip the first grade." He stuck his tongue out at me as he looked at the invitation.

When is it again? September? I saw Jessica last week at the store and she told me about it."

"Yep."

"Woo hoo, back to school."

"We're going right?" he asked.

"Gag. I don't know. It depends who is coming. I'm not paying fifty bucks a head to hang out with the people who live here. I could do that for free down at the bar any Saturday night."

"Fifty bucks? Jesus!"

"Well, it's whoever's fault that let Jessica Newton plan it. She said she wants something 'classy.' She rented out the place we had our prom."

"Did she now? Well then we're definitely going." Jake grabbed a pen and marked the response on the reply postcard. He looked at me and grinned.

I gave him a meek smile, and felt the phlegm slide down my throat to settle like putty at the bottom of my stomach. It was funny how that one word could conjure up so many emotions.

_Prom_.

It was the first time I saw Jake as anything but a friend. I had been dumped by Mike Newton the month before the rite of passage, and he quickly moved on to Jessica Stanley who, despite being my friend, had been waiting for him in the wings. I decided I wasn't going, even though I had a dress my mom had picked up for me in New York, and a pair of shoes that were cute, and didn't make my feet feel like they were on a bed of nails.

I was laid out across the couch in Jake's garage one afternoon lamenting about the loss of Mike, which in hindsight wasn't much of a loss at all, but rejection is rejection, and Jake was listening. His arms were wrapped around the body of a motorcycle he was trying to salvage and he wasn't wearing a shirt. A slow bead of sweat worked its way down the sinews of muscles across his back and I was mesmerized.

He looked up when my voice had trailed off and caught me staring. He'd had a crush on me since we were kids, but this was the first time I even entertained the thought of kissing him. I blushed at his notice, and he chuckled under his breath, and wrapped a wrench around a stubborn bolt.

"I'll take you," he said with a shrug. "If you want."

It was the way he asked that got me, like he didn't care if I said yes or no. I thought about how Mike had always been a little jealous of our friendship and gloated at how crazy it would make him.

Ten years ago, I could see him as more than my best friend. Ten years we'd spent going in reverse.

I hadn't noticed that Jake was rising off the couch, taking piles of junk paper to the recycling bin. He straightened a stack of bills and tossed something to me. The manila envelope hit me in the chest and I felt the weight of it against my heart.

"That was at the bottom, had to have been in there for weeks. I think it's the book you were waiting for," he said before walking away.

"Thanks," I said, pushing it aside.

I was still transfixed by the letter, and the ache in my chest from where the package hit me, and where I felt the emptiness of having no one to share this with.

* * *

"Why didn't you ever tell me about why Mom left?"

Charlie looked surprised as he reached for his beer and lifted a shoulder. "Wasn't my place to say. I sort of figured you knew."

The easy answer. The truth, was closer to the fact that he never talked about it, let alone went into detail. We were alike in that way. I was genetically predisposed to be passively avoidant.

I'd gone to my father's because I was mad at Jake. We'd had a disagreement and I wanted to go somewhere I wouldn't be asked any questions. I knew I could count on Charlie not to question why we turned up on his doorstep, unannounced, on a Sunday afternoon.

"How'd you find out?" he asked.

"She told me when she was here in March."

"Did she? Why was she wading in the water under that bridge?"

"I don't remember how it came up. Just did."

"Huh." He reached for the remote and adjusted the volume of the baseball game. It wasn't Phil's team, though I knew they were playing today.

"What'd you do?"

"When?"

"When she left. Did you try and stop her? Get her to stay? Did you fight for her at all?"

Charlie groaned and rubbed his mustache before frowning at me. "It wasn't the first time Bella. I figured I could keep holding on to something that was already gone or I could drop the reins."

I stared out the window feeling the fullness in my eyes. I was beseeching Charlie when I should have been finding the strength to confront Jake. I tried today. I took a tiny step towards talking to him and it blew up in my face.

"How come you never got remarried?"

Charlie shook his head and pulled at the tab on the can. "No reason to," he said and sighed.

I'd told Jake that maybe we should think about counseling again. That I didn't think he was happy and neither was I. Instead of turning me down like he had in the past, he raged, telling me that if I was unhappy that was my own shit, and that I shouldn't drag him down with me.

I sat, stupefied and wondered if what he said was true. Who had checked out first? And was it the misery that had us living with secrets, lying in lies? Or had our trespasses made us this way? There were chickens and eggs scattered all over this mess.

I thought maybe I should just tell him. Get it over with. The thought made me nauseous, but I had it at least once a day. Then the sun would set and I'd think, maybe tomorrow. Before I knew it a month of Sundays were gone, and then another. I was good at talking myself out of imploding my world. Happiness was overrated after all.

I handed Charlie another can of beer and he ruffled my hair. Not only did he not bother me with any questions, he took mine in stride. I didn't appreciate him enough. Add that to my list of shit to get better about.

* * *

"Bella?" Emily called out as she came in the front door.

"In here Em," I hollered from the living room.

"Laundry day? Awesome," Emily said, making her way around the piles in the living room.

"I'm so behind. I haven't done a load in two weeks. We're down to our bathing suits to wear."

"Oh man, I could never. If I get a day behind I'm so overwhelmed. Where are the girls?"

"Shhhh, you'll ruin it! They've been playing together on their own for half an hour. And not one of them has screamed yet. We may have turned a corner." I clasped my hands together.

"Oh don't think it doesn't cycle, what are you watching?" She sat down and pulled on a pile of dry towels, swiftly folding one and then another.

"Today Show. Where are your kids?" I said, walking to the kitchen to get her a cup of coffee.

"Grandma's!"

"All your kids are spoken for, and you've come here to watch crap morning television with me, and fold my laundry? Your life is sad."

"Oh! Turn it up, turn it up." Emily was spastic as she leaped off the couch to search for the remote on the table. "He is so unbelievably gorgeous. God, what I wouldn't give for…"

She turned up the sound and Matt Lauer's voice drowned out those last words. I dumped out another basket, and was prepared to match socks while I waited to see who she was talking about. I didn't need the camera to pan across his face, I heard his laugh and knew.

The heat climbed my body, ending with a flush on my face as Edward's smile filled my living room. I couldn't even hear what they were asking him, or his responses, I was captivated by his larger than life face a few feet away from me.

We had kept our distance after this year's conference; there were no crafty Facebook status messages in the wee hours of the morning. He didn't call or text, although he'd programmed our numbers in both our phones. I didn't even email him when I'd won the award last month, even though I wanted to. It felt wrong, now that we were so firmly over the line, rather than tip toeing the edge of it. We'd let each other go back to our lives.

"Have you read those books, Bells?" she said when they went to commercial break. "The _Vampires After Midnight_ series? They are so, so good. I've been waiting for this one to come out. I have it pre-ordered on Amazon and everything. The one before this was sold out at the bookstore by the time I got to Port A, I wasn't making that same mistake twice."

"Yeah, I've read them. I think they're great," I said. That was the truth. It wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't a lie.

"I have such a crush on the author. Gah, he's so hot! And suave, like, you know? Like he's from another time or something. He is so on my freebie five."

This conversation was swerving from uncomfortable to totally inappropriate.

"Freebie five?" I asked, fumbling with the socks.

"Uh, yeah! The five celebs you get to have a night of passionate sex with, if ever given the opportunity, no repercussions. Tell me you have a freebie five."

"Never really thought about it," I said. Was it hot in here? I pulled at my shirt and wiped my brow.

"Oh come on! You have to have a five, I know mine and Sam's. I'm sure Jake—oh it's back on!"

I watched the screen pretending I was only interested because Emily was, and fought the longing that was burning in my chest.

"Now I've read the book, the reviews are phenomenal, tell me, what do you think sets this one apart from the others?" Matt Lauer crossed his legs, while peering at Edward through the glasses he wears when he wants to looks smart.

"I don't know, really. I think Masen's struggle for purpose has really resonated with people, and now that he's finding something to 'live' for, I think people are rooting for him," Edward said looking humble.

"Resonated, that's the word I would use. And wouldn't you say that now that it's become this, well, epic, love story that that's what's drawing them in? The love story?"

"Epic love story, you say?" Edward laughed. "Well sure, maybe. Who doesn't love, love?" He looked into the camera and his eyes sparkled.

"Oh my god," Emily squealed and kicked her feet in the air. "Doesn't it seem like he's saying it straight at you?

"Yes, yes it does," I said

"Talk to me about what inspired the change in the character who previously had been so dark and haunted? What was it that made you think, hey, this is what this guy needs? Something in your life, perhaps?"

God ,how I hated Matt's questions. There were always so stupid. Did he even read the books? Or any books? Wait, what did he just ask?

"My life, eh? Well, I just think that it's what we all do here, while we are here on Earth. Look for the one thing we can take with us. Masen is no different."

Again with the smile, and the side eye to the camera. It was like he knew I was watching.

"No different, just two hundred years old and a blood sucking vampire!" Matt laughed like it was the most hilarious thing anyone had ever thought to say. "Well that's all the time we have, thank you, E.A., for joining us. And you all can find a copy of the third _Vampires After Midnight_ novel in your bookstores on Friday."

The music started as the cameras pulled away and I saw Matt lean into Edward and pat his arm as they spoke. I wondered what he was saying.

"God, I can't wait for those movies to come out. I wish he'd play Masen. Is it wrong that I fantasize about hunting that man down?" Emily asked, her eyes staring at nothing as she tapped her fingers across her coffee mug.

I just realized how awkward it was that I hadn't told her I knew him at all. If I brought it up now, it would seem strange but now that I knew how into him she was, if she found out later, it would be stranger. If I did tell her, even if I made it sound casual, she would have a million questions I couldn't answer without lying. Ignorance was bliss. Again.

I carried the next load into the mud room that housed the washer and dryer and started the machine. As I waited for it to fill I saw a thick envelope on the shelf near the coat racks. I'd forgotten it was there, that book I'd ordered that Jake had found in the bottom of the mail basket a few weeks ago. I'd had it in my hands when the dog ran in the house all muddy, and had to throw it up there to catch the little bitch before she destroyed my floors.

I pulled it off the shelf and stuck my finger beneath the seal of the envelope to work it open. The dryer buzzed as I pulled the top apart and turned it over letting the book fall in my hands. I saw his name first and it registered that this wasn't what I was expecting. I flipped the envelope over and saw my name in his thick blue writing. The postmark was nearly two months old. Edward sent me his book two months ago, and I hadn't even known it until now. For two months, a piece of him had been in my house, unnoticed.

I opened the jacket looking for an inscription and saw a blank page. I shook the envelope and nothing came out. I furrowed my brow in confusion. It wasn't like Edward to have sent it with nothing and it definitely came straight from him. I ran my fingers along the page edges, feeling a thickness towards the middle. I opened to the page and found a slim envelope pushed into the binding.

"Shut up! How did you get your copy already?" Emily said, coming into the room and spying the envelope on the washer and the book in my hand.

"Um, I, um…" I snapped the book shut before she could see the letter.

_Don't be a liar Bella, don't be a liar._

"I guess it got sent to me early."

"Lucky girl. I'm going to go home and stalk my mailbox until it comes. And if it doesn't, I'm going to be back for that," she said pointing. "So read fast."

My fingers dug into the book as if to tell her she'd have to fight me for it. "Are you really going home to look for it?"

"Yes and no. I do have to get going. As much as I love folding your laundry for you, that's not the reason I came over."

"No? What's up?"

"Well, now that I've buttered you up, you have to say yes."

That didn't sound promising. "Yes to what, Em?"

"Just a little something, it'll be fun. And a good way to make some extra cash."

"My interest is piqued, what have you got up your sleeve?"

"Ok, so remember how I told you that I got a karaoke machine a few months back? Well, I've started booking some stuff. Bars that want karaoke night, but also the community center for teen night, and the nursing home wants to do every other Friday, and…"

"And what?"

"I was wondering if you could do some of the nights I couldn't? It's easy and fun, and whatever nights you do, I'll give you the cash. It really is fun, Bells. You'll have a blast."

I would have agreed to anything to get her out my door so I could read that letter. "Sure Em, whatever. I think it sounds great."

"Oh, awesome," she said, and clapped her hands. "You're such a lifesaver. Come over this weekend and I'll show you how it all works, it's real easy. And then if you can, I've got a place that wants it next Thursday and—"

"Sounds great," I said and walked her to the door. "Count me in."

"Oh, awesome! I'm so relieved. Leah was going to do it, but since she's been going down to the base every chance she gets, I doubt she's interested anymore."

"Base? Why is Leah going to the base?"

"I didn't tell you about that guy she met last month, when we were out one night? Newly stationed, hot as all get out? Boy is fine. And he has it baaaad for her."

_Hold up, my husband's girlfriend had a boyfriend? Interesting._

"She drives all the way to Oak Harbor to see him?" I asked.

"Yep, and he's driven down to see her too. Either way, she'd rather be doing him then helping me. Oh shit it's late, I've got to go finish my errands before the little people are re-deposited back on my doorstep. Catch you later, hon." Emily gave me a hug before jogging to her van.

I tried not to let the news of Leah's extracurricular activities settle too deep in my mind. I wondered if Jake knew, or if she was two-timing him and the Navy boy. At least I was honest with Edward about where I stood, even if I couldn't be with Jake. I shook my head in disbelief. Look at me throwing rocks from my glass house.

I peeked my head in on the girls and went back to the living room with Edward's book still in my hand. I opened it back to where he'd tucked the letter inside and pulled it out of the envelope. The envelope went back to mark the page because if I knew him, he'd picked it for a reason.

I unfolded the paper and smoothed my fingers along the creases, feeling the slight raise of ink off the page. My heart tightened and I took a deep breath, willing the oxygen to smooth the frays.

_Dear BB,_

_It has been 56 days since I saw you last. I know, because I counted them all. When I get to 364, it will have been worth it. Until then, here are 102,739 words. I could have written a million. Every one of them belongs to you._

_BH_

I smiled at his shorthand use of the nicknames we'd bestowed. I bit my lip and read the message again. It was so short, but so him, so us. He couldn't dedicate the book to me publicly, so he did privately.

I knew how I wanted to respond, and I also knew how much easier it would be with the aid of technology and email. However, I wanted to put forth the same effort as he, match him ink for ink, book for book.

I went over to the desk I'd set up in the corner of the room, and picked up the freshly printed copy of the manuscript I'd only finished days ago. It was heavy in my arms, bearing the weight of the work I'd put into it. I found a piece of paper in my drawer and sat down.

_BH,_

_I knew that one day the penalty for avoiding my mail would reveal itself. Now it's been 104 days since we parted, but only 20 minutes since I opened your letter. _

_In an offer of pittance I'm giving you 90,513 words. Not an exact match, but I come close. It is because of you that they exist at all. There's no fancy cover or glowing reviews, but I'm damn proud nonetheless._

_You are the first, but no need to be gentle. Give me the truth. Always._

_BB_

* * *

"Do you think she's trying to relive our prom?" Angela leaned in next to me at our table and whispered in my ear.

"Yes. Isn't she wearing the same dress but shortened?" I said and we both looked across the room to Jessica.

She was circling the room and waving like someone had crowned her Reunion Queen, dragging Mike behind her. Angela and I burst out laughing when she pulled him straight into a pillar without even noticing.

"That is definitely the same dress," Angela said with a smirk.

"I'm so glad you're here, I wasn't going to come, especially since I've had this damn cough all summer, but when I heard and you and Eric were coming, there was no way I was missing it." I touched my forehead to hers and we smiled at each other.

"Did I hear my name, are you bitches talking smack?" Eric hopped on each empty chair between us, until he was next to me and pushing his face into our love fest.

"Us? Talking smack? That's your job," I said, pulling on his tie.

"What can I say? Someone has to do it. Speaking of….you would not believe the juice that just got squeezed into my inbox. I have a fact checker on it now, but I'm just bursting to spill. Vasili, come here love, bring my phone too."

He motioned to the quiet man he'd brought as his date. His face was familiar from their yearly Christmas cards, but he'd hardly said a word all night.

"Oh hold on, there's Ben. I want to go over and say hello," Angela said, before digging in her bag to reapply her lipstick. She ran her tongue across her teeth and jumped up from her chair. Amazing, ten years later, he walks in the room, and she's a puddle.

"Where is it? Don't tell me I deleted it. Vas, did you touch my phone? What have I told you about my phone?"

"I did not touch it. I swear. I never touch your phone," Vasili said in a quiet accent.

"Damn it, I don't know what I did with it. Oh well, I'll wait until I can go public. Read the blog, Bells, read the blog."

"Oh I do," I said and laughed. "It's my first stop online every morning. You always have the best scoops. Who knew little old Eric Yorkie would be THE Hollywood gossip?"

"Oh please, like you couldn't see it coming. The only reason I was on the newspaper, was for an excuse to get up in everyone's business. And now that you mention it, I, like, just found out we have a friend in common."

I pretended I wasn't choking on the ice cube I'd just swallowed. It dug at my throat while I tried to look disinterested.

"Oh, really? Who?"

"Mr. Vampilicious Edward Cullen. Man, I've wasted a lot of hours begging the gods for that man to go gay. No offense, Vas. Freebie Five."

How did everyone know about this Freebie Five but me? I could have just declared Edward on my list and been totally done with it.

"Oh yeah, I met Edward at the writing conference I go to. How do you know him?"

Was playing stupid, smart at all? What if he knew better than that? How strange would it look that I was downplaying?

"Oh, we're besties. He used to live next door to me. Now Thorn, that's his fiancé, she uses the house as her office. That's the only reason I forgave him for taking my girl away, and plunking her up on the mountain. At least I can still go bug her in the middle of the day when we're both supposed to be working."

"Thorn?" I asked.

"Just my little pet name for her. We adore Thorn, don't we, Vas? If I'm not praying for Edward to swing my way, I'm asking the good Lord to let me come back in my next life as Rose Hale."

"Very beautiful Miss Thorn," Vasili said while smoothing the lapels of his embroidered vest.

"Beautiful? Please, the Romans would have carved statues after her. She's great Bells, you'd love her. So much fun. I mean, really. You go out with that girl and you can't help but have a good time. Look," he said thumbing through pictures on his phone. "Such a laugh."

I'd seen photos of Rose before. There was one of her and Edward eating at some restaurant in LA a couple months back in a magazine. He was avoiding the camera and she smiled right at it. She was beautiful , no doubt, but she didn't hold a candle to him.

I paused on a photo of Vasili with Edward and Rose in a large room full of party goers. Edward was holding a glass in the air like he was giving a toast, and Vasili was passing Rose a bottle behind his back. She was in the tiniest dress I'd ever seen.

"What's this from?" I said.

"House warming. They just moved a couple months ago. Hollywood Hills. Their old place was getting a lot of foot traffic since the last book landed. People just driving by, taking pics, hoping to see him getting the newspaper in his underwear, that sort of thing. His new place is a fucking fortress."

"They look cute together," I said as he moved on to another photo of the four of them with squashed faces in the back of what looked like a cab. Edward was drunk, I knew that face.

"Oh, they are. He worships her. They're my new mommy and daddy. You know, since my old ones decided they didn't like each other as soon as I moved out. Hey Vas, will you get me another drink? I'm dying here."

I wasn't sure if Vasili was there as his date or his hand maiden.

"Anyways, I had no idea you two knew each other, and then there I am talking with Rose before my flight yesterday and Edward came in, heard where I'm going, and got all funny about it. I totally forget his parents live here. He's so weird about it. But he said to tell you hello."

"He did?"

"Sure. Asked if I'd see you and I said probably. Told the fucker he should come with, see what could have been."

"What did he say?"

"He said, maybe next time. Wouldn't it have been crazy if he'd gone to school with us? I would have crushed hard core. Like, more than now. Not like I could see him with anyone else but Thorn. Especially now that…"

"Who are we talking about?" Jake asked falling into the chair on the other side of me and wrapping his arm on my shoulders.

"Oh, just a writer we both know," I said. Not a lie. "Hey, I saw you talking to Quil. Who is he here with?"

"That Claire girl. Remember her? He's dated her on and off. She's sort of related to him but not in a blood way?"

"Oh yeah, his sort of cousin. Well that's cool. I didn't expect you to have any Rez friends here."

Eric waved to us as he got up from the table to join Angela, Ben and Vasili on the dance floor. Jake weaved his fingers through mine and bobbed his head to the music. The conversation I just had was replaying over and over, and I didn't realize he had spoken.

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. What?" I said.

"I said you look beautiful." Jake smiled at me and squeezed my hand.

"Thanks," I answered, "you clean up pretty good yourself."

"You know, they're giving out awards. Most Improved, Most Successful, that kind of stuff. I put your name down for Most Unchanged. I think you're a shoe in."

"I'm not sure that's a compliment, Jake."

"Sure it is, Belly. You're just as beautiful as you were back then. You haven't aged a day. You still make my heart race."

I glanced at him expecting him to laugh at his own joke, but he was looking at me with something in his eyes I hadn't seen in years.

"Do I now? Well, what's gotten into you?"

"It's this place," Jake said. "We haven't been back here since that night. You asked me to your prom and then you jumped my bones."

"Hey now!" I said and smacked his leg. "_You_ asked _me_ to my prom and then….okay I jumped your bones."

"Good thing too. I was way too much of a pussy to make the first move. Remember the slow dances, you were rubbing up on me and I was freaking out."

"Yeah, you were trying to keep me at arm's length. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought you didn't have the hots for me."

"It was only because I thought you were drunk and trying to piss off Mike." Our heads both looked to Mike, still being led around by Jessica like a trained monkey on a leash.

"I wasn't drunk and I didn't care what Mike thought. I just realized…what had been in front of me the whole time."

That night we went from dipping our toes in the water, to heads fully under in the span of a few hours. It started with a first kiss at our table, to making out in a deserted gazebo, and ending with us in a room upstairs, undressing each other and fucking like the horny teenagers we were.

"If I remember it right, we were sitting just like this, and I told you that he was a fool for letting you go." Jake leaned in and took my chin in his hand.

"You said you'd never hurt me like that." My eyes searched his and they told him I knew.

He didn't answer. This time he made the first move. He kissed me at the table, but we skipped the make out in the gazebo, and headed straight for the stairs.

* * *

_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love Bella to get her head on straight.~~**_

**Gah! I know BPOV was not what y'all were wanting if it meant not knowing what's on that paper from last chapter. But if you'll notice there are clues in this chapter as to what's _not _on that paper. That's something, right? Right?**

**I'm thrilled to share the news with you that Tangled Up in Blue was nominated in the Twilight All Human Awards as a fic you could not stop reading! Thank you to whoever nominated it, I'm stoked! Please go nominate your favorite all human fics through Friday the 27th and remember to go back and vote starting August 30th! www(.)twilightallhumanawards(.)webs(.)com**

**I also entered an anonymous one shot contest so if you enjoy a little slash reading, come check it out. You can find the contest under my favorite authors in my profile titled "intheclosetcontest." (while you're there check out the Love Lost Contest, I haven't entered (yet, maybe) but there are some great entries)**

**And, lastly, an important note about the chapter song. It is beautiful and was chosen for this chapter ages ago. However, this posting coincides with the tragedy that occurred this week at a Swell Season concert where a man committed suicide on the stage. This hits close to home for me as it occurred at the winery where my husband worked in high school and where we were married. My thoughts and prayers are with the man's family and friends and the band/crew and 3000 concert goers/venue workers that were forced to witness his last act. I will take this moment to give a PSA. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, dropping hints, feeling hopeless, devising a plan, please please please find someone to talk to. You are not alone 1-800-273-TALK (National Suicide Hotline for the USA)  
**


	26. Bend And Not Break

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**As always, my heart belongs to InebriatedScaryTeethBaby, LusciousLadyLumps, TheFierceOnesAdmirer, and AWomanofRetribution**.** (It is embarassing how long it took me to come up with those).**

**If y'all noticed I'm posting this chapter before getting out my review replies. I'm still going to do those. Y'all can thank the people listed above for getting this back to me sooner than I expected giving me less time to reply. I figured y'all would want the chapter more than my silly notes of thanks in your inbox. Right? Love you bunches!**

* * *

_I'm careful not to wake you_

_Fearing conversation_

_It's better just to hold you_

_And keep you pacified_

_~~ Bend And Not Break, Dashboard Confessional_

_

* * *

_

_Fall_

_~~EPOV~~_

"Can I get a large coffee? Black. Thank you."

"Sure I can't interest you in our seasonal venti pumpkin spice latte?"

I shuddered. I couldn't think of anything worse than drinking a pumpkin.

"God no. Just the coffee."

"What blend?"

"Shit, I don't know. I just want a coffee. Whatever. Just give me whatever is dark and hot."

"Sure thing, that'll be three-twenty-five at the first window."

Highway fucking robbery. That drink probably cost them pennies to make. Fucking bullshit. I'd drive off right now, but I seriously needed a pick-me-up. Since I was manning the wheel, the bottle of Jack I wanted to open was not my best bet. I was so damn tired, you'd think I had popped an Ambien instead of Rose.

I rubbed my eyes and glanced at her, curled in a ball in the passenger seat. She had her favorite silk travel pillow wedged between her head and the door, and she was breathing hard.

I'm glad she was asleep, she needed it. I hated that she had to take a fucking pill to do it, but now wasn't the time to worry about that. Whatever gave her a few blissful hours of nothingness was my best friend right about now.

She was so much more relaxed about this trip than I was. The last thing I wanted to be doing right now was traveling again, but I didn't have a choice. After spending what felt like the entire summer with my suitcase glued to my hand, I just wanted to be home.

_Home._

Even that was ten kinds of confusing. I'd closed on the new house just before I left for the book press shit, so I didn't even live there before I left. When I got back, it was still a shell of a home. Things were put away, my stuff was in the closets, but it was cold. Rose hadn't dealt with me leaving very well, and stayed at the old house instead. She'd turned the downstairs into her office and kept a bedroom upstairs. Eric and Vas were next door and it felt like home to her. I understood, I guess. It still felt like rejection.

When I got back it felt like I had to drag her up the hill to stay with me, so half the time I stayed with her down there. It was like we were back to dating and keeping a toothbrush at each other's places. Can't say I minded the quiet in the day, I was getting more writing done during "work" hours than ever before, but it felt empty at night. And it I felt like the biggest asshole in the world for thinking it, but it was Bella I missed more.

In between it all, Rose's shit, the book press, the movie announcement, the meetings, the lunches, the endlessly long nights, Bella still waited in that quiet place in my mind. That place where I could go and everything else became smoke curling away in the breeze.

I thought about her smile and the way her eye teeth poked out just beneath her lip. I imagined her nose crinkling when she laughed and how her hair felt twirled around my fingers. I saw the way she rested her chin on her knees when she was lost in thought. I remembered how she'd trail her fingernails down my back when she lay next to me. Naked. In my bed.

I shifted in my seat and clutched the wheel. Rose snored softly and moved against the pillow. I shook my head and looked back to the rain slick road. I couldn't think about Bella with Rose next to me. I hated associating her with that feeling of day-old oatmeal stuck at the bottom of my stomach. Bella should never be attached to guilt. This guilt was independent of her and I refused to let it muck the shit out of her memory.

It was so hard not to think of Bella. Every interview I did, I wondered if she was watching. I thought about whether she'd change the channel, or listen closely while she folded socks or ironed her husband's shirts. I hated not knowing her life, not being a part of it. When I found out she'd won that contest I was ecstatic and heartbroken at the same time. I was so fucking proud of her, and so devastated, that it felt wrong to tell her as much.

I left town before she answered my letter. I worried that she wouldn't. That she'd be pissed about the book, or that I'd contacted her at all. It wasn't like last year, we said we'd keep in touch, I didn't think I'd broken any rules. When I got home the first night, I didn't even notice the stack of mail on the table. By the time I went through it, her package had been in there for way too fucking long. I felt like such an ass wipe until I read her letter and realized she was just as bad as me.

I wished I'd had her book on the road with me. Her words would have been the antidote for the loneliness that slept with me each night. I'd opened it right then and there, abandoning everything else I had to do, and read until there was nothing left to read.

It was stunning. I'd never been so captivated by the written word in my life. It was the kind of work that reminded me why I wanted to write. That girl had a fucking gift, a god given talent, and I'd be damned if I didn't see her get it published.

I took my time going back through the manuscript, leaving notes, impressions, encouragement and unabashed praise. I was constructive in my limited criticism. I hoped it was helpful in giving her the feedback that would make that fucker sparkle, so that every agent would think the stars had fallen from the sky when it landed in their laps.

I was embarrassed at how long it took me to return it to her, but knew it didn't matter when I saw her status last month, a few days after I sent it.

_Just received the biggest compliment I could ever imagine getting. I seriously cannot stop smiling. There's nothing in the world like having someone believe in you._

I hovered above the message and then clicked the "like" button. Other than that, and the hello I'd given via Eric in September, we hadn't talked at all. I asked how she was when he got back, and was treated to a vomit inducing tale of how adorable she and Jake were, complete with photographic evidence.

I squeezed the wheel again and stretched my legs as far as they could go beneath the dash. I had the seat all the way back, but it still didn't afford me enough room. Rose turned over in her seat and exhaled as she settled, facing me.

The only reason I was driving down this highway right now, was because there was no way I was going to fight her on it. She'd said she was told, flat out, that we had to come. Part of me thinks she wanted to anyway. I couldn't really fucking blame her for wanting to be around people that loved her. I guess if this is where we had to be, then so be it.

Welcome to fucking Forks.

I sailed past the sign and slowed down as I came into town. Not a damn thing had changed since I'd been here last, and I couldn't even remember when that was. I had some trouble finding the road to my parent's house, and turned around twice before realizing I hadn't gone far enough. They should make roads this hard to find in L.A., the real estate prices would soar even higher than they already were.

I could see my mom through the window as we rolled into the driveway, stopping next to Jasper's Land Cruiser. I imagined she'd stood there all damn day not believing I was actually coming, until I was here. The house door opened before I could even reach for the car handle, and she stepped out on the porch, wringing her hands and standing on her tip toes to see us.

"Rose," I said, nudging her arm. "Rose, wake up, we're here."

Her eyes fluttered open and her hand went to her hair. She didn't say anything as she looked around, confused.

"You can go back to bed when you get in the house, you just need to get to the house."

I went around to her side of the car to help her out and waved Esme down. The last thing Rose needed was my mom all up in her face. I held her elbow as we climbed the stairs.

"Hey kids. How are you? How was the drive?" Esme said, leaning in to hug me despite my hands being full of Rose and bags.

"We're good, Mom. Drive was fine. Rose is exhausted though, that flight was so early. Can she go right upstairs to sleep?"

"Oh, of course, hon," she said and moved aside so we could go through the door, "your room is ready, just go on up."

"Thanks Esme," Rose said. "Edward let go of my arm, I'm not an invalid."

She wiggled from my grasp and headed for the stairs with a sleeping pill induced bobble to her walk. I followed behind her, figuring I could cushion her fall if she ate shit on the stairs, but she made it to the top, and to the guest room my parents called my room, though I'd never lived here.

Rose tumbled onto the bed, after covering her up and dropping the bags, I headed down the stairs and into the firing range.

"Where is everybody?" I asked, coming into the kitchen.

Esme was at the stove and Alice was on a bar stool eating crackers. There was a small radio in the corner playing talk radio too low to hear, and the washing machine churned in the mud room.

"Jasper and Dad are golfing in Port A. They were going to wait for you, but I told them you wouldn't want to go anyway."

"No way, man, I'm beat. That flight and drive was murder."

I stretched my arms above my head to yawn and then wrapped one around my sister. It was good to see her. She leaned her head against me and squeezed my side.

"I can't believe you flew up from L.A. and then drove in from Seattle. Long day. Rose is sleeping?" Alice said.

"Yeah, she's out." I reached in her bowl, inspected the bland cracker, and threw it back.

Esme shook her head at me and disappeared into the pantry.

"Is Emmett here?" I whispered to my sister.

"No, he gets in tonight. And he's bringing someone. Should be interesting. Promise me you'll be cool."

"I'm cool. Whatever. He's the one that always acts like an asshole."

"It doesn't matter who starts what, just ignore him. I'm serious, I've never seen Mom this happy. She is over the moon excited for everyone to be here." Alice gave me a pointed look, reminding me that I was the one who most often chose to be the missing piece.

"I've got bigger fish to fry. Emmett's bullshit is the last thing on my mind," I said and then clammed up when Esme came back in the room holding a tray of chips and dip.

"Is Rose okay?" she asked, setting the snack in front of me.

"She is. She just doesn't want everyone to fuss over her, Mom, okay?"

"Who's going to fuss?" she asked, putting her hands in the air. She wore an apron over her sweater but I still could see embroidered turkey feathers peeking out from beneath.

"I'm just saying. Keep it low key."

Esme held up her finger as the phone rang and then stepped in the other room to take the call. I turned my attention to the pumpkin-shaped platter in front of me and dug in.

"Want some?" I asked, pushing it towards Alice.

She grimaced and shook her head.

"Weirdo. Mom's spicy artichoke dip was one of the only reasons I came."

"Seriously, Edward. How is she?" she asked.

I shrugged and filled my mouth with a dip laden chip.

"She won't talk about it with me," she said.

"She won't talk about it with me either."

"That's not healthy. She can't bottle it all up. This cannot be easy for her."

"Shit, Alice. I've gotten her a therapist, what else can I do? Force her to tell me how she feels about coming face to face with the man that brutally raped her? Somehow, I think that's less than helpful."

Alice rubbed her temples and sighed. "I'm sorry, buddy. This can't be easy for you either."

"It isn't. Not at all. But it's not about me."

"Are you guys okay?"

"Sure."

Alice gave me a skeptical big sister look, but said nothing. Instead, she pushed off the stool and refilled her glass of golden soda.

"I'm your sister first, her friend second. Jasper was worried about you. And then she got asked to testify and…"

"And nothing. Rose needs me. Period. I'm here for her. And I'll be there every minute of the trial in January."

"I just keep thinking about how messed up she was in high school. I'm so scared this is going to dredge all that up for her," she said.

"Don't remind me, and you don't even know the half of it. Emmett better play it cool. I swear to god, if he fucks with her, even the tiniest bit I'll-"

"You have to stop blaming him. He had no idea breaking up with Rose would set her off like that. He was a kid. You all were."

"I blame myself more," I said, and stole a swig of her soda. Fucking nasty.

"Why in the hell are you blaming yourself? You didn't do that to her, you didn't sell her to the highest bidder, you didn't stick her in a boarding school like it never happened."

"Right, but I used her like everyone else. I used her to get back at Emmett. To prove my heterosexuality, to have a good time. I never gave a second thought to how it could have hurt her. I'm no better than any of rest of them. I used her, like everybody else."

"You are so fucked in the head. I think _you_ need therapy," she said, and pushed a finger in my chest.

I snorted, I couldn't help it. "Please, I'm as normal as they come."

Alice's laugh echoed in the open kitchen. "If you're normal, then we're all screwed."

"Alice! Language!" Esme came back in the kitchen, and put the phone back in its cradle. "That was the gal from the convalescent care center confirming that we're coming over on Friday."

"Of course," Alice said. "I wouldn't miss that, it's my favorite part of Thanksgiving."

"What, what is?" I was so out of the loop.

"We go to the nursing home in town on Friday afternoon. Bring them a Christmas tree, put up decorations, and visit with them. You'll come right?"

"Sure, why not?" I said. There was no reason not to. I'd planned on sticking close to Casa Cullen for the weekend, but I didn't think I was in danger of running into anyone at a nursing home.

"Alice, I thought it'd be nice if we made some cookie tins for the residents. Remember how much they liked that last year?" Esme wiped her hands on the apron. Her hair was blonder than I remembered, and shorter too.

"I do. That's a great idea, Mom. Should we get started now? You know we won't have time tomorrow."

"You are so right, dear. Edward, are you going to help? I know how you love to make sugar cookies."

_Sure I did, Mom. When I was five._

"No, I'm actually thinking about taking a nap myself, if you don't mind," I said and yawned again.

"Of course not, sweetie." She came around the island and took my face in both her hands. They were cold and felt frail. She kissed my cheek with her paper lips. "It's good to have you home."

I patted her hair in response and turned for the stairs. I was as peaceful as Rose in two minutes flat, and when I woke up the room was dark and she was gone. I went into the bathroom to splash some water on my face and brush the funk from my mouth.

The lights were blazing downstairs in the family room, and I could see the full on holiday splatter in its glory. There were ceramic pumpkins, plastic pumpkins, stuffed pumpkins, real pumpkins, pumpkin candles, and pumpkin pillows. All surrounded by scarecrows, turkeys, dried ears of corn and fake leaf trailing things. Besides a three-foot stuffed pilgrim family, the room was empty.

I heard my mom in the kitchen singing to herself, like she does when no one's home, and I found her with flour streaked across her face, and a rolling pin in her hand.

"Still making cookies?" I asked.

She yelped and jumped up. "Edward! You scared me, I thought I was alone."

"I could tell from the singing." I winked as I teased her. "Dad and Jaz still aren't home? Where are the girls?"

"Dad and Jasper called. Dad ran into some doctor friends and they are having a drink at the clubhouse. They'll be here for dinner. I sent the girls to town because we ran out of sugar, and I didn't have the ginger for the ginger snaps. Can you believe it?"

"I can't, Mom. Wouldn't be Thanksgiving without your ginger snaps."

"Exactly. So the girls volunteered. Rose looked good. Your father and I have been so worried about her."

I cringed. I hated talking about this shit with my mom. She had the kind of gentle soul that was horrified by even the smallest misdeeds in the world. She was a strange breed of optimism and naiveté. It surprised her that people would be stabbed for no reason, yet she believed every chain email to cross her inbox.

I wasn't even sure she knew the whole story. I sure as hell never told her, and I don't know if my dad did. I mean she knew enough that Rose had something bad happen to her in the past, but I pretty much left it at that. I'd told my dad about the trial and Rose's testimony, so I guess he told her.

"She'll be fine, Mom. She's stronger than you think."

"Hmm, maybe you ought to listen to yourself there, son. Seems to this little birdie, that someone has been saying you've been putting on the kid gloves for months."

"What?"

"Oh, just some chit chat among the girls. None of my business. But from what it sounds like, Rose doesn't feel like you think she can handle all this. But I'm not saying a word."

"You already have. And I'm not treating her with 'kid gloves.' I'm just, you know, trying to support her through all this. Make sure she's okay."

"Oh sweetie, I know that. You're just like your father."

I felt myself bristle. "How's that?"

"You're a fixer. I was so surprised when you didn't go into medicine. I really did think it was your calling. Not that your novels aren't spectacular."

"I'm not a fixer." _Me a doctor, that was fucking hilarious._

"Sure you are, dear. If there wasn't already a patron saint of lost causes they'd be knocking on your door. Remember that newborn kitten? And the apparatus you tried to make to feed it? You were so heartbroken when she died, even though we told you it would happen. You always persist even when it seems hopeless."

"Well, that's nothing like Dad. So I don't really see the comparison."

Esme dropped the rolling pin as her eyes rounded.

"That is exactly your father. He never gives up on anything. He is the most loyal man I've ever known, followed by you. I've never seen anyone persevere, the way he has."

"What are you talking about? Loyal? Persevere? All I've ever known Dad to be consistent with, was giving up."

"Exactly what are you talking about?" Her voice told me she was pissed. And my mom never got pissed.

"Hello? How many times did we move when I was a kid? How many times would Dad get sick of one clinic or another, or decide that Phoenix was too sunny, and just like that, we'd be gone?"

"Oh Edward, is that how you remember it? You were just a kid. I think Dad gave you silly reasons for moving to keep it lighthearted. You hated having to leave anywhere. So he'd say Phoenix was too sunny, or Colorado too mountainey . He was joking."

"Well, it wasn't funny. Whatever his reasons, it was still messed up how he'd walk out on his work, and make us start all over, again and again."

My arms were crossed and while standing in my mother's kitchen watching her make cookies, I was a little boy again. Hurt and confused, and mad as hell.

"I never knew you felt this way. Your father helped those clinics get on their feet. He breathed life back into them. He hired new staff and trained them to take over, and stand on their own. He was teaching them to fish."

"What? And then he'd walk away?"

"When they were ready for him to. That's why sometimes it took longer and sometimes not. In life, you have to know when to let go. If you're a crutch, they'll always lean on you, no matter how strong they can be on their own."

The front door opened and I heard Alice and Rose talking with Carlisle and Jasper. They got louder as they came in the kitchen where I still stood, like an insolent child trying to make adult sense of what was told to me.

"Hey babe," Rose said, leaning over and kissing my cheek.

Jasper gave me a hug and I held my hand out to my father. His stomach was rounder than I remembered, and his hair was thin and gray around his ears. He looked older than the last time I saw him. Tired.

"Edward, it's good to see you, son. How are you? How was the trip?"

"Fine, it was fine. I'm doing great, Dad."

"So I read. Very impressed with that article in the Times. I have it up in my office. Mom used the TIVO to record your interviews. I didn't much care for that Jimmy Fallon character. Was he on drugs?"

"No Dad," I said, trying not to laugh.

"Well he's an odd fellow, isn't he?" Carlisle put his hands in the pocket of his sweater and leaned back on his heels.

"Well, at least he had the sense to stay off Letterman, Carlisle, that guy is such a do-" Jasper said.

"Jasper," Alice interjected in a sing song voice. "Come help me set the table."

Headlights flashed against the window and Rose stiffened beside me. I wrapped my arm around her waist and gave her a reassuring smile. Hers was strained, but at least she tried.

The front door hit the wall as he swung it open with too much force, and called out, "Hail, hail the gang's all here. Thanksgiving can officially commence!"

Alice giggled and ran for the hall. She wrapped her arms around his neck and jumped up. He kept walking forward with her hanging there, both his arms carrying bags. What she saw in our brother, I'd never understand.

He set the bags in the middle of the floor, and gave Alice a squeeze before lifting her off his neck. He shook Jaz's hand and clapped Carlisle's back before kissing our mother. Rose and I stood off to the side, the obvious outsiders in this happy reunion.

"Hey, little brother," he said, coming over to me. "How's it hanging?" He shook my hand and squeezed it unnecessarily hard. "What, they don't feed you in L.A.?" he asked, and pinched my arm. Like we were twelve.

"Hey, Emmett, how are you?"

"No complaints. Rose, you look good."

He leaned in to give her an awkward hug, and they bumped noses against shoulders while trying to figure out where their heads should go.

"Hi Emmett," she said.

"Yo, guys, this is Heidi. Heidi, this is everyone," he said, motioning to the woman behind him that I hadn't noticed. She was as tall as him, but one tenth his size.

We gave the names Emmett didn't bother with just before Esme called us all to the dining room. We each had our places delegated with a name card, and I could have kicked Alice for not making sure I was as far from Emmett as fucking possible.

There was small talk, and, thankfully, cocktails around the table. Emmett was busy singing his praises to Mom and Dad, so luckily I didn't have to talk to him. Rose and Alice were knee deep in giggles while Heidi pushed her food around the plate.

"So Heidi, have you ever been to the Pacific Northwest before?" I said.

She look startled that I talked to her. "No, but I can't go this trip. I didn't bring my passport."

I glanced at Jasper for help and he shoveled a huge piece of meat in his mouth to hide his smile. Come on, what the fuck was I supposed to say to that? I opted for a nod and a smile.

Alice whispered in Jasper's ear and he grinned and stood up.

"Can I have everyone's attention?" he said, taking his fork against his glass.

Esme and Carlisle grasped hands and beamed at each other. What the fuck was going on?

"We wanted to wait until tomorrow to bring this up. Alice had this vision of us gathered around the table, sharing what we're thankful for, but she's informed me that if she has to wait one minute longer, she will "literally burst." So I've been told to give you the good news."

He paused, and glanced down at his wife, who was glowing at him. Wait a minute…

"Alice is pregnant, she's due in June and we're thrilled."

Esme threw her hands in the air while my father nodded and smiled at Jasper. Alice got up to hug everyone, and Emmett looked pissed that she'd stolen his thunder.

"Oh, I knew it! When you asked me to pick up ginger ale at the store, I knew it. You kids always had to have ginger ale when you were sick, but Alice would panic if she didn't have her ginger ale. A baby, Alice, a baby!" Esme went on and on.

"I don't get it. You're pregnant? You're not even fat," Heidi said.

"I'm only a few months, plenty of time for that," Alice responded, nicer than I imagined anyone else could.

I looked to Rose whose smile told me she already knew Alice's news. It was times like this I wondered if she really meant it, when she said she didn't want kids, even if she could have them. Not that we had any business bringing a child into this world, but still.

I squeezed her hand under the table, and she leaned against me while the conversation turned to pre-natal vitamins, morning sickness and shit I had no idea what the fuck it was. Rose got heavier and heavier on my side, but I held her there as long as she needed.

* * *

"Dude Jaz, carry your load, man. This tree weighs a ton," I said through gritted teeth. I had sap all over my hands and a pine needle rash working its way up my arms.

"Shut up, I am. Quit being a girl and get your arm in there. You can't carry it with two pinkies."

I grunted and flipped him the finger behind my parents' backs. He laughed and dropped his grip giving me more weight to grapple with.

"Why you… I ought to-"

"Oh, for heaven's sake, boys. It's not that heavy," Alice said, stepping over to reach for the tree.

"No!" We both yelled and hoisted the branches to our shoulders, and thus, out of her reach.

"Mary Alice, don't you dare. Carrying a tree in your condition..." Esme stopped on the path to scold her.

Alice rolled her eyes and pushed past us to run up the hill.

"Jaz, set it down a minute. I have to take a break." I dropped the tree to the ground and wheezed in the damp air. "Why didn't Emmett come again? Just when he'd be good for something…"

"The market never closes, you know that. He had calls to make. Poor boy is stuck in your father's study." Esme said.

No surprise she defended him even in his absence. I knew for a fact that stocks closed at one in the afternoon on Black Friday, and it was already two on the west coast. He just didn't want to come. Fine, good riddance, added bonus to doing charity.

Jasper and I struggled to heave the tree on top of Carlisle's Suburban when, out of nowhere, it lightened. I dug my head out of the branches and saw Heidi's arms pushing against the trunk. That chick was freakishly strong.

The drive to the nursing home didn't take long, and Jasper and I got the tree down with little embarrassment despite Heidi's help. Good thing she was there, otherwise Carlisle might have tried and thrown his back out, again. Alice said he did it every year, even when Emmett was there for the heavy lifting.

The residents were overjoyed to see us, hugging Alice and Jasper, and pinching my cheeks like they knew me. We were told by more than one staff member that is was their favorite day of the year. It was sweet how invested my family was in these virtual strangers, though both Carlisle and Esme volunteered here on a regular basis, Alice and Jasper only came once a year.

The tree was trimmed, the halls were decked, cookies were passed out and yes, even carols were sung. I saw Heidi carry on the first quasi-intelligent conversation since I met her, and Alice had promises of more knitted blankets, hats and booties then she could carry.

I wished Rose had come. I couldn't fault her for not feeling up to socializing, but I think being here would have done her heart good. It reminded me of how much I missed Felix, and I made a mental note to call him when I was back in town, and to find a place like this to spend some time. I'd always thought of nursing homes as the most depressing places on earth, but this one was full of smiles, and round the clock activities for the residents. Like this calendar had a million listed, including bingo nights on Thursday, karaoke on Friday. I was bummed I missed the bingo.

"Excuse me, hey, can you help me out a minute?"

I looked away from the bulletin board and over my shoulder to the nurse at the front desk behind me.

"Me? Yeah, sure."

"Oh thanks, that was our karaoke lady calling. All the male staff are busy, and she needs help carrying in the equipment. You don't mind do you?"

"No problem, what do I need to do?" I said.

"Outside, there will be a red truck. You'll see it. I really appreciate it. I don't want to pull something trying to do it myself." She held up a skinny arm and squeezed a nonexistent muscle.

I laughed. She should have asked Heidi to help, but I was better than nothing. I opened the doors and saw the red truck in the front of the darkening parking lot. It was wet, of course, and the blacktop was icy. I wished I had my coat. My nut sack was fucking freezing.

I jogged to the truck, careful of the ice patches, and opened the tailgate before the driver got out. It was colder than freezing out here, and I was in a hurry.

The door opened and a small figure jumped out."Thanks so much, I didn't want to chance carrying this across the ice myself," she said.

My throat squeezed the breath from it, as her voice filled my ears. The wind blew the scent of her to me, and there was no mistaking it.

_Bella._

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_**~~ I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Edward to come to your home town for the holidays.~~**_

**Special thanks to feathers_mmmm this chapter. She rec'd this lil story on the Wallbanger update last week and Banger Nation flooded my inbox with alerts. So awesome!**

**I also had a blast doing an interview with Sue from the So You Think You Can Write blog. It's definitely worth a read! http(:)(/)sytycw(.)blogspot(.)com . I'm still on the front page, second post down.**


	27. In A Town This Size

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either.**_

**Love to my girls, who celebrate my triumphs as their own, everyone should be lucky enough to have friends like you.**

**Y'all I have gotten way behind in the review replies and I am so, so sorry. There have been some really cool things happening around here but these developments are stealing away my time. I promise I read and love every review and will send you the thanks you so richly deserve.

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_In a town this size, there's no place to hide_

_Everywhere you go you meet someone you know _

_You can't steal a kiss in a place like this _

_How the rumors do fly _

_In a town this size_

_~~In a Town This Size, John Prine_

* * *

_Still Fall_

_~~EPOV~~_

I couldn't find the words fast enough and she was still fucking with her bag as she walked towards me. My hands were frozen on the gate and she still hadn't looked at me.

"It's okay. I'm happy to help," I said in a whisper.

She stopped at the end of the truck and raised her head, hands shaking. The surprise in her eyes was unmistakable, and totally worth breaking the vow I made with myself that I wouldn't, under any circumstances, run into her.

"Edward?"

"Hello, Bella."

"What…what are you doing here?" She still hadn't moved from the other side of the truck. It was like she trusted the metal to act as a barrier between us.

"Helping you," I said, like this wasn't a big fucking deal.

The smile spread across her face like syrup on hot pancakes.

"So you are. But what are you doing in Forks? Thanksgiving? At home?"

"Yep. Alice threatened us all with bodily harm if it didn't happen. What about you? I thought you were going out of town?"

"How…?"

"Facebook," I said with a shrug. "I saw you talking with Emily about going out of town."

"Such a stalker. Were you checking to make sure my territory was clear before coming in?"

"Something like that. I really didn't think you'd be here, if I'd known I would have given you the heads up."

My voice was low and the distance between us was shrinking. I'm not sure which one of us was moving closer, or if we were being pulled across time and space unconsciously, like magnets.

"I wasn't feeling well. My sister-in-law is pregnant, didn't want to chance giving her a bug…Oh my god, it's good to see you."

She was breathless, tiny and sweet, and more than anything, I wanted to touch her.

"It's good to see you too," I said, grinning like an idiot.

"Hey, what's wrong? They sent out reinforcements after they told me you'd offered to—oh hey, Bella," Jasper said, approaching the truck.

The spell was broken as we both turned to look at Jasper. He slowed down as he got closer.

"Bella's the karaoke lady," I said.

"That's me," she waved her hand across her chest in a half circle.

"Well, isn't that a coincidence. Good to see you, Bella." Jasper reached out and hugged her.

_Lucky fuck._

"Come on, let's get this shit inside, it's freezing out here," he said, reaching for the equipment I'd forgotten.

The biggest machine went with Jasper and I grabbed the other odds and ends to follow behind him. Bella glanced at me out of the corner of her eye, saw me looking, and grinned again.

"So, what are you guys doing here?" she asked.

"Apparently, it's a Cullen family tradition to start off the Christmas season here. Jasper, Alice and I brought them a tree, along with my parents." I hoped she noticed the name I left off.

"Where do you want this?" Jasper asked.

"The big gathering room. I'm guessing that's where you set up the tree," she said.

She unzipped her coat to slip out of it and shook off the wetness on the entry rug. When she reached up to hang it on the coat rack next to mine, I saw a slice of her flesh peek out between her jeans and her sweater. My fingertips could feel her beneath them, like they had cellular memory of her skin.

I followed her to the room where we had set up the tree and where almost all the residents were now gathered. She lit up the room as she waved and the group clapped and called to her. Obviously, she was a crowd favorite.

Jasper had set the machine down on a table at the front of the room, and I weaved through wheel chairs and canes to bring the rest of it. We waited for Bella as she made her way around the room, stopping at each eager pair of hands for a hug or handshake.

"What's all this?" Alice said, coming over with our parents.

"Karaoke night, I guess," I said. "Looks like it's pretty popular."

"Do you need help setting this up, Bella?" Jasper said, emphasizing her name more than was necessary.

Alice's mouth hung open a little and I knew instantly that he didn't keep shit from his wife. Bros before hoes my ass. Not that my sister was a ho, in fact if he didn't put her first I'd probably whip his ass, but that was beside the point.

"Hello there, Bella." Carlisle stuck out his hand. "You remember my wife, Esme?"

"Yes of course, hello Dr. Cullen, Mrs. Cullen."

"And this is our daughter Alice, though I think you may have met her before," Carlisle said and motioned to Alice. "Edward knows Bella from a writing conference."

He said it like nobody knew. Of course they knew, it was obvious this was the Bella they'd all wondered about when I called the ER in a panic. Now they got to see her for themselves.

"Alice, hi, yes we met once at that charity thing. It was a long time ago," she said.

"I think I remember," Alice said and shook her hand.

Bella raised her eyebrows with her awkward smile and stuffed her hands in her back pockets. She knew that they knew something. I hope she didn't think they were privy to it all. I wasn't that fucking close to my family. Gross.

"Okay. So I'm going to do this." Bella's hand fluttered in the air at the karaoke machine.

"Right, we were going anyway. Nice to meet you," Alice said and reached out to pull on Jasper's arm.

"Oh, let's stay," Esme piped up. "Karaoke is so fun. I'll bet they're just adorable doing it. Come on gang, it'll be great."

My mouth opened and closed like I was crunching a hard chunk of gum. Stay? As in stay here? With Bella?

"I think that sounds like a great idea. At least for a few songs. What do you say kids?" Carlisle said.

Alice shook her head but Jasper spoke up. "Sure. Why not?"

"Well, you're welcome to stay. Let me know if there's any songs you want to do. They sing a few, but they always ask me to partner with them. Take the heat off and help me out, will you?" Bella said.

Jasper laughed and reached for the song book while Alice flashed a fake smile and moved towards the crowd. She found one of her favorite residents and sat next to her.

"Mr. Banner, you going to start us off like usual? Are we going Frank Sinatra or Louis Armstrong tonight? What are you feeling?"

She was flirting with the man in the wheelchair, who didn't look that old, but had a stutter to his movements and a dazed look in his eyes.

"Sammy Davis, Jr., my love. "I've Gotta Be Me," he said, lips shaking.

"Good choice. Mixing it up. I like when you keep me on my toes." Bella wheeled him to the front of the room and handed him the microphone before selecting his track. He watched the screen on the table and began to sing in vibrato.

"He sings the same songs every time," Bella whispered next to me. "But he's my most active participant, so I don't mind."

I grinned down at her even though she couldn't see me. I loved that she did this. I loved knowing that she did this. I fucking loved seeing a slice of her life. She was still my Bluebell, but different.

I glanced up and caught Alice watching. I didn't miss the look she shot me. You're not someone's brother for thirty some odd years without catching shit like that. I looked away, Carlisle and Esme were slow dancing in a circle to my left. Their feet moved slowly, shuffling on the linoleum. They looked right at home.

Bella shifted away from me and busied herself queuing up the requests. I took a seat in the crowd to go incognito, and found I rather liked watching her from here. She moved her hips to the music and sang when she thought no one was watching.

She looked better than I remembered. Her hair was different, shinier, and her cheeks were full and pink. The sweater she was wearing put the curve of her tits on full display, and my palms itched to feel them again.

I was imagining her naked in a room of senior citizens and my parents. I hadn't felt like such a sick fuck since I wacked off to her on a public beach.

When his song ended, Mr. Banner wheeled himself to the tables, and Jasper helped a woman with a walker to the front, and got sweetened into singing with her. They did a hysterical duet of Connie Francis' "_Who's Sorry Now_," including Jasper spinning her around, walker and all.

Every single member of my family took their turn serenading the group, but I liked to think my rendition of "_Walk the Line_," won them over. I was sure she liked it. Her hand stayed over her mouth to hide her smile.

Esme watched…

Mr. Banner rolled up for another round and begged her for a duet. After much prodding, she agreed, and it was my turn to conceal my shit eating grin. Watching her stumble through the words and laugh off her own mistakes, I knew that this couldn't be it. This couldn't be all the Bella I would get.

"Alice is getting tired. Are you just about ready, bro?" Jasper said, leaning over from the row of chairs behind me.

I turned my head to look at him and shook my head, just once, with pleading eyes.

"Fuck Edward, fuck. What the hell do you expect me to say?"

"I just want to take her to dinner or coffee, to talk. That's all. I told you she sent me her book. I want to know if it's ready. I'm trying to convince her that you're the guy to send it to. I'm doing you a favor."

Jasper let out a groan that covered a laugh. "Oh, so that's how you're going to spin it. Whatever. I'm not going to lie for you."

"Who's asking for a lie? I'm texting Rose that I ran into a writer I know, and we're going to catch up. That's the truth."

"Whatever, man. But you tell Alice." He leaned back in his chair and threaded his fingers behind his head.

The devil herself came over with her coat and her purse, and waited for us to stand. She looked at Jasper who stood, and then at me, who didn't.

"Edward? Let's go."

"I think I'm going to stick around for a bit."

She scrunched up her face and cocked her head. "But you don't have a car."

"I'll catch a ride." I bounced my leg and looked around. _Play it cool, Edward. Don't act as desperate as you are._

"You'll. Catch. A. Ride," Alice repeated.

"Yeah, no problem. I texted Rose," I responded, waving my phone around.

"Glad to know you thought to clear it with her first. Come on Jasper, let's get out of here."

Jasper said goodbye to Bella, as did my parents. Even Heidi gave a polite wave. Bella watched them leave, and looked back and forth from the group to me. I rubbed the back of my neck and smiled.

"Are there any more requests?" she asked from the front. "Or are you about done?"

"Sing us something sweetie," called out a feeble woman in a wheelchair at the back.

"Oh, I don't know," Bella said. "I hate singing alone, you know that. Anyone willing to get up here with me?"

Oh, she was in trouble now. She should have known better than to ask. I stood up, yanked on the waist of my drooping jeans and raised my hand. She bit her lip and scoffed at me, but smiled. Fuck did she smile.

"Alright, get up here."

I'm pretty sure I did what could be described as a jig all the way to the front. "I know just the song I want to sing," I said softly as I got closer to her. I could reach out and touch her if I wanted. No one would see.

"Oh no. You volunteered to sing with me, not the other way around. I've got just the song for you."

She bent over, pushing that perfect ass in the air as she fiddled with the controls. She handed me a mic and pointed at the screen.

_In a Town This Size_, by _John Prine_. Duly noted.

I shook my head and chewed my cheek, waiting for the lyrics to come on. I was up first. We sang the words she meant as advice, to a rounding sound of applause at the end. Her point was taken, but I didn't give two shits. When the residents were wheeled away for bed, I took my shot.

"Let me take you to dinner," I said into her ear. I could feel her hairs on my face and my whole being flexed at her nearness.

"Were you not listening to the song, Edward?"

She didn't turn around, but she shook her head so her hair moved across my face. It was a good thing my hands were in my pockets or else they'd be all over her. Geezers be damned.

"It's just dinner, Bluebell. In public. With people watching. What's the harm in that?"

She paused, her hands still in the air. "I should say no, but I really don't want to. Every good reason I have to turn you down just fell out my ears."

My grin was damn near ready to break my face.

"Good girl, get your shit, let's blow."

Making our way to the front door, Bella called out to the girl at the front desk. "Bye Lauren, see you in two weeks."

She pushed open the door for me with her hip, and said in a loud voice, "Thank you so much for sticking around to carry this out for me. Really helpful, Mr. Cullen."

The door closed in a swish behind us, taking the warm air and the audience with it.

"Nice Bluebell, real subtle."

"I had to try and cover my bases at least." She lifted her arms over the side of the truck and set down the equipment, I did the same and then jogged in place next to her passenger side door.

"You seriously stayed without a ride. What if I had said no?"

"I took my chances. Besides, you stopped saying no to me a long time ago."

Bella looked around the back of the cab and glared at me. "Get in," she said, before unlocking her door and reaching across to do mine.

The door howled as I opened it. My body shook on the seat while she started the engine and turned up the heat. How anyone ever lived in this fucking cold, I'd never know.

Bella turned on the radio and backed out of the deserted parking lot, and onto the highway. Within minutes we'd passed every restaurant in town, but were still ambling on.

"Um, where are we going?" I asked after awhile.

"I wasn't kidding about the song. I agreed to dinner but not in this town. No way in hell we could go to dinner here." She pressed the gas and the old truck grumbled but complied.

I put my arm along the back of the seat and let my fingers work through her hair, coiling the strands around my hand. I didn't fucking dare touch her skin.

"I can't believe you're here," she said. "It feels surreal. I'm sure I'm going to wake up needing to pee, and looking for my glass of water."

"I assure you I'm real. Completely real, and breaking all the rules."

She snorted. For the love of god, she snorted. I couldn't get enough of this girl.

"That's true. It's so strange going from nothing to, to this."

"I hope you're not pissed I didn't tell you. I figured you'd be gone, I could get in and get out, and you'd be none the wiser."

"I kind of like how it worked out," she said, dipping her eyelashes down low. "Sort of like fate, you know? I've got a free night, you're here alone…"

"I'm not totally alone, I have to be honest. Rose is here. She just didn't come to the home."

"Oh shit. How are you getting around that?"

"Eh, I'll figure it out later. I just couldn't miss the chance to see you again. She'll be cool."

Her smile was sadder than it had been a minute ago and I knew she was worried for me. If I stopped and thought about it long enough, I was worried too. The last thing Rose needed was this.

"How are you, Bluebell? How's life?"

"Actually? Not half bad."

"Yeah?" I said and scolded myself for the disappointment I felt. _You want her to be happy, dumb fuck, remember?_

"Yeah. I mean, I'm polishing the book to get ready to query, and I got a part time gig at the library because one of the clerk's retired."

"Really? That's awesome. And your book, god Bella, was it evident enough how much I loved it?"

"Just a bit," she said, glancing at me. "Are you sure you weren't laying it on thick because you felt guilty about being real with me on the other one?"

"I was real with you on both of them. It was amazing. I could not put it down. Your characters, fuck, they were insane. I loved and hated each one in turn. You have a knack for writing the human condition. I, literally, cannot wait for it to be published. Without a doubt, I'll be saying, I knew you when."

"Oh, come on," she said, laughing and swatting at me with her mittened hand.

"I mean it. I was in awe. And I fully intend on telling the world I discovered you."

She flashed me her teeth and I saw that crinkle of the nose I loved so much.

"We're here. Let's get our eat on," she said as she parked along the main street in Port Angeles.

I let her lead me to the door of a small Italian restaurant, but shooed away her arm when it went for the door. This wasn't a date. I knew that, obviously, but I was still going to treat her like it was.

A quiet table in the back is where we found ourselves, stripped of our jackets and chewing on crusty bread soaked in olive oil. I ordered a bottle of wine and poured liberally. I noticed the way the candles lit her eyes and how her lips shined from the wine. Every time she took a sip, she stuck her tongue out to lick every drop from them. I'd give my right nut to be that tongue right now.

"So tell me what else, besides writing the next best seller and shelving books, what have you been up to?" I asked between mouthfuls of bread and wine.

"Mostly that. I've been a little behind on shit since I had this fucking cough all summer, that I've finally seemed to kick. Third round of antibiotics did the trick. The girls are in preschool, which has been amazing. Seriously. I feel like a bad mother for saying it, but I like them more now that I get a break from them. I have the energy to actually want to play with them."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder," I said and laughed.

"Yeah it does," she answered. No laugh.

She held my gaze for a moment and then reached for her wine. "But anyway, I won a short story contest in a literary journal, I don't know if you saw that."

"I did. I was astounded but not surprised. I'm not the only one that can recognize talent."

We both reached for the bread and our fingertips nearly touched, but didn't. She pulled away first.

"Thank you, I am proud of myself, you know? I put it out there, I took a chance and I won. Best part was, Jake insisted the prize money was mine, and my paychecks too. I opened my own account at the bank. I have my own damn money. I mean, the money he earned always belonged to both of us, but there's a difference in actually earning it yourself."

"That's great, Bella. Fucking fantastic."

"I know, right?"

She beamed. She literally brightened the room from her glow.

"I finally feel like I'm getting my butt tied on. I don't have all the answers, but at least I'm picking my feet up and moving," she said, going on.

I tried to decipher what that meant about Jake. I figured it'd be better to ask the questions that had nagged me since Eric's return from the land of Forks.

"So, how are you and…"

"Oh, the same. There's no miracle cure for that fuckery. Though, it has been interesting since Leah got a boyfriend."

"She did? Oh man. What's up with that?"

"Well, I don't really know. Emily mentioned that she was seeing someone and then it clicked how much more attentive Jake was being. How he was home a little more, the way he told me to keep the prize and my paychecks, even though I know we're not rolling in money. He's just been weirdly giving."

"Maybe he feels guilty," I said, hoping she didn't.

"Maybe, I don't know. I try not to think about it much. Leah having or not having someone else, hasn't changed everything. He might be around more, but save one walk down memory lane, he's not…fuck. Nevermind, this is weird."

I knew where she was going with that. It was weird. But it was us.

"We're weird, Bella. So be it. But I catch your drift. It's not like her moving on has been some magical cure for you guys."

"Nope, not at all. In fact, in some ways it irritates me. I feel like shit for thinking it, but I felt less guilty when he had someone. Now I feel like the adulterer and I hate that."

Her shoulders dropped a little and my heart squeezed in my chest.

"I'm not going to pretend we're not, but he is too," I said.

"It is what it is," she said, raising her hands and dropping them again.

"It is what it is."

"Enough about me. My life bores me, no need to bore you too. What's going on with you? I've seen the press on the book, the reviews are stellar. And a movie? Talk about knowing you when. Though I didn't really," she said and laughed.

"Well you've pretty much heard it all then. I spent all summer in a torpedo of _Vampires After Midnight_ shit."

"That can't be all that's going on. Eric said you bought a new house? Tell me about that."

I cringed. I hated to think what Eric might have told her. To Eric, Rose and I were fucking Barbie and Ken, perfection in matching boxes. He not only idolized Rose, but he idolized us. There was no doubt in my mind that he gave Bella his skewed perception of it all.

"I did. I wanted a little more privacy. And Rose, well, she agreed because of some shit going on, but as it turns out she's not living there as much as I am. It's confusing as fuck."

Bella's eyebrows knitted as she tilted her head. "Why? What's going on? Are you guys okay?"

I scratched my head and grimaced again. "Are you sure it's cool to talk about this? I mean, we could talk about something else. Alice is pregnant, so that's pretty great."

"That is great! Congratulations, Uncle. But, yeah it's cool. Lay it on me." She tapped her chest like she was a thug calling me to battle, and we both laughed.

"Okay, so this summer, right before I left for the press stuff, Rose gets a letter. It was from a district attorney in New York. They want her to testify against her rapist."

"Oh my god. Oh my god. But, hasn't it been too long? What about the contract?"

"Well, he hasn't been charged for what happened to her. The statue of limitations on that has long since passed. They want her testimony to establish a pattern of behavior. That cocksucking asshole finally crossed the path of someone who wasn't willing to take his pay off. And they are arguing the contract her dad signed doesn't apply to her. She was a minor then, she's not now and she never entered into any contract with him. "

"Oh god. I know I keep saying that, but really, what else can you say? How did they even find her? Or know how to...?"

"He kept photographic souvenirs. Some with names. They tracked her down."

"Poor Rose. And she's going to do it? After all these years?" Bella shook her head.

"She wants to do it. As much as it fucking kills her, she wants to. There was no discussion of telling the D.A. no. She's said since the day she got that letter, that if her testimony helps strengthen their case, it's worth it. I think that's haunted her the most. The lack of control, because she had no say in what happened to her, what happened after, any of it. It's made her sick to think that he was out there doing this to other girls."

"Wow. Well I get that, it's empowering, in a way. But, man, she must have balls of steel."

"She does. I tell her all the time how fucking proud I am of her. I think this is going to be huge for her."

"Do you worry about...?"

"It breaking her? Every god damn day. But what I hope for, is that it only makes her stronger. That she'll get closure on all this. That's what was missing for her. If she can't get closure, maybe she can-"

"Be whole."

"Exactly," I said.

Our plates were being cleared and Bella leaned forward on the table to rest her chin in her hands.

"So, when is all this going down?" she asked.

"January. She's met with them a few times to prepare already. But the big day is middle of the month sometime. We'll know exactly as we get closer."

"Well, good luck. I'll be keeping you both in my thoughts."

She said it with such warmth and sincerity, I knew she meant it. No other woman on Earth could be that good.

"You're fucking amazing, Bella."

"What? Why?"

"Because. You just are. How you are about all this. It's amazing."

"I'd be the biggest bitch in the world not to feel bad for Rose right now. It doesn't matter that she's with you instead of me, I wouldn't wish what she's going through on anyone. Ever."

"I've missed you," I said without thinking.

Her cheeks flushed at my words. "I've missed you too." It was barely a whisper.

"Will there be anything else?" The waitress asked as she set down the bill.

I shook my head and handed her my credit card. I wished I would have thought to eat slower.

As if she read my thoughts, Bella frowned and looked around. She glanced at her watch and back to me.

"I guess we should go," I said.

"I guess we should."

We were silent as we put on our coats and walked back to the truck. We weren't used to our time together being so brief. She would drive me home and that would be that. There would be no tomorrow for us today.

I heard her shuffle for her keys as we grew nearer and grabbed her arm to stop her. She wouldn't look at me.

"So, I mean is it okay to take you to your house? I meant, that's where you want to go, right? But are you going to get a lot of questions, or..."

"Bella, we've done nothing wrong here. We're friends who had dinner. You can drive me right up to my front door. No need to drop me off thirty paces from the driveway."

Her laugh sounded almost like a cry. She still would not look at me. I put an end to that bullshit, and the stalemate we had on skin to skin contact. I reached out and touched her.

As soon as my cold finger hit her cheek I felt her run through my veins, as though I'd just pierced her skin with mine. She glanced to me, biting her lip, but all the tension rippled from her body.

"I know we're not wrong, Edward. Nothing that feels this right, could be wrong."

I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to push her inside the musty cab of her truck, and tear her clothes from her body so I could actually be inside her. I wanted to do all the things that I knew would make this wrong. So, I had to settle for keeping it right.

My finger continued to follow the line of her cheek as I bent down to bring my mouth to hers. I stopped just above her, and my lips told her all the things I wanted to say, but couldn't. I knew hers listened because when we finally ended the distance, we both only paused as we met, and then parted again.

"Goodbye Bluebell, parting is such sweet sorrow."

Her eyes closed and one single tear squeezed out and fell to my fingertip.

"That I shall say goodnight till it be March," she whispered.

"That doesn't rhyme," I said swallowing back the catch in my voice.

"We're writers, we make our own rules."

Her eyes opened and she stepped away from my touch.

"We're _Edward and Bella_, we make our own rules," I answered.

She smiled softly and turned her face up to the blue moon that shone above us. I watched the light paint her silver and knew that there would never, in my life, be another Bella.

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_**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love to sing karaoke with Edward~~**_

**Hey y'all! Just found out from the awesome venis_envy that Tangled Up in Blue was nominated in the Hidden Star Awards for Best All Human and Best Kiss! Y'all are seriously awesome getting this story recognized. If you're interested in voting, it begins September 20th at http(:)(/)(/)thehiddenstarawards(.)blogspot(.)com(/)**

**Voting is also now open for the Twilight All Human Awards and Tangled Up In Blue is up for Fic You Could Not Stop Reading www(.)twilightallhumanawards(.)webs(.)com**


	28. 1,000 Oceans

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Big wet sloppy kisses with too much tongue to drunknessie, sugartits, kstewfangirl & agirlreckoning. I don't know how y'all put up with me.**

**More in the a/n at the bottom, let's get into this, shall we?**

**_Editing to include a warning at reader's request. This chapter is not for the faint of heart, the angst is high with sensitive subject matter regarding complications during pregnancy. Please proceed with caution :(_  
**

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_These tears I've cried._

_I've cried a thousand oceans._

_And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness_

_Well, I can't believe that I would keep,_

_Keep you from flying. _

_~~1,000 Oceans, Tori Amos_

_

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_

_Winter_

_~~BPOV~~_

Edward Anthony Cullen Today 3:02 am

_Where have you been? You didn't answer my last message. Everything alright?_

_They've just given me the topic for my class at the conference this year. They actually were concerned about having me back, something about needing more security. Like they think all the Masenites are going to riot or something? They're surprised I still want to do it. It's funny how they think I'm so dedicated to it. If they only knew what really brings me back each year. Anyways, I think you should take my course, "I'm Being Published, Now What?" _

_I know, I know, it's not published yet, but it will be. It's too fucking good to even worry about a jinx. Sign up soon, they expect it to fill up quick. Not that I wouldn't let you in, enrolled or not, but save me the trouble, okay?_

_Oh, and Merry Christmas. _

_~BH_

I bit my nail until the pain of the quick swallowed the ache in my heart. I hit the "x" in the corner of the screen and bent over to retch in the trash can at my feet.

How could I answer him? What could I say? Was there any explanation I could give that would make it better?

I stared at the pile of puke and began to cry, again. With every day that passed I felt worse, not better. The puking, the fatigue, they were all part of it and there was an end in sight, that I knew. The depression, however, bled through me each day filling every nook with its darkness. It wasn't like this before.

But I guess that was the difference between wanting to be pregnant and not.

With Sarah we'd huddled in the bathroom together watching the second line appear seconds after I'd set the stick down on the counter. We refused to believe it until the timer indicated three minutes had passed and I had jumped into Jake's arms as his fist flew in the air, and he yelled "that's what I'm talking about!"

When I thought I might be pregnant with Charlotte, I took the test alone. I was naïve at the time, thinking that a new baby was just what we needed to feel like "us" again. To me, those two pink lines were building a bridge from me back to him. I went out and bought Sarah a shirt that said "Big Sister" and waited for him to notice her.

This time, there was no careful counting of cycle days or bated breaths while waiting to test. I had a blood draw after a follow up visit to my doctor when I complained of flu like symptoms after Thanksgiving. He was concerned after the "Summer of Cough" as I called it. He called with "good news," I didn't have the flu. The heavy hitting antibiotic he'd prescribed had not only killed the cough but the effectiveness of my birth control. He offered congratulations and I hung up the phone to call my OB, and asked for a sonogram to determine the due date.

She squeezed me in the next morning and I cried what I pretended were tears of happiness as she showed me the flicker of a heart beat on the screen. She took measurements and announced I was due in July. I shed a tear for every step I'd taken to make changes in my life, a few for Jake who was missing this moment, and mostly for the baby who didn't deserve to be born to a mother who could do nothing but cry about it's existence.

My doctor handed me a tissue and the print outs of the sonogram pictures. I texted Emily and asked her to keep the girls a little longer and I got in my car and drove. I drove for as long as I felt like driving, crossing the Sound on a ferry at one point, until I found a place to stop. Sitting in a harbor, holding the pictures in my lap, I watched the ships load and unload preparing for their journeys at sea.

I couldn't bring myself to say the words aloud to Jake. I kept the secret for a few more days, resigned to wait until I could muster at least an ounce of happiness. I unpacked the boxes of the girls' baby clothes hoping to stir longing into my heart, but all that I found was bitterness and pain. Even the photos of their first years did nothing to absolve me of fear and panic. Instead of cooing over their wrinkled faces and tiny feet, I only saw the exhaustion in my eyes, the weariness of my face.

This time, I knew better. A baby band-aid for this marriage was about as helpful as using bubble gum to hold a crack in the Hoover Dam. We were at a breaking point either way and having a baby only meant there was one more heart to break.

I gave up waiting for the maternal feelings to appear and put the sonogram picture in his lunchbox one morning. It was better than having to tell him to his face because I wasn't that good of an actress. He was thrilled. Of course.

"Ah, Belly. Did you get sick again? You poor thing, I thought it was getting better," he said, massaging my shoulders that were still bent over the trash can.

I straightened up and tied the bin liner in a knot.

"Some days are better than others," I answered.

"Why don't you go lay down for a bit before we head over to my dad's? I just put the girls down, a nap would be good for you."

"Thanks, but, I still have a few presents to wrap and I need to put the side dishes in the oven to warm—"

"To bed. Now. I'll take care of that for you." He pulled me by the hand and walked me to the bedroom.

I let him put me to bed though I knew sleep would never come. I didn't deserve midday naps and a husband that doted on me. I resented an innocent baby just because he existed no matter how much I tried not to. There were no words for mothers like me.

I fell into the kind of sleep that isn't really sleep, when your mind keeps landing on thoughts for a moment before shuffling to another like the turning of a Rolodex. When Jake woke me, and pulled me from the bed to leave for the holiday dinner at his father's, I might as well have been sleepwalking.

I ate, I smiled, and I nodded at conversation I wasn't listening to, since most of it centered on the impending arrival of Rebecca's baby. She was having another boy and Jake and her husband were deep in discussion of cup plates for toddlers.

"I think T-ball will be first, they can start that pretty young. And soccer, soccer for sure. We need to get him on skates early, if he'll be any good at hockey—"

"For goodness' sake, Jacob, you haven't even let the boy finish baking yet! Give the kid a break, already!" Rebecca said, chiding her younger brother.

She smiled at me and patted the belly that was just starting to look less like I'd had a big meal and more like I'd had a few of them. Being pregnant, she should have known better than to touch without asking.

"We don't even know if it's a boy, he's just using some powerful wishful thinking," I said, rolling my eyes and thinking of all the blue that was under the tree this morning.

"When do you find out?" she asked.

"End of February? Something like that. I'm not even twelve weeks yet. I told Jake we should wait to tell everyone, you know? But he was too excited, I guess."

I pulled at the ends of my limp hair and begged the queasiness in my stomach to mellow. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

"Well, what's a few days early? I'm so glad you told us, how else would we know to buy for a new little nephew." She bent over and cooed the last words at my belly button. "I can't believe you didn't even tell us you were trying! Such a surprise."

"We weren't," I said, the dullness of my words catching Jake's attention.

"Nope, we weren't. It was just fate, wasn't it Belly? This little guy just wanted to be part of our family so bad, he made himself happen," he said.

Jake had told every single person we'd ever met that I was pregnant before he'd even finished his lunch that day. My phone rang for hours and I feigned excitement before turning it off and dunking myself in a bath. I'd spent most days since staring at the walls and willing myself to get the fuck over it. Yet, every time I tried to return to being me, I couldn't be bothered to find the energy. My novel sat, completed, waiting to be queried. Friends were forgotten, housework ignored, children signed up for additional days at preschool. I failed at everything.

Emily knew something was up but she figured it was just a case of the I've-gotten-my-body-and-semblance-of-a-life-back-and-now-I'm-knocked-up-again Blues. She had no idea I wasn't mourning the life I was losing, I was morning the life I wouldn't have.

I tried to smile at Rebecca as she talked about sons versus daughters, sports leagues and circumcisions. Jake brought me another piece of pie and kissed my forehead before going to check on the girls. I stabbed the fork into the crust as she talked, twisting and turning it and making a mess out of the desert on my plate.

* * *

Sam and Emily's house was filled with party-goers, and merriment making resolutions, and promises for the year to come. I only had one resolution and I wasn't sharing it with the masses. Slipping out the backdoor a few minutes before midnight, I made my way across the dark yard to sit and look up to the stars.

My butt froze as soon as it touched the cold wood of the chair in the grass. A wet drop of tears or snot hit my knee and I felt the dampness through my jeans. I gave myself a good cry knowing it would be the last time I shed tears over this.

I usually wasn't one for resolutions but if anyone needed to make a vow for change, it was me.

"This is it," I said to the air, the sky, the nothingness around me. "These are the last tears I cry for me. No more wallowing in a vat of self-pity. No one else made my bed and I sure as hell don't have anywhere else to sleep."

I laughed at myself for talking to the trees and wiped at my nose with the back of my sleeve.

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, and it's a new life for me. And I'm feeling….like total shit. But that ends now. Everything I feel about all this stays in this year. I will not take it to the next. The clock strikes midnight and day one. We're starting over, little one. You are my baby, and I will love you. Even if it kills me."

I leaned all the way back in the chair and wrapped my hands around my middle. The mood was hidden by the clouds, her glow missing from the sky. I made more promises I intended to keep. The burst of acceptance was rallied on earlier in the week by the disappearance of early pregnancy symptoms that had plagued me for months. The first trimester was officially over. In a few weeks I'd be noticing the first fluttering of the life inside me.

The clouds broke and the moon reflected on my face. I lifted my chin to bathe in her light and the salt of my tears. They dried sticky on my face but I was relieved there were no more new ones to wash away the old. I was all cried out.

* * *

"You do know the baby might not be a boy, right? No matter what Jake says?" I said and shook my head as Emily piled more clothes in my arms.

"I know, I know, but I couldn't resist! Besides, now that we're done, Sam said I have to get rid of all this and I couldn't bear to part with it. But giving it to you makes me happy. Win-win."

"That for baby, Mama?" Charlotte asked pulling a sleeper off the pile.

"It is, sweetie. Well, if you have a brother. Auntie Emily and Daddy think you're having a brother."

Charlotte fingered the blue outfit and cocked her head to peer at my stomach.

"He dis little?" she asked and held it up.

"He's even littler now honey. That won't fit him for months after he's born. Gah! Emily, now you've got me doing it." I smacked my hand to my head.

"He's totally a boy and you know it. Just give into it."

"You could be wrong! I'm cool with it either way, boy or girl."

"You say that now, wait until you have a son. There is nothing in the world like a mother's bond with her son."

I shot Emily a look and pointed at the back of Charlotte's head. She was not on board with the new baby idea and the last thing she needed was to hear Emily romanticizing how special a little boy would be. She mouthed an apology to me and shooed Charlotte off to play with all of our kids.

"You're looking good, Bells. You feeling better?" she asked.

"Much. I haven't been sick since before New Year's. Settling quite nicely into the second trimester don't you think?" I asked before stretching my shirt across my rounded middle.

"So stinking cute! Look how tiny you are. You're not even in maternity clothes are you? And you're what? How many weeks?"

"Fifteen yesterday. I was so much bigger with Charlotte by this point. I'm kind of surprised."

"Boy," Emily sang, wagging her finger at me. "Absolutely, positively, a boy. You're carrying different, you were sicker in the beginning, it's a boy."

"Whatever. When I wasn't sick with the girls everyone told me I was having boys because girls make you sick and boys don't. Those wives tales mean nothing."

I smoothed my hands across my stomach and smiled. I meant it when I said I would be happy either way, but my dreams had been filled with sweetest baby boy touching my cheeks and calling my name. _Mommy_.

I felt a twinge in my side that I recognized as my muscles stretching, and rubbed at the spot letting myself give into a yawn.

"You poor thing, you're exhausted aren't you?" she said.

"No, I'm better, really. Just woke up this morning super early for no good reason."

"Why don't you head home for a bit, leave the girls here? I'll feed them dinner and have Sam bring them over before bedtime."

"Emily, no. You don't have to do that. You've got four of your own to chase, you help me out far too much as it is."

"Oh, they're no bother. Besides, I'm already outnumbered. Two or ten, makes no difference.

"Okay, if you truly don't mind. I'd love it. Jake's gone in Port Townsend until tomorrow. I could use the time to do…some stuff I've been avoiding," I said.

"What's he doing in Port Townsend? And why don't they just stay the night then?"

"Side job, or something he said. And no. That's too much."

"Baloney. Go. Enjoy. They'll be home sometime tomorrow," she said and pulled me up pushing me to the door.

"Wait, let me say goodbye."

"No, that will give them a chance to guilt trip you into taking them. Just leave, they're fine and you know it," she said, handing me the box of clothes I'd come over for in the first place. "I've got plenty of pajamas and toothbrushes and sippy cups, I don't want to hear from you 'til morning, get out of my face."

"Thank you," I said, and wrapped my free arm around her.

When I arrived home, I didn't quite know what to do with myself. I wandered around, pausing on tasks I considered completing. I could have done the dishes, or folded the laundry, or scraped whatever that sticky brown tar substance was from the bottom of my refrigerator, but there was one thing I needed to do.

I dropped the box of baby clothes on my bed and it toppled over and spilled as I climbed up on the pillows. Picking up my laptop, I opened up my email program. Other than the cordial "Happy Holidays"I finally had gotten around to a few weeks ago, I'd ignored all of Edward's messages. He kept writing, asking about me, but I didn't have an answer for him. I had to tell him, of course, I couldn't just let him see me. I owed him the heads up.

I pressed "reply" to his latest message and watched the cursor blink for at least an hour. I set the computer down on the bed, the blank message screen still open, and sorted through the clothes again. I hoped that the words would just come to me, like a narrative, and I'd find a way to come clean.

There were piles all around me, organized by size, by the time I was through. I was no closer to having the answer than when I started so I minimized the screen and stalked his page instead.

He was in New York for the trial. His updates made it sound like he was there on book business or movie ass-kissing and what not, but I knew he was there for the trial. If I needed an excuse not to tell him now, this was it. I tapped the keyboard with my fingertips and sighed.

I typed him a quick message of support for the trial and opened a new message in my email to compose a draft of what I actually had to say. It was dark when I finished and pressed save. My stomach clenched at the motion and I felt like someone had wrung the water from me and left me in a wrinkled heap.

I pushed the laptop off me and curled into a ball around my body pillow. The anxiety-induced queasiness gripped my stomach again, which was ridiculous because I hadn't even sent the letter, but the mere act of writing it had left me clammy and shaky.

It was dark when I woke, drenched in sweat and shaken by the most painful gas bubble. My middle was round and hard, and tender to the touch. I stood on quaking legs to hobble to the bathroom.

The pain rocked me as I grabbed the sink and tore through the medicine cabinet for a bottle of Pepto. I chugged straight from the bottle and sat on the toilet to do my thing. My fingers trembled as I reached for the toilet paper and out of some strange instinct, I looked after I wiped. I couldn't process what I saw.

_Blood_.

A streak of bright red blood smack dab in the center of the paper. I fumbled with my jeans trying to pull my underwear from their center. They stuck to my pants from the blood that had wet them. I wiped again, and again, and there was more. It was on my thighs, on my hands and dripping into the water of the bowl. I grabbed a towel and wet it in the sink trying to wash the red from my skin. I kicked off the jeans and replaced my underwear adding a thick cotton pad for absorbency.

I made it back out to the bedroom and pulled on a pair of yoga pants. The clock told me, in red, that it was two in the morning. Of course it was. These things never happened at two in the afternoon when your doctor was in her office and someone could give you a ride.

I threw my phone in my bag, shoved the dog out of the way, and grabbed my coat from the closet. The dog whined and sniffed at me, making the dread in my chest heavier with worry. I wasn't thinking about what this could mean. I couldn't think about what this could mean until I was safe at a hospital with someone who could figure it out.

The roads were dark and icy and I drove them with caution, slower than normal due to the conditions, and the way the pain made me a spotty kind of blind. I found a spot close to the emergency room entrance and took a few deep breaths of the biting cold air before going inside. The nurse's station was empty and there wasn't a single person in the waiting room behind me.

"Hello?" I called out. "Is anyone here?"

Footsteps echoed in the hallway as a figure moved in closer.

"I'm sorry, we were slow. I told the nurse to take her break. Can I assist you with someth—Bella, is everything okay?"

I recognized Dr. Cullen even though I couldn't make out his features. The floor tilted to the left and I reached out to hold onto the counter.

"I-uh, um. I'm bleeding and I'm pregnant. Um, I'm bleeding," I said, raising my hand to my hair. It clung to my damp forehead and resisted my fingers pushing into it.

"Okay, are you here alone? How did you get here? Nevermind, let's get you to a bed and we'll worry about checking you in, in a minute. Can you walk? Bella, can you walk?"

"Yeah, sure. I can walk."

I let go of the counter and followed him down the hall. He pulled aside a curtain and pointed at the empty bed.

"Please remove your clothes and put on the gown. I'm going to call up to obstetrics and find out if the on-call is in house. I'll be back in just a minute," he said and pulled the curtain behind him as he left.

I undressed folding my clothes in a pile and placing them on the chair beside the bed. The pad wasn't as stained as I thought it might be and I was relieved as I got in under the blankets. A nurse came in and asked me the standard questions, left again, and came back with a bracelet and an IV. Dr. Cullen soon followed.

"Alright, Bella. The on-call isn't actually available at the moment so I'm going to check you out until he arrives. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Now, I don't want you to worry. Bleeding in pregnancy is frightening but can be quite common. The most important thing for you to do right now is try to relax. Can you do that for me?"

"Sure. Yeah. I can relax. I'm okay."

"So tell me, how many weeks are you?"

"Fifteen and a couple days now, I think."

"And your pregnancy has been normal? Any complications?" he asked, flipping through what was likely my medical records.

"Totally normal."

"Previous pregnancies and deliveries, normal?"

"Yes."

"No diagnosis of placenta previa?"

"I don't even know what that is."

"Have you had sexual intercourse recently?"

"What? No! Um, I mean no, I haven't. Could that cause this?"

"Sometimes women experience a streaking of blood following rigorous intercourse, due to increase of blood flow and sensitivity to the cervix. Totally normal."

I didn't care if he was a doctor, discussing "rigorous intercourse" with Edward's father just got weird.

The nurse returned again, wheeling an ultrasound machine around the curtain.

"We're going to just take a quick peek at the baby and the placenta. Could you lie back and lift up the gown please?"

I did as he asked and craned my neck to see the screen but he turned it away from me. He moved the ultrasound wand to a hundred different places, frowning and hitting buttons on the machine.

"Aside from the bleeding have you felt anything else abnormal today?"

"Just a stomach ache, like gas or something? I'm kind of dizzy, but I hate blood so that's what always happens. Can you see anything, is everything alright?"

"I'm just gathering some information for the on-call OB, he should be in shortly."

There was something in his tone of voice that told me what I needed to know.

"Dr. Cullen, please," I said, the words choking in my throat.

He replaced the wand in the holster and rubbed his eyebrows. He didn't want to answer me.

"Bella, is there someone you can call, to be with you?"

"It's the middle of the night."

"Are you sure there isn't anyone I can call for you? Your husband?" he asked and I shook my head. "Possibly…"

I knew what he was thinking, I just couldn't believe he'd say it.

"No, please don't tell him I'm here. He doesn't know I'm pregnant. He doesn't need to know about this, not with…please don't tell him."

"I am bound by HIPPA regulations; I won't discuss your health with anyone without your expressed consent. I just thought maybe—"

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Did he think Edward might be the father? And if he didn't, how could I tell him he wasn't without admitting that I had, in fact, slept with him.

"My husband is out of town, I'll call him, of course but he won't be here right away. I'm scared he'll drive down here at a hundred miles an hour in the middle of the night. He's already so bonded to his baby."

"Of course. I understand your point. I want you to try and rest. I'll have the nurse give you something for the pain and something to help you sleep."

"Will you please tell me what's going on? I know you know something."

"I think it would be better if we waited for the on-call. He'll do a follow up sonogram for verification, as well as observe the labs I'm going to have drawn."

"Verification of what exactly? You want me to rest? I won't rest until I know my baby is okay."

His face gave it away. The cramp in my stomach moved up to grip my heart.

"Dr. Cullen? Is my baby okay?"

"I'm very sorry to tell you this, Bella. It appears your body has begun a spontaneous abortion."

The spots in my eyes clouded over what was left of my vision. I was aware of my heartbeat in my ears and the sting of bile at the back of my tongue.

"What? But I'm out of the woods. I…I don't understand. There has to be a mistake," I said, shaking my head.

"Unless the OB has a drastically different finding, you'll be scheduled for a D & C until later this morning. Hopefully that will give you time for a support person to arrive."

This was so surreal and so fast. One minute changes everything. One freaking minute.

"A D & C? That's when they'll…they go and…what is that?"

"Bella, I know you must be terribly upset. You really need to rest. We're going to move you over to the maternity ward—"

"Don't. Don't put me in there with all the new babies. Is that what they do? When someone is losing their child? They make them do it while everyone else is having theirs? That's so wrong."

My words gave way to tears and I pulled the pillow out from behind my head to press it against my face.

"Shh, it's okay. You can stay here. There's no one else in here. I just thought you might be more comfortable in your own room. You can stay here, if you want."

"I can't go up there. I can't. Why did this happen? What happened?"

"I don't know the why, right now. The procedure may give answers to that. Your doctor will discuss that with you."

"But I'm fifteen weeks. This doesn't just happen at fifteen weeks, does it?"

"It appears, from the measurements I took, the pregnancy had progressed only to twelve weeks and three days. I was unable to find a heartbeat and when I took the measurements it became clear that the fetus had expired."

The bed rotated as though it had formed a tilt-o-whirl axis and I gripped the sides to keep from puddling to the floor.

"You mean…my baby has been dead for…three weeks?" The words weren't even a whisper.

"I'm sorry, yes."

"That was before New Year's. My baby died before New Year's. I carried a dead baby around for three weeks. But I made my peace, I made my peace and he was dead."

"Bella lay down," he said, motioning to the nurse.

She stepped over and pushed a clear fluid into the tubing of the IV. I knew they were giving me something to relax but I didn't believe it could work. Dr. Cullen's firm hands pushed me with a gentle force back onto the pillow. Within seconds a calm rippled through my body.

"I just don't understand, why?"

"Shh, it's okay. I told you, they'll run tests to try and determine the cause of the demise."

I took a deep breath and the exhale came much later. I fought against my eyes' insistence on closing.

"No, not that."

"Then what?" He asked, stepping away from the bed.

The fluorescents above offered sharp clarity to my thoughts. I saw myself sobbing over the news of the pregnancy, Jake's joy, and the girls' cautious questions. I heard the promises I'd made, the ones that fell on dead ears.

"Why? Why would I hold on to something that had been gone for so long? All this time, it makes it so much worse. Why couldn't I have just let him go?"

The words faded before I could finish them and my world was black.

* * *

"Bella, you need to eat." Jake sat a tray in front of me on the bed.

"I'm not hungry."

"That's what you always say. You can't starve yourself, that's not healthy."

I snorted in response and looked out the window.

It'd been one month since the day he arrived at the hospital to find me as one instead of two. One month was all, and he expected me to go on as though it hadn't happened.

"You know I'm upset too. I lost a baby too. You seem to forget that."

Where the fuck was that coming from? And there was no way in hell I was letting him infringe on my grief, my guilt. It belonged to me.

"It wasn't your fault, Jake. You'll never understand that."

"No it wasn't. And it wasn't yours either, when are you going to understand that?"

I shook my head and pulled up the blankets. He didn't get it. He couldn't. He didn't know what I had done. None of it. All the things I'd done to us. The way I'd hated my own child. The way my child had been nourished on my hate and selfishness, the way he died before I made my amends. Fetal suicide.

"Please just give me some time."

"I think maybe you should consider that counselor they told you about at the hospital. I heard there is a support group and—"

"Oh, that's ironic coming from you. So counseling is only appropriate when it's me with the problem, huh?" I said, turning over to glare at him.

"I'm not saying that, Jesus! I'm just thinking, this can't be good for you, you can't just sit here all day and cry, and not at least try and get better."

"Don't even pretend to know what's good for me. You have no fucking clue." I rolled over before I could see his hurt face. I didn't need to add another log onto the fire of shame.

"At least I'm trying. You know, I was thinking I did know what might help. We had talked before all this, about you skipping your conference next month, but I think you should go now. It's not too late and you always come home so happy—"

"No. Fucking. Clue. There is no way, I can't, are you kidding me? No. No. That is the last thing I want. Please. Just leave me alone."

"Belly, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help. I'm sorry."

I reached out and lifted a pillow onto my head and shoved it hard over my ears. I couldn't take any more of his constant apologizing. I wanted to tell him why he wasn't to blame, but I couldn't bring myself to hurt him any more with that truth. It wouldn't make anything better, only worse. I was just glad he had the brain cells to know not to come clean to me right now either.

There was no way I was absolving the weight of our sins on the skin of our dead son.

* * *

**_~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for me not to go almost 3 weeks without updating again~~_**

**Hmmm, reading that back, it sounds a wee bit conceited, lol. I just know via twitter and PMs and some reviews that y'all were getting a little worried about where the update was! I do apologize for it taking so long, lots of real life crap (and some good stuff too) getting in the way of the one thing I truly love to do. This is not a WIP that will never finish, I promise you that. Even if an update is taking longer than normal, it will come. There is no way I could not finish this story after the time and love y'all have put into reading it. **

**So sorry for the heart fail, I think that was one of the reasons I was dragging getting it done. I did not want to write it, it made me too sad. :(**


	29. Lament

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either.**_

**Thank you drunknessie, sugartits, kstewfangirl & agirlreckoning for being patient with me through these toughie chapters. xoxo**

**Thank you so much to all of the wonderful readers and reviewers who left such amazing feedback after the last update. The personal stories shared were just heartbreaking. It's so sad to know how many of you have been in Bella's shoes. I wish no one ever had to live through that kind of pain. I know we're in heavy heart fail mode here, thanks for sticking with it.  
**

* * *

_Instrumental_

_~Lament, Balmorhea_

_(From Merriam-Webster: \la-'ment\ : intransitive verb: to mourn aloud: wail)_

_

* * *

_

_~~EPOV~~_

"I don't understand what the problem is," I said through teeth clenched so tight they threatened to crack.

"The problem is, as I told you, I cannot reveal personal information regarding a guest," she answered and crossed her arms across her chest.

_Fucking bitch._

"Look, all I want to know is if she's here yet. I know what room she usually stays in, it's not like I'm asking for her credit card number. It's easy. Is she here or not?"

"I'm not at liberty to say."

My fist hardened until I felt my sunglasses snap at the bridge. The plastic dug into my hand and I wanted to throw them at her.

I just wanted to know where she was. She hadn't returned my messages; she wasn't signed up for my class. I hadn't considered it until now, but I was scared she wasn't coming at all.

I wheeled away from the counter and pushed past arriving guests until I got to the conference sign-in table. The volunteers looked alarmed as I charged towards them. I slowed way down and tried to smile.

"Hello there, Edward. Is everything okay?" Maria asked.

"Everything's fine, sorry about that. Problem with the reservation desk," I said.

"Well, here's your badge and information, the rest of your materials were mailed to you. I assume you received your class rosters and writing samples?"

"Yeah, sure. I got them. Great. Ummmm…."

"Yes?"

"I was wondering if you could check and let me know if Bella Swan has checked in yet. I, uh, have something for her and needed to get it to her."

Maria frowned and glanced over her check-in list. "I haven't checked her in. Ladies? Did you check in Bella Swan earlier?"

They both shook their heads and I relaxed. She was coming, she just wasn't here yet.

"You know what?" the woman on the far right said, looking at the paper in front of her. "What did you say her name was? I don't think I have her on our list."

They crowded their heads together and I pushed the glasses deeper into my skin.

"Bella Swan. Like the bird. She has to be there," I said.

"Swan...Swan. Nope not there. I know it's not a mistake because I'm not recognizing her name from the registry either. I didn't prepare anything for a Swan. Sorry."

I couldn't answer her. I couldn't do anything but get out the back door, and onto the patio, as fast as I could. It had to be a mistake. She had to be coming. She promised.

I kicked up the dirt amongst the stones as I paced, waiting for her, replaying the little contact we'd had in my mind.

_That I shall say goodnight till it be March_

At Thanksgiving she'd said it, we'd see each other again come March. Where the fuck was she?

I knew something was up. I'd known for awhile. We'd emailed a couple times right after that, she asked about the aftermath of our visit, told me she was sending out her first query, and then bam! Nothing. I told her on Christmas about my class and I waited for her to sign up, checking the registration daily. I refreshed that page so many times I froze my computer more than once.

I messaged her again and she didn't answer. It wasn't until the trial that I got a vague but encouraging thinking-of-you-blah-blah-blah email. The kind you get from an acquaintance, not a lover. It came to my phone while I was sitting at the lawyers' office holding Rose's hand. They were preparing her testimony for the hundredth time and she got better each go round.

In my mind, I knew Bella was keeping her distance because of the trial. She wanted me to be there for Rose. She didn't want to be a distraction but that didn't explain why I'd heard jack shit in the two months since.

The text tone to my phone rang out and I fumbled with my pocket to read the message.

_Any clue where my suitcase is? It's not in the upstairs closet._

Rose_._ She was packing for yet another trip to New York. The trial had lifted the moratorium on the city for her. Rather than turning down business there, she was soliciting it, hard core. She'd even been arguing that we should become a bi-coastal couple and get an apartment there.

_I don't think you ever unpacked it after you got back. Remember? You shoved it under the bed. _

The phone chimed with her response.

_Oh, that's right. Thanks babe!_

I shook my head and pushed at the keys on the phone. I was annoyed by the distraction and ashamed by the annoyance. All I could focus on was one thing. Where was she?

Opening the Facebook app, I scrolled through her page looking for a status like "I'm at the airport!" or "Leaving for a week!" No such luck. Her wall was as empty as it'd been for months. In fact, her last update was sometime in January and it was vague, in a way that wasn't meant for me. I didn't like that.

I dropped to the chair where I waited for her, exactly a year ago. I tapped the phone against my head willing her to appear, even if by magic. Why wouldn't she come? What had changed? What the fuck had happened to Bella?

It was over. She wasn't here. The lights were on in the big dining room. It was filling with attendees ready to eat crappy appetizers and figure out who in the crowd could help their career the most; who was the most worth talking to. I didn't have it in me this year, not without her.

I pushed the phone against my forehead once more and stood to leave. It was dark and I was going to have to make my way around the back. I couldn't walk through there. I looked through the window again and was met with a face on the other side of the glass. The worst possible face I could see.

She glared at me, flat out glared. I stepped back to go and she put a finger up to the man talking to her and moved around him. She was coming for the door and I was scared.

"Hey there, Zafrina. How goes it?" I asked puffing out my chest. I could take her. If I had to.

"Don't you 'hey there' me. Just what is going on here?"

She smacked the back of one hand against the palm of the other. I imagined her with a ruler or a switch and shuddered to myself. I'd bet her kid got away with nothing.

"I don't know. Honestly, I don't," I said.

"Bullshit. What did you do to her?"

"Nothing! I swear, nothing. I don't get it either, okay? I'm just as worried as you are."

She blew her wild hair off her face and rolled her eyes.

"I told you, didn't I? I told you that girl was broken and you didn't listen. Doing whatever you

pleased."

She sounded like she knew more than I did.

"Have you talked to her? Please tell me what is going on?" I pleaded with her.

"She hasn't said a word. All I know is she's worse than she ever was before. You do know you're supposed to leave people better than you found them, right? Didn't your mama, at least, teach you that?"

She took a step towards me and glared again. I wanted to point over her shoulder in mock surprise and then run when she turned to look.

"Zafrina. Listen. I haven't seen or talked to her in months. She was fine last I saw her, better than fine. Whatever is going on, it wasn't me. Now please tell me what you know. Please."

Her eyes narrowed as she took in my begging. Yes I was begging. Sorry fool that I was.

"You look as bad as she does."

"Who?" I said, closing my eyes.

"What do you mean, who?"

"You've seen her? She's here?" The eyes popped back open.

My voice hadn't been that high since middle school. I peered around her shoulder and she shook her head.

"She's not here."

There went that last breath of hope, it dropped to the floor like an empty balloon.

"Oh. I thought you saw her. I didn't…I misunderstood."

"She refused. I tried, but she wouldn't leave the room."

My neck might have snapped at how quickly I looked up.

"But she's here? At the conference? She's in the room? I thought she didn't come. They said she didn't come," I said, reaching out and grabbing her arm.

"Who? Where are you going? I don't think she wants to—"

I didn't hear the last of her words as I ran across the patio and jumped over the low rock wall to jog to her room. Every thought I'd had all day ran through my mind as my feet sunk in the mud of the earth between us. Each step was heavier despite all efforts to move faster toward her.

The lights were on in the cabin and the door unlocked. I didn't knock and looked around confused when the front room was empty. A nagging in my head told me I hadn't understood Zafrina at all, and that horrid game of who's on first we were playing would leave me empty handed.

"Bella?" I asked and took a step towards her bedroom door.

If there was someone on the other side, they didn't make a sound.

"Bluebell? Are you in there?"

My hand moved to the knob and turned. I looked to the bed first, thinking maybe she was asleep. It was untouched, not a single wrinkle across the sheets. The room felt empty and I stepped back, retreating.

That's when I saw it, a slight movement of the figure leaning against the glass of the sliding door. Her head was pressed against it and it was her hand that had moved. It was balled up in a fist and tapping against her leg in a steady rhythm. She was unrecognizable.

My hand went to my shirt, gripping it where my heart pulsed beneath. I wanted to free the quaking organ from my skin and shake it at her, fist full of blood.

"There's mud on the floor," her voice said, dull.

"Fuck the mud. What's going on? They said you weren't here. Zafrina chewed my ass out. I haven't heard from you. Just tell me you're okay."

Her breath fogged the glass as she scoffed and moved her head in neither a nod nor a shake.

"Bella? Just tell me." There went the prepubescent crack again. "If something has changed…if you don't want me here, all you have to do is say so."

_God__,__ please don't fucking say so._

"I wasn't coming. I didn't want to. They made me. Behind my back. Booked the whole thing, drove me to the airport. I nearly thought Renee was going to get a security clearance and walk me to the gate like a prisoner."

She stopped and her fist paused above her thigh, breaking the pattern.

"It wasn't that I didn't want to see you Edward. I didn't want you to see me."

"You're scaring the fucking shit out of me. You know that, right?" I said and dropped the shirt I was still clutching beneath my neck.

When she didn't answer I went to her. I knew she didn't want me to. The air molecules between us were heavy with the distance. She didn't move when I reached for her, made no effort to come to me. I forced her away from the glass and felt her stiffen under my hands.

"Please tell me. Please," I asked, stepping around to face her.

Her eyes were closed and she was crying. Her tears were like a sucker punch from a juice-pumping weight lifter. Everything was black and I wanted to blow chunks.

"Listen to me. If you got what you wanted, if you've figured it all out, if you and him are on and me and you are off…" I said.

"Stop talking. Just stop."

"Well, you have to tell me something then. All I can think—"

"I lost a baby."

Of every random explanation I'd formed in the last two minutes that one didn't cross my mind.

"What? Oh sh—when?" I asked and squeezed her arm where I hadn't dropped my grip.

"Couple months ago. It feels like yesterday and a year ago in the same breath. I can't make sense of time anymore. I can't make sense of anything. I don't know how I let it happen. Any of it. But I did, all of it."

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so, so sorry."

"That's what you say, right? When someone tells you this. You tell them how sorry you are. But are you really? If I were standing here, six months pregnant, would you be happy for me? Because I wouldn't. There was a time when I tricked myself into believing I could be...happy. And then he was gone. He was dead and I was walking around unaware, pretending I was happy. They think I'm still grieving. You know what's worse than grief?"

I shook my head. I didn't know anything worse than this. She had broken from my grasp and was wandering the room, her movements a jerky stutter, like her words.

"Relief. That's what's worse. When I stopped feeling grief I started to feel relief. I'd give anything, anything to go back to grief."

I opened and closed my mouth. I didn't know what to say but she wasn't listening anyway.

"So, I didn't want to come. I was going to avoid you. I didn't know what was worse. Having you know I'd gotten pregnant or having you know I killed my baby. Here I am, telling you everything."

"It wasn't your fault," I said.

They were little words of comfort that offered little comfort.

"Do you know how often I hear that? Jake reminds me every day, like it's supposed to make me feel better. I'd rather him blame me."

I stared at her pacing around the room with the vague notion that she was tip toeing the edge. Her hands trembled as she waved them about. Her eyes darted from place to place like she was avoiding eye contact with inanimate objects. I knew that panic; I'd seen it before, but not on _her_ face.

"Bella," I asked in a learned and measured tone. "When was the last time you slept?"

She waved me off and pulled at the long shirt near her hips. "It's overrated."

"Sleep? No, it isn't. You look like you haven't slept since I saw you last."

"I don't like to dream," she said, shrugging and tugging again. "I'd rather be alone with my thoughts than alone with my dreams."

A puff of air blew her hair away. I now knew why I didn't recognize her. My Bella was full of dreams. They were written on her face with every smile, line, and freckle.

"I'd rather you not be alone," I said, knowing what I had to do.

I pushed open the door she'd been leaning against when I found her and gestured across the black and soggy meadow.

"It's your choice, but there's more space at my cabin. Either way, you're going to sleep."

She sighed and rubbed her forehead, covering her eyes.

"I am really tired of being alone," she said, her resistance crumbling.

"Come on," I said, holding out my hand.

I didn't think she'd take it but after a beat, she did. She weaved her bony fingers with mine until our palms kissed. My heat burned through her cold and she went soft, but not limp, against my side. Al dente Bella.

We moved through the darkness without a sound and she grew heavier with each step. It was as though she'd been waiting to be told she could give in to her weariness, and now she just let go. I thought she might not make it to the porch.

I opened the door with the key from my pocket, turned on a lamp and the heater. Bella blinked from the dim lights and wrapped her arms around her torso.

"I never made it here, I was waiting for you. I'm sorry it's so cold. My shit is still down in the car. I'll go get it in a minute and yours too, if you want," I said.

She shook her head and picked at her lip. "Don't leave yet. Just stay with me awhile."

I know she didn't want me to see her shiver but I couldn't miss how hard it shook her. My hand drifted the nook of her lower back where it fit like a puzzle piece, and I guided her to the bed. She pulled back the blankets and fell to the pillows, closing her eyes. I climbed up next to her, on top of the blankets, and she pressed her nose against my chest.

I wanted to say something, anything that held a resemblance to encouragement. I had nothing.

"Shhh," she murmured like she heard my inner struggle. "Would you still have waited?" Her words were quiet and her breaths heavy.

"Waited for what?" I asked.

She didn't answer.

Resting my head against the headboard, I imagined the hell Bella had lived these last few months. I sorted through the broken phrases of everything she said, twisting and turning each piece until I could see how they fit together. I still felt like I was working at a puzzle without knowing what the big picture was.

She'd gotten pregnant and had a miscarriage. Those were the corner pieces, the edges. The indecipherable middle part was made up of the undertow of guilt she was drowning in. I tipped my chin until my lips found her forehead.

Just one year ago, I'd put her to sleep thinking she couldn't hurt more than she did then. I told her to dream of me, wishing that would somehow offer her the respite she needed from the pain she was living.

Her heartbeat pulsed against my lips, her forehead taught with tension, even in sleep. I kissed her again.

"Don't worry about dreaming. Just sleep, Bluebell. Just sleep."

The frown lines melted at my words as she wheezed in slumber and sank into the mattress. Someday she would dream again, when she was ready.

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**~~I'd love reviews more than you'd love for Bella to find herself again. Okay, maybe not because I want that too.~~**

**Just a note about this chapter's song selection. Sometimes I already know what songs will correspond with what chapters, sometimes I go seek them out and I always manage to find one that seems like the music and lyrics were written just for me. This week, I had such a hard time choosing a song that said what I wanted it to. Then, as it so often happens it seems, inspiration found me. I was at the ACL music festival over the weekend and heard the amazing sounds of an instrumental post-rock band called Balmorhea. This song spoke without words and it really couldn't have been more perfect. If you've never heard of Balmorhea please look them up, everything they've created is beautiful. (As always, link to the chapter song can be found in my profile)**

**Also, TUiB was nominated for a Glosp Award! Seriously y'all, I'm not going to fit through doorways anymore with all these awesome nominations. This time it's up for _Story that Broke Your Heart Again and Again (Saddest Overall)_. Quite fitting at the moment, no? Anyway, head on over to glospawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com to vote!**

**Lastly, I posted my entry for the In the Closet Slash Contest on my profile. I see some of you have already read and reviewed, thank you! If you're into slash, or even if you're not, come check it out! My entry is very femme slash light in my opinion, lol. Very different from TUiB tried doing something a little lighter. Also my amazing beta, agirlreckoning, has posted her entry to her profile as well and is turning it into a multi-chaptered fic! Her very first one in fact :)**

**Thanks again, y'all. Every author must say it but I think I have the best readers in the fandom. :)**


	30. Heavy In Your Arms

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Thank you drunknessie, kstewfangirl, sugartits and theswandive (ie, beta formerly known as agirlreckoning). Y'all are seriously the rock on which I stand. Special thank you to my guest beta this update, wandb, who offered to help get this chapter out to y'all quicker! **

**Mostly, thanks to all y'all. If you reviewed, you've gotten my reply about how I've struggled these past few weeks. Nothing catastrophic or apocalyptic going on, I just needed time to make this chapter right. I didn't want to sell y'all short. Thank you for your patience and I hope the looooonnnngggg break between these last two chapters didn't scare any of you away.**

**Happy Thanksgiving to the Americans! Belated Thanksgiving to the Canadians! And just a big ol' hello to rest of y'all! :)  
**

* * *

_And is it worth the wait_

_All this killing time?_

_Are you strong enough to stand?_

_Protecting both your heart and mine?_

_~~Heavy in Your Arms, Florence and the Machine_

* * *

_~~BPOV~~_

I didn't remember sleeping. I remembered the effort of trying to wake, feeling like a flea climbing from the center of a cotton ball. Each layer was thicker than the last, and I fought to nestle back into the downy white. Time was indistinguishable. I only knew day by the hazy orange lights between cracked eyelids that matched the pallor of my dreams. Night was the quiet stillness interrupted by waking in a jolt, fisting the sheets, gasping for the breaths I'd been without, and his hand on my arm anchoring me back to sleep.

I woke once, confused by the light, which was brought on by neither the warmth of day nor the chill of night but a hollow grayness in between. My eyelids stuck together as I forced them open and struggled to recall where exactly I was. A considerable amount of effort was used to free my tongue from the roof of my mouth, and when I sat up, scratching my head, he was staring at me.

He held papers in his hand, and there was a blue pen sticking out of his mouth that fell to the floor when he looked at me. I didn't know what to say, so I said everything. I started at the beginning and kept going until I'd admitted every emotion, every fear, and poured every ounce of guilt onto the sheets before me. I didn't mince words. I didn't soften the truth to paint myself in a better light. I was more naked before him than I'd ever been. The pen was still on the floor.

He held my hand while I talked and drifted back to sleep. Whatever burst of energy that triggered the release of my transgressions was gone. When I woke again, cloaked in the same grayness and him sitting in the same chair, I'd wondered if I dreamed it all, because surely he wouldn't still be here if I hadn't.

"You're awake," he said, sounding skeptical, as if he didn't believe it either.

I was aware that I smelled and that my hair was matted to my head in such a way it made the roots hurt.

"What time is it?"

"A little after five," he answered, glancing down at his watch. "Are you hungry?"

I shook my head. Hunger was not the word for the emptiness I felt.

"What day is it?" I said and looked to the window.

"Wednesday. You slept for two days."

I breathed a sigh of relief. In my head it had felt so much longer.

"Are you sure you don't want to eat? I saw that you ate that toast I left, but that was hours ago."

"I'd really like to get cleaned up. I feel disgusting."

He jumped from the chair to help me when he saw my feet swing over the bed like he didn't think I could stand on my own. I waved him away and pointed towards the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and tried to feel alive were no towels racks in the cramped space, so I had to settle for my shirt. I sighed and opened the door, looking for a linen closet or shelf. No such luck.

He was gone, but there was a robe on the bed and a fire beginning in the hearth. Looking around the room, I peeled my clothes off and kicked them to the corner. I was surprised they didn't jump up and run there themselves.

"All set," he said, opening the door to the back porch. "Oh good, the fire's picking up. I didn't want you to be cold when you came in."

I couldn't imagine what he meant until I remembered the claw foot tub on the mossy back porch;the bathtub that only existed in fantasies. My bare feet slipped on the dampness of the deck, and his hand came out to steady me. There were bubbles higher than the edge of the porcelain and candles on the porch rails.

Untying the robe, I turned to look at him, but his back was toward me as he went inside. I submerged myself in the water, letting the bubbles close around my face. My skin was cold when I sat up, the evening fog significantly cooler than the temperature of the water. I stared at my upside down reflection in the metal of the faucet while I washed my hair, and the forest grew dark.

Edward came through the back door again, carrying a tray. He pulled a weathered chair over to the side of the tub and set down the plate of food and beading glass of wine. I reached for the wine first.

"Bella, come on. Not on an empty stomach," he said and pointed to the food.

"You brought it."

"For me. I brought you water."

"Since when is wine your drink of choice?" I took a swallow and licked my lips before handing him the glass.

The plate had only crackers, cheese and fruit on it. Thank God I hadn't driven him to cook, or who knew what I would have been eating. I reached for the grapes and savored the way each one popped between my front teeth.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, refilling the glass I'd so greedily gulped from.

"Better." I shrugged. _Better, but compared to what?_

"Sleep does a body good," he said and smiled with sadness.

"More like a mind. My body was fine."

"Everyone is asking about you. I told them you weren't really up to having visitors. Don't worry, I didn't say why. Just that you'd been through a hard time. They understood."

"I feel so bad worrying everyone. I just…I can't…" I looked down, picking up a handful of bubbles and squeezing them away.

"Don't feel bad, it's okay. I also let your lecturers know you wouldn't be attending. You're not really missing much. Renee had no idea what she was doing when she picked the classes for you."

"Jake did it," I said and stretched my arm out over the tub, reaching for the wine in his hand.

"Oh. Well, you were repeating a couple courses from your first year and a couple that you're beyond. You don't need to sit through a week about plot structure."

I balanced the glass on my chest bone and pressed my nose against the coolness. I knew what question was coming next.

"Can I ask? Where are you with your manuscript?"

There it was. The one thing I hadn't admitted to him. I guess yesterday hadn't been a dream after all.

"Um, well nowhere, really."

"I can imagine. I'm not trying to stress you out. I was just wondering if maybe anything had happened, you know, before…"

Before. My life had become defined by a tick on the time line. Before and after. If you could call this after.

I slid down in the tub and let my feet and ankles dangle over the edge.

"Jasper is still interested in seeing it when you're ready."

I pressed my eyes closed and sighed. "I don't think I'll ever be ready. I'm just not sure I can."

"Can what? Query it? Of course you can, Bella. You have to."

"I did submit queries. Before…"

"That's awesome, see? Did you get responses?" He leaned forward in the chair, elbows on knees and face in hands.

"Some. A few 'no thank yous,' some requests for partials, some I never looked at, and a couple that I didn't answer."

"Did you respond to the partials? And why didn't you submit to Jasper? I mean, you can query whomever you want, but I really think he's a good fit for your work. You know he's…"

"Edward, stop. I can't. I can't go there. It takes everything I have just to get up in the morning and face my family. I can't spend any more time on anything else for me. It's not right."

He rubbed his temples and reached for the wine glass. He finished it and poured again before handing it back to me.

"You can't stop writing. You just can't. Don't let one tragedy beget another."

I snorted as I drank. "You are so dramatic. It wouldn't be a tragedy. It just is. Besides, I just don't think I can revisit the material."

He winced. He understood. "Life imitates art?"

"Something like that."

"Bella, you need to use this. Do something productive with all…" his hands gestured around me wildly "…of it. Get it out. It might hurt to go there, but give this to your characters; it'll help you let it go."

I pushed my big toe in and out of the water spigot and considered what he was saying. This could either be therapeutic or the complete opposite.

"The last time you gave me advice you told me not to put so much of myself into my work."

"This is entirely different. You wrote this text before your experience. The plot is not your life. Sure, one of the characters loses a child, but it's not, you know, what you went through. All I'm suggesting is that you revisit her suffering and authenticate her pain with your own."

"Write what you know."

"Exactly," he said, his smile failing when he realized what it meant. "Though I wish you didn't have to know this. If I haven't said it enough , I'm so sorry."

"I know," I said and nodded wishing this didn't have to be my life. "But I'm still not sure I can do it. I think…it might be best for everyone if I gave up on this whole writing thing. I need to focus on my girls, my family. Besides, it doesn't feel right to query Jasper; it's like cheating."

"That's bullshit. It's not cheating. This industry is all about who you know. Why do you think people come to these things? It's not just for the education. It's for the networking and dick sucking. You know Jasper; you have an in. He's the right kind of agent for your work. And believe me, if he is not interested he won't represent you, regardless of us. Period."

I rubbed soap bubbles down my leg. I knew what he meant, but it still felt wrong, like I was taking advantage of what we were doing. I was using the one thing giving me joy and destroying it all to further my own selfish needs.

"You don't think you deserve it, do you?" he asked. His fingers reached across the space between us and caught a drop of water rolling down my cheek.

"Deserve what?"

"Success. Happiness."

"Maybe not," I answered, leaning forward to wrap my arms around my knees.

Edward sighed and moved off the chair. He knelt next to the bathtub and placed his chin on the edge. He took the empty wine glass from my hand and dipped it beneath the surface. A long trail of warm water snaked down my back.

"You could blame me instead, you know. I pursued you when I knew I shouldn't. It's my fault. Blame me. Even if it means you hate me, it's worth it as long as you're happy again."

A tear splashed on my knee. "That's crazy. It's not your fault. I wasn't happy before you. You were the only thing that made me happy at all. There is no 'again' without you."

"But if we'd never met and you'd gotten pregnant, you'd have felt different about it, right? And you think you wouldn't have lost the baby?"

"I wouldn't have felt different. I would have felt just as trapped as I did, as I do."

"So your choices had nothing to do with it. You said it yourself, Bluebell. Listen to your own words. These things just happen. You didn't make it happen any more than I can control the moon," he said, motioning to the sky.

I looked up in the sky and exhaled my hair away from my face. "I'm ready to get out."

He didn't push me any further but stood up and held the robe open. His eyes moved to the ground as I rose from the tub and stepped into the robe. He left me at the door and went back out to drain the water and blow out the candles.

It was warm in the cabin from the fire, and I dug in my suitcase for a clean sleep shirt and thick pair of socks. I reached for my laptop and crossed back to the freshly made bed. The old sheets were wound on the floor with my dirty clothes, Edward must have changed them when I washing was my hair.

Creating a nest of covers and pillows, I opened the screen and turned on the computer I'd ignored for months. Edward came in and set the dishes in the sink. I knew he saw me, but he didn't say a word.

I scrolled through the pages of text until I came to the place I'd felt was lacking. Months ago I'd given up; decided it was as good as it'd get, but I'd been disappointed and annoyed. I couldn't put my finger on what was missing. I knew now exactly what it needed, where I could flavor the story, pepper it with reality.

Edward moved around me, turning on lamps and settling on the couch with his own work. We typed together; the only sound piercing the silence was our fingers on the keys. Despite the hours upon hours of sleep I'd gotten, I surrendered first, pushing the laptop from my legs and falling asleep sitting up.

When I woke, the other half of the bed was cold, and there was a note on top of my laptop that had been placed on the nightstand.

_BB- If it's morning, I swiped a plate of breakfast and left it warming in the oven. If it's afternoon, I've come back and replaced it with lunch. If it's later than that, I'm here so stop reading this. –BH_

I smiled and rubbed the ink with my thumb. It was raised on the grit of the paper and seemed to hum beneath my touch. It was another year and another turn of page for us. Each time we met, everything was different than it was before. The only constant was change.

Drumming my fingernails on the laptop, I considered inspecting the oven, both for the food and a time gauge. The laptop still felt warm from my marathon session the night before.

My stomach flipped and knotted at the thought of writing. In the past few months, I only allowed myself think about it in the early hours of the morning when the girls were sleeping and Jake was snoring. I needed to get my mind off the baby, and I let myself imagine writing again. I had a lot of fears the past few months, but nothing scared me more than thinking I might never do it again.

I hadn't had a single creative thought in my head since I lost him. Stories didn't just spring to my mind while reading the newspaper or coming across a unique old sugar tin at the consignment shop. I didn't hear rifts of conversations I'd never had, by people I'd never met, while I vacuumed or walked the dog. When I passed a stranger on the street, I didn't create a back story inspired by his unusual gate or out-of-place jacket. There was nothing. My imagination was as empty as my womb.

Thinking of it as punishment, I tried to let go. If there was a lesson in all this, I supposed it was that I wasn't meant to be more than Isabella Black, wife and mother. I'd tried to be 'just Bella' and look where it had gotten me. My husband wasn't in love with me any more than I was in love with him. My children clung to me while I cried tears for no specific reason. My baby was taken from me because the infinite knowing could see I wouldn't bond to him. I wouldn't make a choice, so it was made for me.

When Renee brought up the idea of me coming here, I thought she was insane. Of course, she had no way of knowing how preposterous the idea was. Here I was willing to give up the apple I'd taken from the tree, and she polished it and handed it back to me. Not taking no for an answer, she and Jake conspired behind my back and literally forced me on the airplane. Because I'd had no time to prepare to see Edward again, I spent the entire journey wrought with the mere thought of it. I volleyed between wanting to hide the entire week and confessing everything so he could tell me it was over, and we could be done with it. It wasn't what I wanted, but I thought it was what I needed.

Now, I wasn't so sure. It may have been the multiple hours of restful sleep talking, but for the first time, I felt like maybe I'd had it all backwards before. I wouldn't let myself believe that losing the baby was a second chance; there was no way I'd consider the death of my child a silver lining. Last night, when I picked up that computer and forced myself through the pain, I believed I could survive this. Not just live through it, but actually survive.

The screen door yawned, and Edward's head poked through as he looked straight to the bed. He looked as if he'd seen someone he recognized but didn't expect.

"You're up!" he said, startled.

"You're here. Does that mean I slept through breakfast or lunch?"

"You got my note. Just breakfast. I came back with lunch. I guess it's your call."

"What's on the menu?"

"Well there's pancakes in the oven and some sort of pasta dish here," he said and lifted the plate he'd used to cover the food to give it a sniff.

"Which do you want?" I stretched my arms above my head and yawned before stepping out of the bed and walking over to the table.

"Whichever one you don't," he answered, setting both plates on the table.

I surveyed the two choices, poking at the pasta and pulling the plate of pancakes and bacon towards me. Just before I could dig in, he reached across and snagged a piece of the charred meat.

"Do you want the pancakes?" I asked.

"Nope, just wanted that one piece of bacon. Looked good, couldn't help myself," he said, chewing and smiling.

He stood and opened the fridge, taking out a beer and a bottle of juice. Placing the beer in front of him and the juice in front of me, he sat again leaning on the table.

"You know, I am of age."

"What?"

"You keep giving me water and juice and getting beer and shit for yourself. My whistle has been wet before."

"You want a beer with pancakes?" He tipped his chin back and took a long drink.

"Not really. Just making a point."

He wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve, looking puzzled. "How are you feeling?"

"Restless." I couldn't have nailed it down with a two foot wide hammer before, but it was the perfect word for the jumble inside me.

"Did the sleep help?"

"In a lot of ways, yes. But I'm kind of climbing the walls now. Maybe I'll catch the shuttle into town. Get some fresh air and pick up a few things I'm realizing Renee didn't pack."

"No, don't do that."

"Go into town?"

"Don't take the shuttle. No need," he said, leaning forward and digging in his pocket. "Take my car, That way you won't get stuck in town when you're done."

He tossed his keys across the table, and they slid into my plate with a clang. I sat, staring at him as he heaved another bite of pasta into his mouth.

"Are you sure?" I asked, twisting the same forkful of pancakes in syrup over and over.

"What?"

"You're going to let me drive the car that you won't even park in the main lot?"

"I think you can handle it. Especially now that I know you won't fall asleep behind the wheel. I'd take you myself, but I've got a conference call this afternoon with all the H-wood big shots," he said.

"Oh yeah? I can't believe I haven't even asked you about that. I'm sorry. Shit, I feel like a jerk."

"Hey, you were otherwise occupied. It's understandable. Movie stuff is movie stuff. We've come to an agreement on the script, I think. The final-for-now draft is pretty set, and they're moving on to start seriously pursuing their lead role wish list. They've created a buzz to get 'key players' interested in the project. It's all crap they find important that I just don't," he said rolling his eyes. "Of course, Rose loves it all. I damn near think she'd produce the thing if I let her."

"How is Rose doing? I meant to google the trial for the outcome and what not, but then…"

Edward sighed and pushed his plate away. "She's hurting. I knew it wasn't going to be easy for her, but I had no idea."

In my stomach, the pancakes turned to concrete. "I'm so sorry. Oh God, and here I'm being a total nutter when we're supposed to be on vacation from our real lives. Just what you needed, huh? Someone else to take care of."

"Bella, stop. It wasn't like that. It might sound weird, but as much as you scared the fuck out of me, it was almost a relief to at least know what your emotional barometer was. Rose…Rose just put a lid on it all. She pretended everything was fine, and I had to pay attention to all these little clues that showed me where and when she might crack. It was exhausting."

"So, you like that I don't hide my crazy?" I couldn't help but smile. It sounded so screwed up in a way that made sense.

"I like that you don't hide anything from me."

"Rose doesn't look like the kind of person to ever lets the world see her flaws. I guess I'm surprised to hear that guard doesn't come down, even around you."

"Look? Have you seen her?"

"I met her," I admitted, and he choked on his coffee.

"What? When?"

"Forks. A couple days after I saw you. I was walking out to my car in the grocery store parking lot, and there was this tall blonde woman pulling on the handle and swearing at it. She kept hitting the clicker over and over before she realized it was the wrong car. It wasn't until she turned around that I realized who she was."

"What did you say? Did she-"

"Nothing really. I was stunned. I think I smiled. She laughed at herself and muttered something about Subaru wagons and the Northwest, said the girls were cute, and then pointed to a car a few rows over and walked away."

"Why didn't you say anything about it?" he asked with a look I couldn't decipher.

"I don't know. At the time, it unnerved me how close these worlds were to colliding, and then I found out I was pregnant and running into your fiancée suddenly became the furthest thing from my mind."

I knew my tone was biting, but I couldn't stop it.

"Right, I'm sorry. Of course it wasn't important, in comparison. I j was just surprised."

I picked at my cuticles where my hands were gathered in my lap. I recalled, after seeing Rose that day, I had felt envious for the first time. Not of the obvious things like her beauty or the fact that she had Edward all the time. I envied her lightness. I knew what she was going through, only because I was privy to that information, but she carried herself with all the confidence of someone who had everything she wanted and nothing she didn't. Edward might have admired how I wore my heart outside my chest, but I did not.

"Sorry. I'm not trying to be bitchy. It was just weird, you know? I forget sometimes how close our lives really are. We run so parallel to each other," I said.

He glanced at his watch and jumped up. "Oh man, I'm sorry. I have to go. I wish I could just blow it all off and stay with you."

"It's fine, go. I'm going to take a book and read in the park for awhile or something."

"Sounds nice. I'd so much rather be there. The car is in her usual spot. You remember where? Okay good, I'll see you in a few hours," he said, sticking his arms through his jacket .

"Thanks. I'll try and bring her back with only a few more dents."

"Oh you're funny. So much more fun when you're awake." He grinned down at me in the chair.

"That may be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

At that moment, he bent down to kiss my cheek, but I lifted my chin to look at him. He paused, startled, and dipped his head down to take my mouth instead. His lips were chaste, moving softly before he stood to leave again.

After a shower and an annoyed rant at the clothes Renee had packed, I headed to the car in jeans and the only sensible sweater in my luggage. I backed out of the lot with care, driving slower than necessary even though there wasn't another car to be seen, until I pulled past the main house.

Even though I needed to find a store to pick up the items Renee didn't pack and maybe another sweater, all I wanted to do was just sit outside and just breathe for awhile. I drove through town until I saw a café with tables outside. Finding a parking space was more difficult than I imagined, and I had to walk several neighborhood blocks to get back there.

I placed my order and found an empty table in the front. It was a sunny but cool spring in Monterey. No sooner was my coffee delivered and my book cracked, when the table rattled with a very pregnant, very annoyed person falling into the chair beside it.

Alice.

It took a second to register, but it was Alice. Edward's sister was sitting across from me, and she did not look happy.

"I planned on standing and staring you down, but the fact of the matter is my feet hurt, and I'm out of breath from trying to keep up with you," she said before reaching across the table and drinking from my water glass.

_Staring me down? How should I respond to that?_

"I was dropping Jas off for his meeting with Edward, and I saw the car. I thought maybe he'd forgotten the conference call. Or that it was being stolen. Never in a million years did I think he was letting you drive it."

"Um, I wanted to come to town, and the resort shuttle is sort of unreliable. He was kind enough to offer," I said with a slight stutter, shrugging my shoulders.

"Surely you know that no one drives that car but him? No one. Not even his fiancée." She put the emphasis where I was sure not to miss it.

"Wow, then it was really nice of him. I'll be sure to thank him again."

Alice's arms were crossed, resting on her middle, and she tapped her fingers against her arm while she sized me up.

"What are you up to?" she asked after a beat.

"Grabbing a coffee. Reading," I said, waving the book at her. "How about you?"

"Cute, Bella. You know what I mean. I don't get you. I don't get where you came from or why you're here."

Her glare was working my last nerve.

"Well, I came for a writing conference. I flew on an airplane from Forks. You know Forks, right? Why exactly are you here?" I said.

"Not that it's any of your business, but Jasper and I are taking a little babymoon. We're staying at a bed and breakfast here in town before his usual Saturday agent meet and greet."

I looked at her belly with neither sadness nor envy. "When are you due?"

"June 4th. And don't be nice. And for heaven's sake stop acting so coy. We're all pretty tired of how stupid you both think the rest of us are." She motioned to the waiter and pointed at my cup of coffee.

"I don't think anyone is stupid. I barely know you," I said, reaching to take a drink to stop myself from talking. Was she saying Rose knew? Could Rose know?

"Please. Ever since he met you, my brother has been completely out of character in regards to you and this conference. At least Rose hasn't noticed, but then again she hasn't had the privilege of seeing you two in action, has she?"

I remembered the way he looked at me at the nursing home last year; his smile hidden behind his hand as leaned forward on the chair in front of him, always watching me. Alice was there. She saw. She gave me the cold shoulder then and a full blown blizzard now.

I didn't know whether I should deny her accusations and be a liar or come clean as an adulterer. I doubted either would be the response she was looking for.

"Alice, I think this is a conversation you should have with Edward. We don't know each other, and this is, well, weird."

"You're lucky Rose is doing so well now. If the trial hadn't turned out like it did, if she hadn't been a pillar of strength to survive everything she's gone through…" her eyes fixed on me with intensity "…then I don't know what I'd do right now. Because you would so be the last thing she needed to deal with."

"Alice. Take a second here. I've known your brother for a couple years now. If I was trying to get in the way, don't you think I would have already? I'm glad to hear Rose is well. You can paint me as the villain if you want, but I was honestly worried about her. I Still am."

Alice rolled her eyes and dumped four packets of sugar into the coffee that had been set before her.

"Oh that's rich, you worrying about Rose. You have a funny way of showing it. I have never seen her so happy, no thanks to you. I don't know what Edward has told you. I'm sure he's said more than he should, but she is in a better place than she's ever been. There's been a real change in her. It's remarkable."

Alice's story didn't sound consistent with what Edward had told me. I played over this morning's conversation, and the way his frown lines deepened when he talked about her being on the verge of despair. One of them had it all wrong, and my bet was on the hormonal tornado still sitting at my table, despite saying she pretty much hated me.

"Well, that's fantastic. Listen, I'm going to go. I need some things in town, and this has been…awkward."

Stuffing my book in my bag, I stood to leave. Alice took a long drink from her cup and watched me over the brim. She waved me off like a fly that landed at her table rather than the other way around.

"Fine, leave. Something tells me this isn't the last I'll see of you. Until then," she said.

I left her there, stewing in anger and seriously hoped she didn't have the ability to predict the future.

* * *

**_~~Instead of asking for reviews this go round I'm just going to thank you for the ones you've given. In the spirit of the holiday!~~_**

**I wanted to let y'all know about the trailer I made for this fic after last chapter. I tweeted the link but for those non-twitter folk and anyone else who missed it you can find it here: www( . )youtube( . )com( / )watch?v=hyd1DHfRY4I **

**Would love to know what y'all think!**


	31. I and Love and You

_**The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **_

**Asante sana, drunknessie, Sugartits, Kstewfangirl & theswandive. Y'all are the best, I couldn't do this without you.**

**I'd originally planned to give y'all this update as a little Christmas gift. You know what they say about the best laid plans. Did y'all know January 24th is National Compliment Day? Happy National Compliment Day! Go out and give and receive compliments graciously! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**_**  
**_

* * *

_When at first I learned to speak_

_I used all my words to fight_

_With him and her and you and me_

_Ahh, but it's such a waste of time_

_Yeah it's such a waste of time_

_~~I and Love and You, The Avett Brothers_

_

* * *

_

_~~EPOV~~_

"I thought that would never end. Did we even need to be on the line? They just talked to each other the entire time."

"It did seem rather pointless, didn't it?" Jasper said, before taking off his hat and pushing his fingers through his hair.

We'd just come out of a small conference room and off a call with two of the film producers. He and I had spent most of the time staring at each other and rolling our eyes as the bigwigs volleyed back and forth, consulting each other's opinions, and stroking each other's dicks.

"Thanks for sitting in there with me, man. I know this kind of goes outside the normal realms of your job description, but I swear I zone out on those calls. It's good to have another pair of ears I can trust," I said, leading him towards the bar.

"Yeah, well when one of your best-selling authors is having his book made into a box office hit, you'd be kind of a dumb ass not to go along for the ride. Plus this kind of shit is listed under the 'j' of said job description. Other duties as necessary."

"Here I am thinking you're a dumb ass for climbing up on this beast. I'm all for them wanting to keep the script as close to the text as possible, keep the fans happy, yadda yadda yadda, but fuck, can't they figure that shit out without me? I already wrote the damn thing."

Jasper laughed again and ordered our drinks from the same ponytail sporting bartender that was always here.

"Hey, Cullen! My best customer. Where you been all week? And where's that hot little slice you're always with?"

I glared at him without answering and Jasper cleared his throat, pretending he hadn't heard.

"Keeping her to yourself, are you? Not that I can blame you. If I had a sexy piece of ass like that I wouldn't let her see the light of day either."

"James is it?" I asked and he nodded. "James, I'm only going to tell you this once. Shut your damn mouth before I shut it for you."

I picked up my drink and walked away from the bar to a table in the back. Jasper followed and let me get a good swallow in before speaking.

"I was wondering about Bella myself. I presume that was her work you sent me poorly disguised as your own?"

I winced before I answered. "Couldn't pull one fast one could I?"

"Yeah, no. I opened it up thinking you were sending me over some revisions. It had the depth of the new manuscript but…"

"It's about ten fucking times better?"

"Different. I knew it wasn't yours a page in. What I didn't know was why on god's green earth you were sending it to me, rather than letting Bella query it the proper way? Unless you're so desperate to leave the vampire franchise behind, you're willing to commit plagiarism." Jasper crossed his arms over his chest and waited for my answer.

"Fuck no. I wasn't stealing it. I knew if she queried you, she'd get lost in your reader's pile. She might make it to the top of your 'to be read' list but she doesn't have that kind of time, Jazz. It was now or never. You in or you out?"

"What the hell is going on? Is she dying or something?"

"No, thank fuck. But she's gone through something terrible; she's just not at a place where she could deal with more rejection. I knew this was just the kind of piece you were looking for. I figured if I could get you hooked, it'd build her up so she knew she could do this."

He threw his hat on the table and leaned back in his chair. "This is completely unethical, you know that right? I have a stack a mile high, authors who have taken the time to do this the right way, not gotten their….not just…fuck, Edward."

I played with my drink letting the ice gather on top of each other, and then fall off again before shaking my head.

"You should see her, you wouldn't even recognize her. She's the walking wounded. But at least she's walking now."

"What happened to her?" His voice softened and he leaned forward on the table.

"Not my place to say, brother. I'll tell you what. I'll come clean with her. Admit what I did. If you're serious, and you want to represent her, I'll get her to query with the full. I'll back out of this deal and you guys can figure it out. But I'm telling you something, if you want her, you better make it happen before the week's end. Because once she's home, she'll be gone again."

Jasper listened with a face I couldn't read and nodded again. "You about done?" he asked.

"Yeah, let's go," I said, signing the slip of paper on our tab before heading for the door.

"Any chance you can give me a ride back to the B&B? Alice is probably sawing logs."

"Ummm," I stammered, buying time. "I think so. I have to check and see if she's back."

"Who, Bella?"

"Yeah, she has my car."

"You let her drive your car?"

I didn't answer him as I watched Bella appear in the Volvo. She spotted us and turned towards the front entrance rather than going around back. Her hair was clipped up, the sadness in her eyes obscured by sunglasses, but she had a flush to her cheeks, one that she'd been missing.

"Speak of the devil," I said, as she stepped out of the driver's seat and handed me the keys.

"Sorry, I hope I wasn't gone too long. My mom packed me like I was headed for the tropics rather than a foggy peninsula. Hey Jasper, how are you?" she said, not stopping her movements while she spoke.

"Very well, it's nice to see you again. Edward has just offered to give me a ride back to my hotel in town, seeing as how I'm sure my wife is taking one of her long afternoon naps." He smiled at Bella but rather than matching him, her lips twitched with nerves.

She gathered her bags out of the backseat before thanking me like a stranger that had held the door open for her, and hurried up the hill to the cabin. Just as she faded from view another car pulled up behind us.

"Speak of the devil." Jasper echoed me and laughed as he went to greet his wife. He opened the door and called over the roof of the car. "We'll talk more tomorrow. In the meantime, do your thing and fill my inbox."

Alice stepped out of the car and walked around the front to get in the passenger side. I opened the door for her as she waddled toward me like an angry penguin.

"You and I need to talk," she said as she brushed past taking the door to fall into the seat.

"So talk," I said, pretending all five feet of her didn't scare me.

She didn't answer, just slammed the door closed and Jasper shrugged before pulling away. It wasn't just that they'd arrived moments apart, I knew Alice had seen Bella in town. Maybe even talked to her. I knew now why Bella was so jumpy, and I knew I needed to get up that hill as fast as I could and find out what the fuck happened.

When I opened the door, a little out of breath and even more worried about her, she was sitting on the couch an open beer in each hand. She looked out the window as she lifted an arm to me and I took the beer.

"I figured she was right behind me," she said and took a drink.

"What? Did she follow you around all day? What the hell?"

"No, not all day. She followed me when I left here. Accosted me at a coffee shop. I didn't see her after that but I just had a feeling she'd show up here at the same time."

"Accosted? What did she say?"

Bella sighed and scooted down on the couch so she could tilt her head back and close her eyes.

"Nothing she didn't have a right to, I guess. But I told her she needed to talk to you about it, not me. Why does everyone always blame the other woman? Why is the guy never at fault?"

I wasn't sure if she was asking me or herself.

"She didn't have a right to ask you anything, Bella. Look, my sister is a Class A busy body. It's none of her damn business what I do with my life. Just forget anything she said to you. I'll take care of it."

"Edward, don't be pissing off your sister on my account. I'm fine. Really. It actually wasn't as bad as it could have been. But one thing's for sure. This bubble we've imagined ourselves in is just as transparent as the real thing."

Her head rolled to the side so she could look at me. I seethed a little at Alice's audacity.

"What?" I asked through my teeth

"You're cute when you're angry," she said.

And with that it was gone. I didn't care about Alice, or what she said or what she thought. My time with Bella was too short to let the outside world inside our door.

"You're cute. All the time."

I saw the first real smile I'd seen all week. I dropped on the couch beside her, matching my head on the pillows and turning my face to hers. Still grinning.

"You make me smile," she whispered.

"I'm not even trying."

"You might break my face if you did." She moved closer. By a centimeter.

"I like that face."

Her smile grew as I took her cheek in my hand. I was willing to say anything as long as that smile would stay. She licked her lips and tucked her chin. I didn't move.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Kiss me."

I was also willing to _do_ anything to make that smile stay.

* * *

When Jasper didn't answer the phone in his room Friday afternoon, I decided to head on up and stuff the envelope of hand written revisions under the door. After a final shove, I stood to leave when the door opened and Alice stopped me.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I rang the room, Jasper said he needed these right away."

"I had it on privacy block. I was reading. Didn't you get his message?"

"What message?"

"At the lodge, that he was going—oh, never mind." She squatted to pick the envelope off the floor.

"Can I come in?"

She shot me a look and pushed the door open a centimeter more before retreating inside. I squeezed through the crack she'd left and shut the door behind me. The room was large with a bed against the far wall and a sitting area in a bay window overlooking the ocean. Alice headed for the wicker lounge chair and settled underneath a wool blanket, knocking a thickly bound manuscript to the floor.

"What do you want?"

"To see my sister?"

She snorted and drank from a mug as steam curled around her eyes, softening the daggers she was throwing at me.

"I know you saw Bella." It seemed like a fair opening.

"I imagined you would. Sure didn't take her long to run home and tell you."

"It wasn't like that and you know it. None of this is your business but I need you to lay off Bella. She's had a hard go of things lately and your vitriol of piss and vinegar is unnecessary."

"Entirely on the contrary, dear brother. Regardless of what _Bella's_ been through, need I remind you that you have a fiancée? Or do you experience selective amnesia upon stepping foot in the Monterey county line?"

"Alice. Stop. This is my life. Don't prattle on about shit you don't know shit about. Makes you look like an idiot. "

"Excuse me? Where exactly do you get off? How is this not my business? Rose is going to be my sister. My family. Unless you've decided you're going to cast her off now that something better has come along?"

"You don't know me and Rose like you think you do. You don't know what she…..how we….our situation. Think what you want. Just leave Bella alone." I stood to leave wondering when she'd become so impossible. I remembered a time when I could tell Alice anything.

"Do you love her?"

I was still. "I'm not going to answer that."

I'd never said it to Bella; I certainly wasn't going to let Alice hear it first.

"I can't decide what's worse, the idea of you being in love with her or the thought of you sticking your dick in the first willing hole."

"It's not like that Alice, not at all. You have no idea, no idea." I sank back to the chair and dropped my head to my hands.

I could hear a clock in the distance tick by a minute, maybe two. Her voice was softer when she spoke again.

"You know I didn't like the idea of you and Rose in the beginning. I made no bones about it."

I nodded but couldn't say anything. It was true. When I told Alice we were dating she didn't hide her concerns.

"I thought you were taking on another one of your 'projects' at Emmett's expense. You told me to give it a chance and I did. And yes, while I wouldn't have picked Rose for you, I've accepted her. I love her. And now that's she better—"

"I know where you're going with this. And you couldn't be more wrong. I'm not leaving Rose in her moment of need."

"Her moment of need has passed, Edward. She slayed her dragon and she's all the better for it. Everyone can see that but you. Or maybe now you will since you have a new baby bird to nurse in a shoebox." She titled her head to the side and drummed her fingernails in that way she did whenever she acted superior.

"You have no fucking clue, Alice. None. I'm not rescuing Bella. She's rescued me. I was spinning my wheels in quicksand with the vampire saga, too fucking scared to try anything. She inspired me to write the new novel; she is the reason I am proud of it. Proud of myself." I yelled at her louder than was necessary, grabbing the envelope I'd brought, and shook it in the air.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Please. The little Washingtonian housewife, escaping to the coast to dabble in a hobby, has encouraged a best- selling author to create his 'most ambitious work yet?' Per Jasper, as he hasn't let me so much as glance at it."

I paused to choose my words carefully. I glanced around as though the furniture might offer an inspired change of subject and my eyes landed on the stack of bound paper lying on the carpet. I recognized the title even upside down.

"Is that what you were reading?" I asked, motioning to the floor.

Alice nodded. "Yes, I haven't been able to put it down, this is my second time through. Jasper has been bouncing around like a six-year-old on pixie sticks since he got it. That's where he went, over to the conference to ask the author to dinner to finalize his representation.

I snorted to myself. "So it's good then? You like it?"

"Oh, get over yourself. You authors are so competitive. It's entirely different than anything you've ever written but it is quite possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever read. I begged Jasper to take me to the dinner. I have to meet the mind that created this. I'm just…there are no words…" Alice's eyes filled with tears as she pressed a hand to her heart.

I snorted again and pushed off my knees to standing, before shaking my head and walking to the door.

"Have to meet the author, huh? Well, you already did. But you treated her like an adulterous whore. Good luck winning her over now."

I flung the door open and slammed it shut behind me. I'd be damned if she was going to get the last word.

* * *

"I don't think I can do this," Bella said and dropped my hand before taking several steps backwards.

I'd expected her feet to turn to ice right about now. Despite Jasper's insistence that they could meet without Alice, Bella knew that if she ever had any chance of smoothing it over with Alice, she couldn't exclude her. I thought Alice might have backed out of the dinner after learning who had penned her new favorite novel, but no such luck. I imagined Jasper and I were both pulling two very stubborn bulls toward the barn, but mine was digging in its heels while his was trying to break free.

"She's been sworn to be on her best behavior. And if she isn't, I'll lift her by her ankle boots and drag her out myself."

"I don't understand why she'd even want to come," she said and took my hand again.

Alice surprised me, showing up after the final lecture I gave this afternoon. The hall was packed with standing room only in the back, and the lodge was going on about fire codes and exits and no one offering to leave. It was obvious there were more people there than had signed up for the talk. That point was proven when security had to usher out about seven swooning intruders who not only weren't scheduled for the lecture, they didn't even attend the conference. I was encouraged to skip the meet and greet after because everyone was concerned about the ability to control the crowd. Jasper looked grim the entire time while my publicist, Senna, sorted out an agreeable alternative.

In the middle of it all I was ushered to a conference room and Alice turned up, not exactly apologetic but as close as she could get.

"I'm hormonal," was her opening. "But the fact of the matter is, you're my brother, Rose isn't. You're where my loyalties lie. I don't have to like the choices you make but I'll support you. Sort of like that Mohawk you sported in the eleventh grade."

It was her attempt at a joke and I laughed.

"But I am going to retain my right as your older sister to nag you and offer advice you didn't ask for. You can't keep going on like this. It's not fair to anyone, even you. You can't have them both, Edward. If it's Bella, it's Bella. But you have to tell Rose."

"I can't have her. That's what you don't understand. She isn't trying to intervene in my relationship with Rose because she isn't mine to keep."

"No, brother, that's what _you_ don't understand. You have to tell Rose regardless of whether you can have Bella, because Bella has you."

I shook my head as I heard her words again and squeezed Bella's hand. "It'll be fine, Bluebell. Don't forget what you're here for. Jasper wants to agent your book. You should be fucking giddy right now."

Bella responded with a tight smile but she gave in and walked in the door with me, dropping my hand at the threshold. We were shown to the table where Jasper and Alice were already waiting. Jasper jumped up to hug and welcome Bella, and Alice frowned into her virgin daiquiri, probably wishing for mass quantities of liquor, before glancing up and saying hello.

I supposed to any onlooker we seemed like normal people out on a double date. The complexities of the relationships at the table were not inherently obvious. I had to hand it to Jasper, he did a kick-ass job keeping the atmosphere celebratory. He launched into his dazzling sales pitch, giving Bella all the reasons why he thought he should be the agent to shop her novel.

She'd done her homework too. She asked questions that never occurred to me my first time out of the gate. She had a better understanding of the publishing process than I expected and I was impressed. Alice didn't say much but she was polite which was better than not. I tried to keep myself out of the conversation, wanting this to be her choice, not influenced by my opinion.

I wanted more than anything for Jasper to represent Bella. I knew she could trust him and above all else, I knew he had the right contacts and relationships for this to be sold and sold big. He was being careful not to be too optimistic with her, but I knew him well enough to know he thought he was sitting on his next meal ticket. It was all about the proposal and who got it when.

Bella had gone quiet and was pushing the food around her plate while Jasper waited. We all knew she had a question but it was like she didn't trust herself to ask. I reached beneath the table and found her knee, giving it one reassuring squeeze. She bounced her leg in my hand as a response and took a deep breath.

"But isn't it cheating? Aren't we all sitting here because Edward wants me to be? This doesn't seem fair somehow." Her voice was breathy and each third word shook a little.

Alice's mouth opened to speak but Jasper came first.

"I'll be dead honest with you because that's just the kind of agent I am. Is it happening a little faster for you because of who you know? Sure it is. But does that kind of thing happen all the time? Absolutely. It's actually noble that you set yourself up for a long process of queries and rejections, but don't punish a good offer just because you made the right friends."

Alice coughed at the word 'friends' and reached for her drink. Bella didn't miss it and stared at her for a minute. There was the kind of silence between them that happened with women. Where they spoke to each other without saying a word.

She leaned toward Bella and managed to smile in a way that wasn't menacing. "Your book deserves the best agent and the best publishing house, and the best editor and the best reviews. It was the most stunning piece of fiction I've read in years. You would be an absolute fool to turn Jasper down on account of guilt."

Bella's eyes watered a little as she thanked Alice. She turned back to Jasper and nodded.

"You heard the lady, I'd be a fool," she said and reached across for the contracts Jasper had brought. She tucked them under her purse to review later. "Not that there's anything in here I don't think I'll agree to, seeing as how you've explained it's a standard contract, same as Edward or anyone else."

"Of course, take all the time you need. Scratch that, I'm a liar. Get that back to me as soon as possible, because I've already begun planting some seeds with some very notable editors. It won't be long 'til they want me to make good on those vegetables." Jasper grinned and clinked my beer with his across the table.

"Now that you're done talking shop, can I ask you something?" Alice said, her voice dropping low and making us all shift with nerves.

I almost wished Bella would say no. Fuck if I knew what in the world Alice wanted to ask.

"I've always been fascinated by where writers get inspired for their stories. After Maggie's daughter had died, that scene in the bathtub was just…haunting. The blame, the guilt she felt even though it so obviously wasn't her fault. It just, it killed me. I've never been in her shoes, thank god, but I was in that moment. I was Maggie. How did you get yourself in that place to write something so believable?"

It was the worst thing she could have said and she wasn't even trying. I think Bella would have reacted better if she'd ask her how she had time to write when she was so busy being a home wrecker. Anything would have been better than asking her why she could pen the depths of shame a mother feels when her child is taken from her.

Her tears came quietly and she lifted her napkin to obscure them but I could see how she was folding in on herself. Alice's brow knitted in confusion and Jasper leaned into her ear. He only knew that something had been going on with Bella but I think he was snapping the pieces into place.

Bella shook her hair off her shoulders a few seconds later, and with great effort, lifted her shoulders to sit tall.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gotten so emotional there. Just a big night. In so many ways. It's not something that I particularly want to talk about, and won't publicly. Just so you know for future, hopefully future, interviews, Mr. Agent Man."

Jasper managed a chuckle and I squeezed her leg again beneath the table.

"Thank you for your praise, it does mean a lot, Alice. That scene is particularly important to me. I lost a baby a couple months ago, I was due just a few days after you." She stopped and glanced across the table at the swollen belly not three feet from her.

Alice's hand went to her stomach and then her mouth, and she waited for Bella to continue.

"I was given some very sage advice to take the pain I felt and give it to Maggie. It was easy to relate to her guilt, after the burden I'd carried for what I'd done to my family."

Her breath wasn't as shaky as it was before, for that I was proud of her.

"So, that's it. I suppose I need to come up with something a little less intimate for those said interviews." She laughed and dabbed at her eyes again as Alice made no attempt to hide the tears rolling down her face.

Bella hadn't admitted anything and Alice hadn't asked her to. She hadn't apologized either but in some strange way I could see that Alice had accepted one.

Jasper handled the check before I could object, murmuring something about expenditures and we all stood to make our way to the door. We each hugged in turn, the final one between Alice and Bella. Jasper took Bella by the arm to lead her to my car and I hung back a moment to help Alice with her coat.

"I'm not giving you my blessing or anything. I'm not that fucked up, even if you are" she said, fluffing out her hair around the collar of her coat.

"I'm not asking you to. I don't know if there's a blessing to give."

She linked her arm through mine as we took tiny steps across the damp parking lot.

"You didn't answer me before, when I asked if you love her. Maybe you haven't answered yourself yet, but you need to. It's time you both came clean."

I deposited my sister in her husband's car and embarked on a quiet drive back to the hotel. Bella stared out the window, but for the first time it seemed like she was looking beyond the cliff's edge, not just at the bottom of it.

Bella took the contract into bed with her, reading in the glow of the lamp on the night table, with a highlighter poking out between her lips. She'd stop to make a notation or a quick circle, and a few times she asked me what one thing meant or another. I pretended I was answering emails but I was just using the distraction to watch her.

When she finally yawned and put it beside her on the table I took that as my cue to turn off the lights and get into bed. We assumed the position we'd taken most nights. Bella turned on her side, clutching a pillow with me tucked behind her, knee to knee, face to neck. My arm came around and squeezed between her and the mattress, pulling her in closer. I took a long inhale as we settled into sleep. It would be the last breath of her for awhile. Tomorrow she'd be gone again.

Just as my body was reaching that final heavy stage, where I couldn't have opened my eyes if you'd forced me too, I felt her tuck into my lap with more force than before. I kissed her neck softly to steady her, but she wiggled again causing my grip beneath her to loosen, and my hand to catch her breast.

Her breath sucked down fast and she moved her hand on mine to keep it there before I could pull away. She ground her ass a little harder on my dick.

"Bluebell, what do you think you're doing there?"

"Please," was all she said and rolled over to face me, sliding a leg between my knees.

Her eyes were wet, not like she'd been crying but like she might if I told her no. I didn't want to tell her no.

"Edward, please," she whimpered.

I took her bottom lip in my mouth and sucked. All the rationales I had for putting a stop to this were gone the moment she looked at me.

"I just want to feel something. Something inside me. Something other than pain."

I kissed her again and her hands moved to my hair, and then down across my nipples. I groaned when she pinched them, and louder when she traced them with her fingertips. Clothes were pushed aside or abandoned all together as we lay side by side, touching, stroking, and calling out the passion we'd had to ignore in the wake of her tragedy.

I nipped at her neck and she moaned a little, but when I brought my lips to that perfect round tit and took the tip into my mouth, she cried out and a single tear splashed on her chest. I looked at her to stop, but she shook her head and I moved my tongue slowly, taking my time sucking at her breast. Her nipples were larger than before, wider, still expecting a life that wasn't coming. I reminded them of the purpose they had served first, pleasure.

Her hand was cold when she wrapped it around my dick and it jumped back, shrunk a little. It only took a minute of her fast and furious pumps before it sprang forward again, begging her for more. She turned herself toward me, sliding me between her hips and I lifted up on one elbow, gripping her knee with the other hand. I watched her face as she passed the tip of my cock against the wetness of her pussy, using herself as lubrication. I shuddered when she swirled me against her and then pushed me inside, skin to skin.

"Bella," I gasped a little. "I need, I need, a condom."

She rocked her hips and suddenly I didn't care anymore.

"I've an IUD, and a clean bill of health. You?"

"The same," I groaned as my eyes closed.

_Incredible. She felt incredible. _

"You have an IUD, huh? I can't imagine where they'd put it," she said and laughed.

_My Bluebell laughed. _

I opened my eyes to watch her face as I moved inside her. And for a moment there it was again, that face, so full of dreams.

She smiled at me and I grinned back. I wasn't going to fuck her. I wasn't even going to try. It wasn't what she needed from me, this time. But I guessed, maybe it was.

I grabbed her ass, tilting it higher so that each thrust touched the place that made her weaker beneath me. By the time I reached a frenzied pace, she was screaming out and clamping down so hard on me that I came grunting and panting like a caveman, while our fluids mixed inside her.

"That was unbelievable," she wheezed beneath the weight of me.

I pushed to roll off her but her grip tightened in more places than one.

"Not yet, just stay a minute."

I stroked her face and kissed her neck while she cried beneath me. I knew I didn't have to ask. She wasn't sad but they weren't happy tears either, they just were.

When I woke the next morning the room was cool and Bella was gone. I panicked for a moment, sitting up and pushing the blankets aside like she was hiding in them somehow. I caught sight of her out the kitchen window and fell back on the pillows relieved. She was taking a bath. Just a bath. She wasn't gone yet.

I showered before I stepped out on the porch, and she was shoulder deep in the water, hugging her knees. She smiled as I approached and I touched the freckles on her back, reached in the water and brought the washcloth up to drain a small trail of water down her skin.

"That feels good," she said, talking in her knees. "If I could, I'd hoist this bathtub back to Forks with me. Who knew I could find such healing in cast iron and water."

I smiled and brought more water to her bare back, as she turned over her shoulder and looked at me.

"Can't give all the credit to a plumbing fixture though," she whispered. "But still, I wanted to go home with this water in my skin."

"I'll be in Seattle in a couple months. This summer. Will you come? For the weekend? I need to see you again." I didn't ask so much as pleaded.

She played with water in her hand, cupping it and letting it fall back to the surface between her fingers.

"I want to say yes. But I think we both know I shouldn't. I need to go home and take stock. I need help, therapy maybe. Get a book published. Whatever. But it's time…"

"To come clean?" I said rubbing the cloth against her back again.

"I don't know. I can't keep living the way I am but I can't keep hurting everyone either. And with you—"

"There's only one of me to hurt. I understand."

She lifted another handful of water but turned it over letting it fall back all at once rather than slowly drop by drop.

"I didn't mean it that way. Jake's just not at that place, I can't do this to him now. It sounds demented, but I feel like I have to help him heal before I can break him again."

"I'm not asking you do to do anything. Your choices are your own. It doesn't change how I feel about you."

_Time to come clean._

"I love you, Bella."

She sighed and rested her chin on the edge of the tub.

"You're breaking my heart," she said.

"Why?"

"Because the next thing you'll have to tell me is goodbye."

"Guess I think it's better to get the breaking done all at once."

"Masochist," she said, but with a smile.

She reached out to me, smoothing a wayward strand of hair from my forehead, dripping her bath water on my jeans.

"I love you too," she finally answered before submerging completely in the water. A final baptism to carry her home. Clean.

* * *

**_Thank you all for you love of this story and for your patience with its author. _**

**_I have contributed a piece for the Fandom Against Domestic Violence fundraiser. It's a sneak peek at the first chapter of my the fic I'll publish when TUiB is completed. If you'd like to be among the first to read it, please head over to http(:)(/)(/)fandomagainstdomesticviolence(.)blogspot(.)com and make a donation to this important cause. :)  
_**


	32. You Are a Tourist

**____****The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **

******I'll include more in the AN at the bottom. Y'all have waited long enough.**____

* * *

_Cause when you find yourself a villain _

_In the story you have written_

_It's plain to see_

_That sometimes the best intentions_

_Are in need of redemptions_

_Would you agree?_

_~~You Are a Tourist, Death Cab for Cutie_

* * *

_~~BPOV~~_

_Spring_

"Tell me about your father."

It was my third appointment with Sasha, the psychotherapist I had found online by googling "grief counseling," and the beginning of the third hour I had spent with said counselor who had yet to ask me about my grief.

"Is there some reason you don't want to talk about your father?" she asked when I didn't answer.

"I'm just confused. You asked me on the phone why I was interested in therapy and I explained how I'd lost a baby and was upset and all. So I…."

"Yes?"

"I just don't get why we've talked about everything but losing my baby."

"Well Bella, your loss is all I know about. I can't understand why you were crippled with guilt from that loss until I understand more about you. Would you like to talk about the baby?"

_Not really. _

"Okay."

She shifted in her seat, waiting. I thought she'd just ask a question and I could answer it like a form at the doctor's office. History of Diabetes…no. Cancer…no. Heart disease…you could call it that.

I swallowed the layer of grit I'd made between my clenched teeth. I was sure that the heat had kicked on because it felt about ten degrees warmer in the cramped room. My sweater was itchy and the rivulets of sweat seeping down my back and into my jeans made me feel like I'd wet my pants.

"I changed my mind. I can't."

She didn't answer but narrowed her eyes in a concerned stare.

"So, Charlie is my dad. He's great. Fine. Real man's man. Not that he didn't want a daughter. I mean I don't know, maybe he didn't. He sort of treated me like a son, fishing and stuff. But that's fine, I'm sort of a tomboy I guess. You know. Whatever."

Somebody needed to turn down the damn heat. It was like they were trying to sweat the truth out of us.

"So yeah. I didn't see him a ton when I was a kid, we lived in Phoenix, I told you that .But when I did see him and all, it was great. Then I moved here in high school, got married and that's that."

"Bella, you don't want to talk about your dad." She pressed her lips together in an encouraging smile and I couldn't help but stare at the pronounced worry line between her brows.

"I seriously don't care. There's nothing there, it doesn't bother me."

"Well that's not entirely true, but that's not what I meant. What's on your mind?"

_Edward_.

"Nothing."

Long drawn out silence again. Since I was paying this woman by the minute I should probably use them all.

"Edward," I admitted after the second hand beat sixty times around the clock behind my head. I counted each one.

"Edward? Is that what you named your baby?"

_Ouch_.

"No, Edward is…he's…um…"

I didn't know if I imagined it or not but I swore she sat up straighter. I hadn't realized I'd been boring her until now.

If there was a way to describe Edward I wouldn't need to be here right now. When people in your life were easy to categorize you didn't get as fucked in the head as me.

"Edward is sort of complicated."

"What is the nature of your relationship with him?" She asked like she knew.

I shrugged and smiled. She raised her brows and waited. Guess she was the only one in the room that got away with non-verbal communication.

"For the last three years of my life I've thought about him pretty much every fifteen seconds*."

There, I said it. I sat back and let the words hang in the air so I could see them. It was the truth, it was how I'd arrived here. Somewhere along the way, he'd become my everything.

She nodded several times, crossed and uncrossed her legs. With that one sentence she knew exactly why I was there.

It was raining after the hour was up. I stood in the drizzle a minute too long before I noticed and fumbled with the hood of my coat. As I turned toward the street, I felt as though I might float away with each step but also simultaneously sink into the sidewalk as well. There was a heaviness that came with lightening my burden.

Talking about him made it real. Therein was my relief. But what was real was also terrifying. I couldn't be scared of something I was pretending didn't exist.

The streetlights came on above, giving the sidewalk a shiny orange glow, kind of the way my dreams looked when sunlight was resting on my eyelids. I slid into my car and waited for the heater to pick up, rubbing my hands together while I people-watched. For a rainy Friday afternoon there were a lot of bodies on the streets of Port Angeles. It seemed like the tourist season had come ahead of schedule.

I blew into my hands and noticed a woman crossing the street as she sashayed in front of oncoming traffic without even a pause. I shook my head when she went into one of the trendier and expensive boutiques that had been popping up in downtown Port A.

Just when I put the car in gear and moved from the curb, I saw the door to the same shop open and Jake come out. My Jake. My foot moved to the brake and I turned the wipers up wishing they could do better to push away the persistent fog clouding my view.

At first I thought I was mistaken, but he paused beneath the awning, pushing something in his pocket before zipping up his jacket and turning to jog down an alley between the shops. It was him. I knew his run as much as I knew his face. I'd been watching him run for a long time now.

* * *

_Summer_

"Are you sitting down?"

"Technically yes, I'm driving to get the girls from school. What's going on?"

Despite the excitement in his voice I could only let myself think it was bad news. Edward's face flashed across my mind.

"Pull over," Jasper said.

"What?"

"I'm serious. Pull over and put the car in park."

I motioned to the right and glanced over my shoulder. "You do know you're scaring me to straight down to the nucleolus right?"

"Are you in park?" He asked, his voice rising higher.

"Yes, sheesh. What's going on?"

"Bella, this is it - what we've been waiting for. For a minute there I was afraid I'd advised you wrong when we passed on the offer from Turnbow Press, but I just knew in my gut that it wasn't enough. But when Focus and Jarglass came up with far less—"

"Spit it out, Jazz! You're freaking me out here. What is it?"

"The big show, Bells. The big show. I know I told you I thought it'd be a smaller publisher since you're a first time author, but I was wrong. We just got an offer from a major house. _A six-figure- two-book- offer_!"

If my foot had been on the gas it would have pressed all the way down. As it was, I jumped so high in my seat I banged my head on the roof of my car.

"Are you serious? You wouldn't tease me with something like this, right? A major house? Which house? Six figures, what does that mean? Oh my god I know what that means-"

My book. My little tiny book was actually going to be a book and not a collection of printed words on home bound pages. A real book with my picture on the back that real people would buy in a real store.

"Bella, are you listening to me?" Jasper interrupted my daze.

"Yeah, I'm trying. I mean, I am, but I'm finding it a bit hard to concentrate. Jasper, you're amazing! Never in my wildest dreams, seriously!"

"Oh, I know, hon. I wouldn't have ever told you to expect this. Not that I didn't think you deserved it but this kind of an offer for an unknown just doesn't happen anymore. The editor called me on a whim after a scramble to fill a hole in their roster, and your novel is exactly what they were looking for. And they're really excited about your future work. It was just one of those things. Kismet."

Fate, it certainly was.

"And I'm so glad you're not letting it bother you that it's Edward's publisher. He had nothing to do with it, I assure you."

"Wait, what?"

_Edward's publisher? I must have missed that during my swooning._

"Listen to me, this is an entirely different editor, totally different genre. I've known Chelsea since Elizabeth signed with her years ago, that's why she came to me. This isn't an Edward thing."

"Yeah, no, I get it. I'm just processing. What next?"

"You get your buns sitting across from me a-sap so we can go over the proposal and contracts and get this deal done. Congratulations, kiddo, you did it!" His smile was audible.

"I sold my book? For real?"

"Now comes the fun part," he said and laughed. "No use scaring you yet, though. When can you be here?"

"Let me talk to Jake. Friday?"

"Friday should work, doll, tell me for sure and I'll arrange it with Chelsea. Now go celebrate!"

I dropped the phone in my lap and squealed for a solid ten minutes before I realized I was way late in getting the girls. I blabbered to myself the entire way to school and I hoped anyone that passed me figured I was on a Bluetooth.

I kept repeating to myself over and over again not to get too excited. This was just the first step in a long process and by no means did it guarantee success. But as soon as the words were out of my mouth I'd break into a huge grin and start squealing again.

It wasn't until I got to the school did I realize that I had let myself be happy about this without one single feeling of remorse or guilt about the baby, or Edward, or Jake, or any of it. I was allowing myself the happiness I deserved and not just because Jasper told me to celebrate but because I wanted to celebrate. I _earned_ the right to celebrate. This had nothing to do with any of them, this was my accomplishment. I nearly called Sasha right then and there because I was pretty sure she'd call that a breakthrough.

Sarah, although curious to my obvious good mood, was skeptical to how having a book in a store was interesting much less exciting. Charlotte lost interest when I answered that, no, there wouldn't be any pictures in it, but yes, if there were, she could draw them. And Jake…well the conversation with Jake lasted all of five minutes.

"So, I heard from Jasper today." _(_Me, trying to hide my shit-eating grin and stifling the need to spontaneously burst into a jig every time I thought about it, in an effort to build up suspense_._)

"Oh yeah? Cool." (Him, trying to hide that he was glancing over my shoulder at the baseball game in the other room, in an effort to pretend he was listening.)

"Yeah. And I have some news..." (Me, again with the nonchalant suspense building.)

"About time. What'd he say? Tell you to give it up because no one's biting? Shit! Damn it, he just threw a perfect hit. Home run. They've lost this game now." (Him, no bother now in pretending.)

"Um no, but thanks for the vote of confidence. Actually, the opposite, it sold."

Waiting, waiting, and there it was, a modicum of curiosity.

"Oh really? How much?"

He blinked, three times fast, at the sum. I couldn't have cared if they'd offered me a dollar, their acceptance was enough for me - something he just did not get.

"When do you get the money?"

"I don't know. I'm supposed to go to Seattle to meet with Jasper and review the offer and all. I told him maybe...Friday?" My teeth tightened as the words slid out behind my falling smile.

"Yeah, okay. Damn it, Suzuki! Get it together. I can't believe he dropped that ball. Did you see that?" He stood and brushed past me to turn up the volume.

I waited a minute, leaning against the sink. Surely this couldn't be all he had to say. I shook my head and reached for the sponge.

"Good job, Bella! I'm so proud of you, what an amazing accomplishment. I've been saving something for just this moment, a little trinket I picked up in that snotty ass shop you saw me in that doesn't have a thing in it that costs less than our mortgage payment. But you know what? You're worth it!" I muttered to myself as I wiped down the crumbs from the counters.

"What's that?" he asked.

_Sure, now he hears me_.

"Talking to myself," I said before throwing the sponge in the sink and walking to the bedroom.

I shut the door and lay on the bed wrinkling my nose at his smell rising from the sheets. I'd waited for weeks after that day in Port Angeles, wondering what exactly he'd put in his pocket after leaving that store.

Random gift buying on a rainy Spring day, months ahead of our anniversary or my birthday, not to mention Christmas, was totally out of character for him. I had let myself believe that maybe it was something for no reason other than to show he cared. But now I knew whatever he had put in his pocket that day, was something to show someone else how much he cared. I hoped she liked it.

The ceiling turned gray from dusk, casting shadows across half my face. A trace of daylight stayed across my eyes forcing me to try and focus through the dark. I knew I should get up and get the girls ready for bed but I couldn't be bothered. Lying here alone was abbetter choice than what I wanted to do, call the one person who would be as happy for me as I was.

I took out my phone and tapped it against my chest. It'd be so easy to just shoot off a quick text, too easy to fall into a pattern of him becoming a part of my daily life with just one little text. It was a slippery slope and I wasn't wearing the right shoes.

"Belly?" The door opened and Jake popped his head through the crack.

"Yeah?"

"I was thinking, why don't I go to Seattle with you? Make a weekend out of it? Get someone to watch the girls. We could celebrate and all. It's actually pretty cool, my wife—a real author."

The final sliver of light retreated from my face, slid down the bed and out the window. I dropped the phone and squeezed my eyes shut before sitting up to meet Jake's face.

"Sure, that sounds nice," I said.

The smile he returned was genuine and I tried to muster up the excitement I should feel. I knew it was wrong to be disappointed by his offer. There was a part of me that was looking forward to a trip to the city alone. The same part that relished in my writing world being complete outside my home world. I wasn't sure I was ready for the two to meet, knowing they would most likely not spin in orbit together.

* * *

Standing in front of the swanky downtown hotel I had to admit, Jake outdid himself. I could tip my head all the way back to try and count the stories but I'd rather watch the expensive cars pull in, somehow shiny and sleek even in the ever present rain. In the slacks and blouse I kept in the back of my closet for when I needed to look like an adult, I felt a bit like our rusty Subaru trying to blend in with a crowd of high-gloss Mercedes. I pressed my damp palms into the wrinkles at my waist before starting up the steps after Jake.

"This place is a little insane, Jake. Last time we were in the city together we stayed at the motor lodge by the airport. Are you sure we can afford this?"

Jake laughed and tucked his arm under mine. "It just so happens I've got myself a rich sugar mama. She's loaded, fancy novelist and all that."

His fingers tickled at my waist while a blush crept up my neck. He had been in a good mood ever since the meeting at Jasper's. Thankfully he'd stayed in the lobby, my worlds only crossing when Jasper came out and shook his hand in congratulations. Jake had enough class to wait until we were in the elevator to ask about the deal and he was high on the green ever since.

"Sugar mama? I think that's a stretch but yeah it will be nice not to have play eenie-miney-mo with the bills. That is if this room isn't emptying us out clean." I motioned around the lobby that could have held the entire town of Forks just by the reception desk.

"Nope, none of that. I've got it covered," he said and patted his back pocket like it might hold a stash of cash I knew nothing about.

Jake approached the toothy girl behind the desk who couldn't hide that she was checking him out while checking him in. She tipped her chin and smiled up at him, running her tongue along edge of her teeth. Jake smiled back, obviously flattered by her display but made no effort to flirt back, heaven knows why. In fact, Leah was quite toothy herself. When she smiled it was more of a warning that her shiny wolf teeth were ready to bite.

I looked in the mirror above the table where I was standing and pulled my lips back mimicking the plastic stretchers in a dentist office or like I was checking for spinach. All the way back.

Small, non-descript, and free of spinach at least. I made a face at myself and rearranged my mouth again. He could have all the toothy bitches he wanted. I had Edward.

My skin flushed for a moment as a memory of him sliding his teeth across my breast snuck before my eyes. Jake smiled at her again and motioned to me. I put Edward in the back where he belonged and focused my attention on Jake.

* * *

"Mmmmm, oh my god, that's so good. Oh my god, more, please more!"

"Shhh, Bella!" Jake laughed and looked around. "Someone will hear you."

"Just shut up and put it in my mouth." Being tipsy made me bossy.

He blushed at the hidden meaning I most certainly didn't mean and lifted the fork. I closed my lips around the warm decadent chocolate before the sauce could dribble down my chin, again.

It was just after ten and we'd spent the last couple hours out of place in a tragically hip and expensive restaurant. Another surprise Jake had arranged, and one bite of my starter, made the prices fall right out of my head.

Jake leaned back in his chair and watched me swoon over the dessert. He looked amused, contented, and like he was looking at someone he was just getting to know. It was nice to see him at ease, the pain and tension of the previous months were on vacation while we were too.

"Is that bottle empty?" I motioned to the champagne and Jake nodded. "Can't we get another?"

"Belly, I paid the check like ten minutes ago. You were too busy scraping the plate to notice."

Actually I had noticed. I noticed that he paid for the elaborate meal in cash. Either the champagne or the food-high made me not care enough to wonder.

"Well shit, I wasn't ready for the night to be over."

"Who said it was?" he asked, standing up and offering me his hand.

We clambered in the back of a cab and I wondered where he was taking me. I'd been wined, dined but we all knew what comes next wasn't coming next. Not that I wanted it to. With him anyway.

He gave the name of the hotel and put his arm around me, sliding me closer across the seat. His touch was friendly, non-erotic and chaste. I relaxed and smiled up at him. We hadn't had this much fun together in well, I couldn't remember how long. The city rolled along outside the window. The rain had stopped.

"Here we are," Jake said, fumbling with more cash for the driver.

He got out and opened the door for me. I followed him to the elevator but to my surprise he bypassed the button for our floor and pushed the roof top terrace bar. The doors opened to a sort of fairy land, lit by thousands of twinkling white lights wrapped around everything and suspended above our heads like stars we could actually touch.

The bar was more of a lounge, half inside, half outside with lots of low sofas and chairs scattered about in intimate little arrangements, candles glowing on every table. It was busy but the crowd was emanating an energetic buzz rather than a loud raucous. A stage in the corner showed a band setting up, testing their instruments with the entire Seattle sky line as a backdrop.

"You like?" Jake whispered in my ear, nudging my hair away with his nose.

"It's gorgeous! But so crowded, I'm not sure we'll get a table."

"I called ahead, Belly. There was some conference in the hotel so they warned me it would be busy. I made a reservation for two."

The two gave me pause. It sounded so intimate, so together. Everything we weren't. We were led to a table to the side of the small dance floor by the stage. The first chords were being played but no one seemed to notice. A waitress stopped at our table with another bottle of champagne and was gone again.

"Is this what it's like to have money, Jake? You always get a table even when it's packed and things you wanted, but didn't even have a chance to ask for, just appear out of nowhere? If so, I'll take it." I gulped at the cold, tart drink and surveyed the crowd.

Jake laughed again resting his arm across the back of the low love seat. His fingers tickled my bare shoulder as he played with the ends of my hair. The hairs on the back of my arm stood up but it wasn't from his touch. I tucked my head and glanced toward the dark bar. I couldn't see anything but my eyes kept pulling in that direction, searching in the dark.

"I just wanted to make sure you had a good time. I'm proud of you. You deserve something special."

His words were sincere and held the weight of promise. I looked into the eyes of my husband. They were open and deep, loyal and kind. The kind of eyes that made me think maybe, just maybe this could all work. Maybe I could stay with Jake knowing that we would never be anything but who we were. Friends, parents, partners. I could forgive and forget all the rest and keep Edward as my secret, my escape. As long as it all kept me writing, kept me happy. I'd gotten this far, if I overturned the canoe now, where would I be but floundering in the water?

The music turned to a song I'd heard before and the band did a decent job covering it. The floor in front of us was littered with people talking, some swaying to the music. My tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth and I needed something stronger to talk me into, or maybe out of, what I was thinking.

"Jake, do you see the waitress? I think I want a mixed drink. I'm getting a little queasy on all the bubbly."

We both looked around for our server and my gaze stopped on the dark back corner of the bar again. She wasn't there.

"No, I'll go up, what do you want? Gin and tonic?" he offered.

I grimaced and shook my head. Why he would think that was my drink was beyond me.

"I'm not exactly sure. I'll go, can I get you anything?" I realized that I'd been the one imbibing all night, he'd barely touched he champagne.

"Actually, a beer would be great. Something normal? No IPAs, or god forbid, anything with apricot or some other fruit in it. I have a tab with our room number."

I weaved through the now bouncing and bobbing crowd, giving a false uncomfortable laugh as one man grabbed my hands and pulled me into a dance. I shrugged him off gently and motioned to the bar but he pulled me back into a spin and dip before letting me go. I shot Jake a helpless look on my way down but he just chuckled. I moved a little to the music as I made my way, enjoying how my white dress swished across my thighs and how carefree I felt.

When I made it out of the group without anymore impromptu dances with strangers, I smiled at the bartender as I leaned my elbows on the bar and surveying what they had on tap for Jake.

"Anything else?" he asked.

"Still thinking. Not sure what I want." I said thumbing through a cocktail menu. I glanced in the corner and there were several people there with their backs to me, talking, laughing.

"Take your time."

I made my selection and walked the drinks back to Jake, thankful the crowd had quieted and the path was clear. Couples joined on the floor as a melancholy slow song began. I set the drinks down but Jake stood and pulled me to the floor.

"Dance with me?" he asked already pulling me into his chest, one hand in mine the other arm around my waist.

He shifted his feet slowly like we were on a Lazy Susan turning on the chin was in my hair and he stopped to kiss the top of my head. Even in heels, he was so tall, my face didn't clear his shoulder. Just my eyes peeked out above his muscled back.

By the time the singer started we had turned all the way around, so I was facing the bar and the back corner that had been luring me all night. I lifted my eyes as though I'd heard my name just at the moment he sparked the lighter to his cigarette.

He wasn't watching the flame coming towards his mouth. He was watching me. He'd been watching me. He'd seen everything.

* * *

**_*this line is partially borrowed from a wonderful song, Worried About, by Lissie. I would have used the song for the chapter but it wasn't a right fit even though this line was perfect for Bella. _**

**Hey y'all! First off I want to thank anyone reading this and sticking with my story. Thank you for the tweets, PMs, reviews that gently nudged, encouraged, and generally reminded me that y'all still cared. It would have been easier to give up on this story without knowing y'all were waiting. **

**Not that I wanted to give up, believe me. When my updates started getting further apart I promised y'all the story would finish and I'm holding to that promise. But this last year grabbed a hold of me and would not let go. I've dealt with major issues and minor issues and when I did find time to sit down and write there was just nothing left to give. I'm doing okay, I don't mean to alarm you I just want y'all to know the lack of updating was for a real reason. **

**For obvious reasons, I chose not to do review replies before updating like I usually do, I figured y'all wanted the chapter more than my little note of thanks! So this is a huge thank you to everyone who took the time to read and/or review. **

**Love to the usual suspects, my pre-readers: katdaddyshiner, kstewfangirl, sugartits and my beta, theswandive. You know I could not have done this without y'all. Not in a million years!**

**Lastly, there are about four or five chapters to this story, for y'all that wondered. They are planned and outlined and I am working on them. I can't tell you how quickly they'll come but know they are on the way. xoxoxoxoxo**


	33. Sometime Around Midnight

**__****The characters and story of Twilight lived in Stephenie Meyer's head long before I came along and read it. They belong to her. This story however, has lived in my head long before you read it and it belongs to me. I don't intend any copyright infringement and you better not either. **

**Many thanks to the usual suspects and to all y'all still reading, rec'ing and reviewing. I'm still getting new readers and for a story that started a long time ago and updates randomly, I really appreciate that! I'm sure none of y'all are tired of hearing about infidelity so without further ado...**

* * *

_And there's a change,_

_in your emotions_

_And all these memories come rushing_

_like feral waves to your mind_

_Of the curl of your bodies, _

_like two perfect circles entwined_

_~~Sometime Around Midnight, The Airborne Toxic Event_

* * *

_Summer_

_~~EPOV~~_

I couldn't stop myself from seeing Bella. The faces in front of me were nothing but lumps of flesh-colored silly putty and yet, one would come into focus and be her. But not. I knew she wasn't there but I obviously wanted her to be.

I stumbled through the conclusion of my presentation to a rousing applause that still had the ability to startle me no matter how many times I was in front of a crowd. From then on out, it was smiles, handshakes, camera flashes and a few quick signatures in book jackets. My tie was undone and my shirt untucked before the elevator doors closed. I pushed the button for the eleventh floor and leaned back against the mirrored wall.

My phone had buzzed in my pocket no less than twenty times. Calls, texts, emails that couldn't be ignored despite how desperately I wanted to right now. The ARCs for the new book had just landed in reviewers' and journalists' hot little hands and the interview requests were rolling in. I thought I'd be glad to talk about something other than Masen; I'd grown tired of that sick fuck. I should have been dancing jigs down the hotel corridor, happy they cared at all. But the thought of talking about it, actually sitting down and discussing the plot, the characters, the inspiration, left me with a pain in my gut that made me think I was going to shit or puke. Or both.

It was Bella. When was it not Bella? It'd been a long time since I'd been this close to her, even if we were a couple hundred miles apart. Being in the same state as her left me feeling her presence like she was in the next room.

I wanted a cigarette. My phone buzzed again, a physical reminder of the annoyance under my skin.

"Hey, Rose"

"Hi. Listen, I'm leaving on the red-eye to New York tonight. Just an FYI."

"Right, okay. How long will you be gone this time?" I asked, putting a cigarette in my mouth. If anything called for a nicotine fix, it was Rose.

"Not sure. I'll have my office keep you updated. Gotta go, haven't packed and the car service will be here in an hour."

The line dropped off and I tossed the phone on the bed. In vain, I tried pushing the buttons through the holes on my shirt. Either my thumbs were too big or the buttons were, but I finally gave up and pulled it over my head.

"Hi, is this room service? Yeah? I can't find the menu, can I just get a burger? With cheese. Yeah, everything on it."

I hung up and tapped the cigarette I'd been holding on the nightstand. I preferred the days when you could order your room, or your table for that matter, in the smoking section. Back when they built hotels with balconies, or in the very least, windows that opened more than two inches and everyone wasn't afraid of getting sued by some dumbass who managed to fall out of them.

The windows here didn't open at all. Just floor to ceiling tinted glass that I could see out of and no one else could see in. I pressed my nose to the glass and looked all eleven floors down. It was no wonder I couldn't feel grounded with my feet so high above the earth.

On the desk, my laptop hummed to life. I sighed and turned knowing I couldn't put off answering those emails for much longer. There were the ones I was expecting, Jasper, then my publicist, next my editor, and one from my mom trying to keep us all updated on the comings and goings of the family. I couldn't care less what my second cousins were doing. I talked to Jasper more than I'd like to sometimes, and I was pretty sure I knew what Emmett was up to. Thanks but no thanks, Mom.

A facebook alert notified me of activity on Bella's page. Like the stalker I'd already established I was, I had notifications set up to let me know if she even breathed near her account.

_Bella Swan Black checked in at Hotel..._

I stood fast, knocking the chair back on the floor, and read it again. I wasn't hallucinating, Bella was in this hotel. The very hotel in which my bare feet were currently clutching the ground as not to fall over.

How the fuck could this be? Why was she here? Why didn't she tell me?

I wanted to run through the halls doing my best Marlon Brando_, __Bellllllaaaaaa, _or knock on every door until she answered. I wanted to call her and beg her to come to my room so I could throw her up against that glass window and fuck her for all the world not to see.

I paced a few more times in the circle I'd worn in the carpet, working my hands through my hair. I went back to the post and clicked on it.

She wasn't alone.

Jake had tagged her at the hotel with a status: _Celebrating the sale of Belly's book. High rollin' and shit. Let's get this party __started!_

I didn't know where to start with that sentence. Bella was in the same hotel as my conference, the conference I'd asked her to come to months ago, and she didn't tell me. Her book sold, and she didn't tell me. Jake was an ingrate, and she didn't have to tell me that.

Until now, I thought there was nothing worse than not having her here. Now I knew better. There was always something worse. I needed the fuck out of this room.

I shoved my feet into my old black Vans, my arms into a jacket, and the still unlit cigarette in my mouth. I grabbed the rest of the pack and with some hesitation, my phone. The elevator doors opened as soon as I called for them and I climbed in to ride it all the way to the top.

"Edward!" I heard a voice call as I stepped onto the rooftop terrace. "You decided to join us after all?"

It was Amun, one of the organizers. His wife, Kebi, glittered at his side. She gave me a look that needed no explanation. He shook my hand and she leaned in for that Eurotrash air kiss thing.

"Edward, so glad you could come. I was hoping to find you here," she said, close to my ear as she trailed her fingers across my forearm.

"Wouldn't miss it," I lied. "Would you two excuse me for a moment, there's someone I need to talk to."

I pushed through the throng, returning the waves, smiles and nods. A the end of the bar I found what I was looking for. A lone stool in the back where I could get by unnoticed.

"Jameson. Double," I said to the bartender.

No sooner was it poured than it was down my throat.

"Another. Please."

She glanced at me and refilled the glass without a word. I sipped it slower this time and lit the cigarette that had been begging for reprieve.

"You aren't supposed to smoke by the bar," she said.

"I'm not supposed to do a lot of things."

She didn't answer, just shook her head and went back to stacking clean glasses.

I nursed the second drink until I could feel the edges around me blur. Familiar faces melted together and irrelevant conversations surrounded me. I leaned my head back letting the numbness wash over me.

From my perch, I watched the dance floor sway with already drunk bodies waiting for the music they'd been promised to begin. So far there was nothing but the stray chords of individual instruments warming up for a set. Amun and Kebi joined a table of conference goers, Kebi's sharp eyes darting through the crowd, searching. Her face became jello as I swallowed the last of my drink and motioned for another.

Before I could raise the glass to my mouth again, she came sharply into focus.

Bella. Her hair long and wavy, the wisps curling by her ear. That white dress hugging her body, blowing in the breeze. The negative space at the bottom of her neck where I have touched, kissed, buried my face when I was so deep inside her.

Jake's hand was on the small of her back, possessive and owning; leading her to where he wanted her to go. An intimate table, a bottle of champagne. This was him getting the "party started" with my Bella. Except here, she was _his_ Bella.

I bit at the bile pooling between my molars knowing she couldn't see. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't drink. I could barely acknowledge the people who approached, laughing and talking, blocking my view to her. She glanced to me twice but there was no recognition of the shadows in her sight.

He played with her hair, leaned in close and made her laugh. She stood up and came toward the bar. Kebi and Amun encircled me and he was going on and on about a conference in Massachusetts. I tried to see through him to her. They moved on just in time for Jake to pull Bella onto the dance floor. The band began to play and he twirled her around, his back to me, her face to me.

I reached for another cigarette, my eyes fixated on the scene. I sparked my lighter and brought it to the tip when her eyes crossed my gaze. The dim light of a Zippo was enough for her to finally see.

She didn't drop them back behind his shoulder, the way a child would after they'd been caught. But there was nothing I could read in her expression, most of her face hidden behind him. As the song came to a close, Jake spun her around and buried her face with his. I lost her eyes and my self-restraint. I wanted to burst out of my skin like a werewolf, angry and growling, menacing him to the ground with nothing but a snarl.

Instead I threw a few bills on the bar and pushed through the crowd, ignoring their calls, their light-hearted banter. The elevator was not on my side this time and I pushed the button again and again for nothing.

"Come on," I said with a growl before turning for the stairs.

The door was heavy as it slammed shut behind me and without thinking I took the steps tw0 at a time until my chest was heaving. I burst out on the street, panting and sweating. Without knowing where I was going, I walked. Hands shoved in pockets, head down not inviting anyone to talk to me. I walked until my shoes rubbed a blister on my bare feet, until my lungs might have exploded from all the oxygen and lack of nicotine. I stopped when the sidewalk reached the ocean. My only option left was to swim to get free.

I pulled out my phone and hit Jasper's speed dial button. I realized it was late just after he answered, sounding of sleep and irritation.

"What the fuck, Edward?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?" he asked and whispered to Alice to go back to sleep. He was quiet a moment before a door shut behind him. "What are you talking about?"

"Bella."

"Edward, I can't discuss the details of an author's deal, you know that."

"I don't give a shit about her deal. Why didn't you tell me she was here? In Seattle? In _my _hotel?"

"I wasn't aware you owned it now, good for you," he said in that laughing Jasper way.

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you back. You just woke me up in the middle of the night, angry that I didn't disclose personal information about a client to you? I told you when I took Bella on that she didn't get special treatment and neither do you."

"You could have told me she was here, Jas. A simple heads up, a 'hey, by the way watch out that you don't stumble on Bella and her husband mid make out, that might suck,' know what I mean?"

He exhaled, long and slow and didn't say anything.

"Look, whatever the fuck this is between you two, what it _isn't_, is seventh grade. I'm not gonna be the go between you two passing notes and trading information. You're adults. Figure this out for yourselves. Leave me out of it."

I opened my mouth, to yell, to scream. But the dead air stopped me. The bastard had hung upon me.

"GRRRRAHHHH" I yelled in the night air ready to chuck my phone at the sea. The buzz stopped me.

_Where are you? Can we talk?_

My fingers shook as I typed out the reply.

_Went for a walk. I'll text you when I'm back at the hotel, ok?_

_I'll wait in the __lobby, s_he replied within seconds.

_Too many people, go in the conference room at the end of the main hall on the right._

For all the hours I walked it must have been in circles because I was only a half a mile or so from the hotel. I was relieved she wasn't in the lobby when I saw a group of colleagues congregating at the piano bar.

The room was dark when I opened the doors. She was standing in a row of chairs facing me, backlit by the only light in the room near the stage. She didn't move toward me and I couldn't bring myself to move to her. We were counting on the rows of invisible bodies to keep us apart. I leaned forward, gripping the back of a chair and dropped my head.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"For what?" I asked. "Living your life?"

"That you had to see it."

"I never thought I would. Not like this."

"I'd ask what you're doing here but I remembered after I saw you. This is the conference, isn't it? The one you asked me to?"

I nodded.

"But how did you know I was here, or did you? Before you saw me?"

"I saw the tag on Facebook. I knew you were here. I didn't know you were at the bar. How did you get away from Jake?"

She winced at the way I'd said his name. The bitterness I'd never shown before was making up for lost time.

"He's asleep. I said I had a headache after you left. I took a bath, he fell asleep. I waited to hear from you. I debated on sending that text." Her shoulders dropped and she tucked her chin into her chest. "I thought you were mad at me."

I squeezed the back of the chair so hard I could have bent the frame.

"I'm not mad at you, Bluebell. I'm mad at this," I said, waving my arm around. "All of this. That it has to be this way at all. I wanted to be here with you, and you're here with him. You're waking up in his arms. Not mine."

"Edward, I-"

"Let me finish. I feel like if I don't say this now I never will. Seeing you with him, it changed something. I just spent god knows how long walking all over Seattle trying to put things right in my head. All I know is, you and me apart, it's not right."

"What are you saying?" she asked before dropping into a chair.

"I'm saying that I want you. I want all of you, all the time."

The sound from her throat was somewhere between a sigh and a sob.

"And what if I can't give you that? What if I'm not ready?"

"If I can't have you now, I can wait. If I can't have you forever, then this will have to be enough. Because I'd rather have you like this than not at all. But I'll never stop wanting you."

"I'm...I'm just...confused. We've never talked about this. Our week, our one week. It was enough, wasn't it?"

"I've never felt like this about anyone, ever. I'm fucking dying over this, can't you see that? It's fucking killing me." My hands were pulling at my shirt and I knew I was almost yelling at her, desperate for her to understand.

"I'm not trying to hurt you. I want you too, okay? I want you like you want me. I just don't know how to be with you, how you'll be with me. What about Jake? My girls? What about Rose?"

"I've realized that being with Rose and loving you doesn't feel like being unfaithful to _her_, it's like I'm being unfaithful to _you_."

Without a sound, she began to cry, fat drippy tears that made damp splotches on that thin white dress. I parted the chairs and went to her.

"Baby, please don't cry. The last thing I want to do is hurt you."

"You aren't hurting me, I'm hurting me. I'm hurting you, I'm hurting Jake, the girls. Everyone."

Shit, I'd made her feel worse. How the hell had I managed to screw this up so royally?

"No, no and no. _I_ screwed up here, _I_ came in this room to tell you how much you meant to me. I didn't mean to pressure you or anything else. I just wanted you to know. Do you understand?"

She nodded and wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"Listen to me," I said, holding her chin and lifting her face to mine. " There are not enough words in every dictionary in any language to describe how much I love you. I don't even have my heart anymore. It's been yours for a long time and I know now that it will always be."

"I love you too," she said and smiled through her tears. "I'm just scared. We work in our own little world, but outside our bubble, what if we don't?"

I traced the line of her wet cheeks with my thumb, feeling the heat of her skin and the tremble beneath it. I'd done the one thing I never wanted to do. I wanted to go back and make it right. Not just tonight, all of it.

"If you and I don't work then I don't believe in anything anymore," I said with a sigh.

She laid her head on my heart and I wrapped my arms around her, my chin resting in her hair. I closed my eyes and breathed deep again. It was time she knew, it was time I knew. We couldn't keep going on like this. There was still so much to figure out, but for right now I was going to hold my girl in my arms and never let go.

* * *

**If you've stuck with me, I humbly thank you. If you're a new reader, thank you for finding this. **

**Just a little tidbit from the bird nest, this chapter was the one that started this fic. This song inspired me to think about what it's like to see the person you love, the person who isn't yours, in the arms of someone else. This chapter has been in my head for so long, writing it was almost surreal. It took extra time because I was overly critical of every word so I especially hope y'all enjoy it.**

**According to my outlines, there's three chapters left :( I find myself excited and sad to leave Edward and his Bluebell behind. **

**As always, thank you for your patience and your love. xoxoxoxo**


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